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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Saw some crap on his phone last night
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^Excellent advice^^

Also don't let him try and blame you. This is not your fault. You are not responsible for his choices..and an affair is a choice. A conscious,deliberate,cruel act of abuse. Do not allow him to say he did it because you did/didn't do "whateverbullshitexcusehegivesyou". No marriage is perfect. No wife is perfect. But he had options. He chose to cheat.

Good luck,honey. Im so sorry you're here,but Im glad you found us.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7369 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing:

Never ask questions that he can answer with a " yes", " no", " I don't know" , " I don't remember" or " I am not sure".

One poster advised you on some great questions to ask. One of the questions was: Have you been physical with any of these women? This question could be answered with one of my responses above.
Instead, I would ask the question as follows: How many times have you been physical with these women?
Phrase your questions in such a way that he MUST give you an answer.
Make a list of your questions ( I sure did) because you may forget to ask some.

Before you start questioning, DO make it clear that you will not accept " I don't know" or " I don't remember " answers. He MUST remember. ( they love these responses, trust me) Even though you will warn him in advance, he will try the " I don't remember" routine. Don't budge.

The VAR is the easiest of all the spy equipment to use. I would advise you to have a VAR on ready to record the confrontation. Have it in your pocket, under the sofa, somewhere but DO NOT tell him. Later, when the confrontation is over, you can listen to it again because in the emotional state that you will be at the time you two talk, there will be many things you may not clearly remember.
You got some excellent advice here....you should do great when confronting.


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 863 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so very, very much. This weekend with him was so tense, I was very snippy (I couldn't help it!), he kept asking what was wrong: I said I didn't feel good, which is the truth! My stomach and chest pains are a wreck (yes, I called my doctor).

I could not find the VAR automated recorder, but found one that is small I will press record for the confrontation. I don't know how I'd get one in his car since I cannot find the voice activated one.

My main concern is his cellphone, I went through his phone again, it's the 'google plus' think like facebook. That's how he is messaging. Maybe I'll post about google plus since I'm not familiar.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a PM.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7369 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much. I'm getting my 'ducks in a row' for the confrontation. That's what I'm really worried about, how to start it. I think it's just google plus but what if it's more? I only have evidence of that.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have access to his google+ account? Do you know who these women are now?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 847 | Registered: Jun 2012
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only access his google+ acct on his phone. I tried to figure out how to find his account settings, but could not. Any idea how to on a Smartphone??

I did look at both of the women's profiles on google plus, they are definitely 1000s of miles away in diff time zones according to their profiles and chats with him. That's my fear, he'll think it's fine since it was not 'in person'


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's my fear, he'll think it's fine since it was not 'in person'

What do YOU think? Do not worry what he will think.

Do you think its fine that he do this? Of course not. Just as he wouldn't be 'fine' with you doing it.

Google how to get the information off his particular type phone. Gather your evidence and confront.

Just because he may not have physically seen these women does not mean he isn't being unfaithful to your marriage. He is.


Posts: 769 | Registered: Sep 2010
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you now know who these women are, see if you can tell from their profiles who their BHs are.

Contact their BHs BEFORE you confront your WH. You want other eyes on them. If you confront your BH first, he will warn them and they will gaslight their BHs.

Tell the BHs first and they can snoop and find their own evidence.

Betrayal is doing something in secret that you would never do in front of your spouse. Your WH has betrayed no matter how he may try to spin it.

When you confront, I would sit your WH down in front of your computer, you hold his phone and then demand he give you the password to his google+ account. Then you look at it online and check his email for evidence while he is sitting there. Make sure you have his phone in your possession when you confront.

I am so sorry you are going through this confused615. Come down hard.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was not tossing my WH out on his ass when I saw he was perusing Match.com. He had no chat history with any women, but it was the precurser to his A. It was indicative of his wayward mindset and how single he actually felt. Instead, of me being firm I ended up apologizing for looking on his computer. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!

Do not let your WH rugsweep this. It is serious. He is looking outside the marriage for validation.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 847 | Registered: Jun 2012
neverwantedaWW
♂ Member
Member # 36015
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, stay strong. It's not easy to confront, but you will feel better.


Me: BS
WW EA/PA with coworker
DD OCT 14 2011
Married 19 years.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2012
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please gather as much information as possible. I confronted too soon and ended up in false reconciliation for over a year. The one night stand he confessed to was actually 5 women over a four year period, some ONS others long term. And as I did not learn the actual truth he continued with the behavior.

Don't make assumptions about what he would and would not do. I was shocked by what my WH was capable of doing and then lying to me about.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many thanks for your support and advice! I only know the 2 women's google plus profiles, could tell they are married by the messenger chats, but I have no clue how to contact their husbands.

I'm definitely not assuming what he is/is not doing, I'm making sure I have proof of it all that I can find, hence why I have not confronted yet. Although for my physical health, I need to soon!

I truly appreciate all of your advice, I seriously don't know how I would've survived this past week without all of your help!!

[This message edited by Saddayforus at 5:00 PM, June 10th (Monday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for everything! I confronted him last night and he admitted to everything and was tearful and appeared remorseful. Of course I have my ducks in a row, but at least he didn't try to deny!

We a had looooong talk and he definitely wants to stay together (so do I), and, he took it upon himself to message them no contact and deleted the app from his phone. Of course I will be keeping my eyes open, but now what is the next step?!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In order to R he needs to:

Be remorseful...remorse is all about you and helping you heal..it isnt selfish..that's regret.

He must get tested for STD's..with the results sent to you..you get tested also.

He must go to IC to figure out why he did this.

He must be 100% transparent..he gives you full access to all of his accounts and cell..passwords included...if he has a work phone/email..you get the passwords..PERIOD.

He answers all of your questions with complete honesty..no blaming you or becoming defensive.

He takes 100% responsibility for his choices.

He is accountable for his time when he isn't with you.

And anything else you need to heal. he needs to understand it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..it's an emotional rollercoaster,he needs to buckle up.

He needs to be patient and understanding and realize the gravity of what he has done.


One word of caution..you said he admitted to "everything." I promise you,he didn't. He is going to lie and minimize..that's what they do. Be careful of oncoming TT.



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7369 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^You have some very good advice here. There is usually more, and overstepping each boundary gets easier for someone with a Cheater's mindset. It's good that you will be vigilant.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much. He does appear to be truly remorseful, he kept apologizing for hurting me, not being selfish.

I meant to say that he admitted to "everything" I meant everything that I was already aware of and had evidence of....then I asked what else, and he said that was it. I'm afraid of TT, that's for sure, hence why I'm keeping an eye out on top of things. He deleted the app, but I'm going to be checking his phone a LOT!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apologies are easy...what do his actions tell you? Is he doing anything from my previous post?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7369 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((saddayforus)))

I was in the position of my WH admitting only to what I confronted him with.

THere is more, I have found it. I haven't shared with him that I know these things. He has been given multiple chances to confess and multiple "get out of jail free" cards, but he hasn't ever confessed.

I pointed out to him and his IC that the chances of me batting 1000 and finding EVERYTHING there is to find is next to nil. WH still denies and IC thinks I have an odd attitude since WH insists he has told me everything.

Know that there is probably more. Pay very close attention to him. Make sure he isn't out of bed at night while you are sleeping, etc.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 847 | Registered: Jun 2012
Saddayforus
♀ New Member
Member # 39465
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does not know what I found and have evidence of, I did not tell him. I purposely kept it vague and said "I know you've been chatting online on Facebook" (I knew full well it was google+, but I wanted to see what he'd say!) and he did tell me it wasn't Facebook, it was google and he showed me his phone. I did not tell him that I already saw all of it and have pics of it! I was saving it for in case he tried to deny it, but he didn't, thank goodness. Of course I'm keeping my eyes open, though!!

I did audio record last nite (thanks for the tip!) and will be listening to it when I have a free chance.

He has taken 100% responsibility for his actions, and he did not blame me for any of it, so those are good signs, BUT, this all JUST went down last night, so it's too soon to tell. I'm proceeding very cautiously!


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are good signs SDFU!

Ask him why he had a need to look outside the marriage for validation. This is what he has to figure out and fix.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 847 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 60
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