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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - that was a fantastic post! Not at all a ramble. There were several light bulb moments for me reading it.

Danni - thanks! I needed to hear that. I guess I'm having a hard time with that. Last year my anniversary was horrible. Two months ago when I thought we were, not on the road to R, but at least heading towards it, I had a fantasy of our anniversary being a fresh start, a happy, special memory to stamp over the nightmare of last year. But now, I'm dreading it. I can't seem to force myself into the Hallmark store, or order the gift I had planned to give him, or anything. He hasn't mentioned it, and I doubt he's even thought about it, let alone planned something special. I've always been the planner, the doer, when it comes to these kinds of things. He doesn't even like to call to order pizza. So I'm just trying to resolve myself that no matter what, this year will not be like last year. I will not curl up in a ball, I will not sob uncontrollably, I will not beg him to love me. It's going to be a rough day. Send me some happy mojo on Saturday, please.

Allgood - yeah, that's the conclusion I'm coming to too. He just doesn't care enough to put any real effort into it. And it breaks my heart. I've been with him over half my life. My entire adult life. He's all I've ever known. He was my Prince.

It's hard looking back on our history through "affair goggles." There was another thread talking about A season. For us LTA'ers - there is no time of the year that is NOT A season. It sucks.

Sorry -- I'm wallowing in a bit of self-pity today. :(


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH

I HATE CARD SHOPPING!!!!!!!
I cant bring myself to buy WH a lovie dovie card
I usually go for the lighter ones. If you feel like you want to get him a card maybe humor would be better. Or none at all. Make this about you. Can you go somewhere or do something nice for yourself. Pedi/mani maybe?

I will not sob uncontrollably
,

Sorry -- I'm wallowing in a bit of self-pity today. :(

No need to be sorry. I was wallowing right there with you.

This was my morning today. Trigger last nite instead of talking about it WH clamed up. I have not slept since Monday nite. Mind movies. I was so tired. I just lost it this morning.

Now I am realing all over again WH finally admitted he slept the whole nite with SCANK#2. This is realy sending me down a long slippery slope. Why is this so painful. The sleeping in OW bed bothers me more than having sex. TT is a killer.

I asked Wh to think about finances and the state of our M. That maybe seperating would be less painful. He was not happy. We were both crying by the time we finished. WH said he did not want to S. "We can fix this I never loved them. I was in a selfish ass. I blamed everything on you I justified my actions by blaming you for my unhappyness and failures."

WH said he would leave it that is what I wanted. He does not want to leave.
I told him,

I think down deep we are both afraid somewhat. We have been together since Junior year in high school.

I have not hear from him all day he usually calle me 2 or 3 times a day. Doing as much thinking I am.


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DH: Ahhh picking out card is hard!! Even after all this time, I have trouble and was standing there in the store starting to cry. Danni has a good idea, get something with humor if you feel you want to get him a card. As for a gift? Just go out to eat or order Chinese food or something as a gift to you so you don't have to cook

Danni: Did you just get this latest TT? I hate TT, another thing to process.

I think down deep we are both afraid somewhat. We have been together since Junior year in high school

Of course you are. It's hard to do the real work of R and of course hard to D. Do you believe he's remorseful, but afraid of really telling it all? Do you believe he is willing to work, but is afraid too?

Perhaps this is the discussion you may need to have. No asking questions about the A at this time, but just to make a decision about what you guys want to do or at least what you both feel needs to be done to really R. {{{{Danni}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((danni)))
((((dh))))
((((honest))))
((((tribe))))

I am so so sorry for all of you're pain....it really does suck!!

danni: honestly what your husband said to you was spot on.....he is accepting responsiblity fully and the words were perfect.....i hope he follows the words up with appopriate actions....not calling you is not an appropriate action to back up his words...

buying cards...after d-day i never bought him another card...he didn't deserve it and i didn't feel it, so i didn't...as far as celebrating...i felt like there was nothing to celebrate....the first anniversary after d-day was only 4 months out...and it was 20 years...i chose to look at it as a day to mark the beginning of our family and no longer as an anniversary of our marriage...it helped a tiny bit...and it didn't help that my kids wre in the dark at that time....i must be honest and say i am glad all of that is behind me....it really is freeing to not have to cover it up anymore, to be able to to move forward...

on a side note...i am proud of myself....my last post..the really short one...i did it on my phone today.... i am growin up and learnin how to use my smartphone....which still makes me feel not so smart!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's awful. Keep looking forward - it is better there

Allgood: I try to look forward, but I'm having trouble seeing it would be better. I guess I keep staying in limbo because I have been D already, I know how hard it is. I don't really know if it'll be better being D with all the trouble he'll put me through, or staying in the status quo.

But, I'm realizing the status quo is going to change anyway. It sucks being used and thrown away and having everything that was mine given to someone else.
<sigh>

All I need to do now is really focus on me, and move forward for my own life. It's hard to imagine better days, though. Perhaps I should just focus that there would be less pain.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Danni))

Honest:

Perhaps I should just focus that there would be less pain

It's a start!

Miracle:

Yay!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest: yes you were d before...and you were different then, you were young, your kids were little....and guess what..you got through it and you survived...and your relationship with wh#1 is a good one....you were alone and you were still knee deep into your mom then....

you have grown since then, you have put your mother in a dealable compartment....you are not young and naive, you are also not alone...you have 2 grown sons who will see you through it all...and you have si this time around.....

so that means a 2nd d will be different, yes it will be hard, but frankly i think it must be harder living in the sich you are living in...not knowing when that other shoe will drop, and he will bring them here again and prob this time the ow will be in your home as well as her kids...and then theres the issue of him taking another wife....he's already attempted it, so now its just a question of finding another...

i would def think living with all that would be much much harder

eta: thanks allgood....

i is growin up..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 8:57 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little chuckle for ya courtesy of the karma bus... WH dropped his phone in the toilet.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: lol, it is a start! I was thinking about you and what you said a few pages back that you are not happy. Do you want to R with xWH if he did make/ or tried to make the changes? Also, I remember you posted once that you feel safe now, and perhaps if you did get back together with xWH you wouldn't?

Miracle: You are right, the circumstances are different now, but believe it or not, I was much stronger the first time (not just physically because I was younger)
I really don't know how much I can rely on my two older DS's. The oldest has a lot of his own problems...

But you are right, I didn't have SI back then

I have to get out of just surviving and actually start to live.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Decimated:

A little chuckle for ya courtesy of the karma bus... WH dropped his phone in the toilet

LOVE the karma bus! Beep beep! Who's next?

Honest:

I was thinking about you and what you said a few pages back that you are not happy.

I wouldn't say I'm happy. I would say I'm not unhappy. Like you, I feel like I am not living life, just treading water.

Do you want to R with xWH if he did make/ or tried to make the changes?

I don't know. I'd say I'm more traumatized from failed R efforts than I was from discovering the A itself.

I am in a safe place now and content there. Opening up myself to a relationship riddled with this much baggage would take a certain amount of courage and faith & I don't think I have enough of either.

You really can't spend a few years processing all the reasons why he cheated and why R didn't work and then turn that all off and start fresh. Or, at least I am not equipped to do that.

And, Honest, yes, you need to move forward and you can do it.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say I'm more traumatized from failed R efforts than I was from discovering the A itself

Allgood: I know exactly what you mean. If someone made a mistake and caused damage it's reasonable that we'd expect them to be remorseful and then try to clean up the mess. If they are having trouble cleaning up the mess, get help. Don't start blaming others, especially the person who you've wronged.

It's very traumatizing. The whole. damn. thing.

I think you have enough courage, but probably feel you have nothing to base your faith on {{{Allgood}}}

DH: I LOVE the Karma bus!!! That's exactly where his phone should be!!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Honest
I just found out yesterday that he had spent the entire night with scank#2.

Do you believe he's remorseful, but afraid of really telling it all? Do you believe he is willing to work, but is afraid too?

Yes to this also. Early in the whole R process WH would actualt get physicaly sick when he tried to talk about it.

What you guys want to do or at least what you both feel needs to be done to really R.

WH just wants to move forward it is all a nightmare for him.
Maybe I need a Labotomy.

I am having a realy hard time seeing past the As right now. Next month I see the oncologist and my OB. Bringing all the anger I have for WH giving me HPV. This is the first year since 2010 that I have not had to see doctors every 4 months. Its been a year. SO alot of anxiety there.

DH

A

little chuckle for ya courtesy of the karma bus... WH dropped his phone in the toilet.
Love that Karma bus. Honest

Honest

Perhaps I should just focus that there would be less pain.
Sounds like a good plan but so hard to keep that focas

Miracle

I am growin up and learnin how to use my smartphone.... My phone is 3 years old phone. The new phones YIKES.

I wouldn't say I'm happy. I would say I'm not unhappy. Like you, I feel like I am not living life, just treading water.
Definetly.

I feel like it is my fault though. If I could just forget about the As I could move forward.


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood -

I'd say I'm more traumatized from failed R efforts than I was from discovering the A itself
.

I think that's completely understandable! And you're right - you've worked hard to get where you are - a safe place, which is fantastic. I am not sure I would feel safe risking that.

Danni -- I'm so sorry ((hugs)). TT is a trust killer. It takes you straight back to square one.

Honest -- you really sound like you are on the right track. I've said it before, I'll say it again - if anyone here needs to leave their WS, it's you. I envision such a wonderful future for you. :)

That's exactly where his phone should be!!!

Damn straight! Anyone want to take bets on what his new excuse for not giving me his password will be, since his working excuse of me finding something old on it has been (excuse the pun) flushed down the toilet? After all, a new phone means nothing old for me to find.


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dh: love love love that karma bus...

methinks that the universe is given him a message....but i honestly don't believe the message will be recieved.... and yes i agree that is exactly where his phone belongs

dannI: damn that sucks...(hpv)...and did i miss something that you are goin to the "ob"...


i caught an old episode of dr phil today...i only caught part of it..and of course it was about a cheatin husband....and dr phil told him

"you put this marriage into the ditch, its up to you to pull it out"
"you will have to be open, you will have to be willing to have her into everything, all your passwords, you will be strutinized for as long as she feels its necessary"
"and there is no guarantee here, but unless and until she feels that you "get it", she will never move on, she needs to know that you really get ALL of what you have done, and that should you choose to go down that road again you do it with the full knowledge of what it did to her"
"and should you choose to go down that road again, i am sure she will have no problem leaving the marriage"


its the last one that so many struggle with.....leavin the marriage!!!

fear....decisions and choices made in fear are almost always wrong decisions....negative emotions do not make good and wise choices

(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been quiet here. I hope it's because everyone is having a good Columbus Day weekend.

Sending prayers to all.

{{{{Tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah it was a long weekend. Hope it was good for all. I made it through parent teacher conference in one piece and so did everyone else. I miss my kids more during the alternating weeks. I am getting into a routine with them on top of the daily routine. We go out to eat once a week at the kids destination of choice. They alternate picking restaurants. We also go to a museum or somewhere fun on the weekends if the weather permits. They are settling in to a normal routine at my house they do homework immediately when they get home or it's already finished by the time they get home. We go to the gym where they have some pretty cool kid related activities for them and then we get home and they usually have 30 to 45 minutes to do whatever they want. I try to keep things the same every week so they know what to expect. I also get them in bed at a decent hour every night.

There Mother on the other hand is the complete opposite. The kids seem to work around her schedule. I may be jaded but it seems like she is still all about herself. The kids have very few toys at her house but they are having dinners for her family and friends so she can show off her nice shiny new house. (have to keep up that image that nothing is wrong) I am pretty sure in her mind they need new toys because the old toys don't match with ehr new life and no rug sweep is comlete without completely erasing EVERYTHING. She buys them "cute clothes" which I don't complain about but doesn't get the essentials like Jackets/coats and hats. Its the fall and its cold in the mornings and in the evenings. She plans these trips for them to places I know they don't like. But she wants to expose them to things. More power to her. I would rather listen to my children than force soem things on them.

Anyway I spent an hour on the phone this morning venting to my Father about the EX and my sons behavior at school. It's obvious to everyone involved that if your child goes to bed hella late then he is probably going to have some issues at school because of sleep deprivation. STBX doesn't seem to comprehend that though. He only acts up when he is with her and she can't see the pattern.

Anyway hope everyone is well.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This place was eerie quiet.... I think this was a record for silence on this thread.

Anyhoo..

7years:

I think you are doing a great job & it is very frustrating that your efforts to provide stability & structure, etc to the kids' lives is to an extent being undermined by your Ex.

If their school work or school behavior is being effected, I dont think there is anything wrong with sharing that with either their teachers or (not sure what grades they are in ) the school social worker/guidance counselor, etc.

Your Ex will never take your complaints seriously, but if she hears it from someone else, maybe she will.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If their school work or school behavior is being effected, I dont think there is anything wrong with sharing that with either their teachers or (not sure what grades they are in ) the school social worker/guidance counselor, etc.
Yeah I got a call again this morning from the school. This is the 2nd day that he has been in the principals office. He only does this stuff when he is with his Mother. The Principal is aware of the situation and is working with us. I asked STBX what time they were in the bed last night and she said at the normal time, 8:15pm. I aksed were they sleep she said they were in the bed and the last tiem she checked they were sleep. Notice how she never answered the question right... She then proceeds to tell me how she had trouble getting him up in the morning and getting dressed. Doesn't that alone prove that he isn't getting enough sleep. I swear she is menatlly deficient. So of course in her mind this conversation is an attack on her. I'm trying to make it look like it's her fault. what I wanted to say was I don't have to try it is your fault. If he is having trouble adjusting it's because you cheated and fucked up the family, if he is having trouble because of sleep deprivation it's because you are to stupid to realize children need more sleep and won't get them to bed in time. It is your fault because this shit only happens when they are with you. You wanted to be by yourself and "do you" so WOMAN the FUCK up and do it.

But instead of saying that I just told her this isn't about her it's about our son and i'm trying to figure out why he is acting out and not listening. I used to give my STBXW a little credit for being a decent parent but that she fails completely at that as well. She is still blinded by what she wants and needs and everything is still about her. Im asking about our son and she turns the conversation to me accusing her of something. Guess she knows deep down it is her fault.

Anyway we are looking to get him a counselor to talk with and i am going to take the lead on that as well. STBX was supposed to do that this summer but never did and now she is supposedly getting recommendations from a coworker but I will believe that when I see it. And even if she does she won't make an appointment she will sit there looking stupid until I badger her about it or do it myself. So I am looking for counselors today and I will setup my own appointment for my son.

I have to deal with this idiotic woman for the rest of my life. It's like dealing with a 3rd child. she acts like she is a grown adult but can't make decision and crumbles at the first sign of adversity. Yet I was dumb enough to have kids with her. Yay me... I seriously can't stand her.


ETA:

Your Ex will never take your complaints seriously, but if she hears it from someone else, maybe she will.

So much truth in this. I tell her to her face when she does dumb shit now and she can deal with it however she feels. I fully realize that she isn't going to listen until it comes from soemone that has NOTHING to do with me. I am pretty sure she is soon going to lump my parents into enemy territory as well but she hasn't just yet because she does need them to keep the kids occasionally. The counselor seems like the best route but she has no idea how to even remotely begin to listen when someone tells her something that goes against her reality so maybe she will listen for the kids sake.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:46 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The importance of replacing…

Yeah it was a long weekend. Hope it was good for all. I made it through parent teacher conference in one piece and so did everyone else. I miss my kids more during the alternating weeks. I am getting into a routine with them on top of the daily routine. We go out to eat once a week at the kids destination of choice. They alternate picking restaurants. We also go to a museum or somewhere fun on the weekends if the weather permits. They are settling in to a normal routine at my house they do homework immediately when they get home or it's already finished by the time they get home. We go to the gym where they have some pretty cool kid related activities for them and then we get home and they usually have 30 to 45 minutes to do whatever they want. I try to keep things the same every week so they know what to expect. I also get them in bed at a decent hour every night.

7years.. I can admire you greatly.. The importance of replacing in your grief is that important… You made a choice and stuck with it.. you have replaced and changed.. a very good thing in your own mental health. Your good will come if you stay on a good healthy path with good behaviors.

A real story.. more pieces filled this past weekend during my visit.

My father told me this weekend that he knows divorcing my mom was the right choice made in his life this week. My mom for years defined his sexuality. His needs were never met nor did he know how to bring my mom’s sexuality out of her. He replaced her. He did it in the most hurtful way by having his A first, and of course that was not the way to bring my mom closer but farther apart…. He did it by going on to find a woman who understood his needs and filled them.

I call it the fog of marriage and seem to come in 5-7 years. An unawareness in loving someone you commit.


My dads new W (His A prositute not current W)was in a M where her H used manipulation with anger and running away in silence. My step mother’s H was addicted to drugs.

My step mother told me when she found my Dad (after her D), she could not believe she had attracted such a good man. She only had known a man who turned to addictions, bad behaviors, not strong, but weak… as a partner. She found my Dad when he had gone back to “attraction” mode. Those words of affirmation came easy.. natural.. something he lost, did not do, with my mom.

It was easy for my step mom.. for security and love, she just affirmed him with the love of touch.. she wanted to do it for him.. in exchange she has a man of wealth, kindness, mode of attraction he had lost.. and he realized he could never again be the man he once was. He too changed to realize he could not continue to be.. say the wrong thing.. act in bad behavior.. in exchange he found a woman who would give him what he needed.

My mom told me she tried sexually when my dad would mention it, but it was far to hard. My dad failed to meet her needs as well. He failed to woo her, build her up, and give affirmations. My mom failed my dad too. She too had an A to replace my dad. When he discovered it, the pain set in for both in a huge way. My mom married her AP who was a simple man who’s sexuality was far different yet and valued the simple life.. material things just was not meaningful to this man.. he did not work hard, did drugs, drank.. My mom is 20 years older and said to me she was put on this earth to take care of my step father. “whatever” Is her famous words to me all the time. He did not demand oral sex.. but what he did was to play the guitar.. Never criticize, never tried to change who my mom was.. She was welcome to join him in his life as he was. He never gave a crap about his health.. Healthy meaning physical? No my step father is being supported by the tax payers because he abused his body for so long and is now sick in his late 50’s.

See 7years.. once your D is final.. you will have the ability to replace. I think humans in general need companionship, a mate, a mate for life.

I see your challenge today being one where you somehow forgive your W in ways that you show your kids a good value.. you are a man who will not be abused by a woman, yet you do not judge, you do not belittle your XW nor tell your kids her evil ways, you do not influence your kids to make your W look bad. They will see YOU in time if you continue on a path of being most attractive. These unsaid things you do, how you behave.. your kids will see you as power, strong, and how you were able to get through a very difficult time in your life and move toward a greater peace and happiness. They will admire and respect YOU over your W and want to emulate you not your W. IMO, it should not matter how they see your W today.. It only matters what YOU do… They will see it in years to come as they face their own pain and learn.

You are going to find a good woman if you can pay close attention during your dating. Your good is ahead of you.

I think about replacing when you R. For me, it came with learning and forgiving. I can still have great pain when I take myself back to that moment in time. That will never be replaced. It does get dulled. But you can take great pride in knowing someone does something evil like a LTA to you, yet you have it within yourself to still make happiness. Pride is a good feeling. For some odd reason, when you give.. give.. it “feels” far better than to receive. I know that is a human thing… a physiological thing. I get we “need” certain things, but they do come when we focus on giving and try to really not accept something in return. It is not our choice to give and our choice to see someone selfish. Should some decide not to give reciprocity that is who they are… and we cannot change that person.

We can replace by being fun with our spouses, doing new things, making good comments and avoiding all negativity. You will receive it in return.. if not, you cannot control that and you do what 7years did.. And deal with only teaching your kids what it means to love in the right way.. not be selfish.. be giving and know life is not always fair. We pick ourselves up and do things that give us happiness.

When you D, a spouse may change after you eliminate them from your world because only then after they see what ended. Only then many can then see what they really needed. They might change for the next partner they find. Like my parents. Your mind should be completely on replacing that bad behavior, which was once part of your life and now no longer being part of you.

You focus on not what she does.. but your value to bring to your kids. You show them. If you need to conflict your w, do it in private. Make sure YOU are on the right side.. 100% when it comes to the kids. And make sure you give her consequences that are worthy of her bad behavior. You already know this I know.


Replace 7years.. keep replacing..


my 2 cents today..

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:38 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
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Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see your challenge today being one where you somehow forgive your W in ways that you show your kids a good value..
Showing my children good values and forgiving my STBX are 2 different and separate things in my book. I forgave her for cheating when she told me. What I can't forgive her for is the false R and the failure to even remotely try to fix herself after I stayed after DDay. Is that misplaced anger at myself probably but right now i'm just not in a forgiving mood. I cursed out my STBX today for the first time since she left the house and probably the 3rd time ever. I was NC except kids and finances and the latest stuff with my son at school I guess is pushing her a bit. She sent me this long as woah is me email basically accusing me of being cold to her and ignoring the stuff she has been going through lately. Fuck that noise!! I know I should have ignored it but I typed her an email back letting her "have it" which boiled down to I am no longer your husband, F you and your compassion and it would have been nice if all the stuff she accused me of not feeling for her she had even remotely tried to apply to herself for the last 10 years. I wasn't going to send it but then she called and I answered so I verbally told her everything and still sent the email. Maybe it will get better later but right now there is no forgiving in me. All I focus on and I told her this as well, all I focus on is the kids. As far as she is concerned she doesn't exist to me. She can take her hurt feelings and jump off a bridge for all I care. (ETA:I don't really want her to jump off a bridge because teh kids would be upset.) This is the same pattern of shit with her. She has it tough and I'm supposed to care, not happening. She's still as selfish as ever and I told her I deserve to be angry for as long as I need and I will be since I am no longer her husband she can pound sand and I could care less about her and her feelings.

I probably should have gone with "crickets" but if she wants to pull the woah is me crap then at least once she was going to get a dose of my reality. At the end of her bullshit email she has the nerve to try to make it seem like my behavior towards her is detrimental to the kids. I don't bad mouth her to the kids and I speak to her when the kids are around. We aren't friends and never will be so there is no conversation that needs to happen. Drop offs are drop offs. I don't even know if she realizes this fishing expedition of hers called an email was more of her trying to get me to react to her current situation so she can tell me about how hard life is. The old me would have listened. Not anymore fuck that. So she got told exactly how I felt and how it was going to remain. Her words were "your actions are causing me to harden my heart towards you". My words back, "your heart was hardened towards me years ago when you started fucking other men so I don't care if you no longer have a place in my heart for you it was obviously a little overcrowded in there."

She has had some bad stuff happen lately but as I told her she fired me as her husband so not my job to check on her or ask her if she is okay. I did have enough sense to end the conversation and email with we both need to remain civil for the kids but that is all we need to do for or with each other. Nothing else matters between us but the kids. There is no forgiving in me. I will forgive the minute she can go back and undo everything that happened. It truly is a thin line between love an hate.

you are a man who will not be abused by a woman, yet you do not judge, you do not belittle your XW nor tell your kids her evil ways, you do not influence your kids to make your W look bad.
I failed on that front today but I am not going to stand by and let her keep thinking things are one way when reality is another. I won't bad mouth her to my kids but I am not going to let her just think whatever the hell she wants without correcting her when she goes to far across the line. Forgetting that I am no longer required to give a damn about her and accusing me of essentially emotionally abandoning her is crossing a line that I feel the need to correct. STBXW made all the decisions that got her to this point. I told her all the good and bad stuff that happens from now on is on her. If she chooses to blame me fine, I don't care, but it's her decisions that led her here and not mine. She wanted out she's out, now she needs to stay the hell out of my life and focus on her own.

Yeah it's been a long day and yes I am tired of being angry but its' still there. Guess I'm still waiting on time to flush some of this stuff out of me.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:32 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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