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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: That damn pedestal....
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't recall asking to be put on one.
I don't understand why I was put one.
I was not told I was on one.
Had I been told, I would've jumped my ass off of there in a heartbeat. I don't deserve to be up there. Nobody does. Why? Because we're human. We're flawed. We make mistakes. We will disappoint. We will hurt. We will falter. We will fall and the higher we are, the further we fall, and the harder we land. We shouldn't be put on a pedestal nor should we put others on one. JMHO.

This isn't a vent - it's just a random spewing of goo from my brain. Be blessed..

[This message edited by MissesJai at 10:46 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I remember that convo with SO where he told me he thought of me as perfect, I could never do wrong because I always did everything right. I remember saying "are you nuts!?" I chose a horrible way to fall but I was going to fall no matter what. Perfect? WTH I've never been perfect. I'm flawed because I'm human, I never even knew he had me on a pedestal until I fell off it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never even knew he had me on a pedestal until I fell off it.
that was the exact same case with me, Unagie. That shit pissed me off. Why the hell would anybody put me up there? Sheesh.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate although, I think I knew I was up there. I also knew I was going to fall off and I definitely made it clear it wasn't built for me.

At some point the pedestal got changed for a tightrope.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At some point the pedestal got changed for a tightrope.
I understand that too, Sienna. That's a perfect description of my first M.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
ashamedWW
♀ Member
Member # 32507
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MissesJai - I was in the same boat as you. I never had any idea my husband had me on a pedestal until he expressed this to me after DDay. Maybe I was naive or just stupid but I was clueless. I have reiterated to my husband so many times how he still forgets I am human. I screw up. I make mistakes. I hurt. I get angry. I am human! I hate he had me up there for that reason. But I hate more that I hurled myself off that pedestal and set the dang thing on fire with my infidelity... It just sucks.

Edited for grammatical errors

[This message edited by ashamedWW at 11:33 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Married - 9 years
Children - 2
D-Day - March 2011

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jun 2011
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, this whole thing does suck.
hate more that I hurled myself off that pedestal and set the dang thing on fire with my infidelity
I understand..that said, you shouldn't have been in a position to hurdle yourself off of anything. You didn't belong up there. Only perfect people belong on pedestals and well, we all know that person does not exist.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is correct that you should not do this. No one is perfect, even though love makes one look through rose colored glasses. It's the love that makes you see past the faults and only see the person as your soulmate or the right one. It is within this that we forget to apply true logic and realize that no one is perfect..no one is without fault or faults.
Real true love can make you look past weight issues and bad habits, balding and missing teeth. However that love should not be the kind to stamp perfection on someone who will never truly be perfect.
Love can be blind, but it's not stupid.
As with material things, it will be the same with humans, anything you put on a pedestal will fall..it may take years but it will eventually decay and fall.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love can be blind, but it's not stupid.
Indeed...


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Raises hand*

BS here. I had no idea I was up there, or that my FWH needed my approval so badly that he was afraid to admit he was depressed, afraid to rock the boat by being vulnerable. I thought we were a marriage of equals. I certainly saw myself as flawed and imperfect. I thought he saw me the same way: as a real person.

If I'd known I would have asked him to take me down. I'm not comfortable there.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I'd known I would have asked him to take me down. I'm not comfortable there.
I can totally relate. I see this afflicts both sides - BS & WS.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we both had each other up there.... not sure why.
I was so sure of him and he of me. our MC always says we married people with feet of clay....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4522 | Registered: Dec 2010
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think love is an action not a 3rd party to a relationship. We choose to love stupidly or blindly. Love isn't the Jack Ritter of the relationship or marriage.

Its when our actions and choices are from a healthy centered place the the act of loving another or ourselves is an awesome thing.

MJ, good topic.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can totally relate. I see this afflicts both sides - BS & WS.

I think a lot of it does. Boundaries are an example. We often say that waywards have bad boundaries when they cheat, and I think that's obvious, but while I had "good" boundaries when it came to protecting my marriage from outside influences, I sucked at setting boundaries with FWH. I accepted some things I shouldn't have, and tried to take on responsibility for things that were not mine. My therapist has talked about how my tendency to take over may have shown my FWH I didn't trust in his competence. I had no idea I was sending that message and to be fair to me, it was part of a long FOO issue (you can't rely on anyone but you. If you ask for something and it was not done or done wrong, they never intended to do it, so you'd better do it yourself. Etc. etc.)

Oh, and of course now that I think about it, how much of that pedestal did I build myself? When I took over things from him, did it make him subconsciously think that I was uber competent? That I would be disappointed if I knew his flaws?

It's just one big mess of dysfunction and while I think we could have got here differently I guess we're lucky to have a chance to try just being two people choosing to work together, despite our f'duppedness.

(Sorry for a bit of a t/j. I guess I'm in a stream of consciousness mood today.)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1725 | Registered: Nov 2010
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pedestals scare me. Even outside of infidelity, it feels like it encourages the same negative patterns. Like external validation. When you feel like you have to perform or like you have to balance on the pedestal or tightrope (I like that, Sienna), then you are constantly looking for the validation that you're still up there, still "doing it right". Unstable.

I know I fell, because my father and grandparents voluntarily aren't in my life anymore. But then, I wonder if I put them on a pedestal as well - up until recently even, trying to think of a way to "win" the connection back, thinking that their standards for living must be absolute. But what if the pedestal requisites weren't healthy to begin with? Considering that said requisites advocated pedestals rather than solid ground, they probably weren't.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:39 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Sienna500
♀ Member
Member # 38832
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think it can be like a tightrope, with my husband and kids in the audience cheering and the thing is, I never wanted to do it and I haven't been taught how. Falling was just a matter of time.

I said this exact thing to my H tonight. I'm not perfect and thinking I am is just plain wrong.

What is they say, you lust the perfections and love the imperfections.


Me: WW 27
Him: BH 28
M: 5 years, together 8
3 kids (aged 3, 4 & a baby born 5 Sept 2013)
3 ONSs in 2 weeks
DDay: 20 Jan 2013 (a week after)

Posts: 200 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: UK
cpacan
♂ New Member
Member # 35883
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you that pedestals sucks - at least when you put someone up there without noticing it. I partly did that with my wife. I don't think that's the reason she decided to cheat, but it's one of the reasons the betrayal and pain felt so unsurmountable.

On the other hand, I see the majority of you makes it your disclaimer: "Hey, I never said I was perfect". Disclaimers suck as well - I expect my coffee from the coffee shop to be hot, even when the sign doesn't say anything about temperature.

I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but is it bad, unfair or unrealistic to expect faithfullness?


BS (me): 47
WS: 44
Together for 27 years...
2 kids, 12 and 9
DD: april 2011, 9 months PA

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2012
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see what you're saying cpacan and that's how I saw it at first- I thought- what I think you're awesome so you're going to prove you're not?!

But then- I thought of that feeling of being scared to disappoint- of trying so hard that you neglect other things- then that feeling you get when you're not managing to live up to expectations that for me makes me feel unhappy and gives me a 'is the grass greener over there' feeling- now for me it's only with work I get that feeling but I think I can see how it can happen in a relationship- if you feel you're not doing something right sometimes you want to go where you feel you can- if you get me. I think I can see that pedestals create confidence issues and some people might look for an ego boost elsewhere.

If they're up so high on a pedestal- you stop seeing who they are.

Just my thoughts.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Dance4Me
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH was placed on a high moral pedestal by everyone that knew him. I was constantly told by family and friends how lucky I was to have him as a H. He is that nice of a guy! I always felt like I should be grateful (and I was), but felt like others didn't feel he was lucky to have me! Lol

When a person falls (like my H did - he feel hard and far too), the pedestal was knocked over big time. My H is human, like you wrote MJ, and now everyone that "knows" thinks HE is lucky to have ME! And he is....

No more pedestals for us...or for anyone we know.


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2009
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't expect anyone to be perfect, but is it bad, unfair or unrealistic to expect faithfullness?
No, not at all. IMO, there is a huge difference between expecting someone to be faithful and placing them on a pedestal expecting nothing but perfection - only to be utterly and completely, shocked when they don't deliver. That's one hell of a pressure cooker.

Here's my $.02 - I believe EVERYONE is capable of cheating. EVERYONE. I don't put anything past anybody. It's not that I don't have faith in humanity, it's more that I know, with the utmost certainty, that humans are capable of anything - and as a result, I'm not so shocked when shit happens. So, does that mean if INAB were to cheat on me I wouldn't be hurt? Absolutely not - but being hurt and being completely blindsided and shocked because I put him on a pedestal and made myself believe he would never, ever do something like that are two different things. That's JMHO.

I see it here ALL THE TIME on SI. A BS, hurt, shattered, devastated, knowing full well the consequences of infidelity, goes out and has an RA. This same BS will say "I never thought I would do something like this. Never." Well, when I read posts like that, I say to myself, "I'm not surprised you had an RA" - why? Because this BS is also human - just like their WS. This BS made some of the same mistakes a WS made. This BS isn't perfect and whole. This BS has baggage and FOO and all that shit, just like their WS. The title "BS" does not equal saint. Sorry, it just doesn't. That's just reality and I prefer to live there.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 11:06 AM, June 7th (Friday)]


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 40
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