Dove, hang in there. Listen to Ats! He always gives great advice.
WH#2 called this morning to say the place he is at is a mess and none of the workers under him are there today. He said the rumor is the plant will close in September instead of March as the guy who took his job thought. I thought that was a long time to let a bunch of people sit around like that waiting to lose their jobs. It is a shame that companies can do that to older workers, especially loyal ones that have been there their whole working lives, but it happens more and more everyday and there is little you can do about it, even with a union behind you. It's like he paid union dues all these years for nothing. Even though he has little empathy for me, I do have empathy for him to be put in this position with only a few years left until he could have retired with a full pension. However as I told him it is what it is and he will just have to now learn to do something else for a lot less money. It is the state of the nation at this point in time and companies no longer really care about their employees. I had always thought that he was fortunate to even work for a company that gave their employees a pension and matched 401K. I guess that doesn't matter anymore if someone else buys the company out. They only have to abide until the contract runs out, which it does this year. They moved some employees to a new plant at half their pay, no union, but they get to keep their pension. Unfortunately WH#2 was not in a department they moved. I think they will eventually do the same with the plant he just came from to also rid themselves of those employees and the union there.
I am hoping that I can get a job after I see this doctor so I can get my own insurance. I am hoping she says that my liver will hold out for a few years longer and she can do something to help with the fatigue I am feeling all the time. I have good days and can work my butt off, but I usually pay for it for a few days after with severe fatigue and then I get sick if I continue to push myself. Hindsight now I can see the cycle from the last few years, my hospitalizations, and my varing symptoms. I looked into SSI disability and it will barely pay my part of the mortagage, but then I would have medicare. I am not sure what they would pay however toward my medical and fewer good doctors are even accepting medicare patients anymore. I think if I could find a nursing job that did not require physical activity, I might be able to function enough to do that, but I know I can't do 12hr days taking care of patients anymore. I am hoping I can get hired by a law firm and will be concentrating my efforts on my legal nurse certification looking for a job in the future. Anyway sort of doome and gloom around my part of the jungle this week. Thanks all for you thoughts and support. It means so much to me right now. (((HUGS TO THE TRIBE)))
ATS he always thought Id be there bc I always was. He started to get jealous when he became aware that I was dating. We always spent a lot of time together alone, with our kids or mutual friends. Besides all the things surrounding the affair had a great friendship. Always made each other laugh and had a lot in common. I was always supportive and encouraged him to do better in life. I helped him with his school work or through family issues. He says that when he thought about all the things he'd be losing and someone else was gaining he started to panic. He's been an open book now and since he came home. I have all access to phones and computers and where he goes. He flirted bc it made him feel good, it made him happy bc he was mad at me. How do I know if he'll do that again to feel happy when things get tough? He left me with Cancer because he thought Id be fine with family to support me and as he says bc he was selfish and an Ahole. He has changed the way he treats me. Thats a huge difference from all our years before the affair and now. I always thought it was great but I realize now that he was very selfish throughout. We hung out with people he wanted to hang out with, we went and did what he wanted to do. If I wanted to go somewhere he told me to take my friends. When people told him "your lucky to have her or how did you get her"... he would get sulky or say "you mean how did she get me". I realize now that he only compliment me in a way that would compliment him. "Oh my wife does this and this for me because IM that special" in front of his friends. He would also make little of me in ways that suited him as well. "Oh sure she's pretty but I've been married to her for years so I dont see it."
I never noticed it until now and wonder what that all means.
And your right. I think his holding on to her does reveal a lot about him. He said he was unhappy for awhile in our marriage but didnt leave till he had someone to go to. He didnt leave her till he knew he would be able to come home.
He had a very tough upbring. Was adopted, abused and kicked out at 15. But I had a tough childhood to as do many others. I just dont find that an acceptable excuse. If you didnt like it, why create such havoc for your own family?
He has been pretty honest as far as the last 10- months go but I cant be sure if he is honest about the past. I constantly wonder if there were other women in the past before the ow. He said he did this bc he was unhappy. But we had our ups and downs throughout. We were both young, had young kids, work and were in school. Therefore you must have done it at some other point when you were unhappy right?
Dove - welcome. I am sorry you find yourself in this place, but these are wonderful people who will see you through.
MC - I know what you mean about contemplating. In my case, I feel so bereft of affection and physical contact (I miss sex!), and have for so long while WH has had both in spades. WH is "not ready to be alone with me yet." At the same time, I have had several random people lately tell me I am beautiful. A truck driver even honked at me on the highway yesterday! It is almost as though the universe is trying to give me a much needed ego boost. It does make me wonder what else could be out there for me, and I feel very conflicted by that.
All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)
Trust Ė It seems to be one thing after another. I have no idea on the health insurance thing, but there must be some way of extending it after WH has finished with the company? Isnít it offered as part of the severance package? Can he take it to another job? I really hope there is some answer out there for you so you can get a transplant and get your life back. Fingers and everything else crossed that the 23rd goes ahead and that something will happen. Have belief hon.
I wanted to tell him that losing his job was not what has disappointed me about him. That I was more disappointed by his choice to have an A when our marriage was for the most part good.
I agree that you should tell your DS the truth behind the divorce. Itís beyond time if heís mad at you and has made his own truth that is so way off the mark.
Well at least that NPD self serving pratt will be gone in a matter of hours. Then you can breathe again and try to think sensibly. It has to be better to be without him, doesnít it? Unless you can do as your neighbour has said and just use him as a check book. If you havenít got your own money, please, please do something about it now. Stash something away and perhaps get one of your older boys to take care of it for you. Give yourself an emergency fund that NPD fuckwit doesnít know about. Struggle yourself out of that cleft stick, no one is holding you there except yourself. You are paying a heavy price for financial security and WH holds that over you.
Now if you can DETACH, then by all means keep the status quo. Step back and view him with clear eyes. Stop feeding his ego. So what if OW goes shopping to the same places? Itís pathetic, thatís what it is. Shrug it off. If you are going to stay, let it be a marriage of convenience and treat it that way. As MC said:
My crazy neighbor keeps saying that if heís paying the bills, just let him know we are just married technically and live my own life. There is no dishonor in such an arrangement, you just be authentic about it. Is is about what YOU choose.
My crazy neighbor keeps saying that if heís paying the bills, just let him know we are just married technically and live my own life.
Hope the plane diverts to and gets lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Idiot fuckwit.
Oh and the beach incident? He was showing off DS to OW, thatís all. Treat the episode with the contempt it deserves. So shallow and transparent.
Gotta go for a bit. BBL.
It is bitter irony to see people who can't let go of someone or something for fear of emptiness in their life and yet their spirits are wasting away because they choose to hold on. ó Dodinsky
Throw his lines back at him and donít allow him to blameshift Ė he does it automatically because he canít be doing looking at himself. He seems to see it as his RIGHT to blame you, for you to be his whipping boy and I do think you are leading your DD to behave and respond in the same way you do. Step back. Shrug and say things like ďIím sorry you feel that wayĒ ďyes, that must be toughĒ ďIím sure you will find a way to a solutionĒ blah, blah. Do not accept his crap. Walk away. The more you do it, the easier it will be. He is misinforming and withholding deliberately. Itís a controlling game, donít play. You are not a mind reader and you are not a slave to his texts.
In my case, I feel so bereft of affection and physical contact (I miss sex!)
Dovetool, welcome to this corner. Many have been through here and found a place to sit and talk. Itís a place of calm and there is very little bashing or table thumping here. Whatever you choose to do, we will help you through whether itís to R, S or D. You are in a fragile state at the moment and the one person you should look after is YOU. Remember, put on your own oxygen mask before seeing to others. Expect a lot more in the way of highs and lows. Stick to your boundaries and do not welcome your WH back into the fold with open and grateful arms. As someone once said, you canít love someone back into a marriage. Showing strength of character (when you feel at your most vulnerable and donít feel it) is important. Donít worry about stumbling along the way. I know I wish I had found SI a lot sooner than I did Ė 15mths after d-day. The advice I so badly needed when I was walking blindfold, on a road of broken glass, in the dark with no map or sense of direction.
Take notice of atsí post. Heís said pretty much what I would. Itís no good making promises if he hasnít looked at his habits and behaviour around women. What if there is another moment of crisis he doesnít want to deal with? Another responsibility? Another woman batting her eyelashes at him? What is his strategy for CHANGE?
FNF Ė hello!!
I would love to hear from some of our "oldies" on here about that "aha" moment when you finally realized what was going on in your M. I'd love to hear too what were some of the obvious signs that you ignored.
I read somewhere that a BS always knows but they are just in denial if they say they had no clue. I do not agree with this statement as I have read too many posts where the BS is as blindsided as I was by the discovery of the A.
When he started the affair, five couples were experiencing the fallout of adultery. He made sure he followed rules so he wouldnít be found out. Or even suspected. He never brought her to our territory. She was nothing to do with the rest of our lives. She lives far enough away to never encounter her. They spent time in hotels and her house when her BH was abroad. He didnít keep anything on his phone. He didnít spend our money on her. He didnít tell anyone. He acted normally Ė we still had sex, he took me out, we went on holidays, he bought me presents. He told half lies Ė yes, he was at a certain hotel, he just failed to mention the ďcolleagueĒ or ďsupplierĒ was his mistress. He didnít change Ė no sudden dieting, new interests, or anything.
I tried to think of incidents, but there werenít any. He bought me flowers for a year at a charity auction, which was odd. Otherwise nothing until his moment of confession. A brilliant artist in the skill of lying and deceit.
That is why if he tells me it is raining, I will look out the window to check.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
do not have long....
dove....welcome to our little corner of si, and so so sorry you are here....it all sucks and wow, a newborn...
take care of yourself....find some time if possible during the day or evening for "me" time....very important to do when things are normal, never mind when going through this crap
on another note, go back to mc....talking is good, but they don't always hear and the 3rd party can be quite instrumental in making sure you are heard and understood...
also go to ic, i still go, its been 4 1/2 years for me, i am not in "r", will head for divorce eventually, living in a separated but living together sich....not easy, anyways....go, it helps
ok gotta go, will try to bbl
I have gotten a lot of things to think about and discuss with my WH. You guys have given me the right questions.
I asked him what assurance do I have that this wont happen again? He states that while he was doing what he was doing he thought to himself whats the worst that could happen... I lose her... so what. He says that once he actually lost me is when everything came crashing down. He realized that he did not want to live his life without me. He says that at one time he thought I needed HIM, now he realizes that he needs ME. He says that he knows now that no matter what trouble we go through, the ups and downs, he now knows that those feelings wont last. But if he does something he knows he'll lose me forever... and that WILL last. He has been very open andswering all questions about myself. The only hesitation he has is that he worries the answers will send me into postpartum depression. I don't always believe what he says either, which is a whole nother story.
He'll say he didnt do something with her, and I just refuse to believe it unless I have proof. Otherwise I just assume he is lying and I know better. He also hadnt told me before that he drove by her a few months ago on the way to the kids school.Told me when I asked if he had seen her. I was pissed. But now he has started telling me if he pass by her or her kids anywhere.
Are we even on the right track. Are his answers the right answers?
I ask him what if you really unhappy again one day in the marriage? He says he'll no that time will pass. He says that he will talk to me, fight with me, but not hold it in a build resentment so he can feel justified doing anything wrong. He'll tell me that he's not working so hard to fix me to only break me or leave me again. He's trying to get me to be what I use to be. What if I never get there?
He says that he will talk to me, fight with me, but not hold it in a build resentment so he can feel justified doing anything wrong.
Yeah, he once also probably said something along the lines of promising to love you (verb) and be faithful to you. Talk is cheap, but real change takes effort. What is he doing to instill this change?
It sounds like he is saying resentment is a valid reason to have an A, so he is going to work on not building up resentment. What if the next time it is not resentment, but deep dispair over some life stress that triggers his wayward thoughts and behaviors?
I really think he needs to show some progress in understanding boundaries and learning and practicing new behaviors.
Has he fought with you, is he practicing these things he says that he will change?
The only hesitation he has is that he worries the answers will send me into postpartum depression.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:33 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
when i learned about ow#1, i was a couple of months shy of my 20th anniv, and was with my ws for 23 years...well ow was there waaay before me....she was there for 30 years.....he was her om....and they never stopped....and she was not the only one....
i didn't have a before, which hurt, it hurt alot, and to make it worse, it turns out i didn't have a during either....there was not a single point in time when my ws was faithful, and all the while he was a shitty husband, emotionally and verbally abusive in fact....
SOOOOooo, you may not have a before either, but you did have a good marriage....which in itself is something....and its a start to mending your marriage if that is what you ultimately decide to do
and how wonderful that you are getting "you" back.....it sucks doesn't it how much you lose yourself in it all...its so overwhelming, it all but swallows you up......
anyways welcome....and so so sorry you are here....so sorry we are all here, but so grateful for it too...
ats: i had to read your post waaay more then twice to get it too!!
how sad is that....
i need a vacation, and not from si, but from life....wish i could go on some kind of retreat of sorts...
may just have to plan one while i still can possibly afford it
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 9:45 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]
All of my credit issues come from medical bills. Do you know how much a helicopter ride is from one hospital to another? Over $50,000 and I have had several. This does not count the brain surgery and the many days I have spent in the last 10yrs in ICU. I had insurance, but even with that my medical bills were more than I could pay if I paid on them the rest of my life. I pay them as I can and I always pay my doctors. Even so it has affected my credit.
Before WH#2, I had excellent credit.I have always paid my credit cards and bills on time. WH#2 had a foreclosure and repossesion on his credit from his first marriage. That has since fallen off his credit and I have acquired worse credit now.
Now for my question....Would you refinance with WH#2 just being on the loan? I owned this property during my first marriage and have been paying on it for many years. We gave away the old house and rebuilt a new one on the property.
WH#2 says it doesn't matter since we live in a community property state that I would still be entitled to half if we divorce and all if he dies. He of course added that he would never do anything to hurt me like that. I just looked at him and said you already have, so I don't trust you and insist that my name also be on the title. Am I being stupid?? I trusted my XWH#1 with our joint account and put my Mother's inheritence in it and he took it all, plus my DD college fund money and there was nothing I could do about it. Now I am leary when it comes to what I own. What does the tribe think??? I can save money by refinancing in only his name. Even if it's in his name I can prove I made half the payments. So does anyone see a downside to me letting him have this in his name only. The only thing I can think of is if he wanted me to move out and move someone else in (he had OW living here when I was working out of state) could he actually do that?? Or is this just one more thing I am adding to my list to worry about????
HELL, TO THE NO...
do not put the house in his name now or ever unless he buys you out....your payments may be a bit more then they would be under his name, but that house right now is prob all you have left.....
he has proven himself to be untrustable.....read your name
omg....absolutely NO...protect yourself at every turn, and hon i know you have had waaayyy more turns then most.....and yes it sucks moose eggs.....
WH#2 says it doesn't matter since we live in a community property state that I would still be entitled to half if we divorce and all if he dies.
Not that you don't have enough stuff to think about but if you haven't make sure you have updated your legal documents if you don't want yoru WH on them. For instance your medical power of attorney, your will, beneficiaries, etc. I can't remember if you have children but if you don't feel your WH would be fair to them after a D then you may want to put getting those documents and others changed on your to do list as well. If this was discussed before I apologize for missing it.
Welcome Petite. Sorry you aren't having a good day. you are on the right track with helping to alleivate the bad days. Keep focusing on getting YOU back and taking care of yourself. It really does help. ((((Petite))))
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:39 AM, July 19th (Friday)]