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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Danni - you have a wonderful weekend. I have never been to Maine, but I can imagine how nice it must be this time of year.

it will take a kind of courage and growing up for you H to respond as he should. i wonder if he is playing some old tapes in his head about being told 'no' and resenting having to take the full responsibility of an adult, which includes humility and addressing the needs of others.

i also feel that burden too in terms of my own healing. the ego is very powerful. from time to time, if I see a very attractive and sexy woman, i feel an urge of 'I want that'. the man-child in me becomes resentful at being told 'no', really by myself and my choices, but it is easy to project that resentment on the M and my WW. It is also about just getting old and losing youth, and not wanting to embrace reality and be happy with what you have.

for the duration of my M, my inner man-child blamed my WW for my career. I played a tape in my head of my single mother saying I needed have this career because it was stable and financially lucrative. the career did nothing for my soul, however. I am only now realizing that I have choices, the past was my responsibilty ultimately, and that instead of being angry at others, I just need of fogive myself.

I hope your H comes to the mature realization that he needs to be humble and feel uncomfortable for the good of you - and if not - let at least have the decency to simply let you go in a gentle way.

Jack


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My apology to all those I offended.

Honest. Thank you for that poem.. you are most beautiful.

[This message edited by trynhard at 1:20 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I got official court documents in the mail yesterday where the judge signed the custody agreement and the child support agreement we put in place. I still have 9 months before the D can be official, stupid 1 year waiting period in my state. It was good to finally have something official in my hands. It actually feels real now.

Been realizing lately that I am actually doing pretty good these days with one exception. I am in no way ready to date. I really did want to be able to be with someone but i'm not ready and it's pretty obvious. So I will just continue to do me, enjoy the kids, and enjoy life on my own terms until I am ready. Everyone have a great weekend.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I will just continue to do me, enjoy the kids, and enjoy life on my own terms ...

Sounds pretty good 7yf.

Has anyone heard from mm33445? Hope she is doing OK.

Dip, good to see you. Frog legs sound good, from China or catch'em yourself? Recently my favorite has been thin ribeye steaks for sandwiches grilled on the boat at the beach.

Have a good weekend Danni. It is a hard think to change the behaviors and coping mechanisms that have (seemingly) worked for a lifetime. Your WH may rather let his M and life be destroyed than take ownership of what he is responsible for and making the necessary changes.

I am only now realizing that I have choices, the past was my responsibilty ultimately, and that instead of being angry at others, I just need of fogive myself.

Which is easier said than done, it is so much easier to blame others who "made" us do it, or for whom we "had" to do something. Good post MC.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 2:41 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni: It may be a blessing in disguise that you can get some time to yourself. You can take time to reflect, BUT, take a break from that and get out. Do things you enjoy, taking walks in the woods, go to small antique shops (if you like that ) Go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Enjoy yourself.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in no way ready to date
.

If you look at the S/D and New Beginnings sections of SI, most agree that one is not ready to date for quite a while after a D. Change causes stress, even when it's change for the better. You have to get a handle on who you are now before getting into a relationship with someone new. You have a very healthy attitude. Focus on you and being the best person you can be. Meet new people and do things you enjoy. The time will come when you will meet someone that can appreciate you and you will be able to put your energy in a new relationship. Right now, you have healing to do.

MC: like Ats, I also liked your post. Good reflections there. It's hard to change old habits and as my IC has often said to me, that we get used to operating in a certain way because it feels comfortable to us, even when it's not working. It's hard to really look at that, and as you said, to forgive yourself and start to do things in a better way.

Dip!!! So good to see you!! We missed you. I hope all is well with you. Frog's legs? Now that's a different thing to grill. Geez, I can't get the image out of my head about the princess kissing the frog and it turning into a prince. LOL.

Ats: Grilling on your boat at the beach? Now that sounds divine!!

If I could have one wish granted, I wish that the wonderful picture Laura made a while back with all of us at the beach could come true!! Plenty of room for the newbies


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni - Im very sorry to hear this most recent turn of events. I've been there. Sometimes they just don't get it & are seemingly incapable of getting it.

My X wanted to reconcile 4 months of after moving out. 1 1/2 years later, you would think if this is what he wanted (he doesnt appear to have moved on, not dating to my knowledge, and insists that he really, really wants R), he would have done SOMETHING over the last 1 1/2 years to make me consider it. But, he hasn't. Just bizarre.

For him, it has always been about rugsweeping and starting over - meeting all his needs, of course & barely recognizing mine.

I have learned to not care. I know none of this is a reflection of me and I know that trying to make him someone he is not, is not going to work.

Just my insight based on my experience - maybe it helps you understand your H?

I hope you can enjoy your weekend - Im sorry it did not turn out as planned.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:03 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danni-
Sorry that your WH reacted like he did! So disrespectful and dismissive.

It could be that he is tired of being questioned and not trusted.
But...when you are involved in a LTA that is the price you pay.
Your spouse is going to be suspicious for a long time and will need to verify that you can be trusted again.

There is also the possibility that he does have a secret Gmail account and all of his drama and angry outbursts is an attempt to divert your attention and keep you from finding out.

That's why sitting down and communicating with his wife would have been a much better choice.

You have every reason in the world to be upset, disappointed and angry.

I hope you do take the time alone this weekend to relax, de-stress and think about what you would like to do next.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs-
It sounds like you are doing well. Good to hear that you are feeling positive.

IMHO waiting awhile before beginning to date is a wise decision.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, September 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is also the possibility that he does have a secret Gmail account and all of his drama and angry outbursts is an attempt to divert your attention and keep you from finding out.

^ Danni, from my own experience, this was my first thought. This is what my WH did/does when he is trying to gaslight me.

Have a peaceful weekend! Ypou deserve some sanctuary.

7yrs - is congratulations the appropriate response? I am happy for you.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 7:54 PM, September 20th (Friday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

^^^ I've never seen anyone use that symbol, so I thought I would.

Now that the gender wars are over, and the patriarchal hegemon is on the run, now what do we do? Zzzzz.....

Jack

re: closure. I think I just need to get to 100% certain that 'there isn't anything else'. My WW is really having a marriage epiphany these days. Helps the M to be sure, but doesn't address my own emasculation/re-masculation issues. Hmmmmm.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 5:56 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
gotta2know
♀ Member
Member # 37115
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey gang,

I've been extremely busy taking care of my dad who has brain cancer with his time down to a few weeks if that, really it could be any day. My job has also been busy. I have been lurking with sadness at all the new members and with admiration for all the strength in this group of people.

I have done this whole thing wrong in some ways but in other ways I think I have finally arrived at peace In divorcing my pos husband. I've lied to myself, made excuses, tried being the quality wife I should be and nothing has pulled his head out of his ass. We all know they have to do it and I have just decided I can't compete with rainbows and unicorns anyway.

In a strange way, sometimes in a sick way, I feel, losing my dad is the turning point for me. How dare he do this to me while I am stressed about losing my dad . What a sick individual. I have hit bottom andstayed there for so long while trying to believe his lies. In the last couple of months I have regained some of my self esteem back by working really hard at my job. I am a school secretary and I just love it. I had a miserable year last year and wasn't the employee I am usually. No more! I made up my mind before school started that I wasn't going to let his problems bring me down.

Yes, I am sad but I am not going to let this loser sit with me losing my dad acting like he is a good husbnd. I will lose my dad side by side with my mom and brother my husband is not going to share in this very personal and private time. Im sure his ho gets updates and I resent this probably the most. I feel like it is one of the milestones they need to have happen before my pos can leave.

Please send me lots of strength. I think I'm ready to run


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 46(repeated cheater, cake eater)
Married 17 years
DD 4/8/2011 and many more
3 children- 22(mine), 16 and 13
Living in misery trying to understand why I choose to do so.
I like the saying "feel the fear and do it anyway!&

Posts: 165 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: SD
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gotta))) I have often thought about you. Thanks so much for the update.

I am so sorry that it is close to the end for your dear father. I am sure he is proud of you and appreciates you being there for him and the rest of the family. He will get to leave this world with all the ones that truly love him by his side.

Have you told your WH that you are divorcing him? Or, are you seriously getting your ducks in a row?

How dare he do this to me while I am stressed about losing my dad.
Yes, that is extremely selfish and utterly despicable. It seems to come out of the WS handbook. Many WS's seem to chose tragic or life changing events in life (pregnancy, birth, death, etc.) to have an affair.

I am sending you strength and mojo, gotta. You do sound stronger and decisive now. Very good to hear.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Gotta}}}}
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Your father will be proud of you. You are doing the best thing by focusing on you. You have done everythin

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Gotta}}}}
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Your father will be proud of you. You are doing the best thing by focusing on you. You have done everything you could to fix your M and one cannot R alone.

but doesn't address my own emasculation/re-masculation issues.

MC: When I read this, I immediately thought about one of your posts where you said a lot of BWs concentrate and compare themselves on the OW. For me, I guess that would be the female equivalent of what you are calling "emasculation' issue. Perhaps many (not all) BWs feel they are not good enough, etc and compare themselves or wonder what is wrong with them and what was so great about the OW that the WH would risk the M and children for them.

The age old advice on SI applies here: it's not about the BS, but the WS. Unfortunately, although many of may intellectually and logically understand this, our FEELINGS are strong. But as my IC keeps pointing out to me: FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS.

Still hard to deal with though.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotta, I am glad to hear from u as well. You have gotten hugs and mojo, I'll give u a butt slap:

Gotta
-----

You really sound different in your writing. Glad to hear that you have been able to get joy from your job.

honest,

thank you for your thoughts re: emasculation. Indeed, consistent with my observations, I never think about or compare myself to the OM. And no it is not about the WS, this is about me. Like some primitive programming has been activated. Not me vs. OM, but me vs. The Pack. And conquest is the vehicle by which your worth is proven. More on this later I suppose. Time for my beauty sleep. :-)


ETA: awake now in the morning. Continuing the above, and just sharing here as a vehicle of dealing with it, the primitive programming is bio/ early socialization that you are better if you get more babes. (I errored on the side of alliteration for that statement.) So as far as the OM goes, no regard or thoughts whatsoever. I am resentful at my WW that she gave OM that 'conquest feeling' when I want it. And I have to manage it now under a crippled sense of marriage purpose. This may make no sense to the kind ladies here - indeed it might sound ridiculous - but if you go to the betrayed mens thread you will see aspects of this sentiment. The betrayal is looked at vis a vis the larger context of hard work, financial support of the family, the pack. Nothing about the OM in particular. Well, except of the occasional penis size discussion.

not really an LTA topic per se, but thought I'd share...

oh there are 2 new LTA victims in Just Found Out that could use our support.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:23 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack: Interesting thoughts. There are a lot of instinctual things that we do carry from our primitive ancestors such as flight/fight response. As a species, we survived better as a group and the reactions to betrayal of another member of the group, especially your mate that is supposed to protect or work with you is strong.

But to further the discussion when you said it's you against "the pack" and not against the OM per se.....hmmmm I've seen a lot of BH want to kill the OM, which, perhaps may be the age old instinctive response. As you observed many BW's may feel in competition with the OW and want to know what is so special about her that the WH was looking at her...

Interesting thoughts.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gas anyone heard from ukgirl?

Attended D/S group and Q on when one should begin dating: exactly 26 days! Seriously, post D you are not your best and hurt attracts hurt

Sister- my WW A began after the death of my brother

Jack- when I compare myself to OM,I can never understand WW choosing OM over me not a single thing. It is all about the WS

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when I compare myself to OM,I can never understand WW choosing OM over me not a single thing. It is all about the WS

I don't compare myself to OM. Never have really, except in a mostly positive way. That was my point. It is all about me, the BS, right now.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

post D you are not your best and hurt attracts hurt

I can attest to that. I tried dating 4 months after my X moved out (which was 10 months after we had called it quits) and I was not ready. Some of the A baggage clouded my thoughts and the guy I had dated had his own emotional baggage. When I realized this was a mistake (which was within a month), I then had the guilt associated with breaking up with this guy - I should've known I wasnt ready.

What it was good for, however, was restoring some of my self-esteem.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:51 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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