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User Topic: The fight of my life
Dark Inertia
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i did not see your last post. I am so sorry. :(

"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no you didn't lose the fight. You lost a POS that cheats on his wife.

Hefty bag his crap and tell the OW to come get him.

you will get through this.

FWH did this to me twice. Best thing I ever did was to tell him to go be with his OW, I was done.

Get angry and put your bitch boots on. You can do this.

Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's not over. It may feel like that right now, but it's not.

When you feel ready, read through the threads below. There's a wealth of information to help you get through the next few weeks and beyond. Some of it will seem impossible to do, but you can do it. If I did (and I was a complete wreck), you can too.

Tactical Primer:

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

Before You Say Reconcile:

Understanding the 180:

Great Posts for Newbies to Read:

Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces

Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you didn't lose the fight. Your WH didn't even give you a chance to fight.
Now, the fight begins.get an attorney and serve him papers as soon as possible. Pack up his shit in garbage bags and them out on the curb and text him to pick them up. NC him unless it is about the kids and even that should be short and sweet. Take half of money out of the bank and open your own account. Get a sitter and go out with your "real friends" and start living your own life.
Once your WH sees that you are very capable and not sitting at home crying your eyes out he may start to come out of the fog.
Do not engage with him at all.
Maybe at some point he may decide he wants to talk or come back. Don't let him until he agrees to go to MC. Meet him there and let him understand that only when you feel
safe and he has completely cut all ties with ow will you even consider R.
This may or may not happen. If it doesn't consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. Because this behavior of his will continue and it will be the ow's problem.
Stay strong. You can do it!

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. The betrayal, then the rejection by the man you love. So many of us have been there.

Hang in there. Just hang in there.

I would like to find this guy and beat him senseless. He not only betrayed you, but is betraying your babies as well. Such a wonderful time to be a couple, sharing the joys of parenthood, but his emotions are instead all over some lying, manipulative woman who wants to be your "friend." (Just to ease her own conscience, mind you... If you're her friend, what she did wasn't so bad after all in her idiotic mind.)

And his crap about loving you. People who love their spouse don't stab them in the back and then ask them to care for the knife.

This is *not* a man worthy of your love. Don't let yourself sink too deep into the hell from being rejected by him. He's a stupid mess and honestly has no idea what's truly good for him.

If he does come crawling back, I suggest thinking long and hard if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
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Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Traditoperanni just gave you excellent advice.

I have often read on this site about WS'es that leave so they can eat their cake, or are in the fog. But once they realize their BS is not waiting in the wings for them and are moving on with their life, many waywards suddenly want to R, and will do so on their Betrayed Spouse's terms.

It's all so exciting for the cheaters in the beginning because they are living in fantasyland. It's really sickening. But that does not last long, because it isn't real.

((((TGL)))) I am so sorry for your pain. It may not seem like it now, but you are going to get through this, for yourself and your sweet babies. You are strong!

ETA: Here is another great thread to read when you can. It helped me a ton, just when I needed it.

Emotional Detachment: What is it, and how is it accomplished?

[This message edited by GingerAle at 10:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014

Posts: 425 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are going through this. It feels like the end of the world, I know. It isn't. It seems like you lost, I know. You didn't.

I promise that the blow to your self-esteem and the regret you have later for not just letting him go and going NC until he pulls his head out of his ass or you get over him will be far worse than just letting him go right now.

Look at the links others have provided. We've all been there. We all know, in hindsight, that letting them go and limiting contact is for the best. There is a saying that No Contact=No New Hurts. He will try to continue to get his emotional needs met by both of you even while he's gone. Don't be his emotional blanket and don't continue to do things for him that a wife would do. Let him see what it's really like without you and while he's figuring out exactly what kind of dog does this, you will be healing and getting stronger. If he comes crawling back, it will then be your decision whether or not you want to be with someone who could do this to you.

Get some Ensure or some sort of health shake in case you can't eat. Remember to drink water. You will get through this. It will be agony at first but minimal contact with him (only about kids and finances) will be vital to getting through your own withdrawal process and beginning to heal.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 9:36 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4144 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hearthache again
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Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going through this. You did not lose this fight. You were blind sided and he did not fight fair.

Please read up in the healing library. You need to protect yourself emotionally because if this turns out like most A's he will try to come back. You need to be in a good emotional state to make a good decision if that happens.

This is your spouse dealing with his own demons. You can not fight them for him. So focus on you and your children now.

Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!

Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I cried when I read your last post.

Sorry you are going through this, it is a total sXXX.

One thing you must realise, you DIDN'T lose the fight. He is the one who lost.

Go talk to your councellor. Do not talk to him or her. Their relationship with you is toxic for you. The only way to can start to heal your self is to remove yourself from the healationship.

I know you are a woman of faith. Use that faith to get you through this situation

Posts: 159 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no, and no. He must cut off all contact with the OP immediately, and if he is reluctant to do that, he is still in the fog, and still involved in the affair, at least emotionally. Your marriage will never heal with her in the picture. He must understand this, or you need to start a 180 and see an attorney. Sometimes you have to play hard ball to get a cheating spouse to let go of the fantasy. So, so, sorry you are dealing with this double betrayal. It is so painful. Hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
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Member # 37247
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain all too well. Please know you are doing the right thing by sticking up for yourself and your needs.
If you don't do that, you slowly lose your integrity and yourself. I spent lots of time giving my WH the benefit of the doubt and not demanding that my needs get met and justifying his inexcusable behaviour. It got me another d day and now we are seperated. Notice this is almost 2 full years after DDay number one.
You sound like a nice, giving person with a good heart. And you are a mother of two very small children. Having youngsters is stressful enough, and now dealing with this mess. I get it and it sucks big time!
Your emotions will change and you will be completely heartbroken. Just remember to know if your relationship can survive, you have to be willing to lose it. Just let go and breathe. You should not be the one doing the work here. Sure, he left now. But that doesn't mean he won't come crawling back as soon as he realizes what he lost. By tha time you can begin to heal together, or maybe you will decide to heal on your own.

Stay strong. Hugs.

D day Sept 2011
D Day # 2 March 15, 2013 (he never stopped the first affair, it went underground)
Me BW 36
Him WH 37
One little guy: 26 months
Status: Seperated, Divorcing

" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
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Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just lost the fight. Tonight, after reaching out for your advice and resources, before I could stand on my own two feet and say NC - he told me he is leaving.
I am devastated.


You must hurt terribly right now. But you have to stay strong. There are several things you must do:

1. Tomorrow see a lawyer. File for divorce. You can always stop the divorce proceedings later if you wish.
2. Have the locks changed on the house ASAP
3. Enlist some help and bag up his belongings and put them on the side of the house for him to pick up.
3. NC = no new hurt. Crickets. DO NOT engage in a conversation with him. DO NOT think he can still have both worlds.
4. Out them. Their "love" exists only in a dark hole of deceit, like a cockroach. It is unlikely to survive long when exposed to truth and light.

At this point your WH should only get to come back if he has gone total NC with OW by his own doing and comes crawling back begging.

DO NOT PLEAD WITH HIM. That will only give him power. He who is most willing to walk away has the most power. Walk away now. He is expecting you to be back up plan B. When you show him you are not, he will panic.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2012
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Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Honey I was also married for about 6 years when I caught FWH in an EA (probably was a PA - who knows?). That was about 25 years ago, I guess. 1988 maybe???

He convinced me that they were "just friends", that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and should just "get over it". At the time we had a 2 yr old daughter.

Time went on. We had a son. The quality of the M deteriorated I tried to fix everything, be a good wife etc etc etc.

Fast forward to about 2004. He was a total arsehole. I had stayed "for the kids" and had been trying for years but gave up.

Started making exit plans (without his knowledge). The grand plan was to leave in 2008 when our son finished high school.

Unfortunately our 17 year old son was diagnosed with an incurable potentially fatal illness in 2007 so I put the exit plan on hold for his sake.

Fast forward to 2010. Dday. He had been screwing lots of other women for most of our M. Multiple consecutive and concurrent LTAs - no wonder he was an arsehole! he had to be to justify his dumbfuckery!

Sadly there are many stories like mine here on SI. Do not become one of them.

Now he is begging me to let him stay. I am the love of his life.

Big deal. What happened to MY life???

Time for an ultimatum.

"WH choose me or F... off!!!! I deserve a H who is 100% mine. Your whore may be prepared to share you with me but I won't share!!!"

That's basically what I told my FWH when he begged me to let him stay when I confronted him. As far as I know he has had no contact since.

Will I keep him?? After 3 years I am still not sure. I have invested many years in him, our family and our life and am still trying to decide what is best for me.

Excuse my bluntness but this prick should be kissing your feet and begging forgiveness. He should be a blubbering, sobbing mess.

You deserve better. Every woman does.



[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:45 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me many months to realize that what posters like Isadora are saying are true. When STBXH stomped out the last time, I was really convinced that I had lost the greatest love of my life. I thought I had failed him, instead of the other way around.

What it's taken a long time to learn, is that it's him that lost and him that made foolish choices and ruined his life. He's made his life far more complicated than fixing things with me and I think maybe at some point, your WH will have this go on, too.

Now STBX has cheated on OW and it was with me and he is trying to clean up messes with that person while fighting me on visitation and divorce. So you see, it will take a while to realize, but it wasn't you. It also sounds like you have a similar situation, where you haven't been given much or any information to work with, on your WH's part.

I'm really sorry for your hard time. I have children also and DD is getting caught up in his drama and I hope that won't happen for yours.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
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Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TGL...If you don't impose NO are going to loose your "in the fog husband". He wants both of you. You need to make it a dealbreaker, and IMO, if you don't, your marraige is over...unless you decide an open marraige is the thing for you

Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
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Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((TGL)) You have SUCH amazing advice here. Do the reading that was suggested even though I know your ability to concentrate is at nil.

PLEASE take care of you right now. Your H is going to come out of this fog and then you can decide if you want him back in your life.

You are smart. I can tell by reading your posts that you brave too. Take things one moment at a time.

HUGS TO YOU, girl.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2441 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
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Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


First of all, I'm so very sorry. Betrayal is traumatic, & will wreak havoc on your body & mind. Keep a close eye on yourself, & don't hesitate to talk to your Dr. if you need help with anxiety, trouble sleeping, etc. Your faith, water, small meals, family/safe friends & loving on those sweet baby girls - these things will get you through this.

Read Josephine's post above - she's given you great advice. I know it's hard to think of this right now, but seeing an attorney ASAP needs to be at the top of your list. I'm assuming you all are young, so as sickening as it is, you need to consider that he could get her pregnant. Your attorney will see that YOUR children will be first in line to receive any child support from your WH. He is a broken man-child right now. You cannot trust him to make any correct decisions re: money, his own children, anything! Let your anger rise up & get you through these important steps, then surround yourself with loving, safe people so you can grieve for a while.

We will support you every step of this painful journey. Sending you hugs & prayers for strength & comfort.

[This message edited by putonahappyface at 8:38 AM, June 7th (Friday)]

BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 27 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)

Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetheart, you cannot have lost a fight that you didn't even know you were in. You didn't lose this fight. He walked away from you. In defiance of God, decency, and all morality, he broke his vows to you and your children, and then stomped them into pieces. This was not your fault. Nothing you did or did not do, caused him to cheat on you. This was a decision that he and the OW made, all on their own. You had no part in it.

Now is the time to circle up the wagons and take care of your beautiful children. It's hard, we all know, but right now, your only obligation is to yourself and your children. You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

First off, you must see a lawyer. Your WH has left you and your children. He is not thinking of you, of them, or of "family." He is thinking only of the OW and the Amazing Unicorn Fart World That No One Else Has Ever Had In Their Life. And to that end, he will spend money that is needed to support you and the children, he will buy her stuff, he will take her on trips, out to dinner, liquidate your assets, and decide that YOU need nothing because, after all, he is in LUUUURVE! So you must go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are, petition for sole use of your house, and serve him papers so that the finances that you will need to take care of your children are frozen and he cannot blithely throw them away.

You need to open a new bank account with your name only on it. You need to transfer 1/2 of the money out of your joint account (or more if you find that he is spending money on OW) so that you have cash on hand. And your lawyer needs to get temporary CS and SS set up so that you are covered. If you have joint credit cards, you need to cancel them, even if it means that he finds himself stranded. This is taking care of your family. He can open his own cards. You do not want to find that he has wracked up 20, 30, 50 thousand bucks on those cards that you are jointly responsible for. It has happened cancel the cards.

And change the locks. He should not be coming back to the house without your permission because he's a liar and he will strip the house of everything that you need to live. It's happened. If you have an automatic garage door opener, unplug it or put it on lock. If your lawyer tells you not to do this, well then, "lose" your keys and re-key out of fear that a stranger will come in while you're there all alone with your babies.

I am so very, very sorry. Truth is, you cannot nice anyone back to you when they are firmly focused on their fantasy life. You have to get up on your back legs, firmly go forward as if you will be walking a path alone, and take care of yourself and your children first. The man that you loved is essentially dead right now. There is an alien wearing his skin walking around it looks like your husband, but it isn't. You have to protect your family from that alien. (((hugs))) Please come back for support often. We all care about you.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you today GreatestLove?

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TGL - Please come back. This is not over. We can help you through this.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot

Posts: 644 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
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