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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TrustGone))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((trustgone))) so sorry to hear what your are dealing with. you are such a caring person.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone:
I've mostly been staying on the mens thread and just following along here. But wanted to let you know that I'll be sending you all the good juju I can. Stay Strong!


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs, mojo, juju, and anything else you can send my way. I really appreciate it so much!!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TrustGone))))



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Working backwards here. I’ve tried to catch up a couple of times, but I’ve logged on and then had to see to something else. I’ve got myself a window now that fWH has gone off to London for a flight to China tomorrow. More of that later, there are more important things I want to chime in with.

(((((Trust))))) My goodness, I’m so sorry. I always hate reading posts that say things like: “but now I will be forced to remain in this marriage as he carries my insurance” It just seems so unfair that people are locked in and the ones with the insurance seem to hold all the cards. I’ve never paid out for additional private health care (sometimes it’s been part of the package with fWH’s job) but I do have private dental health care. Although any emergency would be taken care of under our national health service. Trust, isn’t there some other area you can work in that will use your skills and experience so that you CAN get health insurance? Sorry, I’m very dumb on this as it’s just not the same here. Just know that you are in no way to blame for your condition – let all that negativity go on how you used to feel. Seems to happen so often in medicine. The human body is an very complicated piece of equipment and, since it’s the one you have been given, take good care of it. Now that you know what you have, try to live your life to accommodate it but not be ruled by it. Big hugs. (((((Trust)))))

7yrs. Well, things could be interesting from Friday onwards. Like you say, watching a train wreck. Or perhaps a circus? Then you at least get to enjoy some parts while frowning at others. And you don’t have to get involved, unlike the obligation to rescue someone from a train wreck. Her moving out means a few more attached threads broken.

DHeart – did you go to the beach thing? I know what you mean about OW’s birthday – that’s enough to trigger anyone, let alone one still in the picture!! You have to do what YOU are comfortable with and you do what you WANT to do. If you want to go – go. If not, stay home. Or go somewhere else. Don’t feel bad about confronting him – this is unacceptable behaviour and I don’t see why you shouldn’t tell him so. Her FB post is throwing out a pity party line to try and draw him back in. Try to gather your strength and know you are better than either of them. I’m glad you don’t need surgery, perhaps it’s down to WH to mend your heart!!

Any news on the job…..?

Ats – Good grief!! You were there for a conference and she was being pissy because you weren’t giving her enough attention. So she took the truck and GOT your attention. I somehow doubt you were surprised. I assume you were paying attention to her, but in her mind it wasn’t enough attention or not the right sort or whatever. She had chosen a path and was going down in anyway. Shrug and breathe. It’s about her, not you.

Sister – with reference to a timeline. I got fWH to do a timeline a little over 2yrs after d-day. I gave him an outline with useful events, job changes, etc to give him a start. What he came up with was useful in part, but not otherwise. But at least I got what I call “the bookends”. After all the TT’ing, I ended up writing my own timeline/history of our relationship, filling in all I could and guessing a lot too. As t turned out, my detective work was mostly right

Okay – BBL. DS and I gotta eat.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trustgone-
So sorry to hear this. I will keep you in my prayers.Focus on yourself and getting better.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So. FWH is off to China. And he has been sending me texts to ask if I will be “here” when he returns or if I have “left” already. I know this is his insecurity being in a hotel on his own. He hasn’t had MOW (or his previous “interests”) to text or talk to since d-day and he has transferred that to me. I don’t like being an ego stroking/sympathetic ear replacement. He is going out on business with the Production Manager – a woman (she’s about 45) who has been having a very LTA (15yrs or something) with the Italian owner of the business. I don’t think she is a threat. He says she is getting up early to get a lift with someone from the haulage company they deal with (I asked if she was shagging the owner…..) to catch the flight. This is a 10day trip, back on 29th. I’m due to be away, as I am every year, for my friend’s birthday – a friend with the same name as MOW whose birthday is two days before MOW’s – triggery or what!!

I’m not happy about any of it. This is the same period as leading up to d-day when WH was with MOW for a couple of days before I went off down south to celebrate my friend’s significant birthday, then he was with her again for her significant birthday, my friend returned up to my place for a few days and WH was significantly absent before things returned to “normal” around 30th. I don’t think fWH has tied the dates. He doesn’t “do” dates (or so he says). All those complicated arrangements he made.

But I don’t plan to stay. So really it doesn’t matter. fWH has done nothing to change my mind since February. DS18 has done his last exam today and I said to fWH that this would be the time for us to split – now that time is here. I refuse to be drawn into his plans for the future – going to NZ for the autumn, selling the house, travelling. It will be hard as Mum died just 4wks ago and I am sorting stuff with my siblings. Not easy when we all live so far away from Mum’s place and from each other. My emotions are all over the place. But fWH’s answer is to drive on with what he wants. He won’t talk or discuss or give me any hope. I have never understood why he stayed. MOW has posted a new pic on her FB. It’s lovely. Her family is lovely. I know she has this selfish streak, this nasty side to her, but that’s only because she wanted WH, her ex, so badly. And I can’t stay. Not with someone who had so little regard or respect for me and who allowed her presence in our marriage for all this time after d-day. It’s as if he can’t quite let her go. She will always be in a corner of his heart and I can’t live with that.

And yet I keep hoping he’ll come up with something. He could be a KISA for her, but not for me. He thought I would always be here.

(((((Tribe)))) Here for each other.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((trust)))))

i am so so sorry for all your pain, i wish had some magic fairy dust to sprinkle upon you and make it ALL go away.....

you need to take one day at a time here, and at times it will be by the hour or even the minute...keep breathing...sending lots of prayers and mojo your way


7years: wow.....i would think you are divided on all of this....half of you wanting her to fall on her face hard and the other half....wanting her to be ok for your kids....its sucks doesn't it???


(((((ukgirl))))) wow, i can't believe after all the time invested you have decided to split.....i hope it brings you peace...i know you have not felt a sense of peace since d-day....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Trust}}}}}
I'm so sorry for your news. Right now you need to focus on YOU. There are a lot of triggers and bad memories, but try to focus on the NOW.
As for your job, you still might find work as a teacher or a consultant. A friend of mine with an RN gives classes to expectant mothers. There may be something for you. Don't give up hope and keep posting. We are here for you.

UKGirl: I'm so sorry that your WH has not stepped up to the plate. This is an extremely hard time for you. Try to focus on what needs to be done now for your mother and your siblings. Don't make any decisions now while you are in mourning. I believe you've been thinking about D for a while now and this has helped you make a decision. Get your ducks in a row. Get yourself prepared.
I'm so sorry.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 more days!!! I say this with some sadness, anger, joy and a little bit of everything else mixed in. The sadness and anger is completely caused by what my kids are dealing with. For the most part they are okay, I think. They are at least talking to us if they have questions or feel bad. My son has had a boy scout camp this week and the first 2 nights the troop leaders said he did fine all day then broke down at the end of camp telling them he didn't want his parents to separate. He did better last night. STBX talked to him the first night and I talked to him the 2nd night. We are reassuring him that he did nothing wrong and that we still love him. My daughter gets it but not to the extent my son does. She has gone on about her little business but yesterday when I took her with me to the gym she told her mother to make sure she was still here when we got back. (I think she gets more than we gave her credit for) It just pisses me off that my kids have to go through this crap because of STBX's shitty decisions. I think STBX has smartened up enough to know not to pull the pity party crap around me. She is still packing and will be out on Saturday morning at the latest. The kids will be with her next week.

I am continuing to move forward. The other side to her moving out is I finally get peace in my house again after many years. I don't have to go to bed with the TV on in the other room because she sleeps with the tv on. She caught a cold this week and did her normal "illness is kryptonite so I can't do anything" crap. If I get sick though I always toughed through it and did what had to be done. I was pissed last night because she can NEVER get the kids in bed at a normal time because she is always doing something but never doing something at the same time. How is that even possible??? Seriously she has been cleaning the house to leave for the last 4 months and nothing is different. I started really cleaning last week, as in throwing stuff out that I didn't want and did more in 2 hours then she did in 4 months.

I also don't have to deal with any more complaints about how tired she is so I end up giving the kids baths and getting them ready for bed all the time. The kids will actually be in bed at a decent hour now when with me and I won't have problems getting them up in the mornings. The more I look back the more I see this was NEVER a M of equals and now that I don't even wonder if she is going to do anything things get done that much faster.

No more having to hear her ask me what's wrong when it should be damn well obvious what's wrong. I don't subscribe to the mind reader philosophy but I just got tired of explaining something to someone and realizing no matter how many times you explain it they heard you but for soem magical reason can't comprehend what you are saying. So I just don't talk anymore and no longer have to after this weekend. I mean last night it's 10:00pm, I had to go pick my son up from boyscouts after STBX gave me the wrong pickup time. This meant I am sitting in the parking lot with my duaghter in the car for 1.5 hours. Then my battery dies so I have to get a jump. No big deal, I get teh jumper cables ask for someone to give me a jump handle it then head home. I make it back home it's late and she has been at home ALL day. My daughter is doing the i'm so sleepy all I can do is cry but I can't even cry right because I pass out mid whine and STBX is asking how the day went and doing everything except getting them ready for bed. I get the kids ready for bed and I know they are going to be sleepy and grumpy in the morning. She took off work to pack but I am taking them in the morning so I have to deal with the grumpy kids and she still doesn't understand why I am pissed about her delaying them getting in the bed. It's oen of those "what's wrong with you kind of nights" and she is absolutely clueless again. Any way as stated i don't have to deal with this anymroe after this weekend. My house my rules. I say good luck to her as they bulldoze her ass into submission during her weeks. I am already wondering how many ignored calls it will take before she realizes that I am no longer the "heavy" for her when they don't listen. They act fine around me but know she is a push over. She will learn eventually I guess.

Anyway sorry for this long rant. I guess it's been pent up for awhile and I needed to get it out. On a positive note I do have an official date scheduled for Saturday night. She is divorced herself, understands my situation, and I have already told her I am in no way looking for a relationship and just want to go out and enjoy some time with regular people again. She is cool with that. I put everything on the table up front so there is no pressure. I also have no desire to bring anyone into my kids life for a very long time. I don't want any long term relationships and my time with the kids is MY time with the kids and my family. No sharing with others for the forseebale future. So I plan on enjoying myself as I get acclimated to my new found freedom again on the weeks the kids are with their Mother and on the other hand enjoying myself with the kids when they are with me. I am actually pretty excited and looking forward to this next chapter in my life. I honestly think I was built to be a single Dad. I know I said this before but thanks to everyone in the LTA thread for the support. It was a tremendous help and for those of you with unremorseful WS's keep on detaching and taking steps to take control of your life again. Don't be afraid to take control of your life. Put a plan in place as best you can and follow it even if you aren't sure where it will take you when you start. The main point is if your WS is unremorseful any direction that is away from them is the right direction to go. You can figure the rest out on the way. Try to stay positive even when you are having a bad day. Your kids follow your lead which is why I am determined to show my kids that endings also mean new beginnings. It may take a while to sink in but they WILL have at least one parent that has it together.

You control your own healing and your future so your frame of mind really does have a huge impact on your happiness. No matter your situation figure out what YOU want and go get it. I wish everyone the best in their situations and thanks for being here when I vent about something stupid STBX does in the near future.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:20 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TrustGone, I am so sorry to hear you are so sick. I wish you the best as your doctors try to heal you.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years: Thank you for sharing. When we share what we are going through, it does help others more than you think. Your advice about keep going ahead is wonderful.

Keep posting and venting. It will still be tough going even though it will be peaceful once she is out. Be prepared for a bit of rollercoaster emotions and that will be normal.

Remember any change, even if it's for the postive will be stressful. Keep posting.

Thank you for the advice. I will keep it in mind as I'm going to have to go down that road too.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((TRUST)))) OMG I am so sorry!!! Absolutely post even if it's about this and not necessarily about the A. I don't see any of these wonderful people complaining, do you? :)

((Jack)) and ((UKGirl)) - I have no advice for you at the moment. Just cyber hugs.

7yrs - Happy Moving Day! You sound so healthy! I hope your date goes well.

As for me, I was right about the party. I told him that I was done - I wanted a separation. That he could go to party and tell OW it was my birthday present to her. It was the earliest he'd come home in months, telling me he'd ended it with her and came home to me, even though he felt I was controlling him by not wanting him to go to that party.

Once again, I find myself in the position of being told that he has ended it with her. She 'supposedly' told him to tell her goodbye because she was pissed he chose not to go once I found out, but couldn't bring herself to end it. Once again, there is a huge ‘supposedly’ in front of that sentence, because there is no proof. Quite frankly, I don’t believe it. I could ask him for a no contact letter, but I am certain it will go the same way every other time did, with a fight and a refusal. And oddly, I find myself not caring enough to bother asking.

He is still fixating his anger on the fact that we left for a week two years ago when he asked me not to. He is still fixating his anger on me not wanting his parents living with us indefinitely. He somehow still believes he stands on the moral high ground. He feels justified.

He refuses to answer any questions about the affair, including whether or not he’s slept with her again since I found out. I’ve already been tested for STDs once, now I worry he’s once again exposed himself to potential diseases. He told me after D-Day #2 that even though he had broken the no contact agreement, that knowing how he’d hurt me, he could never physically cheat on me again. Just another lie.

He bragged on Friday that if he’d wanted to see her on her birthday, he could have, and I’d have never known. He said it full of certainty and bravado. Because he has, I'm sure.

He tells me that he loves me, but doesn’t feel the same way he used to anymore. That he might never feel that way again. He tells me that intimacy and affection is not something he is capable of right now. But he is here because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, he chose me and he chose his family.

He admits he didn’t care he was hurting me – wasn’t even thinking about me. He said he was only thinking about himself and her. He doesn’t really understand the depth of trauma he’s put me through – even though the evidence was right in front of him. Worse, if he actually opened his eyes and saw what they were doing to me – he didn’t care. She gave him a hickey to intentionally hurt me in the cruelest way possible. She wanted me to see it. She was sending me a message. Maybe even hoping I would leave him when I saw it. And even in the face of such malice, he didn’t end it with her. Just told me one more lame lie, and thought I was fool enough to believe it.

He offers me no romantic love, no intimacy, no honesty, no apology, no remorse. He tells me if I am expecting him to “kiss my feet and apologize, that it’s never going to happen.” He is not looking at himself and what is broken in him that allows him to keep doing this to me. Do I really hold such little value to him? Does he really think I should accept so little? It would seem so. He wants me to back down from asking for a separation, based solely on the fact that he ‘supposedly’ ended it with her. Nothing has changed.

Except everything has.

For the first time, I don’t want to be intimate with him. For the first time, the thought of staying in this marriage terrifies me more than the thought of leaving it. For the first time, I listened to what he had to offer and instead of grasping for those crumbs, I numbly thought to myself – not good enough.

I expect that if he actually ended it, it won’t be long until he’s right back at her door. I give it a week, maybe two. And I don’t know that I really care. Isn’t that amazing – in an incredibly sad way? All those months I have fought to keep my marriage together, beyond all logic and through unbearable torture, and now, when he claims he’s once again ended it with her and chose me, part of me doesn't care? I don’t want it? No, not like this. Not when he offers me so very little. Not when I know that a fresh batch of misery is waiting right around the bend for me if I stay. Agony and anguish that I just don’t know if I can survive. I used to think he’d broken my heart and soul into so many pieces they’d turned to dust. What does dust turn into when it’s broken?

I looked at a house to rent. I could afford the monthly payments with what I anticipate my SS and CS would be (plus the money from my new PT job!), but I don't have the $7k it would take to get in the door (security deposit, first month's rent and broker's fee). So I am back to hoping for the best and planning for the worst. DD is upset - she just wants SETTLED, either together or apart - she hates being in limbo. And it's the one thing I can't give her right now.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 7:55 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again guys for all your prayers and well wishes. They really help!!!

7yrs...I am glad she is finally making her exit and it sounds like you are in a good state of mind. It will get worse before it gets better, but in the end you will survive it and hopefully go on to find much happiness in the future with a woman that can really give you her heart and soul. I remember well the feeling of finally feeling free after I filed for D from XWH#1 and kick him to the curb.

(((DeceminatedHeart)))...It sounds like he is just throwing you crumbs and thinking that is enough to keep the marriage going and him cake eating. Why is he even still in contact with the OW?? How many times does he think you will stick around after he "ends it" yet again?? FTG!!!! You are better off without him. He sounds like a real piece of work to me.

I would never stay with a man who told me he loves me and then adds the but not like he used to. You deserve someone who just loves you period. My WH#2 may not be as remorseful as I would like him to be, but he knows that he had better not say that to me or his ass will be on the curb and he can go find some skank to give his version of love to.

Are you doing the 180?? If not then you need to start. I have trouble myself doing it, but when I do, believe me he does notice. The more I do it the easier it gets and the less I care what he does. It does give you a sense of control over yourself and your situation.

Your WH sounds like he is very broken and doesn't care. You are going to have to put those "bitch boots" on and give him a swift kick to get his head out of his ass. Continue to detach from him and hang in there!! (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to think he’d broken my heart and soul into so many pieces they’d turned to dust. What does dust turn into when it’s broken?
I know I sound like a broken record but what I am saying is true. I know this sucks but you are doing very well DH! You are getting stronger each day! One step and one day at a time.

Our hearts and souls are broken but they don't turn to dust. It's like having a broken bone. During the initial event that cuases the break you often don't even feel the pain, sort of like shock afer DDay, but very quickly the pain becomes unbearable as you realize that there is this broken bone protruding from your flesh. The MD puts it in cast and it doesn't work at all for a very long time. You wonder if it will ever be the same again or if it does heal will it work right again. It heals over time and the pain goes from unbearable to hurts a lot to aching every now. Eventually the cast comes off and you see your new healed leg. It's still the same old leg but slightly different now. It's likely discolored a bit and looks a little pale and pitiful. It's still there though. The break has healed over but it's pretty weak and not very reliable. You aren't very sure when you try to use it again and are even afraid to put some weight on it. You fear that it will shatter all over again. So you use crutches or cane for a bit and eventually it gains some strenght back but it still isn't like it was. You start therapy and it gets a little stronger each day. Still not the same but stronger none the less. you may even have soem setbacks in therapy from trying to do too much to fast but you bounce back from that as well. You can't run yet but you walk with a limp for while. You still have pain every now and then as you remember the break and the pain you went through while it was healing. So you start walking again and slowly the limp goes away and you can start jogging. At some point far removed from the day you broke your leg it's healed and if you stuck to the therapy it's back to normal and likely even stronger than it was before. You still remeber when you broke it but you look back now and realize how much work and effort you put in to get back on your feet again. It sucked horribly getting to this point but you survived it. does that mean you wont' ever break yrou leg again of course not but the work you did in therapy and the progress you made show you that you can heal and bounce back so you can go out again and start running again.

That broken leg didn't kill you, it didn't sideline you forever, it just put your life on pause for a second and eventually things worked themselves out.

I look at what happened to my heart and soul with this entire A mess just like healing from a major trauma. You come out different but you do come out of it. Some come out better than before, some come out the same, and some come out a little worse off but they make it through to the other side.

I remember the phase you are describing with your WH. For me it revolved around repeated discussions with my STBX that went nowhere. I knew what we each were going to say and the conversations ended exactly the same way each time. I actively chose not to have those conversations anymore because I just ended up upset afterwards. So I chose to ignore her and not have those conversations. If she tried to start it I cut her off or went to another room. If she followed I repeated that I didn't want to talk and bascially ignored her. She could talk a hole in my head if she chose but I was not going to respond. They can claim and say whatever they want but if the actions are still to the contrary the only option you have left is to take care of yourself. Keep focusing on you and your DD. It's still a tough road ahead but it gets easier as you keep detaching. He will keep cycling through his manipulation tactics and expect the blameshifting and overall stupidity to increase as he sees that he is losing control. Don't be surprised if Super Husband/Dad makes an appearance again for a bit. It's all part of the show and not true remorse at all. Just stay strong,keep ignoring him and taking care of yourself and your DD.

Your heart and soul are already healing. It's just in a protective cast right now. it still hurts but as you detach your WH's actions keep bouncing off that cast. At some point you will be able to take it off and see that your heart and soul are VERY MUCH OKAY!!! Keeping going, keep moving forward, keep planning, keep focusing on you and spending time with your DD. As is often said around here your good is coming!


Sorry for the long post. Make sure you go do something fun and relaxing for you and DD this weekend.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,

I won't say sorry as you are finally feeling free to pursue the path you want to peace, and that is a good thing. I will not say congratulations either, as that does not seem appropriate either. So I will tell you I am happy that you are feeling empowered to take your next steps. I suspect it can be lonely with your DS's all graduated and out, your mom gone, and now leaving FWH.

It is a shame that Mr. UK was never able to do more than stop having the A. I think that if the WS realizes what they are loosing and want to stay M, they project on to us that we must want the same thing. They do not realize that there is no going back to it, and that we need to see that we are desired, and that we will be reasonably safe.

DH:

But he is here because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, he chose me and he chose his family.

No, he is there because it is what he wants. He is choosing himself. If he did not want to hurt you further, he would not be bragging how he could be with OW.

For the first time, I don’t want to be intimate with him. For the first time, the thought of staying in this marriage terrifies me more than the thought of leaving it. For the first time, I listened to what he had to offer and instead of grasping for those crumbs, I numbly thought to myself – not good enough.

Good for you.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKG, DH))) - what ats and 7yrs said. onward and upward with being empowered


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7 years that analogy was great...so i say ditto...

((heart)): formulate a plan now, i believe you have made your decision and the only thing stopping you is money...so formulate a plan to attain your new goal......

((ukgirl)).....its been such a long time comin.....know that you have done all you could to save your marriage and the only thing you would not do, should not do is settle...and that is pretty much what you had resigned yourself to...settling because he was unable to do what you needed....

you know its funny(ironic)....pfm has done alot of what i asked, he continues to go to therapy every week, had given me all the passwords to everything....the only thing he couldn't do was to stop lying....oh, and making new friends
.....

i need some si mojo....i have an interview set up on tuesday for a job....this prospect would mean more money and benefits...so send that mojo.....one more step...

makes me think about that song, put one step in front of the other, and soon you'll be walkin out the door!!!.


(((trust))) keep postin hon and keep livin, concentrate on your health and doing what you need doing to move forward on all fronts...medically and emotionally


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending major mojo your way IWAM! Good luck on the interview!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1583 | Registered: May 2011
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