Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: saveme25 (43179)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs - Part 32
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost soul: Good to see you. It does take a looooong time to heal and the scars run deep. Any new triggers just seem to open the wound again.

NJgal: NPD is in the plane right now with OW and OC's. He said he'll be dropping them off at a friends and coming here to pick up his car. Of course he gives me the BS that "he misses me" and can't wait to see me.

I just want him out of my life, but the finances are so screwy. FTG!

Of course I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions going from sad, upset and angry.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest- I looked at this list of symptoms of NPD.I didn't copy the whole list-it is alphabetical and I stopped at 'letter r' It seems like so many of the descriptions apply to your NPD.

His bringing the OC here is definitely normalizing where he is manipulating people to accept something that is against social norms.



Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Introduction

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious condition which affects an estimated 1% of the population. Narcissism is characterized by an extreme self-interest and promotion with an accompanying lack of concern for the needs of others.

Narcissism is named after the mythological Greek character Narcissus, an extremely handsome young man who rejected the love of Echo and, as punishment, was condemned to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to obtain he object of his desire, he died there in sorrow.

NPD Characteristics & Traits

The following list is a collection of some of the more commonly observed behaviors and traits of those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Note that these are not intended to be used for diagnosis. People who suffer from NPD are all unique and so each person will display a different subset of traits. Also, note that everyone displays "narcissistic" behaviors from time to time. Therefore, if a person exhibits one or some of these traits, that does not necessarily qualify them for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. See the DSM Criteria on this page for diagnostic criteria.

Click on the links on each trait for much more information about a particular trait or behavior and some ideas for coping with each.

Abusive Cycle - This is the name for the ongoing rotation between destructive and constructive behavior which is typical of many dysfunctional relationships and families.

Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others.

"Always" and "Never" Statements - "Always" and "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.

Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.

Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dissociation- Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.

Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.

Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a family or group of peers.

Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an economic advantage over an individual or organization.

Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.

Grooming - Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family.

Intimidation - Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from personality disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.

Lack of Object Constancy - A symptom of some personality disorders, Lack of Object Constancy is an inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children do not develop until two or three years of age.

Narcissism - This term describes a set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.

Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.

Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.

No-Win Scenarios - No-Win Scenarios and Lose-Lose Scenarios are situations commonly created by people who suffer from personality disorders where they present two bad options to someone close to them and pressure them into choosing between the two. This usually leaves the non-personality-disordered person with a 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' feeling.

Objectification - The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.

Parental Alienation Syndrome - A term used to describe the process by which one parent, typically divorced or separated from the other biological parent, uses their influence to make a child believe that the other parent is bad, evil or worthless.

Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

Proxy Recruitment - A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verb


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tribefor the support... it is much appreciated. Honest said it in just a few words:
It does take a looooong time to heal and the scars run deep. Any new triggers just seem to open the wound again.

Guess I still have to work on me... the only one I can change.

There's more but duty calls... Have a great Monday or Canada Day if that applies!

Oh... does anyone want to be FB friends (private messaging re: SI)? Send me a pm please. I like to be in contact but time online needs to be limited if I am ever to unclutter my mind & life!

Lost out...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Thank you so much for posting that. I've been reading up on NPD and although mine may or may not be full fledged, he does have an awful lot of traits, enough to make him hard to deal with.

I've been on the NPD thread a lot, and S&D and from the posts there, I know I'm in for a very hard time when I finally say "enough" to him. Even though I've said it already, he has pulled me back in by "hoovering" techniques and I'm so

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: Thank you so much for posting that. I've been reading up on NPD and although mine may or may not be full fledged, he does have an awful lot of traits, enough to make him hard to deal with.

I've been on the NPD thread a lot, and S&D and from the posts there, I know I'm in for a very hard time when I finally say "enough" to him. Even though I've said it already, he has pulled me back in by "hoovering" techniques and I'm so desperate and I guess so much in denial that I get sucked right back in.

Well, he came back. He came to my house to get the car and wanted to spend the night. He wants the kids to meet, so I told him to take them all to the McDonald's with the playground.

So, stupid me told him to choose, me or her. He said he's choosing the kids. (Meaning the 3 OC's) and can't divorce their mother because it will ruin their lives.

He keeps telling me he can't stand her, always argues with her. But is not ready to D her. I told him that he will make up with her as usual and we will have to start talking about what we are going to do.

I am so very scared because he's NPD. This is not a normal person. He is not like my xWH who although drank and did cheat on me, did right by me and my older kids financially. I mean he was fair and didn't give me a hard time. He was reasonable.

This is why I procrastinated for so damned long. I knew what it would come to.

I haven't cried in a long time, but am triggering like crazy today. And stupid me, DS18 wanted to buy NPD a birthday card and I browsed myself. All the cards "To My Husband" just made me cry. All about "just the two of us" and "You have made our lives wonderful" I stopped looking and walked away trying to give myself a 2x4 for even looking.

He's not going anywhere. I have to be the one. My crazy neighbor keeps saying that if he's paying the bills, just let him know we are just married techically, and live my own life.

I have to detach and let him go emotionally. What the hell is wrong with me?

I have to take that stupid spark of hope and bury it or destroy it somehow. It is not real, but I still am in denial, or whatever and keep believing.

Sorry for the ramble. Just knew you guys would understand. Thank you.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My crazy neighbor keeps saying that if he's paying the bills, just let him know we are just married technically, and live my own life.

There is no dishonor in such an arrangement, you just be authentic about it. It is about what YOU choose. Marriage is an old institution, and notions of love, emotional connections, fidelity, etc. have varied in their salience through history. In such an arrangement you would then of course have your own relationships, etc. You are right that you need to detach and then choices will be easier.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:45 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not much time...is late and i need sleep...gots a 2nd interview really early in the am, and then work...


hello (((suol:))) love seeing you, hate you are still have a bad time of it....its amazing to me that after so long you are still trying....or maybe its after so long you are still just stuck....

(((honest)))....remaining married techncally is not gonna work, you know that.....you would have what i have,,,and we see how happy i am not.....!!!!.....although i have a future to look forward to, which is what i think keeps me sane when i am married to insane...

had a rather strange weekend....grad party, sweet 16, sons birthday, son getting license....a whole lot of stuff....and through it all we have been playing the "couple" part....for the first time since d-day we danced semi-together....fast dancing only....not ready for a slow one til probably one of my kids gets married and thankfully thats a long way off,,,,,or it better be a long way off...

anyways....of course at some points it felt odd, no thats not right, at most points it felt odd....there were also moments where the interaction between us was what i want for us for a future, friendly but at a familiar distance...i am hopin that will be the case, but sincerely doubt it

also saw all my inlaws yesterday....very uncomfy...but mostly because of the interaction with my kids....for those who don't know...they were behind my ws hiding lots of money from me...and they also tried to break us up on may occasions....and 4 years ago, just after d-day long story short...they disowned my ws and my kids....and yesterday my fil approached 2 of my kids telling them that family means everything and meanwhile he wouldn't even look at ws (his son)....alot of other stuff was said,,,,was just really weird...bonus down the line for me is that i will not have to deal with them after i finally separate....although i rarely deal with them now...last time was at another sweet 16 2 years ago....prob next time will be a funeral....

time for bed....enough of my ramblin

(((tribe)))

honest: stay strong dear heart, stay strong....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to detach and let him go emotionally. What the hell is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you honest. This is just tought stuff to deal with. I agree with your assessment though:

He's not going anywhere. I have to be the one.

It's seems scary and extremely hard to take those steps to leave but it gets better. My STBX told me she wanted out of the M but never took steps to leave. I had to to that myself. At the time I didn't want to but it was the only way I could change my situation. Don't let fear of change or the unknown paralyze you. I can't remember if you have seen a L yet but if you haven't go see a L and don't tell your WH about it. Actually go see a few L's and fill them in on your situation and ask for advice. This can be a small step that you do just for you. I called the L for the first time 6 months or so before I actually went through with filing. I wasn't ready when I first called but the information I gathered on the process and my options helped me immensely. I was nervous and anxious again when I went in for the first real meeting 6 months later but I HAD to get out. I could picture what my life would be like if I stayed. As I started to detach every now and then I would stop looking at the trees and could see the forest for awhile. There was a path out, I just had to take it.

Life is different with my STBX out of the house. It's different but good. The kids are doing well. I find that I am much happier and actually a mcuh better Father than I gave myself credit for. Things flow so smoothly in the house. Much of the stuff I thought I had a problem with before was actually because of my STBX. I actually did most of the work in the house but used to get mad because she didn't do her "fair" share. Now that I MUST do it all myself it's not that bad at all. No expectations other than what I place on myself. The anxiety, nervousness, stress, and pain all go away eventually. When you have an unremorseful manipulative WS it has and always has been the WS that is the problem. If they show you they are incapable of change then you take steps to change your situation. For me, it was like the disfunction became the norm and I couldn't remember what normal was or even begin to comprehend a way out of the disfunction. The disfunction had been my way of life for so long that I acceted it. We just get so used to the craziness that we "think" it's us with the issues but once you take the steps to leave and get going down that path things open up. Is it easy, no it isn't, but it's also not easy staying in a broken relationship either. So taking those steps to get out are hard in the beginning but get easier as you go and they really get easy as you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You do what you can when you can but trust me when I tell you being free of the dead weight that is an unremorseful WS is extremely cathartic, satisfying, and freeing. Will I struggle, sure but I am struggling by myself and for myself and it feels great. I feel a little better everyday. I come back to life a little more everyday. You can do the same.

As always I wish you the best and do what you can when you can.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:27 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


the disfunction became the norm and I couldn't remember what normal was or even begin to comprehend a way out of the disfunction. The disfunction had been my way of life for so long that I acceted it.

7yrs: I completely agree with you. I felt that after xWH#1 left. He was an alcoholic who hung out with other alcoholics so all the crap seemed the norm.

I've seen many lawyers already. My financial situation is tough since most of the money is overseas and nothing shows here. I'm used to be on my own. Technically I've raised all 4 of my kids on my own. It will get easier for you as you get to your own routine and realize that you do not have to coordinate with someone else.

I'm just dealing with emotions. The "I'm choosing my kids.....just like I chose the DS's long ago" and "I don't want to ruin their lives, so I'm not ever going to D their mother"

I feel like a knife has been stabbed through me.

It's another DDay and I can't stop crying.

He is choosing them. What about ruining our DS's lives???

I'm sorry I can't stop crying today.

ETA

Miracle: I'm so proud of you. I'm sure you'll do very well on the interview.

I'm glad to see you were able to take the next step when you were dancing with pfm. I hope in the future you can be civil with one another. Try not to be too friendly, because that ends up hurting. Maybe in the far future you can be that friendly civil couple. I'm civil and somewhat friendly with my xWH#1, but there is still a huge awkwardness. I actually get along better with his wife (she had NOTHING to do with us. He met her years after we were D and she is a great LADY, so I'm lucky with that)

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:40 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honesttoafault,

Just want you to know we are thiking of you and wish the best for you.

Now, to put on my lecture cap...

Quit trying to make any sense of what he is telling you, what he does or does not do. He is not normal, and any actions or statements are simply what he thinks that he wants, or should be satying, at that point in time.

example: he said that he's choosing the kids. (Meaning the 3 OC's) and can't divorce their mother because it will ruin their lives.

What was he thinking when he sould have been saying I am not going to become involved, marry, and have children with another woman because it will ruin my life with my children and honest?

His opinions and actions blow across all of the compass points with the swirling draft generated by his impaired personality. Lastly, what is it that you are crying for honest? Is it is disregard in his treatment of you, what was lost that could have been, what will never be, fear of the future unknown, or somethingelse?

Is it just me or have iwam's post lately indicated there is still time for pfm to come clean and win her back were he so inclined (and capapble)?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:09 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ats.

Lastly, what is it that you are crying for honest? Is it is disregard in his treatment of you, what was lost that could have been, what will never be, fear of the future unknown, or somethingelse

I'm trying to figure that one out. Probably a combination of what you mentioned. My IC says my depression is mostly situational, but it's like peeling an onion and of course other unresolved issues come up. I guess too, it hurts because MY father didn't choose me. I do realize logically why he left my mother (BPD plus him being a sober alcoholic), but he didn't see me much at all after he left. He basically left me too.

What was he thinking when he sould have been saying I am not going to become involved, marry, and have children with another woman because it will ruin my life with my children and honest?

This is another thing too. He said that he was choosing his kids in front of our DS's. But added "just like I chose our DS's"

I don't think I'm afraid of being on my own, since I have already been for about 4 years now (and was for my whole first marriage). It's the finances that I'm scared about. I think it's because I've lost so much, that I felt I couldn't deal with even more loss, like my house and then see NPD put OW and the 3 OC's in my house here. He already did that in my house and my beach house overseas.

At least this time I'm being more proactive and not curled up in a fetal position under the covers. I refuse to be the victim anymore, but just so overwhelmed.

I just wish I could stop crying.

Maybe because this is the REAL dday, all the denial has been swept away and I can't hide there anymore.

Wow, it hurts.

Thank you so much for listening to my ramblings. Just trying to stay sane.

ETA:

DS18 became an ocean lifeguard and saved two people the other day. One was definitely drowning.
So I have to look at the good things as much as I can.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:45 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - just wanted to send you some hugs. I can't imagine how much you are hurting knowing she is here. He is such a selfish, cruel bastard. I can see what you're saying, that as long as she was over there you could live in a somewhat state of denial but now she is here and he is here with her when at least when he was here he was with you. He wants it all - you and your sons and her and the OC to live as what? some happy polygamist family??? It is no wonder you can't stop crying today. My wish for you is that this is the final insult that hopefully propels you to move forward. You can't keep letting him hurt you. I am so relieved that you have told him to take the children to a neutral place and that you have not allowed him to bring them to YOUR home. Your home is your sacred place - it must remain the one safe place for you that is never touched by his twisted thinking that the life he chose for himself could ever be acceptable to you and your sons.
((((((((((((HONEST))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you FnF. I was thinking about that. I needed one sacred place, one place that they have not touched.

But I know he's going to keep pushing for it. He's a bastard.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest-
I am so sad for you.
I know that you have had so many losses in your life. Now the NPD has betrayed you so horribly and has lied to you about finances, your home,the OC, other affairs etc.
No wonder you are crying today but...try to turn that sadness around into anger.
You need some righteous indignation and anger to empower you.
On SI they talk about how important NC (no contact) is...and they add..NC=no new hurts.
The NPD is hurting you over and over that is why in the end NC is the only way that you will be able to protect yourself from being hurt over and over.
He is hurting you and your sons. IMHO emotional abuse is worse in some ways than physical abuse.
Do you have a plan? Do you think he will decide to bring the OW to your house?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:01 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a man who marries a US spouse and has a family in NY, and then marries another spouse in another country and has another family, and them brings them all together into the US to NY be prosecuted under NY law for bigomy?

where is allgood when we need her?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal: I would actually prefer NC at this point, but the finances are the problem. I don't believe he'll bring OW to the house because I told him point blank I will make a scene out in front of the house and call the cops. As a NPD, that is very bad for him, he doesn't want his image tarnished! Legally, the cops can't do anything, because it is his house too, (I checked) but it will be very embarrassing for him and I can be loud or as a colleague was told me, "I can project my voice very well"

I wish I could let go of my anger. I think I'm actually afraid of my own anger. I very seldom raise my voice (except to the kids). I have to try to focus that energy on something, though.

Ats: He is not committing bigamy because he is not legally married to her here in the US. He is legally married to her and me in his country. I guess I could try to cause some trouble with immigration, but to what end? I am not a vengeful person, but I guess I should look into it as a last resort.

I can't thank you guys enough. I'm really being more proactive this time and am starting to move.

His voice is still ringing in my ears: "I'm choosing my kids" and what about our DS's???

Maybe if I keep thinking of it, I'll get angry enough and stop crying.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet he does bring her, Honest. I would guess he would consider your ultimatium to be an empty threat.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: He is not committing bigamy because he is not legally married to her here in the US. He is legally married to her and me in his country. I guess I could try to cause some trouble with immigration, but to what end? I am not a vengeful person, but I guess I should look into it as a last resort.

I am no lawyer but could there still could be legal ramifications with this for you. If not legal then financially? Is he putting his "other" family on his health insurance? If "other" family member breaks a leg, who is paying medical bills and is honest technically responsible for 1/2 of those said medical bills or any debt incurred by WH in the US that he racks up because of "other" family? If "other" family member crashes WH's car and kills someone else can honest be sued for whatever insurance doesn't cover if you have joint auto coverage with WH? You are the legal spouse in the US and subject to half of the debt he incurs while married. This may have already been covered in the past and if so sorry for bringing it up again.

I hope we are wrong but I have to say I agee with M3, I truly hope this isn't the case but I believe your WH will in fact bring his "other" family to your house, if for no other reason than in his twisted mind he wants to. He would do it when you weren't there and you could walk in to them sitting in your house. Not that you care but where are they staying now? Is he footing the bill for a hotel, are they staying with other family, if they are here for an extended period don't be surprised if he doesn't figure out a way to weasel them in, most likely by somehow trying to force you to leave whether through intimidation, manipulation, or just plain being evil. In his mind YOU and likely women in general, are the replaceable cog's in the machine.

If I am off base please ignore my post. I am not trying to pile on but I am concerned for you. As stated if I am retreading ground already covered I apologize. Everyone has helped me so much that I wish there was something I could do to help all of you more than just moral support on a forum. Remembering the crap you went through with his surgery and the mindgames he played worries me for you. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:19 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1566 | Registered: May 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I don't put anything past him anymore.

7yrs: Thank you for pointing those things out. I didn't think of it. They're staying in a hotel not too far away. Of course he's footing the bill although he cries poverty all the time.


I just need some perspective. My emotions are all over the place and it's hard to rein them in. I reach out here because I do need help sometimes to see things in reality and stop talking myself into accepting things just to make peace.

I just wrote all in full detail the events of yesterday, and decided to erase it. To try to make a long story short, it was NPD's birthday and he said he would join us for dinner. He wanted to bring 2 of the OC's and I told him it would be better they met as planned on Wed at either the playground in McDonald's or Chucky Cheese's where they could meet and interact in play instead of sitting around a table in a restaurant.

Anyway, he's late, he calls and says he'll be here in an hour and I told him never mind and he says he'll come anyway and I said what time and he says between 8:30 and I said make it 9. I told him we're hungry and have to eat and come for cake.

Stupid me, when he comes and stays an hour and goes to leave, I ask him very politely that the next time he's going to be late, to please let me know in advance and not at the last minute. We were all waiting and hungry and DS18's gf was waiting too. He's going on that I'm mad because he was late and I wouldn't wait and I told him no, it's because he didn't call and I just want common courtesy. And he says "that's why I don't want to make definite plans. I was late because of xyz" and I repeated that it wasn't because he was late, but because he didn't call.

Well, of course he's mad now. Says maybe I should act like he isn't in America because it hurts me too much. I said it's going to hurt no matter what he does. I said to him that he said to me that he would do anything I want, so I said, "Send them home early" He yells, "Do you want me to kill them too?" I just said goodnight and walked away.

Today he tells me that the OC's aren't coming to meet the DS's. He wants peace of mind. Doesn't know when he'll come here.
I told him when he said that he was choosing his kids, I would think he meant all his kids.

I know I didn't put in all the details. But why do I question every thing I say and do? Why do I think I'm the one who is wrong? It's like I feel I should know better than to say anything wrong and should be careful. I'm obsessing. Is it perhaps that I'm being codependent and want to control what can't be controlled?

Geez, what an ass!! It's like he's punishing me that the kids don't meet???

Also, my heart is stabbed. He chose them. Period.

He has every excuse in the book, "they're alone in a hotel"

Yes, I need reality checks.

I have to be my own knight in shining armor, but my horse is dead and my armor has been destroyed.

Njgal is right, I need to get angry, but somehow can't. I just cry.

I do get scared because of things like what 7yrs said or M3 said. I feel he's capable of anything.

I just had a meltdown last night. Heart is racing today.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:33 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest.

You can't argue with a sick mind. Quit trying. (says the dip that has done it a thousand times. )

He is just mad cause he is not getting his way. He thinks he is right and you are wrong. I bet if all of us here could sit him down and tell him how far off he is, he would still say he was right and ALL of us are crazy. It is in the NPD/BPD handbook. All problems are caused by others.

Here is a reality check from me to you. You are not stupid or crazy. He is a asshole and a fucker.

Hugs
Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.