Being back in the house, fixing things up, cooking for the kids, almost acting like I never moved out is so sad and depressing. In a way, it's been a very good lesson. A lesson on how to show love, unconditional love. I am doing this because I promised my H I would support her, and do whatever I could to help her through this, and be with the kids. I, for once in my life am doing what I committed to do, not what I feel like doing. I am actually, authentically, enjoying being a support for my W. It is likely the first time I have really helped someone so much without expecting something in return.
In my weaker points during this time, I think, if only I can do this perfectly, or help her more, this will all be fixed. W and I actually spoke about this, had an honest talk about how I am feeling. I told her how I am feeling... That i still have a strong attraction to her, emotionally, physically, romantically, and she honestly told me that the romantic and physical attraction for her is dead. It hurt to hear it, but I was able to listen and not shut down emotionally like I had done in the past.
So what I am left with is figuring out why I have a romantic attraction to someone who is not available to me. Why can't I be happy for the relationship that I have with my W as it is? Why can't I be happy with what I have? Why can't I let go?
Are you really asking why? I ask because you have done some great work here and to do that much and still be asking... Or are you just having a bang my head repeatedly against a wall for my stupidity moment?
I am familiar with banging my head for the same reason. As well as at concerts...
I am actually, authentically, enjoying being a support for my W.
I'm sorry you're hurting at the same time.
[This message edited by knightsbff at 8:11 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]
I am both asking more whys and getting some great insights; how I have used humor as a mask to say things in a joking manner that I am afraid to say honestly, how I chase unavailable people, etc. but a fair amount of head banging on wall too, thinking who the fuck have I been for my entire life and why has it taken me so long to figure it out.
why I have a romantic attraction to someone who is not available
Part of me wants to say that this statement sounds very important for your healing in general. The other part wants to say that it makes sense, because you can't just switch off your feelings. Do you feel like you're more attracted to her because she's unavailable?
You're doing the right thing helping her through a tough time and I respect you for it. Try not to get bogged down in feelings of "maybe this will make her see that we belong together." You are simply there for her because you care. That's a good person to be.
Sorry you're hurting.
[This message edited by longroadhome at 7:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
how I chase unavailable people
Its easy to be emotionally unavailable to unavailable people. A fantasy world where you can "play" the guy that has emotions but never have to actually do it.
For me it was being KISA or getting the validation that I was a good guy that allowed me to pretend I was a great guy. Lord knows I was too scared to show or share real emotion, conflict, love. The normal everyday stuff healthy people live in everyday. So we enter the matrix and construct patterns that will feed that hole, rinse and repeat. Trick is to identify the holes and fill them from the inside out.
Do you feel like you're more attracted to her because she's unavailable?
That is what BW thinks, I think it is more that I am finally opening myself to feel. Feel all emotions including love. I also think I am finally seeing what real love looks and feels like. But what I need to learn is that I can show love to someone, and not have to be sexual or romantically involved. I need to separate Love and Sex
For me it was being KISA or getting the validation that I was a good guy that allowed me to pretend I was a great guy.
Me too. I did all the stuff that made me look good, so that I would look good. I volunteered for everything, I helped in the classroom, everything I thought would make me a better person, but the rot was coming from the inside.
But what I need to learn is that I can show love to someone
How do you do that when you can't do it for yourself first?
Yep, and yep.
I like myself sometimes, but can't say I love myself and can fill that void by myself yet.
Self care for myself is something I need to get much better at. I am learning, and getting better at it. Taking time for myself, not beating myself up 24/7, asking for help when I need it, but has to be more consistent.