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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle, I am so glad that you got a new job and I hope it turns out to be the best job ever!!!!

Well today is the day that I finally get to see the hepatologist and see how long this liver will hold out before I need a new one. I am really scared and WH#2 was suppose to go with me. Now however with his job situation he says he wants to save all his time off he can, so I will be going by myself. As usual it's all about him!!! Of course he said he would go if I really needed him to. No fucker!!! I don't need you there!!! You will just sit in a corner and never say anything anyway, so what do I need you for!!! You have never been there for me, so why would I need you now!!! OK, sorry...Not a vent...just what went through my mind when he said he really needed to go to work.

They said the appointment will take 2-3hrs, so I am not sure what all they plan on doing for that long. Hopefully, I'm not sitting in a waiting room most of that time twiddling my thumbs and freaking out. I started to ask one of my friends to go with me, but I hated to make someone sit there all that time. It's times like this that I miss my family.

I am going to tell WH#2 as little as I can get by with. I guess if he really cared or wanted to know he would be there with me. FTG


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have 0 time

((((Trust))))

Ask someone..do not do this alone if u don't have too!!!

We will all be there with you in spirit honey and good luck ..I hope he gives you good news about your time

Gotta go


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust: We are with you in heart and spirit.

Don't hesitate to ask a friend to go with you. They will say no if they cannot go. Wouldn't you wish a friend who was going through this to ask you?

You need all the support you can get right now. Even if you think WH will help in any way, tell him so.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and please let us know ASAP what the news is.

Miracle: Congratulations! I hope this job is wonderful!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust- I will be keeping you in my prayers today.
I hope you do find someone to go with you to offer support.
But, if not...know that our little family here on SI is thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Please let us know how everything goes.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle- so happy that you got the job!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h&c-
IMHO you deserve more than a wife that is 'neutral' about staying married.
You deserve a wife that is all in.
Someone that is willing to do everything in her power to try to save your marriage and rekindle the love that was once there....
I know you are a good man and do not want to break up your family but it makes me sad that your WW does not show the remorse over the LTA that she should and does not show the enthusiasm for your marriage that she should......
but, that's me...


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle... congratulations!

Trust.. take care.

njgal... thanks for the note. You are correct and I will not stay with a WW in neutral forever. And she says that she does not intend to either. Either she goes for D or goes all in for R and the M.

She cancelled her IC appointment this week. She even noticed that her IC was trying to influence her to D. We could have good days together, fun, and then her IC appointment and things would become "hostile" again. So at least we may get an honest chance to see if R is ossible.

Either way, I am getting better every day.

Be safe. Be happy. Be healthy. Live with ease.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and prayers. I think it really helped. The hepatologist says that at this point I am doing OK and do not need a transplant. She will be keeping an eye on my labs and condition for any changes.

I loved her analogy of my liver. She said it was like an old car. It looks like hell, it spits and sputters and occasionally has an oil leak or a bad hose, but it gets me there and back. When the car gets to a point that it just won't run anymore only then will I get a new car. She said they no longer put people on the transplant list until they get to a certain point on their scale and I am not there yet. She said they used to, but people stayed on it for years and it was very costly to keep them there because you had to have constant tests run and it was very expensive. She said of course if I got drastically worse she would move me to the top of the list if neccessary, but now I am in sort of a holding pattern. Sort of sounds like the rest of my life. Anyway thanks again so much for listening.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust, I am glad you got some good news at the Doctor. Keep taking care of yourself and stay positive!!!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in sort of a holding pattern. Sort of sounds like the rest of my life.

Some things you can change, some things like your liver you cannot. At least not for the better. So focus on what you can change. What does your WS bring to your relationship? Do his positives out-weigh his negatives for you?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey HopeandChange,

glad you are back. My initial reaction was to agree with NJGal. You deserve the 'good stuff' like she said...but that at the same time presumes that we know what you want.

I want to avoid giving different advice or opinions to people in similar circumstances.

When honest was talking about her sitch and her financial concerns, I noted that there was no dishonor in staying in within a marriage 'arrangement' as long as she was authentic about it and that is was something she chose for herself. Under such a deal, she would play the role of 'wife' socially, but at home have her own space, he own interests, her own relationships (M&F), and her own life. Nothing wrong with that as long as it is a free choice and one does not trap themselves in the false hope for something more or different.

So I would say to you H&C, I can sense that you feel a lot of pressure to end the M. But what if you are comfortable in the status quo? In the 'neutral' gear position? I say nothing wrong with YOU CHOOSING that, but please do not hurt yourself by living in hope-a-hope-a-land wishing for what NJGal describes. False expectations are a bitch.

As far as your wife's IC goes, glad to hear about a potential change. I posted in the ICR-BM thread that my wife's IC egged on the initial 1 year EA with all kinds of rationalizations. ('good to have a friend', 'being so far away, kinda like a pen pal', 'good to try out taking risks with your friend to give you confidence in your marriage', etc. ) She was projecting onto my WW her own narrative. See, my WW's IC left her first husband for a new relationship based on ponies and rainbows. I hope she gets a new IC - maybe on committed to marriage.

Trust,

great to see your post-


happy Wednesday everyone!


--Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:06 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some things you can change, some things like your liver you cannot. At least not for the better. So focus on what you can change. What does your WS bring to your relationship? Do his positives out-weigh his negatives for you?

Yes. I have been thinking about this alot lately. The Serenity Prayer comes to mind when I look at the big picture. I can not make him change if he doesn't have the desire to change. I can only change myself and make myself happy. Somedays the positives outweigh the negatives and somedays they don't as far as WH#2 is concerned. If he could be a jerk most of the time like XWH#1 it would make detaching and 180 so much easier, but he is usually not a jerk, just a really selfish person. He drowns himself in alcohol to avoid his problems, but in reality it only causes him more. I have told him this, but I can't make him stop drinking, no more than I can stop him from lying and cheating if that's what he chooses to do. I can only control how I let it affect me and I am working on that.

My first priority was to get my health issues taken care of to the best of my abilities and I have done that. Now it will be to get myself back in the working world and back on track finacially. I can not depend on WH#2 to help me finacially, so there again that is up to me to do. I have seen that we are more like roommates on finances than husband and wife. That was fine as long as we were both employed and making good money, but when I got sick and couldn't work I thought that would change. It didn't and I will keep that in mind when I am again making good money and he is an unemployed middle age man with no education, which is what he will be in a couple of months. He did not want to help me finacially during my illness, which in part was made worse by the discovery of his LTA and then his false R.

The shoe will soon be on the other foot (fincially) and he will see where that got him. He can also dip into his 401K, savings, and checking to make his monthly payments as I did mine over the last two years. It will continue to be 50/50 on shared bills and 100% on his own bills he has made. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it is what I like to say now days. I am sorry if that sounds somewhat vendictive on my part, but that's just the way I see it now.

His actions on some things and his inactions on others have shown me what type person I am dealing with. I know what I need to do to improve my own life and situation and thats where I will be focusing my efforts on.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trust: YAY...i am so glad you got good news....and i too loved the analogy....

as for your ws being a jerk...i don't get it...you said he is not a jerk most of the time..but is selfish....well isn't being selfish being a stupid jerk...especially on the areas he IS selfish....so from your desription...drinking, bills, not going with you, etc....he seems like a jerk most of the time, and especially when it really counts....

who cares how good he "can" be only when things are "normal"or "lite and easy".....how often are things "normal or lite and easy"...and these are my quotes, not yours....and they are my quotes based on my perceptions....which i hope for your sake are wrong...

h&c:.....i think that this "honest chance" for "r", is more of a prove yourself time for your ws....she will either hang herself or pull herself out of this hole she has dug for herself....

and i will say it again....you giving it your all will give you peace later if it does not work....you will not have regrets, although if she's the one pulling the trigger, there is nothing for you to regret either...you can only control or regret what you do or do not do, not others....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle,
Congratulations on the new gig! More steps toward your peaceful new life... yay!
XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWAM...I know what you are saying and I and I do agree that his selfishness is jerkified (is that a word?). I guess what I was saying was he doesn't really do it consiously like XWH#1 did. When he does selfish things he really has no clue of how selfish he is being. I guess what I meant to say is he is a different kind of jerk than XWH#1.

For instance..With him not going with me to the hepatologist he knew I got upset. Then last night he acknowledged he knew I got upset with him but he needed to save his time off because he needed to get HIS health in order too. He has not even been sick with a cold since I have known him and I am not kidding. He must have the immune system of the century. He does have health issues as far as high BP, high colestrol, and sleep apnea. He has now decided that everything has to be taken care of. He went to his regular doctor for his meds yesterday and to find out what his labs were way back in Feburary. He said he also needs to go get a colonoscopy,some kind of sleep apnea treatment, the dentist, the eye doctor, etc.. before he loses his job. In a way I agree that he needs to do all these things and I have been on him to do them for a long time, but why has he procrastinated until now when I needed him to do something for me. Then it makes me feel selfish for asking him in the first place to go with me. Then it pisses me off when I think about how selfish he is to not go with me because it is a major health issue and affects the rest of my life. There would be no way I would let HIM go to something like that by himself.

It is funny because I never let his selfishness bother me very much before the A. I knew he was selfish at times, but now it really stands out as to how selfish he really is.

Looking back with my new and improved hidesight it now erks the hell out of me that I overlooked it for so long. Hense why I was blindsided by his LTA. It was purely a selfish act on his part. He did not love the OW, but just used her for sex and made her believe he was in love with her.She was easy and willing, so he went for it. The only person he truely loves is himself and I am becoming more aware of that on a daily basis and I am detaching myself because of it. (((TRIBE)))

[This message edited by TrustGone at 7:38 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...but he is usually not a jerk, just a really selfish person.

What iwam said, really. It is the easiest thing in the world to be a helpful, supportive and social partner when life is all grilled steaks and cold beers.

Watch out that he does not "play fair" into the future. You were left to pay your medical bills, and you had a huge incentive to pay them. He may feel less motivated to pay his share of mortgage, insurance, repairs, etc. hoping that you will pick up the slack. After all, he is an occasional jerk who is selfish and turns to alcohol and OP to avoid facing his problems. Once the scales fall from our eyes after dday, it is hard to go back to seeing them as we thought they were, isn't it?

iwam, I missed the job announcement. Knew you were looking, but missed that you got an out of the blue offer. Good for you and I hope that come September you decide it is better than you hoped for.

H&C,

In your profile you start out with the statement:

I was in deep pain, depressed, and I did not get what I needed from my W to heal.

I think that you did get what you needed to heal; I see it in your posts. I also believe that what you needed to heal was never in your WW. (… geesh, this is starting to sound like the ruby slippers speech) You healed yourself, and now you are moving towards happiness regardless of the path you ultimately walk. Your happiness is from within you, and no person can take it away anymore than they could genuinely restore it for you.

For a long time I looked and posted that things would be better if FWW would just do this or admit that. I put my recovery into her hands. I also mistook healing the M for healing me, two entirely different things. I am happy to note that you clearly understand the difference.

I think it can take a long time for a WW to figure out where they want to be, where they are, and how to make the change after a LTA. In my sich it took a year until FWW decided she wanted to be in the M and own her crap. It took more than another year for her to do enough work on herself that we could begin to talk about the M in a meaningful way, and then more than a year for her to address the M issues I was looking for in addition to continuing the work on her personal issues. When I would talk D she would agree, not because that is what she wanted too, but because she felt she had forfeited the right to contest my desire to end the M.

broken,

I have not gone through the same things as you and the same betrayals, but I do mourn the M I thought I would have, thought I did have, and yet will never have. I will never raise children in a house where my W and I support each other and work together for the benefit of our children. I will never be able to look back on my pre-dday M and bask in the love and comfort that my W felt for and from me at that time. All the missed opportunities for family activities, personal growth, and professional growth during that time are irretrievably gone. There are fractures in our extended family that formed from her issues that may never heal completely.

I cannot hope for a different or better last 20 years to my life and neither can you. All I can do is ensure I am getting the best next 20 years that I can. Part of getting the best next 20 is allowing me to mourn, but not dwell on what was or was not. I have been sad and angry looking back. I feel cheated, and that it was not fair. But it is what it was, and I accepted it. I am now working to be a “second half team” in my life.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust... you sound really, really good! The medical news and your perspective on WH2 and his actions.


Nothing wrong with that as long as it is a free choice and one does not trap themselves in the false hope for something more or different.

Yes, it is a concious choice on my part. And I choose to stay in the hope that it, the M, will be something different, something better. That may or may not occur so it is just hope, nothing more.


So I would say to you H&C, I can sense that you feel a lot of pressure to end the M.

No pressure to end the M just not willing to stay in a M that is not a M in all aspects.

But what if you are comfortable in the status quo?

No, I am not comfortable in the status quo. Either my WW will choose to rejoin the M fully or we will D. A life alone with potential is vastly better than a life in a M with none. I am willing to give my WW some time to decide to, or not to, rejoin the M 100%

In the 'neutral' gear position? I say nothing wrong with YOU CHOOSING that, but please do not hurt yourself by living in hope-a-hope-a-land wishing for what NJGal describes. False expectations are a bitch.

If my WW does choose to commit to the M, there will be expectations and I will make sure both of us understand them because as you say, false expectations are a real bitch!

As far as your wife's IC goes, glad to hear about a potential change. I posted in the ICR-BM thread that my wife's IC egged on the initial 1 year EA with all kinds of rationalizations. ('good to have a friend', 'being so far away, kinda like a pen pal', 'good to try out taking risks with your friend to give you confidence in your marriage', etc. ) She was projecting onto my WW her own narrative. See, my WW's IC left her first husband for a new relationship based on ponies and rainbows. I hope she gets a new IC - maybe on committed to marriage.

:.....i think that this "honest chance" for "r", is more of a prove yourself time for your ws....she will either hang herself or pull herself out of this hole she has dug for herself....

Yes, she will either start her ascent out of this hole she created or I will move on with my life without her. I have given over four years, two during the A and two post DDay, to this mess. I am willing to give more time IF things start and continue to improve.


and i will say it again....you giving it your all will give you peace later if it does not work....you will not have regrets, although if she's the one pulling the trigger, there is nothing for you to regret either...you can only control or regret what you do or do not do, not others....

Peace, yes peace. I have few regrets in my life and the ones I do have are minor ones. Choosing to be patient now in the hopes for the possibility of R is something that I will not regret no matter how it turns out.

I think that you did get what you needed to heal; I see it in your posts. I also believe that what you needed to heal was never in your WW. (… geesh, this is starting to sound like the ruby slippers speech)

There's no place like home.
Healing, not healed. Getting better everyday. And yes, my healing has come from within.

ats... what a great, great post!


I have not gone through the same things as you and the same betrayals, but I do mourn the M I thought I would have, thought I did have, and yet will never have. I will never raise children in a house where my W and I support each other and work together for the benefit of our children. I will never be able to look back on my pre-dday M and bask in the love and comfort that my W felt for and from me at that time. All the missed opportunities for family activities, personal growth, and professional growth during that time are irretrievably gone.

I went through months of EDMR where I mourned every aspect of our twenty years together. Our wedding day, our kids as toddlers, our home, our vacations, the joys, the triumphs, the tragedies we shared. And I mourn the future I thought we would enjoy.

All I can do is ensure I am getting the best next 20 years that I can

Congragulations on your R!

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MCJack-

Just curious why you think that expecting your FWS to be 100% invested in saving the marriage and enthusiastic about being married to you is 'hope-a hope-a land'?

meaning that it is a fantasy expectation?

IMHO that is not an unrealistic expectation.

You read about FWS that feel that way all the time.

Many of the reconciliation stories on SI describe a FWS that 'woke up' after d-day and realized that what they were searching for was right in front of them all along....
And then they enthusiastically
embark on a journey to try to make amends and save their marriage.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust:

It is funny because I never let his selfishness bother me very much before the A.

this stands out to me and probably to all of us....its amazing isn't it, how much crap we were willing to "overlook", "live with", "excuse"...etc....BEFORE we found out who they really were....

it still astounds me how I would make excuses or "see" intentions that were never really there....becaue it was what I "wanted" to believe....we all want to believe...isn't that why fairytales abound, we were raised on those fairytales....we were raised to believe that people are generally "good"...at least that is how I was raised....and its so ironic because I was raised by a woman who had the ultimate betrayal....her husband left her for her sister...and she still raised me to believe in people....all the while telling me to never trust 100%....which I thought I had accomplished...that joke was on me...because I actually did trust 100%....there are times I feel so stupid for doing so and then I realize that really...aren't we supposed to trust our spouses....of course we are....

I am not giving up on love though....I hope to someday meet someone else who WILL treat me the way I deserve!!


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal,

Thanks for pointing out that I wasn't being clear. Hoeahopealand is one of denial and self-deception...in this case where the WS has made it clear that he or she is unwilling or unable to invest 100% in the marriage...yet the BS stays in limbo hoping for something to happen that probably will not (since the WS is underinvested). When the 'work' is not happening, the desired outcome probably will not either.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
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