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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - I think he actually believed he deserved credit for that -- see, I could have lied and cheated again, but I didn't! He still doesn't get it.

Trust -- you're right. It's a game of how few crumbs does he think he needs to toss me. A few more than last time?

7yrs -- thank you so very much. If I am stronger, you and everyone else here had a huge part in it. I loved the analogy, even though thanks to Miracle - I now have visions of Claymation characters with casts and crutches singing Christmas songs stuck in my head! That visual is going to get me through the weekend!

Miracle - I guess I do have a plan, and if I had the down payment I probably would have moved out, but there is still an asterisk there - that annoying little asterisk that says in fine print "unless he wakes up." Even if I had left, it would still be there. For now, it's the best I can do. I suck at 180, although I keep trying, and I suck at abandoning hope. Good luck on your interview!!!!!

Ever hear the P!nk song "True Love"? I've been playing it on repeat lately...

At the same time, I wanna hug you
I wanna wrap my hands around your neck
You're an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad I ask myself
Why I'm still here, or where could I go
You're the only love I've ever known
But I hate you, I really hate you,
So much, I think it must be

True love, true love
It must be true love
Nothing else can break my heart like
True love, true love,
It must be true love
No one else can break my heart like you

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 1:47 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whoops, double post

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:58 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For iwam


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dip, I grilled a pizza for dinner. It was REALLY good. Thought of you almost the entire time, LOL.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dheart- sorry that your Wh is still not getting it! he still thinks that the whole world revolves around him! and how happy he is! and apparently how happy his penis is! well screw him! he doesn't know if he loves you in 'that ' way again!
After d-day I screamed at my FWH to go to her! If that's what he wanted! I opened the front door! And started throwing suitcases down the stairs and his clothes out of the closet and down into the entry hall. He was shocked. he had NEVER seen me is such a state!
That was what I felt- if he wanted her than let him go!

Just like the others said you do sound stronger every day...

7 yrs- you sound really strong too! keep us posted .

UKgirl- I know that you have never felt 100% satisfied with the way that R was going for you.
You just always felt that there was something missing in what your FWH was willing or able to do to help R.
What I wish for you and all the LTA tribe is to find happiness again... whether it's by R with the FWS or being on your own..


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs Ė donít worry about the rant! Getting it out means you have less poison to deal with and can see things with a little more clarity. This is all part of moving into the next chapter of your life and you will no longer be concerned about her problems. She made her choice, she forced this upon you and now you can step up into the role of single Dad. You have been strong and positive for your children and, in turn, they have been your strength. Keep going.

I like the analogy, BTW.

DHeart, oh sweetie. I think you have endured enough. He is still showing you that it is, was and always will be about HIM. Please look at your finances and get some money together of your own. See an attorney and find out how the land lies Ė I donít recollect you having done this. Forewarned is forearmed. And, whatever the situation may be, you will feel better for knowing, even if itís not as good as you would hope. He was looking for some response from you, some recognition that he CHOSE to not see her. That should never have been a thought in his head and so I see this as trying to control you, puffing himself up and towering over you in his superiority. He is just a bully.
(((((DHeart)))))

i need some si mojo....i have an interview set up on tuesday for a job....
Major Mojos!!! You go and snaffle that job!

Here I am not functioning well at all. Mr UKg is in Shanghai and finishes his trip next week in Hong Kong. I think he may be meeting up with his old friend who happens to be out there visiting his children. Iíve had some odd conversations with him. I think he is just very tired and would rather be home. He had a nightmare where this Gollum creature grew out of his back and tried to drag him into a pit. He rang me at 2am, not realising the time here. And then he told me about another nightmare of me disappearing into a crowd and not looking back (heís been having that dream since he was in the affair and feeling the strain.)

I feel lost, knowing what is going to happen. I canít be bothered with anything. I need someone to kick my arse. I skyped with DS#2 this morning. What a darling. I love him to bits. He is looking after his GFís dog, a beautiful Labrador/Mastiff X who lives at the fire station with them. Sheís away for a few weeks doing some trek and visiting friends and has entrusted her Pippy to DS. DS loves dogs and takes her running every day. He was wonderful with our dogs. Now I want another dog! Not good!!

Iím avoiding the paperwork to do with Mumís death. Iím avoiding doing my taxes. Or filing. So Iím going to be MIA for a few days. Or maybe longer. Iím going ďdown southĒ for a while to stay with my friend-by-the-coast, which will be good for me as I can be out of touch will everything that has been going on lately. Oh, and I suspect MOW has been back on Linkedin. Just something that popped up that made me suspect. Why am I checking? Perhaps looking for confirmation of something that will make my decision much easier to carry out.

Hugs to the Tribe!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to share this link.
It was posted on General but I thought that many on the LTA thread would find it helpful.

It's information about infidelity for therapists and goes into detail as to the various character traits of the WS as well as how the therapist can judge whether or not the WS is willing and able to work toward reconciliation.

http://www.continuingedcourses.net/active/courses/course047.php


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why am I checking? Perhaps looking for confirmation of something that will make my decision much easier to carry out.

Ukgirl: I get it, I truly do. Perhaps, like me, you know what decision you must make, but don't want to do it. I know I hang on to the slightest thread of hope. Like you, I've put up with so much, one more thing after another and in a way we hope that some big thing will happen that makes us do it, that there is no more denying it and we must move.

I have to keep thinking of the frog in the boiling water. Crap, the water has been boiling for a while already!!

Hang in there.

DH: You sound so much stronger!! Great for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Your WH sounds so much like mine that it actually helps me see how mine is acting when I read your posts.

M3: I always think of Dip when I see grills or want to grill for dinner!

Miracle: good luck with the interview!

7years: Keep posting. Your positive attitude is helpful to all of us.

Ats: give us an update, please.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it is done. I am officially living in my house by myself. I must say it's weird feeling but I feel GREAT! I know it's not completely over yet but this was the last piece for me. Everything else is a formality. I expect soem more emotional stuff to hit at some point but if I dealt with all this stuff so far and made it out I will do the same with whatever comes next as well.

I got my keys back on Friday night but she had to come back over on Saturday to pick up a few more things. she had to knock on the door. That was actually funny.

I went out Saturday to a comedy show with a friend on a date. There are so many awesome non-toxic normal people out there. It's pretty obvious that I am in no way ready for a relationship and I am not looking. She knows this and is okay with it. It's weird because with her having been divorced for years I guess she knows what I am going through. It feels good to have someone be genuinely interested in you even if it's just conversation and going out.

The kids spent 2 nights with there Mother so far and seem to be okay. They understand that they won't be staying with me again until Friday. No major meltdowns and I answer questions and tell them the truth when they ask about us getting back together so more to come on that part I am sure. One good thing is I get to take them with me to the gym in the evenings and they actually love that. I had never done this in the past but I am glad I did now.

I slept in until 9:30 on Saturday which hasn't happenend in years. I still have a ton of stuff to do around the house but it's quiet, no dog, and I can take my time. So for the most part all positives and I really haven't had much of a down turn at all yet. It's weird to have ALL of this extra time now. It's only been 2 days and I am already at the point of what the heck am I supposed to do for the rest of the day. Time to get started on the house and then expand my list of things I want to do.


For any scifi readers out there I feel like Ender from "Enders Game" when they removed the monitor. It's like I recognize that something is different but I can't put my finger on it just yet. Hopefully that feeling will go away soon as I get going and get used to the arrangements with the kids. Your kids drive you crazy but you don't realize how much having them around to drive you crazy is a part of your life until they aren't there. I will never understand deadbeat Dad's. It's lovely to have a quiet house but I miss my kids.


I feel pretty good this morning. I talked to the kids, who were tired. They didn't go to bed until after 10:00pm again. But they seemed okay this morning and excited to go to the summer program. After bumming around yesterday I am going to start cleaning again when I get home this evening. My list of small stuff I need to do legally and financially seems to grow each day. I had most of this stuff already on the list but each day something else pops into my head. You never know just how intertwined you are with someone else until you aren't anymore. Life insurance beneficiaries need to be changed, wills need to be changed, alarm notifications, various memberships, email addresses, etc. Yes, I took it so far as to take my name off her rewards cards info at the grocery store. It seems never ending. I have to call the L today to check on the actual filing with the court of our PSA and the CS.

I am not sure what to expect in terms of emotions but I will roll with those as well. Right now I just feel relieved and happy so I am going to go with it.

I wish you all the best.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck on your interview today, Miracle.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes.... Miracle! Sending you good thoughts! I hope the interview goes well and you get the job!

Honest- I've been thinking of you as well. Is the NPD due back soon with the OW and OC in tow?
How are you holding up?

7 yrs- you sound good.Peaceful.

Ukgirl-You deserve some time away to just relax and not think. Hope your vacation is restful.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 years: you sound so so strong and like njgal said....peaceful

((ukgirl)) oh hon....your heart is so fragile, you are still grieving. give yourself time, you need to allow your heart some time to heal from all of it


well i had the interview and i think it went well, we'll see if they call me back for a second interview...so keep that wonderful mojo comin!!!

on other fronts...scrawny boy graduated yesterday...my baby boy is now a high school graduate and days he will be 18.....it goes so damned fast and thanks to pfm i feel as though the last years have just whizzed by with me just watching and not being as much of a participant as i had always been.....i am still a good mom, of that i have no doubt.....but i have failed my kids on an emotional level...and obviously with manchild i have failed in more then an emotional level.....it is what it is, and i will make it what it can become....so i repeat to myself over and over....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not 10 min after i posted i see manchild carry out all his fireman gear....so i run out to ask him whats goin on....he was thrown off the program, he is no longer a volunteer firefighter because he did not make his quota of calls or fundraiser monies.....

i feel like such a failure of a mother....ironically i know i am still a good mom, but not for this kid...i failed this kid somewhere along the line, and i know that pfm didn't just fail him but condemn him...so my failure and pfms condemnation.....what a pair....

damn...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG...my house is exploding...pfm and manchild are screaming.....

and get ready for it....i tell pfm that "we" failed him and he turns around and tells me..."yea, well you go out and have a good time"....WTF.....seriously...this is all my fault because i am living my life......it couldn't be because he fucked other women, it couldn't be that he was never here, it couldnt be that we fought all the time before i knew, it couldn't be that he was always preoccupied with everyone and everything else....

the difference between us is astounding...i say i failed him, i say we failed him...i am not blaming just him, i did not swing that bat at him alone.....i swung that bat at both of us....what does he do....its my fault because i go out and have fun....

right now i hate my home.....i hate all of it, and i know if it were gone i would be sorry i ever said it,.....but i still feel it... .....i hate him most of all......

i miss my kids being little....it was always so much easier then....

thanks for listening or not....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((iwam))

I wish I were wiser and knew what to say. I hear you, and appreciate your pain. At some point our children have to take responsibility for who they are. pfm didn't do his best, but you did with the tools you had and the environment in which you and man child existed.

We can't make other people do anything, not even our children at some point.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Miracle}}}}
Ats is absolutely right, you did the best you could with what you had to work with. pfm did not step up to the plate.

As for your son, he is old enough to suffer the consequences of HIS actions. You are a wonderful mother. I know how upset you feel. We work so hard, give up so much as parents and want the best for our kids.

You will find that although manchild is making mistakes, he knows how much you love him and that unconditional love with carry him through in the future.

pfm's remark is ridiculous and you know it. You have always been there for your kids and going out once in a blue moon to see friends is perfectly ok and pfm is just jealous.

I'm glad that the interview went well. I'm sure you'll get the job.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((IWAM))) Sorry for all the drama you are going through right now. I am still sending positive thoughts your way for that job offer.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1559 | Registered: May 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - there is not one of us on this board who would ever think of you as anything but the most loving and dedicated of moms. You have a strength and a determination and a love that impresses us all. Yes, you are disappointed and yes, manchild has let you down. But he is young and he will find his way. I believe this because of the kind of mom you are and even if pfm's influence makes your job harder, your son will eventually come to see how hard work and determination (those qualities that you have shown over the years) will bring him the success I am sure he seeks. ((Miracle)))

UKG - I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. I can't imagine how hard this must be. I did want to offer a little advice that my IC gave me after my sister died. I remember being so surprised that all of my anger and hurt from my H's LTA returned with a vengance after her death. My IC explained that when a tragedy occurs other past hurts tend to return anew. He said it was like a train that stopped suddenly and all of the cars following it came crashing into the lead car. Hurt is like that train and when we are suffering a new loss the other devastating losses come crashing in on the one that we are currently suffering from. Take your time and don't make any rash decisions during this time. I know that you have been discouraged and disillusioned with your H's inability to give you what you need over these long years but right now, while you are grieving the loss of your wonderful mother, it might be best to hold off on making any long- term decisions. (((UKG))

Honest - How are you doing? Is your H still planning on bringing the OW & OC here? How will that work?? Please lean on us if you need some support and words of encouragement.

7 years - Congratulations! It sounds like you are well on your way to a new and happier life. How wonderful!

To all the tribe - I think of you all often even though I don't check in as much as I would like. May we all find the peace and comfort we seek and deserve.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 2:19 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi FnF.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ATS I hope things have settled down for you too. I read about your recent setback but hopefully it has been getting better for you. You're another one whose dedication never ceases to amaze me!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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