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User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:
First off, thanks for the kind words!

Now, back to business...

This:

I know what's on the other side of D. I didn't know if that was better or what I was going through right now.

It's Catch-22. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Is what stopped me in my tracks and made me log in to respond...

I think the wheels in your head are spinning so fast that you can't think sensibly at times (said in the most nicest way possible...)

HE IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU.

With a divorce, you will not have to SEE HIS FACE again until one of your boys gets married.

That's HUGE!

With a divorce, you don't communicate with him, dont have to beg him for money, dont need to care for him when he's sick, wonder if OW will be staying on your couch next week, etc.!

THAT IS HUGE!!!!

THIS IS NOT A TOUGH DECISION!

The only thing tricky is the finances - but not going forward with a separation or divorce has a far greater cost.

Many people are worse off financially after a divorce, TEMPORARILY.

You dont think I was worried about money? I'm still working part time - I have a 4 year old. The overhead on my house is tremendous & was structured with the assumption that my X would be retired by this point and we would have that income, plus his employment income & we could afford it all.

Now, it's all on me.

You have an education and skills to fall back on & you will be OK.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
I agree with allgood.

I was taken aback by this statement also.

Nothing could be worse than what he is doing to you now.

This is emotional abuse.

And his actions are hurting you and your sons.

IMHO this is much worse than making a clean break and divorcing him.

I'm sure that if you asked your sons they would agree.

As horrific as dealing with infidelity is ...the NPD has taken it even further.

This is not simply an affair.

This is a man that has admitted to many affairs throughout your marriage.

This is him fathering three OC with another woman in another country and hiding this from you for many years.

And now...This is him bringing the OW and 3 OC here to your hometown...not only is he not trying to hide this other family from you and your boys in order to not hurt you etc.

He is actually trying to introduce them to you and your boys and wanting to bring them to your home!

In that description of NPD that I posted a while back one of the things it describes is 'normalizing'-where the NPD tries to make people accept the most bizarre and antisocial behavior as normal.

That is what your NPD is doing.

He is trying to convince you that this is normal behavior.
This is far from the truth.

Your younger sons must be horrified and are most likely suffering very much to see their father disrespect their mother in such horrible manner.

have you asked them how they feel? I'm sure they would be 100% in favor of you divorcing so that they could begin to have a normal life.

Lots of kids grow up in a divorced household and turn out just fine.

But very few have to deal with something like what your NPD is trying to pull.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,

Status quo you are not happy with your life as it is now with NPD and all his cloud of issues swirling around. It is difficult, it is taxing, and it is stressful.

If, scratch that, When you D him you will have stress in your life. There will be financial stress, you may have to move, and you will have to persist through legal crap. It will be taxing, stressful and difficult.

The difference between the stress and difficulty in your life status quo versus D is that you will be in the driver's seat. You will not be responding to Mr. NPD, or worrying what Mr. NPD will think of you doing or not doing a thing. And eventually, it will get better.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

Right now I am grilling a meatloaf. It is meatloaf Monday here at the Dip grill. Plus a baked spud and what ever Mrs. Dip wants to add.

m3

Good to hear you grilled a pizza. I am glad it came out O.K.

Ats.

Ribeye! My fav cut. Grilling on the boat is a fun way to go.

End of the grill report and now back to our regular schedule.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not know how to do the cut/paste and quoty thing on my ipad....so based on memory

the quote from honest bout being caught between a rock and a hard place....

well....NO, not really

first off, when he is not in the country you have a sense of peace' you dont have when he is here

when you have distance from him, you are emotionally stronger

second, this may be a rock, which is movable....its just a rock its not wall

the wall is in your head and in your heart...you are quite simply stuck and terrified...

with your first husband, he made the decision, not you...this time around you have to make the decision....which i know you know you have made....its the carrying it through that you are stuck on....that and that itty bitty glimmer of hope that you manufactured in your child self.....

well hon, put your big girl panties on, then add some bitch boots and get walkin!!!!

you put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walkin out the door

(love that song)

or

these boots are made for walkin, and thats just what' i'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you......

(love that one too)

put those songs in your head and don't stop believin.....

omg, i need a drink, i am talkin in song.....LOL


(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip- Good to hear from you!
Grilling Meatloaf? Do you bake it first?
But...since you're the grillmaster I'm sure it will taste great!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest -

HE IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU.

True fact. As NJGal said, this is not simply an affair. What he is doing goes so far beyond that it's almost incomprehensible. And certainly unforgiveable.

You are a wonderful, beautiful soul and you deserve so much better than an emotionally stunted jerk. Those crumbs are moldy. And way past the five second rule lol.

And stop apologizing for posting!

I know what you mean about wondering which WH is the 'real' one. My WH, as 7yrs predicted, has been nice for the most part the past week or two. And it almost makes me more ill at ease than when he's being mean. I think it's because I've come to see the cruel, mean side of him as the more genuine, authentic him, as opposed to the loving, sweet, funny, flirty guy I thought I was married to for going on 24 years. That side I now view as the mask. I question the ulterior motives and hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop when that guy shows back up. And I find that incredibly sad.

Either way, I try to take it with a grain of salt and 180 (even though we all know I suck at it!), because I have reason to believe he is still talking to OW.

I've done the math, it's going to take me 9 months to get my financial affairs in order enough to consider filing for S or D without having a major impact on DD's life. It also gives me time to get my health issues in order, too, which I had a scary wake-up call about this week. So that's my new internal deadline for ending this drama. I originally gave myself six months from DDay, and that didn't happen, but this time I'm feeling stronger and I'm lining up those ducks. And yeah, I'm still hoping none of it will matter because he'll magically get his head out of his behind, but it's getting easier to convince myself it's a pipe dream.

7yrs -- I LOVE wine tastings - one of the great things about Long Island is all the wineries. If you lean towards the sweeter wines, try an ice wine or a tawny port. Like Ats, I lean towards reds usually, but love Barefoot Moscato or Yellowtail Riesling when I barbeque.

Ats - do you go to the Wine and Food Fest at EPCOT in October? If not, you should. It's so much fun! 40 countries of wine and food pairings.

Dip - I have an old Mr. Food recipe for grilled meatloaf that I made my own and always gets rave reviews. DD and I are making grilled pizzas tonight with shredded chicken and bbq sauce. We'll probably also do a dessert one with pear slices, walnuts and gorgonzola cheese. A little arugula salad and citrus vinaigrette on the side and you're good to go!


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nigal.

I do not bake it first. My grill is a kamado style cermanic grill. I do mine about 1 hr 45 min. Here is a link to several of this type of grill.

http://bbq.about.com/od/charcoalgrills/tp/Top-10-Kamado-Grills.htm

It can be a little more trouble to use but it is worth the extra effort. The only bad food that I ever made with it was when I was learning how to use this type of grill. I don't know about the grill master title. It sounds like DH is worthy of that honor.

DH.

Mr Food has some good recipes. I use a meatloaf recipe my W cooked in the oven for years. The grilled meatloaf is much better than the same thing cooked in the oven.

Miracle.

Thanks a whole bunch for putting that song in my head. I now keep hearing "these boots are made for walking" over and over. Damn.

Ats, 7yrs and the rest of the winos on here. The only kind of wine I like is wine I do not have to drink. The upside to that is the fact that there is more for you all to drink.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, 7yrs and the rest of the winos on here.

Wino here I just wanted to add my 2 cents to this conversation. Red Zinfandel is my absolute favorite and 2 in particular are exceptionally good - 7 Deadly Zins and St. Francis Old Vine both from California. They are really dry so if you like the sweet wines, these wouldn't be for you.

Dip, seriously, you don't like wine??? I must say, I'm a bit disappointed to hear that. I guess you redeem yourself by being the grill king on board.
Honest - I am thinking of you and hoping you are getting some peace even with all this turmoil. You have gotten wonderful advice from everyone on here but I understand you must be ready before you can take action. It's so hard to read your story and not want to say those magic words that will help you to take action and hopefully one day soon you will be there. There are many things that have been said by others here that hopefully will help you as you move toward freeing yourself but the one quote that I wish could help to extinguish your fear is the one by DH -

It is bitter irony to see people who can't let go of someone or something for fear of emptiness in their life and yet their spirits are wasting away because they choose to hold on. — Dodinsky

Honest, you are a beautiful spirit and the greatest crime IMHO would be to allow your WH to continue to crush the beauty in you. He doesn't deserve you. He never did.
(((((((((((Honest))))))))))


[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:59 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, honest...
What if you move forward with D even if you don't feel ready for it? Do you think the act of moving forward will force you to think forward, too? Just a thought that occurred to me while driving in to work. Maybe you just need to close your eyes and leap and trust that the ground will be there.

Nobody tell dip that I've never grilled anything in my whole life. Nor that I don't even own a grill.

Best cheap sauvignon blanc out there: Dancing Bull.

<And so, having imparted her words of wisdom, Nell disappears.>


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok nell, i won't tell dip....

on a more serious side...i have to stick up for dip...i am not a wine fan myself....unless its in the form of a wine cooler.....then its a YUM....especially black cherry..YUM

"these boots are made for walkin, and thats just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you"....."KEEP WALKIN"



ps....a little birdie told me that allgood is havin a birthday today....so i will raise a wine cooler later and make a toast to you allgood...

happy birthday!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whenever I hear wine cooler I think about those old Bartles and James commercials. As the resident neophyte Wino I would like to thank everyone for the suggestions. I will finally have wine bottles in my wine rack.

Also Happy Birthday allgood!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1580 | Registered: May 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

On the subject of wine: Pinot Grigio is my fave.

On the subject of grilling: Post-Hurricane Sandy we lived off my grill for a week til power was restored. I grilled EVERTHING!

Honest: Please check in.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Allgood!!

I will still have to deal with him because of the kids and finances. I still hear about xWH#1 and how wonderful he is from the older DS's (and he doesn't even realize that it was me who pushed for the kids to see him, me who made sure they had a good relationship with their father)

HE IS EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU
.

Yes, he is, and I have realized that I've got caught in that cycle of abuse. I believe between him and my mother, my spirit and soul were almost crushed to death.

But thank God for everyone here.

You are all lifesavers. I know each and every one of us is suffering deeply and you have all helped me in spite of your pain.

You are all angels.

Just a thought that occurred to me while driving in to work[/quote

Oh, Nell, that brought tears to my eyes that you were thinking of me. I do that too, I'll think of a problem someone posted, or on the lighter side, think of Dip whenever I see a BBQ.

NJgal: Thank you for the reminder. I have to update the list that my IC wanted me to make about everything that NPD has done to help me get stronger and get moving.
He is trying to normalize his behavior. Trying to make it like what he is doing is ok.

The difference between the stress and difficulty in your life status quo versus D is that you will be in the driver's seat.

Yes, Ats, that's scary and thrilling at the same time. You also said something the other day about it will come to D sooner or later anyway. It's a given, and I shouldn't waste one more moment on him.


the wall is in your head and in your heart...you are quite simply stuck and terrified...

Very well put, Miracle. I'm the one stopping myself this time. And I don't understand what I'm so terrified of. I do everything by myself, know how to use a screw gun, fix things around the house....take care of everything and when NPD comes I take care of HIM.
I've been a single mother in reality for all my sons.

It is bitter irony to see people who can't let go of someone or something for fear of emptiness in their life and yet their spirits are wasting away because they choose to hold on. — Dodinsky

Thank you for the quote, FnF. It is certainly true for me.
And yes, he doesn't deserve me. I know I am not perfect, like everyone else, I have my faults. But as a human being, I do deserve respect and common courtesy and decency.

Ats, 7yrs and the rest of the winos on here.

Lol, Dip! I'm so glad to see you. I wish we could all be at your place while you grill something wonderful and we winos can all have a glass and raise it in toast to you!

Whenever I hear wine cooler I think about those old Bartles and James commercials.

Lol, 7yrs! I remember those! Next thing we'll know you'll not only have wine bottles in your wine rack, but a wine cellar.

That side I now view as the mask. I question the ulterior motives and hold my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop when that guy shows back up

I'm finally seeing that too, and it's scary. It was like watching a horror movie and hiding your eyes not to see the monster and maybe it'll go away. But it's still there no matter what.
Please, DH, take care of your health. That is a priority!! That is the first thing you need to do. Don't let him bait you. It is soooo hard. Focus on you as much as possible.

I let NPD know that I cannot survive on crumbs. Then the idiot says maybe he should let OW and OC stay for a month so I could see I can accept that, I told him that I did not have to taste a shit sandwich to know that I will not like it. I told him do whatever you want, but when that happens I want an immediate divorce.

I am not ready to tell him that I'm preparing for a separation agreement. I need peace and calm to focus. Allgood is right, my mind is spinning on the energy of my tumultuous emotions.

I believe I've decided to go ahead and get the process going. I don't think I have enough time while he is here this time, so I'll wait and get some things in place.

I'm not putting it off, just trying to be as practical as possible.

It still hurts big time, though.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heart)))

keep that vision clear in your head, there is a quote by maya angelou

"when people show you who they are, believe them"

yet we are trained otherwise from children...we are taught to go against gut instinct, we are taught to give the benefit of the doubt, we are raised to believe that people are genuine, we are raised that truth and good always win out, that hard work does pay off, that you are innocent until proven guilty......

so of course it is so hard to go against what we are basically trained to do.....

and then we have that disney fantasy, being swept off our feet mixed together with the american dream of that "white picket fence"

of course we "see" who we want to see, none of us i don't think ever wanted to "see" who they really were...because "seeing" them for who they are would mean that we would have to face that they didn't love us enough or at all, have to face that we will not have that "dream" after all, that we have to start all over again with enough baggage to down an airplane.....

but what we need to "see" is that YES we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and begin again, have new dreams, new goals and better we can attain them.....hard work may not always pay off, but its honest and it allows us to sleep at nite, something i know my ws has alot of trouble doing, not to mention being able to look at myself...and you know what ,i like what i what i see and i genuinely like myself!!!!

heart take care of your health first and foremost....line up those ducks and when you are ready, go for it....

and if lining up those ducks gets too stressful, then let them go for a bit and take care of YOU!!!!

and honest, all of the above could go for you too, cept the part about waiting for your health...for you i believe its the opposite, i think the longer you stay in your sich the worse it will be for you....

and i am glad to hear that you are taking action....and if you don't have the papers ready for this trip i hope they are ready for the next one...but getting that ball rolling would be the best gift you could ever give yourself and if decides to keep them here then maybe you might have those papers done before he leaves....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

I cannot emphasize enough that separating/divorcing will change the dynamic between u & NPD.

Yes, you will still have to communicate with him about the kids - I would recommend it be strictly by email/text so that eliminate any chance that he will mess with your head. If he drifts off subject in an email/text, its much easier to dismiss than during a verbal conversation. And much easier for you to exercise some self restraint & not engage in it with him.

This will take some practice - recognizing his crazy & stopping yourself - after a while the self talk will become your new habit - "I dont need to listent to this." and " I dont need to change his opinion, his opinion doesnt matter to me."

And, you may hear from someone or another how he is doing, but it will be a small stab of pain in comparison to the pain you are in now.

As to the agreement - you dont have to give it to him while he is here. It might be better for you to send it to him over there so you dont have to deal with the brunt of his reaction. But, I suspect that your best chance of him signing is in person?

Anyway, know that even when we are swinging 2x4s it's because we all care about you and want to see you happy.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:20 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi tribe...Sorry I have been MIA for awhile. Thanks to all of you for your concern and prayers. I have been dealing with the never ending medical saga and trying to keep sane at the same time with each new problem. I also have a huge garden this year and all my vegtables are coming in, so I have been canning food almost daily. I plan on entering some of it in the State Fair this year. I looked at some blue ribbon winners last year and said to myself, my vegtables look so much better than what won, so I plan on entering about 10 different catagories this year. I have already filled out the paperwork and now just have to type out the receipes and send it all in. It should be interesting to see if I win a blue ribbon.

I finally got an appointment with the transplant hepatolgist in Dallas for the 23rd. Hopefully she can give me a time limit on how much longer my own liver will last before I need the transplant. Other than the constant fatigue, I am feeling OK for now. I am still having a little trouble eating due to the esophageal varicies banding they did on the 27th, but most of the pain is now gone. Hopefully it will make me lose a few pounds that the medications caused me to gain and I won't have to worry about them bursting again for a while, so there is an upside. Anyway enough about my medical issues.

Honest...Thank you for your heartfelt kind words. I had to play catch up on your latest and am sorry to hear that you WH is being a total jerk. As the others have said this is beyond what a lot of us are going through with our waywards. I can't even imagine how you can even talk to him without slapping him silly. I have never hit anyone in my adult life, but I believe I could hit him. It sounds like his other wife is none to happy about the sitch either. I can't imagine how someone can have two wives and two totally seperate lives with OC and think that is OK and everyone should accept it as he parades them around.

I agree with everyone else. You have to get out of this sitch now. It is taking a toll on your health (mentally and emotionally). Not to say what all this is doing to your children as they have to witness this mess too and see the pain this is causing you. No amount of money is worth that. You are going to have to reach inside yourself and make things happen. You can't continue with this abuse. If nothing else go NC with him except for texts/emails as others have suggested and only discuss finances. Do not be available when he comes around. If he comes unannounced then leave without talking to him. I know this is hard to do with a NPD, but you have to start somewhere in getting your life back in order. You have been waiting around long enough. He made his choice and if it were me I would be glad he choose her and not me. He is toxic and always will be. He is a different kind of messed up and he is trying to take you down with him and you are letting him do it. It sounds like you have many supporters, including his own family. You also need to go back to IC to help you learn ways to cope with this strange shit storm of a marriage. Your children need you and you can't be there for them if you can't even help yourself. We all care about you so much and only want what is best for you, so please listen to the advice the tribe is giving you and detach yourself from this mess he has created. (((HUGS)))

Allgood...Happy belated Birthday!!!!!

As for the rest of you wino's, it is not fair to talk about all this good wine when I can't drink any myself. The non-alcoholic kind is just not the same. Might as well drink grape juice. First time I ever heard of grilling a meatloaf. Since I make WH do all the grilling that gives me another thing he can cook and I don't have too. Of course then he would want a blue ribbon, pats on the back, and me to kiss his ass because he actually did something besides come home from work and drink himself stupid. If it takes 1 1/2 hrs to make I am not sure he would make it without passing out though.

Anyway, I have two huge bowls of vine ripe tomatos I have to do something with. I think I will can homemade spaghetti sauce today. Doesn't that sound like fun??


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help me 180!

During the height of the A, WH would often use taking out-of-town work associates out as an excuse to see OW. There was more than one occasion when he would say he was going to be home by 10, wouldn’t show up until after midnight, and then would scream at DD and me for being worried and upset he wasn’t home when he said he’d be. When DD found out about the A, it took her about 2.3 seconds to connect those dots. Anyway, one of those out-of-town associates are in town this week, so DD and I were already on edge.

WH’s office closes at 5, but we’ve gotten used to him not leaving until 7. Last night DD was in the pool and I was in a lounge chair with my tablet. Phones were upstairs charging. 8 o’clock rolls around and no WH, no IM messages, no emails, no skypes. I started crying. We go inside at 8:20 and check our phones and he had texted us a couple of times around 7:30 to let us know he was still in a meeting. I reply to ask him if he was still there, and he said he’d just left and they were going out to dinner. Needless to say, we were upset by that, so we decided to get out of the house for a bit and went to see a movie in the park.

I tell WH where we were and he said he’d be asleep before we got home. Except when we got home, he wasn’t there. He showed up like half an hour later, and DD was upset, but instead of understanding, he got into a fight with her. It wasn’t his fault we didn’t have our phones on us when he texted at 7:30 that he was running late, and why didn’t we check them – he could have been dead, after all! He ended up going to bed without saying goodnight, kissing her goodnight, apologizing, anything. I stay up with DD and we crash on the couch watching Doctor Who.

This morning I see him before he goes to work and he wants to know why we slept downstairs. I try to tell him that it’s a trigger for her and he interrupts me with a curt “I get it. you don’t have to explain.” You can almost hear the internal thought process -- “Battlestations! Shields up!” He repeats that he texted – and why should he apologize, why shouldn’t she apologize for not checking her phone? I said it wasn’t about that, it was about that he wasn’t home when he said he was going to be.

His response? “From now on, I’m going to pad everything. If I think I’m going to be home in half an hour, I’m going to tell you two it’ll be four hours, that way I won’t get in trouble anymore.” I just shook my head at him because, seriously, his first solution is to lie? Of course, he got pissed when I did that and said “You’re shaking your head at me?!” I just calmly said “Yes, I am,” because I found his response to be so juvenile, clueless, and narcissistic that I had no other reply. He huffed, said “Have a nice fucking day” and slammed the door behind him as he bolted before I could respond (which is a big no-no for me in his book. Constantly accuses me of running away from arguments and yet he does it all the time).

I am shaking and my heart is pounding. I want to call or email him. Point out that these types of issues and triggers are a consequence of his A, and that he needs to approach these types of things with understanding and maybe even a little humility, that rebuilding trust is the only way to get rid of these triggers, but I know that I should just 180 and ignore it. He doesn’t get it, and me trying to explain it to him is not going to turn the light bulb on. There’s no use getting baited in. I may be fighting trying to save our marriage, or hell, save his relationship with his daughter, but he’s fighting for something else – his pride, maybe? Or sometimes I think he fights just to fight, so he can justify, so he can self-validate. I mean, every time he’s broken NC, he’s blamed it on us having a fight. We fought, therefore he assumed it was over. He’ll probably call her today. Why should this time be any different?

I should just ignore it, right? Shake it off and move on. But I’m having a really hard time doing that right now.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 8:22 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
DecimatedHeart
♀ Member
Member # 37657
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust - I am so glad to hear from you!!! And hear you doing reasonably well under the circumstances. Please check in often and keep us posted. Can't wait to see your Blue Ribbon!

Dip - no, I'm a damn good cook, but an amateur at the grill. The Grill Master title rests firmly on your shoulders, friend.

Honest -

I let NPD know that I cannot survive on crumbs. Then the idiot says maybe he should let OW and OC stay for a month so I could see I can accept that.

Re-read ^^^ and tell me what you would say if I told you WH said that to me, because seriously, WTF? The man, and I hesitate to even call him that - he doesn't deserve the compliment at this point - is insane. Get. Out. Now.

[This message edited by DecimatedHeart at 8:20 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me, BS 41
Him WH 42 - LTA, EA/PA
Together 24 years
DD13 - the love of my life
DDay#1 11/10/2012
DDay#4 4/5/2013 (NC broken AGAIN)
A supposedly over 6/14/2013

All my posts are edited - I hate typos. :)


Posts: 129 | Registered: Nov 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn’t his fault we didn’t have our phones on us when he texted at 7:30 that he was running late, and why didn’t we check them – he could have been dead, after all!
Classic blameshifting and turning things around on you. [sarcasm on] you see how it was your fault that he didn't come home because you left your phone upstairs and never checked on him. He could have been lying dead in a ditch for all you knew right...[sarcasm off] F.T.G. he isn't the least bit remorseful and it's still all about him. Your feelings and your daughters feelings don't really matter to him. You see it for what it is. The tough part is accepting it and like you said detaching. considering his past...he made no real attempt to come home on time, keep you in the loop on where he was, or calm your fears about what he was doing. So you are right keep detaching. You do that by assuming he is still cheating because what he does really is irrelevant now. You told him what you need many times. He knows and chooses not to do it. My STBX stopped her A but i assumed she started it again or started a new one in order to detach. I told myself that she cheated in the past so why check on her or worry because she has shown she will do it and likely will do it again. I stopped asking her where she was going, stopped checking her phone, and basically decided no matter what she did I refused to interact with her.

If your WH goes out to a dinner meeting again or any meeting for that matter don't ask him when he will be home. Do exactly what you did this time,

so we decided to get out of the house for a bit and went to see a movie in the park.
Go do something that you and your DD enjoy and don't worry about him. The more you do this the easier it gets.


I mean, every time he’s broken NC, he’s blamed it on us having a fight. We fought, therefore he assumed it was over. He’ll probably call her today. Why should this time be any different?
He broke NC because he is a liar, a cheat, and because he wanted too. It had nothing to do with you. So I say to you, yes, why should this time be any different. In his mind it won't be. But in your mind it CAN be different. you control your reactions to the situation and say F.T.G. You already know what to do.

I should just ignore it, right? Shake it off and move on. But I’m having a really hard time doing that right now.
^^^This is it. Yep it's hard but you arleady know it's the right thing to do. He is going to do whatever he wants anyway so ignore him and continue to focus on you and your DD. Your DD will take her cues from you. If she sees you continuing to get sronger and ignoring what WH is doing then she will understand that it's more important to control the only thing you and she can control which is yourselves. Once she sees you detaching and becoming whole again it will help her greatly. You want help detaching, think of your daughter and how she is watching you get stronger as you detach. Once you start hitting a few good streaks and notice the lows cycle by faster you will likely feed off each other and start to heal together. Being the Mom you get to show her how to handle things and she will follow. Keep at it.

As for the sleeping downstairs thing, he knew why you slept downstairs and didn't need to ask it was bait to start an argument so he can do more justification in his head. In the future don't take the bait. Don't answer or tell him because you felt like it or any other short response if any at all. Let him argue with himself and stew by himself. He will be mad anyway. You won't be able to do it every time but each time you don't engage him it gets a little easier. Keep at it, you have come a long way.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:18 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

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