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User Topic: Other BS woman out there childless stepmoms???
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious how many of us BSs are also childless stepmoms to WHs kids. I think it presents a particular set of struggles...

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For sure, but don't forget that the A is due to the WS's issues. There's very little, if anything, a BS can do to prevent an A - only the WS can do that.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
headVSheart
♀ New Member
Member # 39422
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stepmom to my WH's 2 young kids. Their biological mother is a mess (former drug addict, been arrested and in and out of jail several times) so WH has had full custody for the past 4 years... Which translates into me raising them and being the one they call Mom. When he first told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce, he had no plans to keep me in the kids' lives (since, at that time, he was convinced he wanted to be with the OW). It felt like I was losing everything: not just my husband, but my whole family. I had put so much energy into creating a supportive, loving, stable home for these kids who couldn't get that from their real mother. I dedicated so much time to being a great mom to them, and it felt like that was all for nothing. On top of feeling that my marriage was a failure, I felt like I had let the kids down. I felt like I was just another woman who was going to leave them.

Now that i know about the A and some time has passed, my WH says he has realized that the A was a huge mistake, resulting more from problems he has with himself than problems with me or the M. I am still not sure how I feel or what I want to do. I live every day still being a mom to these amazing kids, but knowing that it might not always be this way. It is heartbreaking in so many ways


Me: BS, 27
Him: WS, 30
OW: business partner (now former)
Together since 5/2008, Married 9/2012
Kids: 7 and 8, his from previous marriage
D-Day: 3-27-2013 (said he wanted divorce), 4-17-2013 (admitted to PA)
Attempting reconciliation...

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fit your description. I am married to my second H, who has five children from a previous marriage (didn't end because cheating, different circumstances).

I, too, feel that this type of situation is very different from most - particularly because I don't (and at this point, will never) have kids of my own. It's not easy when you're thrust into a stepfamily where you have no idea of what or how to handle things with kids - and, worse, you're expected to lay off when it comes to discipline but the kids can treat you any old way because "you're not their parent".

Definitely a different set of challenges that not everyone gets or understands.

[This message edited by Fireball72 at 5:53 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Cyzygy
♀ New Member
Member # 39437
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a stepmom but not childless. Have you seen secondwivescafe.com? It's online support for second wives and stepmoms.

(((HUG)))


Me: 37, BS
Him: 39, WH
Married: 6 years, together for 9 years
2 boys, ages 3 & 4, he has a 15yo we never see
DDay: 5/21/13 (OW is a coworker at Walmart...he quit on Dday.)

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Columbus, OH
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not in this position, nor do I know anything about step parenting.

But the thought of losing a whole family is heartbreaking.

For BS who decide to R - can you do a post-nup or some other contractual agreement that provides visitation or even joint custody (esp. when bio parent is non-custodial) in the event of a D? I'm just wondering if there is a way to protect yourself.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding seeing the kids should we split: Stepparents have no legal grounds for any custody - even if the parent dies. That said my stepkids are 18 and 15 and I would likely maintain a relationship independent of either of their parents.

Regarding the source of my personal pain around this: I sacrificed having my own kids for WH. I have been through HELL for those kids having our relationship flip (with me and them) from deep love, to hate, to acceptance, to love again. Their mother has made my life a living hell. I would never in a million years live where I live if it were not for the joint custody arrangement. I can't believe how much I sacrificed for him/them.

And yes I am now past my child bearing years...


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would depend on the ages of your stepkids, and what kind of a relationship you have with them. In your situation, I think you could probably remain in contact with them if you decide to end your marriage (that is, if you get along). With younger kids, that might pose a bit of difficulty - it will depend on the mindset of your (X?)WH and his XW. Since you'd said that his XW was a few bulbs short of a chandelier, you'd be dependent on him as to whether you'd see them or not. Not an enviable position to be in, for certain.

That's the hell of being a stepparent, I've discovered - you really do pour your heart into your relationships with the stepkids, but if something goes wrong... you have no legal recourse (as in visitation, etc.). The only way I'd see that happening is if you were literally the only parent they'd ever known, you know what I mean?

I don't envy you your situation. It's got to be heartbreaking.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was, for 6 years before the A. Gave up my entire life to try and make my steDs lives better.

I used to say that I thought I was "meant" to be a stepmom, not a mom. FWH wanted to have children, but I wanted to wait until all of my stepDs were adults, so that 1) they would not have to share the precious little time they had with their father and 2) I would not have some crazy XW interfering in my child's life (she was prone to drama, harassment, and making scenes).

When my FWH had his A, and OC was conceived, it was particularly painful because I did not have a child of my own (or should I say, OW made sure that it was particularly painful by rubbing in that they shared something that he and I did not).

My FWH introduced my stepDs to OW during the A, and even had them hide it from me. After the A, the OW found them via social networking and continued a relationship with them, via the XW. They are all still VERY close (spend holidays together) and my stepDs no longer see their father.


6 years out from this, and we now have a child of our own, but the pain of losing my stepDs still hurts so much.


ETA:

"I have been through HELL for those kids having our relationship flip (with me and them) from deep love, to hate, to acceptance, to love again. Their mother has made my life a living hell."

^^^THIS. I relate to this SO MUCH.

[This message edited by Want2help at 2:50 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2289 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Topic Posts: 9

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