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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it possible?
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who remember my last post, I am dealing with a potential serious health situation, and POS has actually been completely supportive when I advised him. Mind you, I did not reach out to him or ask him for support. Rather, I gave him a generic version of the situation and he stepped up to the plate when I advised I would not be in communication with anything unless it was necessary. We have been talking on the phone regularly since then as he has been checking up on me (I have not initiated any calls to him). We have talked for hours about mundane things in an attempt to keep my mind off the testing I am going through, but nothing about "it." Well tonight, at the end of our two hour+ very pleasant conversation, I ended with the comment that we need to discuss the white elephant in the room at some point (i.e., the D and the A). He agreed. I said I am willing to talk about the "whole" situation if he was willing to talk, openly and honestly. HE SAID HE WAS WILLING TO TALK!! For him, that was HUGE! I told him I was willing to talk, but I was NOT willing to put my heart on the line again. He said he understood completely. I told him we can take this slow, but it was only going to work with honesty on both sides. HE AGREED!!

I am not willing or able to get my hopes up, but this is the most positive step we have had since this nightmare began. I have no idea where it will go, but maybe, possibly, my health scare has scared him out of the fog. Is it possible that the thought of mortality has accomplished this (my mother died from this potential heath issue, and he knows it)? We have had some VERY nice conversations over the past several days - caught up on issues, kids events, etc. This was monumental since we haven't spoken since he left in March.

Okay, I am NOT getting my hopes up, but the fact that he is at least showing a willingness to discuss issues is MAJOR for him. This is a man that does not believe in "talking" or any other "touchy-feelly" things. He is more along the lines of "it is what it is, deal with it." So we will see. The fact that he "understood" that I was not willing to put my heart out there really spoke volumes as it was the first time EVER that he acknowledged my feelings in any way. Small steps, I grant you, but steps in the right direction nonetheless.

He also mentioned that our girls never talk to him. I was honest with him and told him they were very angry about the situation. Again, he said he understood. Wow! Could this man actually be stopping to think about how others feel for a change? These may seem like inconsequential things for most of you, but for him they are MASSIVE baby steps!!

I also had to get in the middle of an argument between my girls today. Granted, they know nothing of what I am going through on the health front (don't want them worrying needlessly), but I REALLY don't need the extra aggravation. They are sisters, and they are going to bicker, and the oldest tends to take a "mothering" attitude toward the younger, which only pisses her off. I simply didn't engage as I couldn't deal with it. However, talking to POS really helped to calm me.

So I am sitting here, typing, wondering if a potentially lethal situation could have broken through the fog and made him realize what he was really giving up. He is not in touch with current OW. None of them have been the "loooovvvvvvvvessss" of his life, and I think they were more diversions than anything else. I am NOT excusing his behavior and do NOT accept it in any way. But at least it is not like he left me to go be with any of them, even the current one. He left and went 4,000 miles away from me and her!!

So I guess I am sitting here scratching my head, wondering what is around the next bend. I got my first round of tests back, and the news what not the worst, but not the best. Middle ground. Still waiting for more pathology results next week.

Not setting myself up for bigger hurts as I am planning on the worst outcome (with POS). Am still taking all necessary precautions and making all necessary strategic moves to protect myself and my DD. But could it be possible we are moving in a positive direction?

Anyone here go down the D road only to have something potentially life altering snap the WH out of it and see the light?????

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:31 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, major mojo and good luck on your health issues.. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as you go through this..

This may come from a bitter person right now, so take it for what you want.. I think this would have been better if HE had addressed the elephant in the room. From your post, it seems like you are doing the initiating, and he is just responding how you want him to. For real R, I think he needs to come back begging and pleading and missing you and commitment and promises, etc., etc. I just don't want you to read into his "niceness" as more than that.. I would be giving him TOO much credit for his *baby* steps..

Also, given your tagline states he is a "serial adulterer," I'm wondering if praying on vulnerable women is one of his tactics. You are obviously vulnerable right now, so he may have these types of situations practiced and rehearsed and be very good at them and manipulating vulnerable women, telling them just what they want to hear..

I just want you to be careful and not put your heart and hope out there too much for someone not actively trying to get you back..

I have seen these types of events trigger something in the WS to come out of the fog, but I would say a big maybe here. You don't want this to be the honeymoon phase of the abuse cycle that comes circling around again. It's just setting you up for more hurt if that's the case..

Part of me wants to tell you to stop relying on him for emotional support right now, but the other part is telling me to perhaps trust him, but verify.. Honestly, I think I'm going with the first one there until he really starts showing he wants more than to just start being "nice" to you..

Big hugs. Again, major good luck on your pathology results.

(((((Phoenix1))))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your honesty, Butterfly. I am certainly not putting all my faith in those baby steps, but knowing POS they speak volumes. He most certainly will have to take the lead and demonstrate true remorse and an acceptance of his actions, something he has never done...ever. The fact that he is at least starting to 'understand' the situation is new territory. He has never even gotten that far before!!

As I said, I am protecting my heart very closely and I don't trust him. But I am willing to go slow and see how far he is willing to go with this. These are the biggest steps he has EVER taken so it is worth exploring. I am still continuing with my D plans and am protecting us, but am willing to at least see how this plays out. Since I expect the worst, I won't be disappointed or hurt...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 3

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