That being said, I feel my WW will NEVER get her head out of her ass and get out of blame shifting mode without some help. Counciling is great, buyt a 1 hour session, once a week equals YEARS before she "gets it" plus she is a good manipulator. Who knows if counceling wil even be any good.
I think she would surely benefit from a reality check that other waywards would be able to offer. She of course would be defensive with just about anyone who challenges her because she feels judged and guity as she should, BUT maybe, just maybe other waywards would be able to help her as they walked in her shoes so to speak. Does that make sense? I don't really want to share SI with her, but......
It seems good in principal to have some waywards try to talk some sense into your ww. But, as I have seen many times before..if they don't want to listen, they won't hear a damn thing.
I would keep SI as your safe place. At least for now.
She wasn't in a place to open up or to accept that others here at SI could help.
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
I would highly and strongly suggest that you keep your WW away from the place that is safe for you......for now anyway.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
The force is strong with that one.
I suggested she join as I worried that she had no support system other than MC at the time. She really struggled with what many of you had to say to my post. I will admit some will try and project their sit to someones else's - many times correctly so but sometimes not so much.
I also felt a loss of a safe place to vent - although we do talk about everything. She agreed at one point to stop reading post from me. However I realized she was and it really sent me off - breaking a promise. This even led to one terrible MC session and some hard conversations. She apologized and said it would not happen again. I told her I did not have that many "I sorries" left.
Anyway she says she does not read any posts I start, sometimes does come across my responses to others. However I have resigned to reducing my posts - if I don't give her the chance to break a promise it won't happen again.
That being said she does read the WW side a lot and we discuss many of the posts.
To elaborate, SM....I think I used almost the exact same words that you did here. Everyone said nononono. The others said 'wait'. I didn't listen. I am still paying for THAT bad decision....
Print off what you want her tO read. Don't tell her where or how you get your info.
We did have extenuating circumstances. WH was an alcoholic and he was actively seeking treatment, attending meetings, getting counseling. I had a leader of one of the meetings promise he would be a different person in a year. It took I'm just that long to get sober.
I'm not usually as hard on women as I am on men. Possibly a character flaw on my part but after years of abuse from men, not surprising. I don't spend as much time responding to men here but your situation seems to warrant it.
One thing people here say a lot, you have to be willing to lose them to have any chance at R. I believe that. Otherwise they will get away with whatever they want, whenever they want.
You are right about IC not being very effective with NPD types. The therapists can't see through their lies. It's one of the reason's I have gone to MC even though it is torture for me. Someone has to call him on his bullshit.
There's a little book called, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." I suggest you read it and then give it to your wife. Tell her not to contact you until she, reess it, gets it and commits it to her heart and can do what is required to start doing what's required for R. You would be doing her a generous favor. She may dot be able to accept that but at least you will know you tried.
Meanwhile, 180, detach, make time and energy for more positive things in your life. Even if it's just seeing a movie you want to see. Working out is great therapy.
She texts me tonight ans tells me she wants me to know she is working on stuff. Her therapist sugest she read "Anatomy of the Spirit" I lokked up this book...."With this model, Dr. Myss shows how you can develop your own latent powers of intuition as you simultaneously cultivate your personal power and spiritual growth."
Still thinking soley of herself and how she can heal. Shes not even close. she would be better to read the "how to help your spouse heal", but as you said, that would a gift to give it to her. I don't want to hold her hand and tell her how to help me. Then it isn't genuine.
My response to her text was "OK". She of course texted back and said she was not trying to be pushy and why don't you let me know when you want to discuss anything other than work or home.And asked if I intended to wait until MC?
I responded with:
"Ok. Ill let you know. I need space and I think NC is best for a while. I will discuss work/home issues only.
She responded with OK.
Give me a break with her? I am supposed to clap and cheer that she is working on "herself". She and another man have been working on "herself" for months now!
That may have been my first joke since d-day. That felt good.
Anyway, I am keeping her away from SI for now and until I really feel she has earned the right to gain the knowledge this place has to offer. As someone else said, she can continue to sniff unicorn farts for a while......
((wonderby)) I didnt want her to answer me. In fact I wasnt going to tell her I even posted here. I just wanted her to get a kick in the ass from other wayward spouses, but she isn't even close yet and It will only share SI with her when I think she has earned the right. I may be never....
[This message edited by Shockedman at 8:58 PM, June 7th (Friday)]
The sad truth is the WSs have to do the work to get to that point, and if they really were...they could find SI on their own.
Regretfully, some WS do get directed to SI when they have not truly remorseful, not done the work and do not intend to, and use what the BS posts against them. The BS doesn't get the guidance and expertise s/he specifically needs here unless s/he bares the soul and shares the specific sitch and fallout. That's a gold mine for someone that is not out for his/her best interests. Until WS has your best interests at heart, it is best to keep SI your safe place.
I can tell you that I have shared some of the things I have written here with my WS without revealing SI itself, and it has been tremendously helpful...after some progress was made, much further down the line. But again, it is part of putting *my* best interests forward and not his. Two years later, he has still not earned my recommendation to use SI as a resource. I know that because of the guidance I get in confidence here.
Until then, I would strongly recommend against it.
I had a horrible---really horrendous and damaging---experience as a result of asking my WH to join.
Until and unless you KNOW your wife is strongly committed to repairing your marriage with you, I would keep it under wraps.
I would hate for you to go through what I did.
Still, I agree that she doesn't sound like she's remotely in the place where SI could help her. She doesn't even meet the membership requirements for WS's here. She'd have to be committed to ending the A before she could register and post. She could read if she were so inclined, but would she at this point? Sounds unlikely to me.
Others here advised me against telling him straightaway and to keep I as "my safe place", which is what it is. Since then I have been able to vent freely without thinking I needs to censor anything I said in case he read it.
Now, further down the line, I want him to be reading here and learning from other waywards, but I feel he needs to find it himself if its going to be of use. I look at the wayward posts and see if I can see him, but he's not here yet.
I would endorse "How to Help your spouse heal from your affair". That really got him seeing things from a BS perspective. It's is short and direct. After your WS has read that, they be ready for here, but don't bring them here until they are ready. keep it as your safe place.bring him