I have been dwelling on all that I have lost and am losing
I have fallen into that trap H&C.. It is up to YOU to decide you are not going to feel this way. You decide and nobody else.
You must dream brother. Close your eyes and dream… Your good is coming.
Please let me describe what you are about to face.. It will happen only if you do it and nobody else…
You decide what you want to watch on TV.. you get to experience your kids and enjoy them on what YOUR own terms.. It will be most enjoyable.
A beautiful woman was at the grocery and I did not have my ring on nor did she. I noticed her looking at the vitamins. I made a comment, “you look like a very healthy conscience person and the results show. I admire you.” I then happened to be checking out behind her. She turned to me and gave me a huge smile. “Have a great day”. Guess what? I think I made her day. Imagine me single.. You are going to have some very great adrenaline rushes soon. None like you’ve had in years. They are most powerful. Be careful, a man who knows all the attractions I have describe to you in the past year will come across women who will want to sex you to connect you. Take it slow.. get to know her first. Do not fall for the trap. Absorb all the good and fear not making a good selection.
You can choose to be lonely.. or pick up a new hobby. You are GOING to make the choice to do something new.. In any hobby, great satisfaction will come when you achieve what you will achieve. The obstacles you once had are now gone. Great satisfaction in your new exciting life are coming!
Do you really need all what you have? The opportunity to grow your wealth is coming. Do it. The security of having extra cash in the bank is a great feeling. If you already have it.. grow it.
Your employer is going to love you more now. You have the opportunity to give more time to them DO IT. If you do, it will be recognized and good will come. The feelings of earned rewards are so great.
Now say this…This is and always will be YOU.
I am very attractive. I am because I make the choice to be this man. I lead negativity to positive and I eliminate those from my life who choose negativity. I am a man of strength and courage. I am a man who only will allow those who want to join me in my own happy life. I will teach my children to also have the same values as me.. That of, I take personal responsibility for all that happens to me. I give to others.. that will be my main focus. I give to others know that life will treat me fair and positive.. if something bad happens.. I am a man of power and strength and can and will handle it most effectively, the right way to the best of my ability. I will be victorious. I will be at great peace because that is the man I am.
No woman defines my happiness. I define it.
H&C - tryn is right, your good is coming, hang in there.
The facts are that I have lost a lot because of the LTA and D. My life will be different, maybe better, the same, or worse. I did my best to enjoy life during my M and will continue to do so post D. Outcomes are not guaranteed. (I think Jack can understand the analogy of safety programs at construction sites).
I will not try and suppress the sorrow over my loss much as you had advised that I would not be able to continuously suppress the LTA. Grief comes and goes and right now it is with me.
I am not working today (yard work, yes) so I got to see DD and DS off to school which was a real treat for me. My sister and BIL are coming to town and this will provide a much needed break from the routine.
And college football season kicks off this weekend (with only a half game suspension ).
Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!
I haven't posted much lately and I am sorry for that. I have been reading almost everyday, but didn't have anything positive to add on attractiveness, because quite frankly I didn't feel very attractive at he moment.
I finally lost it with WH#2 the other night. I could no longer keep it to myself. Everything that he has done to me and our marriage had to finally come out. I could no longer be the passive person I have been since DDay. I no longer wanted to hear his lame excuse for his LTA, lack of sex. Like I told him we had sex, alot of the time when I didn't even want to. I was sick and that wasn't an excuse it was a fact by the number of times I was hospitalized over the last few years. Yet he took it to mean that I didn't want him. Seriously!!??
He of course packed a bag and left. I told him don't let the door hit you in the ass as you leave. He wasn't gone long before he came back. I was on the phone with my Aunt (also a LTA BS) when he came back in and he accused me of having an affair. Really?? I told him I had nothing to hide and don't gaslight me. Of couse he didn't even know what I meant. I told him his alcoholism and his depression over his future job loss would only lead to another A and I wasn't going to sit around and stand to be put through that again.
All he can say is he's been trying so hard to the last few months (whatever that meant). I ask him why would he just now try and that I could not see a difference in his behavior now compared to a few months ago or even a year ago. Yes he is transparent, as far as I know. Yes he has been sweet to me, so what, he always was. It just doesn't matter. Like I told him I didn't need a room mate with benefits, I need a husband that I can trust. One that wants to figure out why he did what he did, not just blame it on me and continue to rug sweep the A and his real reasons for doing it. I told him 3 sessions at IC was not going to give him the answer. He needs to dig deeper and quit the rug sweeping and gas lighting.
I guess I am just tired of having a shallow marriage. His alcholism, depression, porn watching, all of it,
has gotten to be too much. I am also stressed and he is not helping me. My kids hate me because I married him and sometimes I can't blame them. He ruined my career, my trust, and ultimately my health with his actions.
Sorry, I have not given everyone the support that they also need, but I am just sick and tired of my life now and how I have let him bring me down.
Make the choice today. My grief will begin to end... today. It is a choice to make first.. after that you start doing it.. behaving it.. it then become a truth.
now.. go be a that man with no legs.
Look.. A man lost his legs in war.. his wife carried him on her back.
Guess what? This woman found him after, NOT BEFORE those legs were lost.. That inner beauty! That is why people love this photo..
Get ready brother.. You are going to lose more in your future. What defines you is how YOU react.
I am telling you.. The most powerful good feelings are in front of you.
Will you do something? I want you to do something.
Go sign up on Match dot com.
Make your profile something like this..
Hey all you fine quality woman out there.. I am seeking a woman right now I can only be friends. Don’t expect me to want you for a warm place to put it.. because this is not me. And you are not going to get that from me. I am in the process of beginning my new life and the old one is not finalized just yet… so my values are strong. I am not looking back.
If you are brave enough, confident enough, to want to spend some quality time just being friends, here is your chance to enjoy a man who just wants to meet some interesting new woman for coffee.. lunch.. dinner or a movie.
If you are separated, great.. if single, great, it does not matter to me. Just a woman to talk interesting things, not the past.
Then just not expect a darn thing other than a few bucks gone. Not many women on that site looking for just friends but what they are looking for is a man they can befriend without the threat of sex first.
What I am telling is to find a platonic woman to start spending some good quality time. It is not going to happen until you make it happen. Go practice giving love of quality time, words of affirmation, love of gifts an services on a woman. WARNING: And you will fail once this woman comes on strong to you wanting your sex. DON”T DO IT.. Once you cross that line a whole bunch of other complications will happen.
Can you do this?
[This message edited by trynhard at 11:27 AM, August 30th (Friday)]
Is change difficult? Yes it is. The question is...is he man enough to do the hard work? does he want to save the marriage? then nothing but 100% will do.
He still wants to hold on to his bad habits but you deserve better and you deserve so much more.
You are right to demand that he stop drinking and get sober and to demand that he stops looking at porn, using porn as an escape etc. and that he addresses his mental health issues by getting help and continuing going to counseling.
Your demands are justified and not unreasonable.
It is such a shame that he does not realize what a happy, healthy life the two of you could have if he addressed his toxic thinking.
As for your children being angry with you for marrying him....well, you cannot beat yourself up for the decisions you made in the past.
All of us made the best decisions we could at the time based on the knowledge we had then.
None of us set out to marry spouses that would hurt and betray us.
We went in thinking that this would be a good choice.
But, life happens, people change or don't change.
People disappoint us and betray us.
But, we know better now. And we will not allow people to hurt us any longer.
I guess I am just tired of having a shallow marriage.
Good for you.
Sometimes, we just cannot control the feeling we have. It is OK. It is part of any betrayal. It takes a long time.
These times when we explode are not necessary bad. They are forms of communication.
One thing I know about all of us LTA folks.. We for a long time did not have what it took to stop people tromping on us. We accepted things that we should not have accepted. We feared too.
If you work on you.. Find it inside you to have the courage and strength to never again allow anything but the best possible relationship.. And that was your cry.. and that is ok. Learn how to say it and do in the most calm way..
Your man must fix himself. You cannot do it. Sometimes they have no idea how to fix themselves. Most men don’t study how to be quality. That rose gift is what they think is quality. Oh but he is only a grasshopper… He would need a mentor.. not so easy to get one.
Shut him down I say.. Let him figure out behaviors that open you up.
I could go on and on.. page after page.. but must love my job right now.
Peace be with you..
Tryin- I saw that photo as well as read the story of this remarkable young couple!
It is so inspiring and heartwarming.
And stories like this often put things in perspective for me and make me realize how much I do have to be grateful for.
I agree with you that h&c is a quality man and deserves a wife that appreciates him.
I also agree that he will find someone that!
But, I think that it's too early for him to put himself out there.
He is still processing his grief and loss.
After the divorce is final may be a better time to jump into the dating pool.
I totally understand the urge to do this right away ! I needed that kind of validation after d-day and I went on a dating web site.
(Remember we were separated at the time and I thought heading for divorce).
I actually did meet a very nice man for coffee but realized very quickly that I was not ready to date.
I was still reeling from the shock of d-day and was on that emotional roller coaster ride.
I actually did meet a very nice man for coffee but realized very quickly that I was not ready to date.
NO SEX! I could give you the pitfalls.. just take my word for now.
I like the match idea myself. H&C seems like a guy with strong boundaries and values, and even in the face of a threat as it were, will keep those in place.
At a very debbie downer moment many months ago, I looked on match.com to see 'who was out there'. Pretty amazing actually. And I think more opportunity there if you are a man ultimately offering a real relationship. It helped me address fear issues and refocus on what I had and wanted vs. settling out of fear of not finding a 'quality' woman in a new phase of life.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 7:23 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]
Since dday, I got a great promotion at work and have been very involved in getting the kids set for the start of school. The only contact with my husband is financial, or kids related.
On the outside we are in a holding pattern. On the inside, I am experiencing lots of aha moments, putting the pieces together on missed holidays and birthdays due to work, secretive phone calls with his "buddies" during Christmas (while we had guests upstairs). Thinking about his rude comments and general moodiness in the last couple years his periodic bursts of angry outbursts for no reason which left me and the kids in tears and me trying to fix things. The number of times in the last few years he asked to sleep separately because of his bad back, and me like a moron, moving into the guest bed so he could be more comfortable, now I am thinking it was his way of creating a physical separation between us during the height of his affair.
I think about how much he has ignored our kids during that time. To the degree that they don't ask to talk with him while he is away. Not once has he helped with homework, met the teachers, attended a sporting event. In short he has excused himself from our lives the last three years and aside from throwing money our way (which is nice), is no longer a part of our lives by his choice. That said this shell of a marriage is, he says, important to him. But not enough to do anything meaningful to try and win his wife and family back.
I think it's safe to say I have emerged from the fog and now that I am able to see clearly enough to put 2and2 together I am not liking who I see when I look at the man I married.
My parents who are very wise and who love me and my children very much have urged patience much like the people on this board have, they have urged that I not make any sudden decisions, although I know they will support me wholly no matter where we end up.
So that is me today, no longer ignorant, crabby with my spouse, disappointed that a man with many good qualities has opted to make such a series of selfish choices and seems to be in absolute denial of the impact of himself and his girlfriend on his marriage and family. I have a lot to be grateful for. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, just not sure if my husband will be lucky enough to board that train to my future with me.
I have been ignorant for years, but he knows none of what I am thinking or the contingencies I am considering. I guess that makes him the ignorant one now. Sad.
Those aha moments will continue for quite some time. My ww answered a lot of questions and I still have aha moments such as realizing that when I was looking for a home overseas, on the phone describing the places, she was in the midst of her A. I was focused on getting the right place for her and the kids and she was focused on her AP.
My hindsight: when my ww was not totally committed to the M four months after DDay, busting her but to do anything and everything to restore the M, I should have sent her packing and filed for D. My lesson and not necessarrily anyone else's.
Walking.. I hope that you and your kids get through the holiday together. And CONGRATULATIONS on your promotionn!!!!
But,implementing the 180 is a good idea.
Letting him know in no uncertain terms that his behavior is NOT acceptable and will not be tolerated any longer.
That he must go NC with the OW and be 100% transparent in everything if there is any chance of your marriage recovering from this huge betrayal.
I kicked my husband out of the house after d-day and we were separated for 6 months but during that time he still made sure that I had access to all of his phone records, passwords, credit card bills etc.
He emailed me all the time letting me know what he was doing where he was living etc.
And..slowly during this time as I saw real change in him...I began to warm up to the idea of reconciling.
My knee jerk reaction was to divorce him-but his actions proved to me that he was willing to make a lot of changes to become the husband he should have been all along.
Like your husband...mine was very distant, detached, depressed, and angry during the LTA years (his behavior before the LTA started was also far from exemplary).On top of all of that he was drinking on a daily basis.
D-day was a huge wake call for him. Perhaps that will happen for your husband too.
It sounds as if his OW helped to bring reality crashing down on him mighty fast!
And as for your anger...that is totally understandable.
You are now on the emotional roller coaster ride.
Very similar to the Kubler-Ross' stages of grief you will cycle through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Some WS get stuck in one stage longer than the others- mine was depression and grief.
But, I did initially react with anger too.
Congrats on your promotion.
Focus on taking care of yourself and your children for now.
Going to work was what helped me keep things together after d-day. I would cry in the car on the way to work and then on the drive home. And I would fall apart again at home while I was alone. But, work gave me a reason to get up every day.
Take it one day at a time.
you are still so new...def no decisions, your emotions are way to raw....and the amount of info that you have had to digest is overwhelming as it was for all of us....and those aha moments seem to be neverending...
you sound amazingly sound and strong which is really good...
keep taking care of yourself and your kids, take each day as it comes....
small miracle update: i need to buy stock in hair dye, scrawny boy got into an car accident last week....pfm was actually with manchild picking up his fixed car from his car accident....thank god no one hurt in this accident either and the woman he hit was wonderful and the damage minor....i really need to get me some stock though in hair dye....i think this makes the 4th accident in a year....between the 2 boys....manchild in the lead with 3 to scrawny boys 1!!!!
NJgal... Did you say is that H&C's W had decided to D and nothing she is doing is for the good of the M?
It will do a lot for you H&C.. I hope you move forward and not stay in the past.