Very sorry, everyone...
he is the father of my children and at least he's still here right?
After finding out about my FWH's affair, I decided to ask myself what the hell was wrong with me that I allowed my FWH to act selfish and entitled for all those years. To settle for so much less. And, as if that wasn't enough, he is going to go fuck some cray cray slunty cumdumpster? For years? Exposing me to all kinds of diseases!
No, I deserved so much better and I was going to get it or he was out. Yes, I didn't want my children to grow up without their father in the house, but I wasn't going to waste the rest of my life on a man who didn't deserve ME!
People do not do their children any favors by staying in cold, loveless, broken, unhealthy marriages. This is what is going to be modeled for them what a marriage is. Do you want your sweeties to grow up and have a marriage like yours? What would you tell your children if they were grown up and in your exact situation?
I am so sorry you have had to find us prowoman, but SI is the best club you don't want to belong to. (((prowoman)))
StillStanding1 ~ Believe me, I would have been kicked out a long time ago if that was the case.
"Screaming F*@k Monkey" of course....
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
welcome to our little corner of si, and please never be discouraged by our sometimes long drawn out "discussions"...lol, and yes we are like a "family" in here.....and i am so so sorry that you are here....recovery from this takes a long ass time....
since my d-day i have developed a sailors potty mouth....as have lots of us....
welcome home to our oldies who come and go....
affairing down: always, absolutely always...just because someone has a good job, or a high level of education...does not make them a good person....one of my ws's lta women was and is a judge....and she is not a decent human being....my ws was with her for 12 years....
as far as giving them the list of requirements:
i gave my ws my list....he chose not to meet them...so now the choice for me was simple...they were my requirements and they were mandatory...without them there is no me....i am still in my marriage, but it is not a marriage and he knows that it is a question of time before i file....i chose to stay in the sich for my kids and for myself to buy myself some time to get on my feet....and this is an in-house separation....i gave him 6 months to do right, he never did...and he still wants the marriage, he is incapable of meeting my needs....which are not options but "requirements"
so basically one needs to decide how long to give their ws to fly straight or fly out.....the only thing worse then doing the same thing that is not working for a year is doing it for a year and day (love dr phil) and so on...
all of us bs's must concentrate on ourselves...whether that be eating right, excerise, getting a job, going back to school, and on some days just getting out of bed.....we must first learn to put ourselves first...for alot of us this is a new concept, especially for sahm's....for years we put everyone else's needs above our own.....well now its time to put our needs above everyone else....we will be much better for it, including being a better parent for it....
since d-day, i lost the mom i was....i am still a good mom most of the time...but i am and was done putting everyone else first....now i weigh each sich as it arises and asign the priority accordingly...i still have my days where i believe i suck as a mom, a daughter.....basically its usually when life around me is in chaos....or when there is alot of shit hittin that fan.....and when those days hit, i take some time for me....i cannot give to anyone if my bank is empty...so i fill my bank so to speak....
i try to live my life on a path of least regret...basically we all will have regrets....the key is picking the path that will hold the least regret a year from now, 5 years from now...not tomorrow or even next week or next month...our regrets change with time...the short term regrets usually don't last..its the long term regrets that never leave us....its the long term regrets that are the true regrets....we are all faced with choices....and sometimes our choices are not simple ones...but complicated and usually between a rock and a hard place.....and its when we face those choices that we need to focus our decisions based on the future not the short term....
anyways....have a good nite tribe
I understand that now. Unfortunately one needs to be strong enough to do that. Strong enough to want to survive and thrive.
Just living in limbo and letting the WS call the shotts is not a M. You have to decide what you want too. You have to decide what you want out of your life. Even in a good M, one's spouse cannot decide that for you.
The trauma kills our self esteem. We need to recover and start to move on. Our world has been shattered. What we had, or thought we had no longer exists, and there is a lot of grief to be dealt with. Even if one is going to R, it is going to be a new M. The WS who wants to rugsweep believes that one can go back to the old M, but that M does not exist anymore. A new M needs to rebuilt and that can only be done with both partners working towards that.
I've hung on tooth and nail onto something that was only a fantasy. I almost have to build a brand new life, and it's scary as hell. NPD was my whole life. I gave up everything for him and it's hard to go on, mostly by myself.
I am SO lucky that my SAWH's LTA did not get pregnant. My lawyer says that really screws up kids psychologically because there is the 1/2 sibling out there and the relationship is tenuous and stressful on you and they take their cues from you.
Prowoman, it's okay to not know what you want right now or even if you know what you want that's okay as well. Just understand that the only thing you can control is yourself. So please make sure you focus on yourself right now. Take a look at the 180 in the healing library and focus on detaching. It's #11 under the BS FAQ, here is a link:
The 180 will help you to refocus your energy on yourself. I have 2 kids, 8 and 6. I felt the same way you did initially but my STBXW made it so I really had no choice but to file for D. My kids are doing fine and in my case I prefer them to come from 2 homes than 1 extremely broken home. STBXW was not capable of doing the work to resolve her issues and we didn't get along at all anymore. My kids didn't see 2 loving parents. They saw roommates that never touched, barely talked, didn't even hug each other. I didn't want my kids to think that's what a normal family life was supposed to be like. My house is a much happier place now. They have their time with mom and there time with me. I really dislike my STBXW but we were able to put the kids first. I don't say that to sway you one way or another just to give you my perspective since I have small kids and i'm well into the D process.
For now please focus on taking care of yourself. Eat and drink when you can, exercise if you are able, spend time with your children and friends, and be kind to yourself. Even if you don't believe in D, I would recommend seeing a L just to understand your rights. Even if you dont' believe in D it doesn't mean your WH won't come home one day and decide to file himself. So focus on building yourself back up, cut him off financially if you can, split up you finanaces, go to your friends and family for emotional suport. Come here to SI and post when you need someone to hear you. Many WS's have no incentive to change because the status quo remains the same. You change the status quo by focusing on you and deciding what YOU want without your WH. You move forward with your life and he has to make a decision of getting his shit together and coming with you towards a new M, as he does the work to make himself safe again (your old M is dead) or watching you leave him in the dust with his AP. I wish you the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 7:58 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
5 years changed him into an emotionally obese candy eater. It was feeding him sugar highs and destroying his appetite for health.
I have trouble wrapping my head around 5 years! He wants to change but how long do I wait? I don't want to be with what he is now. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for 5 years and accepted so little, now I see he was giving energy to it.
I do not like the taste of this sandwich. It tastes like shit.
He wants to change but how long do I wait?
Even then his A may in fact be a deal breaker for you. So take the time you need to figure out what you want. By doing the 180 and detaching, IMO, it puts you on an emotionally level playing field. Your WS detached from you a long time ago when he started the A. He killed your M and if you remain together you have to build a new M but you can't do all of the work. He has to pull his weight and work through his own issues. By detaching you give yourself a clean slate and you can try to look objectively at the state of your relationship and decide what you want to do going forward whether it's with your WH or without him.
How long do you wait? It's completely up to you. I was in false R for a year and it took me 6 more months after that to make a decision. In my case the decision was to file for D but by detaching I could look objecively at my WW and clearly see that she had didn't have the ability or desire to actually resolve her issues. So for me it took about 6 months after I truly woke up from my own BS FOG. It's different for everyone and I consider myself one of the more stubborn casea as I had some pretty horrid codependancy issues to work through. It was really tough for me to let go but in the end I had no choice or face another Dday at some point in the future.
I wish you the best and keep posting. Others will be along with advice as well.
It's just so much to process. So long to look back. So much wrong with me. So much wrong with him.
He is using a lot of words. In IC. NC as far as I know. I have all of his passwords and access to all of his sites. I feel like he is feeling sorry for himself and wants support and validation from me. Things he has denied me for years. He still craves candy. BAH! 180.
It's hard to concentrate on myself but I am trying. Like why would I stay with someone who treated me like he did. Probably I should check into codependency too.
Seenow...I think at about 4 mos. Out my real anger set in too. Course angry may be a bit of an understatement. I think what you are feeling is normal in the process. However, 7years is right, you may not know yet whether its a dealbreaker. Wrapping our heads around an LTA is incredibly difficult.
Your wh needs to back up words with actions. If he isn't doing that, he may not be truly remorseful yet. Doesn't mean he won't get there...hang in there, take care of yourself.
Are you separated from your WH?
Is he still living in his own apartment?
Are you 100% certain that he is no longer in contact with the OW?
Is he remorseful and motivated about saving the marriage?
IMHO those two things are key for reconciling after a LTA.
because if the WS is highly motivated then he/she will be willing to do the things that the BS needs to heal and ultimately reconcile.
My FWH had a 5 yr LTA and right after d-day I kicked him out. We were separated for 6 months and then I agreed to have him move back home.
About 3 months after d-day I agreed to try MC and we started to 'date'.
I was serious about divorcing him after d-day and even filed for divorce.
He had to convince me to take him back.
He was very motivated.
Meanwhile....the MOW/co-worker/drinking buddy/f-buddy also ended up separating and eventually divorcing.
Are you worried that now that the OW is divorced the LTA could start back up again?
So, I know what you are going through.
For me-finding out about a 5 yr LTA was very traumatic and shocking.
Do you have someone to talk to IRL? Have you tried going to IC?
when you say he still craves candy....does that mean that the affair has not ended? and he still sees the OW?
[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:56 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
Do you have anyone to speak to in real life? someone that you can go to for advice?
Do you really believe that you deserve so little?
If he is not bringing anything positive to the table-why is he there?
I have a slightly different opinion.
I think that all of your requests were reasonable and could be helpful in your attempt to reconcile and heal after a LTA.
All of those things- a letter to the OW, a letter to the BS, and a timeline are all things that can give you insight into your WS.
I agree that sending the letter to the BS and even the OW may not be the thing to do.
At this point NC may be best.
But, the process of writing the letters could be helpful for your WS and for you.
You could just keep the letters between yourselves.
Hearing him express his views about the LTA in this way could be very helpful for you.
But,one thing I feel very strongly about is the timeline.
My FWH wrote a timeline for me and I found it very helpful for both of us.
I think that all the WS who were involved in LTAs compartmentalized their life.
Their family, marriage, home life etc. was in one compartment -labeled 'real life' and the LTA and the OW/OM was in another compartment labeled 'fantasy'.
They spent years avoiding thinking about how awful their behavior was, they were champions at pushing those negative thoughts out of their head.
They minimized and lied.
And often they lied to themselves! They avoided thinking about what they were doing.
IMHO writing a detailed timeline forces them to take a real good look at what they have done and how long it really went on.
It's often an eye opener for them.
Honesttoafault, what you say is also so true. I feel like the trauma just hasn’t ended yet, so I’m not strong enough yet to make that decision. There’s so much about our M that WAS good and I still see where our future M could be a truly collaborative, communicative, healthy, positive relationship. But maybe he’s not “all in”. I’ve waited patiently – I’m just not sure how long is right for us.
Hi seenow, welcome, I’m new too. I’m tired of chewing on this nasty sandwich too. I think 7yrs has great advice that we both can use. I need to learn more about co-dependency. Think I have some issues in that regard… sigh.
And njgal, my WH still has his apartment. We’ve spent more time together since separating that we did before. For most of July/August, he was sleeping over almost every night. Going back to shower and do laundry, mostly. He’s moved his “move back in” date back over and over again. We had a big dust-up on Friday and I’m still reeling from that conversation. I wrote him several emails over the weekend and he is working on giving me a “thoughtful” response. I really think we are at a “make it or break it” point. Up until now, our R has been primarily good. We’ve gone to Retrouvaille, read, actively tried to speak each other’s Love Languages, given him my list of requirements/needs, dated, been in counseling, been having sex regularly. Although it’s tough for me to get past the mind movies and all that, I’ve actively tried to make sex fun and fulfilling. I’ve tried to incorporate his likes as well as my own. I’ve been addressing my own issues: self-esteem, lost weight, am exercising hard, working on introspection, and communicating better.
The one thing he’s not doing is communicating better. When he finally tries to, sometimes it comes out very bad. Like Friday, he basically said he’s learned that he prefers “wild crazy screaming pounding monkey sex” and is worried that since that is not my preference, he might be tempted to stray again if he doesn’t get that kind of sex. (I started a thread in “R” called “just devasted” if you want the ugly details). I’ve had pain issues the past few years and finally got that addressed with some topical steroid cream (sorry for the tmi, everyone), so while sex is WAY better, I still have some pain and fear issues when it comes to the rough stuff. If that’s a deal breaker, then so be it. What frosts me is that in 23 years, he’s never talked to me and told me this. So, is this a “new” thing since his A? Did he finally find his “screaming f*ck monkey” and that’s what he’s having trouble letting go? My notes to him this weekend addressed whether we are to have a collaborative approach to a fulfilling sex life. I’ve spiced things up to meet what I THOUGHT were his desires and make it fun for both of us. I feel like he just moved the target on me. Sorry this is so long, I just don’t know how to communicate all this briefly.
Certainty about whether he’s NC? How does one ever really know? He has a business relationship with her. I really don’t think that it’s possible that he’s been physical with her in the last few months because of the time he spends with us. That said, I feel like a fool to say I truly trust or believe anything. I was clueless for years. I don’t trust my own gut. He has told me and my MIL that the AP is super pissed and doesn’t want to talk to him. For a while, he still checked in with her to see how she’s doing. Since joining SI, I’ve explained how NC can work in a business relationship.
I think he’s remorseful, but perhaps not 100% yet. I’m still waiting for that, “I’ll do ANYTHING to fix this attitude”. He’s done A LOT. He really has. I make him sound like such a creep and an ass, but he’s really not. It’s like he’s 90% awesome and 10% controlled by the devil sometimes. He’s even feeling like he’s struggling against this dark need and is feeling like a pervert. So, then I wonder, is this sexual addiction? IDK. I’ve got so much to learn. This last piece just came out on Friday, so my mind is reeling. I thought his issues with not feeling loved and needing more sex were valid and I was truly working on my end. Now, I’m wondering if it’s just futile. I’m just so confused, hurt, and devastated. I truly think he wants us to work and wants us to have a happy fulfilling M. He says that everything else about our relationship is “right on”. He says he still really loves me. He is just fighting these “inner demons”. He truly doesn’t want to hurt me and the kids again, so he is scared to move back in and fully R. I’ve asked him to dig deep for WHY.
Again, sorry for the long post. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath forever. Keeping a mask on so that I can function and take care of my kids. I’ve rarely melted down and cried over this. I worry that the tidal wave is coming and will sweep me under when I finally let go. Thanks to all of you for your care and concern for others like me, when you are still struggling with your own healing….
I think this LTA really changed my WH. "It" put him on a pedestal and made him feel good without much effort in return. I think probably all affairs do that but after 5 years getting your needs filled that way, it atrophies your ability to do it with hard work and reflection. I call it being fulfilled with candy. He's been eating it so long, exercise and a healthy diet are not easy.
It just kills me too because he was always prejudiced against fat people. Yep, and didn't care for me because I became slightly overweight. I just wish he could see his overweight and unhealthy emotional self in the mirror.
Anyway, morning ramblings....
Love and strength to all the LTA tribe.
I get my WS to write his feelings and thoughts sometimes. He has trouble getting a full idea presented verbally (and I derail him with my anger often).
[This message edited by seenow at 9:27 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]