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User Topic: I love you
vistainc
♀ Member
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 little words that I have not said and can not say to my fWH since D-DAY 6.5 months ago.

He says it to me and I say "thank you." I care very much for him and am trying to R, but do the I LOVE YOU's ever come back? Will I really mean it when I say it?

I don't want my marriage to always be in a state of someday, maybe, in time. I guess I need to feel that it is really going to be ok even if I don't see it right now.

Anybody else struggle with this?


Me BS 48
WH 53
4 Sons 26, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I struggle with this too.

My H says it to me every single day. I do respond in kind, but I am conflicted.

What helps is knowing that deep down I must still love him as I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I also have been impressed by his efforts to reconcile.

It is a different love, that's for certain. Figuring it out does take time.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Mar 2012
vistainc
♀ Member
Member # 37688
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really feel it sometimes and then that thought "he doesn't really love you or he couldn't have been with her" flashes through my brain and then the feeling is gone.

If Istart saying it will he assume that everything is ok? So torn and sad thinking this is my life.


Me BS 48
WH 53
4 Sons 26, 25, 23,18
D-Day 11/20/12

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Western MA
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh has not said those words in a year. I have not said them in over a year. I don't love him. He has texted me that he loves me and I responded with, "really? Prove it. Show me, convince me."

Maybe someday.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes he lets it slip, but I just can't say it back. I'm still struggling to not see him as an enemy. He tries to stop himself since it gets awkward.

I'm not sure I'll ever say it again. I still have no idea what direction my life will go in.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 771 | Registered: Mar 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do love FWH and have no problem saying so. If I didn't love FWH I wouldn't be trying to reconcile.

Have I been conflicted about loving someone who could hurt me so deeply and wantonly? Yes.

My love for FWH isn't conditional. On d-day, I didn't stop loving him. If we divorced, I would have had to detach emotionally and eventually, hopefully, my love for him would have died, but I imagine I would always still care about him.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was the first time I said it to him since dday. I told myself I would say it if I felt it, but it didn't obligate me to keep saying it. Relieved some of the pressure I felt about it. I figure its kinda like acting loving even when your not feeling it. If you wait til you feel it, it might be too late. Not that you should say it if you don't feel it, but maybe saying it during those brief flashes of feeling it helps the feeling come back more.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a long time before I could say this to H in a moment of caring. I did say it, though, as a reason I would try to R....the love I've felt all these years didn't disappear in the hour that I read his letter to OW.

But to say I love you wasn't something I could really do until I felt safe. And H worked hard for a long time before I got to that point. I don't think anyone in this situation can be expected to open themselves and be vulnerable professing their love for the betrayer until and unless they are ready.

I once wrote I was waiting for the butterflies in my stomach again and almost four years out, I am still waiting. But I do get a warm feeling when H comes home now or calls or texts me a loving note and I expect those butterflies aren't too far out there.....

It has taken time, patience and lots of work, both my me and my H. You may find, in time, and with your WS working hard, that saying I love you won't be so difficult to do.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
keeponkeepingon
♀ Member
Member # 32935
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Three words that became hard to say-I and Love and You"-the Avett Brothers

I can relate to this song so much.

MrKOKO tells me all the time that he loves me. I still have trouble saying it. I do love him or would not be working to R with him. It is hard though. If it feels right you will say it.

It does not feel right still when we have sex to say it. Even if he says it to me, I will usually just kiss him.


"I know you and you know me and I know you can see. So help me get my way back to you"

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: On the corner of Grey St at the end of the world
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time saying it. Not because I don't love him but because I don't love him the way I did or think I should. I feels dishonest because
it doesn't mean what it used to. Just like when he says he's always loved me, even when he was having his A... Well what does it mean then?

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 3:32 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I said it often and easily after D Day. Because it's the truth. But that doesn't mean that I am ever, ever going to endure this shit again. Two strikes and she's out. No third chance. If it happens again, I'll love her as my children's mother...from a safe distance.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:25 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS
On d-day, I didn't stop loving him
AND THIS
the love I've felt all these years didn't disappear

If I'm being honest with myself I know that I still love her. I didn't leave the marriage so it didn't end the minute she did. However its hard, sometimes I say it back, sometime I don't. I never say it first. Even when I do say it I'm always qualifying in my mind, I love you I really do, just not IN love with you right now. Doesn't mean that won't change. This also always me to lessen the feeling of betraying myself to her.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 555 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Topic Posts: 12

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