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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Breaking the ice?
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH and I are on really bad terms. He left me, never looked back, and lives to torture me through the kids. He's not remorseful in the least. He's a cruel fuck. He's also spiteful and stubborn. And I have a lot of anger. A LOT of anger. I never knew I could feel such anger and hatred for another person. So a combination of his spitefulness (and anger toward me for ????? lord only knows what) and my anger toward him makes for a very icy, horrible non-relationship. The problem is, is that this hurts our kids. We can't be in the same room, he fights me on visitation and tries to spite me by non allowing right of first refusal...you get the picture. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he will never break the ice. He will never apologize and mean it. He doesn't get it and never will. I don't feel like I have to offer an olive branch because I didn't do anything wrong but I don't want my kids to hurt either. IDK.... you know what I'm trying to say? I wish I was classy and cool headed and could easily mask my anger and hurt. I haven't been able to that yet.

Has anyone been in this situation with your ex? Is there anything I can do without compromising my dignity (more than it's already been compromised) I'm thinking something small like maybe texting him a pic of the kids or something.

Idk...Am I making any sense?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1559 | Registered: Aug 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

Read this--over and over. This is the way to handle an asshole and hold your head up in front of your kids.

You can do this.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19781 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ruined.. first, I love the tag line! It says it all about the WS and especially the unremorseful WS.

Your idea to send a text of the kids (picture) is a good and low key idea. No comments, just share an occassional picture of them doing something.

Now, dealing with his anger and spite. IMHO, igntore it. I have learned (though do not practice it in my own relationship with stbxww as I should) that anger takes two (just like lawyers) to work. If anger is ignored, then it is like flailing at the wind and dies out quickly.

So ignore his disregard of following the right of first refusal as I doubt your protests have changed anything. And his spite only works if it bothers your, or specifically you let him know that it does.

Good luck!

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 405 | Registered: Sep 2011
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sad In Az. Good advice. I've never had the issue where he was trying to talk to me about anything except the kids though. When I say he left and never turned back, I mean he's NEVER turned back. (I swear that is the part about all of this that hurts the most) Ugh... This sucks and it's hard and this is my life for the next 12 years!


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1559 | Registered: Aug 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The point is that you don't let him get to you; you treat him like a stranger--don't engage, don't expect anything, just, "Sorry you feel that way"; "That's interesting..." Noncommittal and unemotional. He's beneath your contempt and you couldn't care less what he says.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19781 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to treat him with indifference yes. Like the checkout girl at Publix. Small polite "thank you's" and "good to hear". It's business-like but won't get him going. It's been what three years for you now? Time to move on from him. He's still taking up way too much of your headspace. I actaully go days now without thinking of her. Yeah it still hurts, but it is what it is. This week she took my son and one of his friends down to Disney after the last day of school. A year ago it would have bothered me. Now...I really could care less. My feeling? I know she hates going to Blizzard Beach with two tweenies! LOL But hell...this is the great new life SHE wanted!

I think it's time for you to slip down into New Beginnings.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:39 PM, June 7th (Friday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI R and B,

I'm sorry for your anger and frustration.

Yes, I deal with this every few days.

I have worked very hard to put "myself" away...that is, to shove deep down inside the anger and rage I feel at that man, who makes "rules" and continues to not do them, in re. to DD and their visits.

He interprets everything rather than "JUST DO IT!!!", I wish to scream this at him, like Nike tells us.

I cannot be in the same room as him either, for the reasons you describe and others.

The anger...oh, the anger feels like fire inside and I feel my face heat up (not from rosasia for once!). I feel suddenly like I am physically strong when it comes, but I go and exercise or something instead. I put the electronics down so I won't communicate, for it never, ever helps.

We are in D process and I feel the anger when correspondence comes from 'them', because Perv or his incompetent L is putting things as my fault that are Perv's responsibilities! So this only fuels my anger.

When I have a beef-grievance-about or two him, I do not contact him in any way, shape or form. I have a friend and a cousin I lean for that and I also journal the stuff that causes it and show L instead. It really helps when I calm down to do this, for several reasons.

-I've kept NC.
-I've not shown that man any emotions.
-I've made a list that judge may see eventually and that matters more than me being able to yell at him. He won't care if I do that and it may even be an ego boost, if he knows he upset me again.

I won't get an apology either, I don't expect any. I expect him to go away, for what I get is silence when a problem is past.

Also, if you can take deep breaths and count or something prior to replying, it really does help. I never, ever reply right away anymore, because my emotions spark so high. Sometimes just seeing his real name on my phone sparks it now.

I'm sorry to be so long and yes, I am in the same place.

I wish you some brief minutes of the peace that you seek and then for them to grow.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 7th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,

I have no kids with my ex, (thank god)... so I can't speak to that, but your other comments resonated with me.

I too have a remorseless ex, who as you said NEVER looked back. He was not sorry, even as I sobbed hysterically to him on D-day. He was annoyed and irritated that he lost control of the timeline on when to pull the marriage plug, but nothing more. At first I agonized over this. I was jealous of the people whose WS's WERE sorry, who said they loved them, didn't want to lose them etc. How I ACHED to hear all of that, or ANY of that!!

But finally I realized that this was the best way things could happen for me, as nuts as that sounds. Because I firmly believe my exWH is not willing or capable of changing who he is. He was never going to end his affair. Stating he wanted a divorce and giving no option of "saving" the marriage was the only HONEST thing he did, out of everything that happened. Realizing that took some of the hurt out of it for me. Because given this scenario vs a repeat heartbreak after false R, I will choose this way every time.

Regarding anger.... I've had a lot of it. Here's the mantra I wrote down and repeat to myself when I feel anger getting the best of me:

Remember anger is like metal:
HOT anger says: I am weak. I melt and drip downward. I can be pounded and manipulated into whatever the other person wants. I damage the person holding onto me. I protect nothing.

COLD anger says: I am invincible. I am strong and hold myself upright. I cannot be pierced or bent to another person's purpose. Anything thrown at me deflects back to the person who threw it. I protect the person holding onto me, until she doesn't need me anymore.

Hope it helps. HUGS to you through all of it!!


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 659 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same situation with the exception of my STBX looking back...he looked back just long enough to rub some salt in the wound whenever I gave him the chance.

I have just had to accept that for now, we can't be in the same space. He did so much horrific shit and has ZERO remorse. I couldn't tolerate being around someone who did that to someone else so I certainly shouldn't expect myself to make the exception for someone who has done that to me.

It would be much better if we could get along and salvage a friendship for the sake of our kids. However, the only effort he has made has been to make our relationship worse. The cheating was just the tip of the iceburg compared to the heartbreaking crap he did and said AFTER the affair.

I love my kids, I want the best for them and right now it's "best" if their mother (and primary caretaker) preserves her sanity by staying away from their crazy-making father.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my IC told me that anger is really just grief in hiding...it helped me understand my anger.

It is grief that he turned away from you. Grief in losing a relationship and dreams. It just manifests in anger.

Now, when i feel angry, I stop and look at what is really bothering me and try to deal with it. If EX is acting like an ass...I just and walk away. Seriously. I do.not.engage.

As I like to say...you can wish him to be someone he is not. You have to accept that he will never see the damage, never apologize, never. It was seriously 3 years after d-day before I saw any sort of apology from EX that was even vaguely from the right place. But it was still all about him.

Whatevs.

When it was really bad in the beginning, we went to email communication only.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4007 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it was really bad in the beginning, we went to email communication only.

I couldn't agree more. I've insisted on emails/texts and I believe it has really helped my healing.

No more adding fuel to the fire. He still yanks my chain every now and then but it doesn't send me into a spin like it used to.

I don't agree with sending him pics of the kids. IMO if he's being such a colossal arse no 'olive branch' will fix it. NC might - no fuel to the fire.

Remember this - we can't control the fuckery they pull but we can control how much we let it impact our lives.

Fake it till you make it. One day you'll realise you're not faking it.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 11

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