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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((7 yrs))))

I am so sorry. It is upsetting that your STBXWW is so self-absorbed, and that you and your kids are the ones suffering for her selfishness. I applaud you for taking the lead on finding a counselor for your son. She won't. Admitting she caused him harm that he needs help coping with would require a level of reality she can't deal with. She would have to face her own guilt.

Good for you for giving her a piece of your mind! I'll bet it felt great! In the end, crickets and 180 will probably be the path of least regret, but she needed to understand. You are not her family anymore, not her spouse nor her best friend or confidante. That was her choice. All choices have consequences, and she needs to start facing hers. There is no reason for her to expect you to offer your shoulder up for her to lean on after what she has put you through.

Keep focused on the kids. You are doing a great job!

As for me, I survived the anniversary weekend. Sad to think of it in those terms, but it was far from joyous. *shrugs*


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs: It is very difficult to deal with an xS and try to coparent.

You are doing the right thing about the counselling for you DS. It is a big change for the kids and your xW's place is new for him.

You were able to get some of the anger out, but now the best course of action is NC. Remember NC= no new hurts. If she is fishing or "hoovering" ignore ignore ignore. Only deal with her in regards to the kids and finances, and best done in email. No more discussions with her.

I do realize that her actions are getting you angry, and you are more than justified, but vent here, journal, but don't send any more emails. Don't bite the bait that she is giving you.

More easily said than done, I know.

Continue on your course. Don't put xW down in front of the kids. It hurts them. They are confused. They probably love their mother, but are angry and upset at her too.

The only email you could write is to tell her that you will never put her down in front of the kids because it hurts THEM and that you expect she do the same because it will hurt THEM.

The other thing that I did with my xWH#1 was to tell him that if he said no to something to the kids, that I would back it up. For example, one time xWH came over to visit the kids and I heard the kids ask him something as he left and he said no. The minute he was gone, they came to me to ask the same thing, and I told them that even though mommy and daddy were not together any more, we were still their parents and would still back each other up. The kids were surprised, and actually in a way were relieved or happy. The next time I saw the xH I told him what happened and that I would still back him up and expected the same from him because it was best for the kids for us to continue a united front as parents. (of course if we disagreed about it, we would discuss it without the kids around) He just had to let me know so I could do it.

We were able to do it civilly and it worked the best for the kids. It gives them stability and security.

I think xWH understood it more since his parent were D as were mine. We knew the hurts when one parent put down the other.

Keep going, 7yrs. You are doing a good job, It will get easier.

Tryn, thank you for sharing your story about your parents. It's such a shame that it often happens like that, that people make horrible mistakes and correct them for a new partner while the other gets hurt.

DH: I'm so sorry about your anniversary. It must have been hard, but you sound stronger.

I've been feeling overwhelmingly paralyzed lately. My emotions overwhelm me and it is so exhausting getting them in check.

I have to keep moving, and am trying.

I haven't been feeling physically well the past few weeks, so it doesn't help, but trying to keep going and preparing.

I'm tired of feeling hurt.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:41 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Yeah I got a call again this morning from the school. This is the 2nd day that he has been in the principals office. He only does this stuff when he is with his Mother.”

IMO.. this was unsaid to your W but it is not forgiving. I know you are sharing your inner feelings. They are real. But to somehow get to a point where… feelings become like this…

XW.. DS is struggling.? What are some things we can do together to help DS? My idea is an IC can help him. What do you think? Then just listen.. No argue. Just say things like.. I understand your point.. I can see the positives in your solution… Sometimes you place a time on the task.. Let’s make a choice by X date… are you ok with that? Then follow-up like an action item like you might do at work. If she fails to meet the date… then you point that out. Set a new date.

Bitterness.. “W caused this..” only around her DS behaves.... “she does dumb shit” When you forgive.. you don’t have bitterness. It comes with letting go of her choice she made that did not include you… or your choice of not including her in your everyday life.
“she had some bad things happen”.. So what is your direction IMO? That is her life. Hey, I see people all the time who have bad things happen. Yesterday, my neighbor got in a very serious car wreck. She is OK but not much I can do. That is her, not me. If I can help or they need help, I will step up and help. But my emotions are kind of like.. I feel bad.. a 1 of 10 feeling. Nothing I can do, it is not my life.
Your W fails to execute what you both agree.. You somehow get to a feeling like 1 of 10 and you do it your way on your own time and money. Leave her out of your life.
You can disagree with the way she will co-raise your son, but do it with good solid ideas that are most healthy for your son. What you think is dumb shit might be just different for example. If she disagrees and you strongly disagree on her methods, then execute what you feel is right on your time, not hers or shared time. Somehow.. get her out of your emotional life. Forgiving her is what I call that. You do what you feel is right to you and not let her decision change what you do or effect your emotions.

All this is so new, in time I am sure you will eventually get a point were emotions and the blame is no longer a factor.. Just the execution of what is best for the kids is what I was trying to say 7years..

Just my thoughts 7years.. I can be right or I can be wrong. Peace brother.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs: i was the product of split parents....my mom never said a bad word about my dad and believe me she had plenty she could have said including that he was a deadbeat dad.....anyways....i grew up and "saw" him for who he was all on my own....kids always do provided they are given that opportunity....the parent that would bad mouth the other parent usually gets bit in the ass in the end....and granted its a long time til the end...but well worth the journey for the reward in priceless...

i disagree for now that you back each other up.....in the future with counseling, when you both learn how to communicate without malice, without prejudice, without hurt...then i think it would be a tremendous gift to your kids...but for now she is incapable....you cannot change her, only how you deal with her....

and yes you will be connected for life, however alot of the communication will end if needs be when they are all done with college....but for now, you are connecteed and will remain so for quite sometime....so let it roll......and yes i know much easier said then done....i live it....pfm never backed me up, still doesn't...makes parenting quite difficult to say the least...

if you choose to bad mouth her to the kids, the kids will take it personally, attacking her is attacking them essentially...remember that, it will help when she is pulling her shit....which i am sure she will continue to pull!! so prepare for the worst of her this way you will be ready and not taken by surprise, the way we react in certain sich when surprised is often not how we should react ..

for now be be the stable parent, you will become their rock, you will become their soft place to fall

i agree that you are doing so well, the journey in time will get easier when a routine is settled between all of you....even if her home is no routine, your home will be!!!

and you could talk to your kids, let them know that they could decide on their own that maybe they should put themselves to bed earlier so that they will be better prepared in school and get in less trouble....start doing that all important damage control...put some of the power into their hands, you would be surprised how smart kids can be....and how fast they learn

tryn: damn....your parents shared way too much with you, so much of what you learned about their sex life frankly was none of your business!!! not healthy sharing so much bad sexual information with a child...i have to say i think it explains why you are so hell bent on being a "quality" man...believing that being a "quality" man would prevent cheating....while being a quality spouse may keep your marriage intact ...it will never guarantee that your spouse will never cheat....the spouse that CHOOSES to cheat has something missing within....their is something broken within that gives them the excuse (reason) to cheat....and if its never addressed it will always be there under the surface waiting ....

marriages are never ALWAYS happy and steady....real life throws us loops all the time....we don't always like the person we are married too....and that is where someone who has true value within will never even consider cheating as a way to "deal"....

just my 2 cents


dh: glad you got through he anniversary....and yes its sad....

side note: when i was at mil's funeral i cried....not for love lost...she was not a nice woman...but for what could and should have been.....it felt a bit like it did when my dad died....it means the person will never be able to tell you what you would need to hear from them

"i am sorry i hurt you, i am sorry for my actions, i am sorry i didn't do right by you. no excuses, no reasons because frankly they don't matter. i was wrong, made wrong choices, made wrong decisions and treated you without due respect. i "see" now what i have done and am truly sorry"

and its frankly i think what we all ultimately would love to hear from our ws's...provided of course it was real....because without that new and necessary "insight" its worth nothing....because i want to believe that if a person really "sees" what their actions cause and "feels" it they could not repeat them....for repeating same actions means that person does so "knowing" full well what it will do and that to me is pure evil....


honest: hon....formulate your exit plan....pull up those big girl panties, get strong...i know you can, i know you can do this....i know you have in within...so pull it out hon....become your own best friend and do for yourself what i KNOW you would do for another!!!!

and while formulating this plan, TAKE ACTION!!!!...if anyone deserves to be settled, its you.....we all believe in you and we all believe you can do this....time to believe in yourself...do not let that poor excuse of a human being back into this country without serving him....he brought her here already, had her kids in your house....you know what coming next...prepare yourself...

you have already lost so much....without acting you continue to lose much more....you are losing "YOU", you are losing your "soul"....which worth so much more then any house or any amount of money.....material shit is just that...shit....flush it away spray the lysol and leave the fucking toilet....your "within" is worth saving....so save yourself, your "within" is priceless"


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two young 30's flirting way too much.. Lunches.. Both small kids.. You fine folks know..
"I think I know what might beingoing on. Stop it. If I get proof, I will terminate you."
Him, "you're kidding?"
"Your thinking with your dick"
Him,"no I'm not"
"You know where you stand."
Him.. Turns red.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses all. Yesterday was rough. I know I shouldn't have responded verbally or in email especially considering how many times I have read that adivce given to others. As usual I pulled a "Charlie Brown" and just had to try to kick that football.

I am doing better this morning. Just to clarify I have never badmouthed my EX to the kids I think all kinds of stuff but I have never said anything bad about her to them. If I gave that impression it wasn't my intent. I know I need to stay NC and I really am going to get right back on that horse. It just seems like there is always something. It did feel good to get it off my chest but it changes nothing so back to NC and doing me.

Tryn thanks for the advice. Detached doesn't mean without feelings and I guess being bitter is something that I have to deal with.

If she disagrees and you strongly disagree on her methods, then execute what you feel is right on your time, not hers or shared time.
This is pretty much how I have been doing things. The issue with my son is a sore subject though. I can guide, discipline, encourage, and do things to help better my sons behavior but utlimately it's something that he has to learn and develop skills to cope with. This is one of those situations where my frustration comes from "the universe is supposed to bend to my will" thinking that I know doesn't work. Lil 7yrs, it's obvious to me what the resolution to yoru latest issue is so do this when this happens and I don't expect to get caleld at work again. I might as well be speaking a different language. Some stuff is getting through to him like better conflict resolution at school but it's a work in progress and again he's 8 and dealing as he best can so I need to cut him and myself some slack I guess. But I am moving forward with the counseling with him and we'll see how it goes.

DH: I hope you are doing okay after your weekend.

I do realize that her actions are getting you angry, and you are more than justified, but vent here, journal, but don't send any more emails. Don't bite the bait that she is giving you.
Honest, back to NC for me. The more I thought about the phone call and the email it just showed her that she still takes up head space even if it's all fire and brimstone in that space. This was the first time since she moved out that we actually had to talk. I'll do better next time.

then i think it would be a tremendous gift to your kids...but for now she is incapable....you cannot change her, only how you deal with her....
IWAM my issue with this is I may not be capable right now of communicating with her normally which is why I avoided it. In general I was okay until she sent the email basically whining about herself, the fact that I no longer talk to her, can't seem to be friends with her, and my attitude towards her was why my son was acting out. Delusional thinking at it's best and maybe I was wrong but I felt I had to respond to that just so she clearly understood that in my mind all of this is a direct result of the actions she took that led to us getting divorced, I am not her friend, and if our son has trouble adjusting to the D she can look in the mirror for the cause of all that. Will she get it, probably not and I understand that telling her will do nothing. I got it off my chest so I will just leave it alone and get to know the crickets very well.

My problem is the same as it's always been I guess. Codependant thinking. I know I can't change STBX so I stopped trying now I just have to stop being mad about everything. With my son it's the same thing. It's clear to me what he needs to do but I can't "fix it" for him. So now I sit here understanding that I can't fix it for him so i'm in neutral and being in neutral with a problem in front of you for a "fixer" is torture. So i'll get him the help and deal with my anxiety. I am pretty sure my lashing out at Ex yesterday was direct reuslt of me not being able to solve my sons problem coupled with the email that just lit the fuse. She just happened to be a convenient target that I didn't mind unloading on. Still have to some work to do I guess. Again thanks all for the responses and listening.



D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs, I'm so sorry for what you're going through (that's true for everyone in the tribe, actually). I definitely relate to your inner "fixer" wanting/needing to address the problems you see. I am much the same. Trying VERY HARD to stop myself. Work on myself and let go of the outcomes. The limbo is devastating to me and to my kids though.

Reading through these recent posts regarding "badmouthing" the WS.... I am feeling so bad, but not sure how else to handle some of this. Would really appreciate some feedback. My oldest 2 kids found out about the A 6 months before I did and lived with that knowledge. DD confronted him and he went on with A for another 5 months. They are already scarred. After WH moving out, attempting R for 8 months, we have hit a really bad spot in the last month. My kids are horribly confused and upset. MC said "just tell them these are adult problems and you are working on them". That's not working out too well. With MC's blessing and DD's request and SIer's advice, I finally told my DS13 an age-appropriate version of why we are separated and why it is harder than he thinks it should be. He's only observed us being kind and loving with each other for all these months. Add him to the devastation now.

So, last night, my WH was here finalizing our taxes (filed for extension) and we got into a tiff about finances, esp. about $ spent on the A. Haven't discussed that until now. Kids overheard a little and were understandably upset. Asked me how R was going after he stormed out.

So, what say you, wise SIers? I did tell them, "This is hard. It's not going so well right now. You know I've been trying really hard. Working on reading, learning, changing, growing, and forgiving. But I can't R on my own. Dad's been doing a lot, but he's not giving 100% and I'm not sure what he wants. He needs to figure it out. I can't "fix" him. He needs to fix himself. This is nothing you've done. You can't make it better either. I've done everything I can think of and tried to help him. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sorry we are putting you through this..."

Is that "badmouthing"? He IS the one that cheated and they already knew that. They know I offered forgiveness. They know I've been working on my own issues and have copped to my weaknesses. Is it wrong to let them know that the ball is really in his court now?

And as long as I'm writing a novel... I'll add: I did a probably not SI-recommended thing. I wrote him a letter on Sunday explaining that I can't live in limbo anymore. He has gone to IC/MC, but has been faltering in making visible progress. He says he "doesn't want us to end. (He) is working on it." I said I can't wait forever to see some action, not just words. I gave him 2 action items: read NJF and provide a written timeline by Nov. 24. If no progress made, then we plan to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas separately and figure out visitation schedule. If he does the reading and introspection, we can use the long Thanksgiving weekend to determine next action steps. I'm not looking for resolution in 6 weeks, but will see if he's willing to put in the work. If not, then I have my answer and my path becomes clearer. 2x4's, anyone? Letter was acknowledged by text: "I understand where you are coming from. Not angry or upset. Just sad."

I'm really trying to detach myself, so that I can get on with my life. I'm just so torn. One moment this way, the next, the other. I read the same in many of your posts. Infidelity sucks.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 20 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, MC/IC/FC,
He officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillstanding, I thought both your discussion with your children and the letter to your husband were both absolutely fine. Telling the truth is not badmouthing. You stated facts and there is nothing wrong with that.

IWAM:

and you could talk to your kids, let them know that they could decide on their own that maybe they should put themselves to bed earlier so that they will be better prepared in school and get in less trouble....start doing that all important damage control...put some of the power into their hands, you would be surprised how smart kids can be....and how fast they learn

I forgot to comment on this but THANK YOU! I have done this before with my children with chores and it works. It never occured to me to do this with bed time and if I do it at my house they will likely carry it over themselves to STBX's house.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillstanding: frankly i think you gave them too too much info.....the bare basics is enough....

dad and i are working on resolution the issues, i cannot tell you that we will work it out and remain married, and i cannot tell you that will definitely divorce, i can only tell you that from my perspective i am doing what i can to improve on who i am and what i contribute to the relationship whatever the relationship will be....

and if they ask you about dad....then let them know that they will have to ask dad themselves on what he is doing on his own, but for now the 2 of you are trying to work together on this....

it gives them what they need to know, doesnt put their dad in a bad light, does not invlove them in your personal issues, keeps them in the loop, enough without giving them too much....

remember always, what you say about their dad will always put them on the defensive at some point in time, because attacking him is attacking them...

and yes tellin the 13 year old was right.....just keep it to the basics...you know like when they are little and ask where babies come from...you tell them without telling them every detail...just what they need to know, no more, no less


7 years...the point...you cannot change her, she cannot change unless she is willing to acknowledge she has a problem...and from the sound of it that is not happening anytime soon, or maybe ever....so change how you deal with her..you will always have to deal with her on some level until your kids are grown...so find a way and let the things she says and does roll....at least while you are talking to her....does not mean she gets to do whatever she wants...but she will probably do whatever she wants anyways...so all you can do is "fix" how you handle it...and i understand completely because i am a fixer too...the first step is to acknowledge that we cant fix everything...and only fix how we choose to deal with it...

and it works...its not easy by any stretch of the imagination,,,,but it works when you get the hang of it...and then find a way to vent it out somewhere safe

gotta run


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im baaacckk:

just had to share: pfm started with a new ic....this ic had asked me to come and meet with him after pfms first visit with him...which impressed me....means he is looking at the whole picture and wants my perspective

anyways....i met with him by myself, i liked him...very much like an r rated dr phil....he says whats on his mind and is not afraid of using colorful language...i also met with him twice now with pfm and tonite was priceless

the ic after hearing some more of the details of our marriage and family life looks at pfm as says:


"pfm you're a fuck up"


needless to say i agree!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - PRICELESS! I'd say that was money well spent.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, October 16th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle- so glad that your WH is seeing a good IC.
Regardless of whether we R or D after a LTA IMHO it is very important for the WS to go to IC to figure how they sunk so low.
If nothing else he will be a happier, healthier and better father to your children.

tryin- were you describing a situation that you were witnessing in a restaurant?
I'm like that nowadays...I can smell an inappropriate relationship a mile away.
Before d-day I never would have noticed anything unusual. Now, I see it right away.

7 yrs- You are a great dad. I know that you will do a great job with your kids.

honest- you are stronger than you think. You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other...baby steps at first.
And I'm a big believer in staying busy. Find a part time job or volunteer somewhere to start. Get out of the house every day.Anxiety and stress cause lots of physical ailments. Try to do what you can to reduce the level of anxiety. Keeping busy helps me.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

still standing-
Don't beat yourself up about what you did or didn't say to your children after d-day.
Finding out about a LTA is very traumatic and crazymaking.
When I think back to what I did in that first year after d-day it is mindboggling.
I was truly out of my mind with grief, shock, you name it.
You are on the emotional roller coaster.
But, from now on it would be a good idea to try to protect your children from witnessing the fallout.
Are you in IC?
That was very important for my healing. I went to IC for 4 yrs!
My FWH also went to IC (1 and 1/2 yrs) and to AA. And we went to MC together for 3 months.
We tried to limit our affair related discussions to our MC sessions.

I firmly believe that all of this counseling was what helped us get to a successful reconciliation.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XW.. DS is struggling.? What are some things we can do together to help DS? My idea is an IC can help him. What do you think? Then just listen.. No argue. Just say things like.. I understand your point.. I can see the positives in your solution… Sometimes you place a time on the task.. Let’s make a choice by X date… are you ok with that? Then follow-up like an action item like you might do at work. If she fails to meet the date… then you point that out. Set a new date

7 yrs: The above advice from Tryn is actually a good idea. The tone of it is as though you are dealing with a coworker. Calm, cool, collected, EMOTIONALLY DETACHED. It does not have to be the exact words, but the tone is good. At this point you don't care what xWW thinks or feels. Your GOAL is to do what's best for your son. If you attack, human nature is to be defensive....even if she deserves it, BUT it gets nothing accomplished. Deal with her like I deal with my sons' teachers who I don't agree with: How can we work together? There is this problem: x. I'm doing y, what else can we do to solve the problem?
I know how extremely hard this is, believe me. But always keep your goal in mind: your kids' welfare. Even if you have to give some positive reinforcement like "xWW, we are doing x,y, z right, what else can we do to help our son?" Just keep in mind that xWW is the other coparent, period and you are trying to work together. Any baiting she does for your emotions, IGNORE. Don't take the bait. Keep to kids and finances. Above all, don't email your vents and upsetments to her, it's a document that can be used against you.

As usual I pulled a "Charlie Brown" and just had to try to kick that football.

OMG LOL!!! That is an absolutely perfect image!! And Lucy doesn't care, does she? Most to the time she doesn't even laugh at Charlie Brown. She puts the bait and expects him to fall for it and just walks away.

Stillstanding: It's so very hard with the kids who want to know what's going on. It's a tightrope to walk. You are not "badmouthing" your WH, but I'd suggest that you don't tell them that WH is not doing 100%. Just let them know that YOU are doing 100%. YOU are doing everything that you can and you hope things will work out.

It is good that you told them it had nothing to do with them.

No 2x4's here about the letter you wrote to WH. Too bad that he didn't give you a better response. At this point, I wish I just asked, Yes or No? If he says, yes, then he has to do what you are asking, and it's not much at all!

Miracle: Thank you for sharing what the IC said! It's priceless!!
Thank you for your wonderful encouragement. The other day NPD was saying something to the effect that I was always depressed. Burying a child will do that to a person. When we moved overseas and I left my family that doesn't help either, although I tried my best to make the best of things. But, I remembered your advice, Miracle, that I shouldn't be listening to him. I shouldn't be putting stock into a liar, a NPD who twists words for his own convenience.

I feel as though I have already lost my soul. And my big girl panties are shredded somewhere, I just have to find another pair.

Yesterday, DS18 got into a car accident. He is fine, thank God! He was going to work in the morning in stop and go traffic on the highway, and some idiot went into him from the back pushing him into the car in the front of him. His car is totalled. All I kept feeling is "It's not fair!!!" I kept on feeling that here is a kid who was going to work. Never even had a fender bender, speeding ticket or anything else so many teens might do. It wasn't his fault! But we had to go on and deal with insurance companies, tow trucks, etc. I kind of felt it was like the infidelity. We were victims. It is NOT fair! But we have to go on and deal.

I haven't been dealing well. Perhaps because I keep on getting hit, so I have to take a different road. I lost my "vehicle" it is totalled. It can't be repaired no matter how much I wanted it to be. Perhaps I tried to do some body work, but it's a shell that I'm trying to push. NPD sold the rest for parts and I'm putting in expensive gas into an non existent engine. It's like I was so wounded that I sat in a ditch on the side of the road and whenever I felt a little better, I was trying to push the shell of a car and wounding myself further. So it's like I have no "car", so I have to start walking. It sucks. Life is not fair. But I have to go down a different road before I get run over again.

NJgal: thank you for your encouragement. I have been scouring the want ads. I think a part time job is probably best at this point. I just have to choose one.

Getting off the AD's has been hard, but they were taking the "edge" off the pain, and now that I'm feeling the pain full blast, I am better able to handle it, but it does overwhelm me at times. But at least the rose colored glasses are gone.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant
your parents shared way too much with you

I view my parents sharing things about their D as very intimate. They got D when I was 24 and I was no kid as that would be inappropriate. It has only been in the past few years the puzzle begins to be completed. They shared in bits and pieces. I did not ask, they volunteered this information. Perhaps it was because I opened to them saying things like.. Splitting time still is hard for me and I don’t like it. It is my desire for the same love of quality time as it was when I grew up. They then felt the need to explain… how they achieved a peace.

It is not that I don’t appreciate these new people my parents married, as they have brought much value to me.. it is something I suppose about me, my inner thoughts and feelings about us as a family I once had in my youth. I accept it today because I have no control over that and I that much value in the relationship with my parent.

I think not being that open with those we love, care about, have relationships leads us not in a path of closeness.. but a path of shutting down and living in secret. Intimacy comes with being most open no matter the failures. The failures do not matter to we are closest too and they have no fears in communicating failures, needs, wants and desires.

We seem to suppress subjects that might bring pain. We seem to suppress sexual desires. It becomes taboo to be open. It is inner fear and said.. it is then said it is none of my business. My parents made a promise to me and broke it. It becomes my business because what they did had consequences to me, my kids and my W too.

They felt a need to be most open to me… to explain the reason, to keep me intimate with them. They had no fears I would run away from them and abandon them.

Yes, I do believe that if I had behaved differently, my W would not have made her choice to have her A to chase those needs and feelings.


No NJgal this is real life in the work place.

So.. this is part 2..

"Look, we don't want that kind of stuff going on around here it is against company policy."
Her, "We are just friends"
"We don't want your H coming over here and shooting up people."
Her, "My H knows about the freindship and will not do that."
"Ok, then lets get on the phone and call him so I can describe all the flirting and extended lunches. Are you also willing to sign a document that says you will not file any sexual harrasment complaint?"
Her, "I don't have to take this"
"Are you resigning?"
Her, "no"
"then I think you know exactly where you stand and if this continues, you will be terminated"
Her.. storms out.

I call that good minipulation... lol..

Real life and the consequences of bad behavoir.

7years.. I know you didn't say it in front of your kids. My buddy however had these thoughts over and over and the heart will speak.. just a tip.. I do believe your good will come soon..

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:35 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

at IWAM's counselor story.

Honest, glad your son is okay.

Tryn, glad you or someone at that work place had the "nuggets" to bust up these inappropriate office A's. Wish someone had done that to my STBX when she started hers.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still…
I'm really trying to detach myself

I have thought about this often. Detaching to me comes after you decide to end it. I started with that theme then moved to the theme.. those that care less have the most power in a relationship. But I am now moving into…

I am going to enjoy my life the way I want too.. And my wife is welcome to join me and enhance my life.. Using a “Dip” theme.. I will care about you because.. “I can.” I will not care about you because “I can.”

It is not necessarily detaching.. it is more like.. I have the courage to make you not part of my life.. And if my W does things where I have had enough.. in a few short months.. I will/can replace/detach my emotions from you and then have them with someone who will want to join me and all I have to offer.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:53 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest -- so glad your son is okay!!!

Tryn -- good for you putting the kibosh on that nonsense at work!

Everyone thinks I sound so strong, seem so strong. Even WH has said so.

I'm not.

A year ago, I had published my first novel, and I was working on my second. I was participating in NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month - a writing community event that takes place every November where you commit to writing a novel in a month's time. I was struggling a bit, because something was wrong in my marriage, I just didn't know what, but it was making me increasingly desperate and distracted.

But writing was my sanctuary, and I was good at it. In addition to my novel, I had several online stories and awards I had won. I entertained people, I inspired them, occasionally I turned them on. I made them happy, and it made me happy. I even had someone tell me I saved her life - she was suicidal but kept herself going day by day because she needed to know how my story ended.

Then November 10th. D-Day. Everything I thought I was disappeared. Everything I thought I had was destroyed. Including my ability to write. I sure as hell couldn't write romance. My WH was the hero of every story I wrote. He was my Sunshine. Although he wasn't even that anymore. OW had even stolen my nickname for him. I had used it in my novel. I had to beg my publisher to let me stop doing interviews to promote the book because I couldn't bear to even think about it. I tried channeling my pain into writing something darker, but I couldn't even do that. I never finished that second novel, which really was going to be much better than my first in my opinion. I can't even remember how it's supposed to end. I just stare at a blank screen or a blank page and nothing comes. It's just one more thing that was stolen from me.

And now I'm getting emails for this year's NaNoWriMo. Am I even a writer anymore? Am I even a wife anymore? I am a mom, and I'm managing to not completely fuck that up, but beyond that, there's nothing left but ash and soot.

WH went out with the people from work again last night. Third time this week. Despite my asking to keep me informed, he didn't tell me when he was leaving the office, where they were going, or when he was leaving. He wondered why he got radio silence from me when he got home at a quarter after 11pm. He had the nerve to ask me if I had a bad day.

I cried myself to sleep again.

Yeah, definitely not feeling so strong.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 9:54 AM, October 18th (Friday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, DH, you are indeed very talented...and with all the other cool stuff about you that I have joked about over the last several months, your WH still acts like a selfish jerk?!?!? I don't get it.

DH, what does his behavior say to you? Maybe write it down and spell it out for him.

Maybe time for 'tough love'?

Sorry that you are so hurt...

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 789 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dh)))

yes you are a writer if that what you choose to be....yes you are a mom, a damned good one at that

what you are no longer, is innocent and as far as a wife is concerned..that will be your choice..but i ask you dh, do you want to be a wife to someone who does not want to be a husband

never make anyone a priority that makes you an option....

mr dh has not changed one iota...when people show you who they are...believe them...he keeps showing you who he is...

if you choose to stay in your marriage, your marriage will likely always stay the way it is now...a few ups along the way when you close your eyes here and there when he behaves....but pretty much what you got now will be what you get later....

and you do sound strong...you have a plan and more importantly you are making daily choices that reflect your plan, not easy to do....

gotta run...will be back later peeps


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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