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User Topic: Whom do you tell?
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first confronted my WW about her affair, she wanted me to promise not to tell anyone. Of course, by that time, I already had told a couple of people, but I agreed not to expand the circle of confidence any further. She was worried about her reputation, both personally and professionally, and since I was still hoping to work things out, I wanted her to feel like she could still save face after this.

But now that we are heading for divorce, I no longer feel obliged to keep her secret. But the question is, where do I draw the line? Who has to know, and who doesn't?

There are a few of my closest confidants whom I have told, but the temptation to tell more people is severe. This is partially because my WW has been "gathering her army" for some time, long before I even knew about her dissatisfaction with the marriage or her affair. She has told her side of the story (with all of its distortions, blameshifting and libel) to numerous friends, though only a few know that an affair was involved. She hasn't been considerate at all in slandering me to all of her friends. I feel like she shouldn't get to paint herself like a long-suffering saint who was suffering at the hands of a neglectful and abusive husband. People should know her for who she is.

But the problem is that this feels too much like revenge. I don't want to simply mirror what she has done by trying to get as many of my friends (most of whom are still technically "our" friends) on my side, and to get them to see her as the villain. And I don't want to smear her reputation all across town. Well okay, I do a little bit, but it doesn't feel right. At the end of the day, she is still my daughter's mother, and I need to give her some consideration for that. And... as monumentally unlikely as it seems, it's impossible to know if we won't some day find a way to come back together. Do I really want to burn all of our bridges?

A part of me wishes I could stitch a scarlet letter into her clothing, a warning for other men to stay away, an outward symbol of the shame that she never inwardly felt or acknowledged. But this is the bitterness talking, and I don't want to do anything out of bitterness that I'll later regret.

So whom should I tell? Obviously, my inner circle of confidants, and most of them know already. But as we make this divorce more and more public, how should I explain it to people? I could say that we had irreconcilable differences, but I hate that phrase, because usually all that means is that one or both people weren't willing to work on the marriage. It makes it sound like I was a willing partner in the destruction of our family. I was not. I can say that she wanted the divorce, but I didn't, but that reinforces her version of the story, that I was the one causing the problems and had to be dispatched. And hell, even just telling people that she had an affair is an oversimplification. The marriage isn't ending because she had an affair. It's ending because she's making it impossible to recover from our problems. No answer seems adequate, but one that leaves out the affair seems most inadequate of all, at least to me.

Anyone have thoughts or experience on this? Whom did you tell? Did you tell anyone and later regret it?

[This message edited by dbellanon at 6:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you need to decide this right now -- divorce is such an emotionally charged time.

Personally, I would not want to smear the reputation of my child's parent if only because of my terror my children would find out before they are mature and emotionally equipped to process that kind of information. Also you are going to be co-parenting with this woman for a long time. That is another reason to take the high road.

I truly believe that actions speak louder than words. She sounds like she is digging her own grave reputation-wise. In your shoes, I would say, "Former wife and I had different values. My focus now is helping my child through this transition."


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you need to decide this right now -- divorce is such an emotionally charged time.

Personally, I would not want to smear the reputation of my child's parent if only because of my terror my children would find out before they are mature and emotionally equipped to process that kind of information. Also you are going to be co-parenting with this woman for a long time. That is another reason to take the high road.

I truly believe that actions speak louder than words. She sounds like she is digging her own grave reputation-wise. In your shoes, I would say, "Former wife and I had different values. My focus now is helping my child through this transition."


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the "former wife and I had different values". Accurate? Would be in my case.

I have told all my important people. WH doesn't know. He thinks my parents know about the nekkid pics and that we're going to counseling. But yeah, my parents, brother & SIL, 4 best friends know. I even told a neighborhood mom because I had just found his POF profile and I was in shock. I just kind of blurted it out after she noticed I was upset.

My point is: tell who you need to tell. If we D, I fully intend on telling WH's sister, who I was friends with years before I met my WH. She always said that I was too good for him... I guess she was right.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. No kidding about different values.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used the line we had different priorities in life to family and friends. At church I used the line I have one of the biblical reasons for D, otherwise the assumption is that you are the bad person.

On the other hand, do not tell anyone at work. There will always be someone who will use personal information against you.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Dec 2008
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are getting a divorce the answer is tell whomever you wish, but take time and think if you are just doing it for revenge. If it is, are you okay with it. Best advice in all things (deciding on D, how you handle D, how you answer questions etc.) When its all said and done can you look in the mirror and be happy with what you have done, how you have handled things and even though the others opinions are misguided or hurt you, are you able to be good with yourself, bc that is what is truly important.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are getting a divorce the answer is tell whomever you wish, but take time and think if you are just doing it for revenge. If it is, are you okay with it. Best advice in all things (deciding on D, how you handle D, how you answer questions etc.) When its all said and done can you look in the mirror and be happy with what you have done, how you have handled things and even though the others opinions are misguided or hurt you, are you able to be good with yourself, bc that is what is truly important.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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