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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out H is cheating for 3 months.
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married over 10 yrs., in my 40s, 3 kids, twins are only 8 months old, he had been an awesome H in the past, we both hard working, had a very busy life, recently found out H chatting online with a Philippine girl, he flew there and met her, he is going there again.

He told me he loves her, she is so poor and sick in hospital all the time, H need to comfort her, I asked to go with him, he refused.

I lives in Canada, not sure what to do next, divorce right away? Or Drag as long as I can, as he wants to marry her and brings her here.

What is the right I have, how about asset we have, house, car, biz?
I am lost and sick in stomach, hurt badly.


[This message edited by Blackhair at 11:53 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
MissD
♀ Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch, not where you wanted to be today I'm sure. I have no answers for your questions and bet you will have tons more questions in the days ahead, and SI is a great place to get answers.


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. File for Divorce.

He is putting the ass on burning marital assets.

FTG.
If he gets
Remorseful

in that time you'll have time to decide.
but for now?
hammer down.


Posts: 6529 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need a lawyer NOW. I don't know the divorce laws in Canada,
But it sounds like he has abandoned you and left the marital home. Get some legal advice and change the locks on the house, pack up his shit in garbage bag and leave outside front door and tell him any communication will be through your attorney. 180 him immediately.
Do not talk to him until you know your rights.
So sorry you are here. Be strong.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
housenotahome
♀ Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome BH. Call his bluff and file. At the very least talk to a lawyer and they will let you know everything you need to know. You sound like a hard working independent lady. It sounds like he is going through a Knight in shining armor phase(KISA). He needs to be needed. This is not your fault. He does not love her. He loves being needed. Please read about the 180 in the Healing Library under frequently asked questions for BS.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has really fallen for the usual scam. She will bleed him dry and have him supporting her family. When he finally wakes up he will regret this horrible mistake. However, you need to move on, perhaps your filing will wake him up, if not you are already on your path to a better future.

He isn't thinking clearly, giving him time will only prolong his cloudy thinking. Do not let him decide your future, he has already made a decision for himself, and he didn't concern himself about you. You can't nice him back. Show him how strong you can be, and that you don't need him. It will shock him.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2938 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
NowWhat106
♀ Member
Member # 35497
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry he's being such an idiot. You have to protect yourself and your kids financially. This is a complete scam that he's falling for, and you have to be careful or he may lose a lot of your money in this.

Consult a lawyer ASAP and find out how much of the joint assets you can move to a separate account in your name or freeze.

Where is his compassion and care for his own young children and their well-being? Asshat! So worried about someone that he doesn't know at all, while he's using his family's resources to make an idiot of himself and robbing his children of a father and a two-parent family.

While he is in this state, you have to protect yourself and your children from him. It's hard to think of your H as your enemy suddenly, but that's what he is right now, an enemy capable of doing great harm to you, your children, your family.

Cut him off, especially financially. See how much in luvvvvv she is when he can't spend any money.

Not to alarm you, but I know a woman personally whose father moved to the Phillipines and married his OW only to be murdered by her and her adult son within a year for his money. My friend was in and out of the Phillipines for two years going to court to get them locked up and protect her dad's estate.

Please see an attorney and start protecting your assets for your children's sake and for your own.


Me BS
Him WS
LTEA with old HS GF from 25+ years ago
DD #1: 10/6/2011
DD #2: 10/21/2011
2DS under18
Status: We'll see.

Posts: 273 | Registered: May 2012
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blackhair,

Contact an attorney immediately: You must protect your marriage assets, home and money for your benefit and the benefit of your children.
Your husband is in "the affair fantasy" and is not thinking straight.
He's probably being conned by this OW - and there's no way this is "love."
LOVE is not based on internet chat...lies...deceit..and a one-time-meeting for adulterous sex.

You can decide on divorce later; but you need legal help now; and protection of all your legal, marriage assets: Perhaps an attorney can freeze bank and credit card assets.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your replies. It is very tough with three kids at this young, I am not working since I had the babies. Always think I should try to be nice and win him back as I don't want my kids grow up without dad.
But he is getting worse and worse, even told me he loves her, as she is so simply and never complain.
He wants to help her to come to Canada and find a job. One more question, should I take out all the money in our shared accounts? As I need it for next little while, like lawyer, living expenses for kids, baby sitters, etc. Very tough, never prepared for this, it comes so quickly. Cried a lot. Need to read the 180.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blackhair))))

Your H has abandonded you, and is trying to have the best of both worlds, making you the caregiver for your kids, and his maid and cook for home. This is not OK. You can NEVER love or nice someone back. He needs to be knocked out of his affair fog immediately.

See a lawyer as soon as possible. I don't know what is legal, and not legal in Canada, maybe you can google it, but in the US as a married couple your have right to 50% of money and assests in most situations. So I would say take at least 25% of the money to do the things you need to to get good answers.
I would tell him too that if he chooses to go to her again, do not plan on coming back to your home. He is no longer welcome there while he treats you like a doormat, and "loves" another woman.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need help or advice ASAP.
H went to Philipine again for the second time, he was so messed u p now, he will get up at mid night texting her, he has his own Skype a/c, I am very sad and desperate but a lot calm now, i think more straight now, wonder if possible to get some counseling for him would help, his parent and brother are all mad at him, but he just won't see it, I want to try to help whatever way I can for our twin boys, they are only 8 months old, any way can help him to get out of the fantasy world he is in I will do it! Just because we spent 10 years together, he has been an awesome H. D is my last option, am I being to naive?


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Counseling won't help while he's this deep in the fog. Talking won't mean anything. The only chance you have to get through to him is to do something completely shocking to him. That means do all the things the above posters suggested.

This doesn't mean you're giving up on hopes that he'll emerge on the other side of this serious fantasy insanity. It means that you are showing him he isn't the man you married or is the father to your children. You need to protect your children WAY more than be nice to a man who is blatantly choosing something/one other than you guys.

Kick him out. Don't let him back in the house after this trip. Secure the finances. Make him have to face the reality of what he's choosing.

I'm so sorry, Blackhair. We all know how painful this is. Everyone WANTS marriages to be saved here, if at all possible. But you won't help him by facilitating what he's doing by being nice.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
whensitover
♀ Member
Member # 31207
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to look after YOU now, and YOUR children!! Take as much out as possible, because there is a good possibility he will take it and use it on her (travel expenses, etc) If he has no money then he can't go see her. I would do whatever it took, turn off his cell phone, skype acct, everything that would allow him access to her, I would shut it down. ((blackhair))

Posts: 447 | Registered: Feb 2011
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not being na´ve you are hurt and scared. All perfectly understandable.

I would say move money if you can. He is spending your money to fly to the Philippines! This can't be cheap!

Does this Philippine girl know he is married with kids? Can you get into his Skype account and contact her?

This sounds like a crazy scam. She wants to get to Canada and is using your husband as a sugar daddy. Is he not concerned about the children at all?

180 his ass now. I know it is hard but you can't fix him. You can't make this okay. He has to wake up and get some help.

Protect you and your family. Look out for you because he certainly isn't.

I am so sorry. Hug your babies and move forward.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:18 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for all your advice, the Philipine girl knows he is married, she is married too and have a 8 yrs old son. But she told Him her H abused her, she was raped, sick in hospital all the time,etc.

It is just not easy to take the step. As it means my kids won't have a "daddy". I guess they already lost their daddy now.


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for all your advice, the Philipine girl knows he is married, she is married too and have a 8 yrs old son. But she told Him her H abused her, she was raped, sick in hospital all the time,etc.
I used to be able to trace all the contact between them, but not as much as he got his yahoo messenger on his laptop and new Skype account I do not have access, I cost couple of hundreds on the bills for skype and phone bill for last couple of weeks,, but I do have control of all our finances, thanks god!
BTW did all 180, great support here, now i am very calm now. Scared Yes!
It is just not easy to take the big step. As it means my kids won't have a "daddy". I guess they already "lost " their daddy now.

[This message edited by Blackhair at 7:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to not rock the boat won't get your children their Daddy back. He is gone in his mind, he is fixated on this girl. Start the paperwork on a divorce. You don't have to follow through if he pulls his head out of his arse, however, perhaps he will finally wake up to what he is sacrificing so he can be a (KISA) knight in shining armor for this woman.

You can't nice him back, it will only drive him further away because the guilt forces him to be stone cold to you so he can continue to do what he is doing.

You need to 180 him, don't do his laundry, make his meals, pick up after him or cater to his wants and needs. Ignore him, don't initiate conversation, answer any question from him. Don't engage. He is firing you from that job, show him what that feels like.

Until HE begs you to let him come home, shut him out. If he changes his mind about her, he is the one who needs to do the work to repair your M. Don't make it a soft landing for him, don't let him rug-sweep this mess away. If you do you will suffer the rest of your life, while he merrily goes on his way happy as a lark.

Be strong. Offer to pack his bags for him, while asking where he will be staying. Also you will be finding out how much CS and possible alimony he will be paying you. (He needs to realize all his income isn't going to be available to provide for his new sweetie and her family), he has responsibilities that come first, namely you and your children.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:07 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2938 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Blackhair
♀ Member
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight H talked to me that he loves that girl and want to marry her and bring her to Canada, he wants to settle with me without using a lawyer fighting crazy.

He wants to give me a bit more assets and share custody no CS to pay, he even suggested we call still live on the upper level while he and that girl lives in lower level, I said no way.

We have more properties, biz, 3 kids, what is the best for me and kids, I do not ever want to see H, but it is not fair for the kids, going to meet D lawyer tomorrow!

Gosh! Very scared, never strong enough for this, please help!


M: 10 years
DD:5 DS Twin: 2 yrs old
DDay: Earlier 2013, WS flew/met many times with a Philippine girl found online (20 yrs younger)
SA finalized 6 months after DD. divorcing...
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he wants to settle with me without using a lawyer fighting crazy.
He wants to give me a bit more assets and share custody no CS to pay, he even suggested we call still live on the upper level while he and that girl lives in lower level, I said no way. ]

Wow, just plain wow. Well I am Canadian and I can tell you, you are entitled to half of everything, including child support and as a stay at home mom, spousal support. Get to a lawyer ASAP.

He is trying to con you into doing what he wants, of course he doesn't want laywers or to pay child support. He wants to live in his fantasy world with his old family upstairs and his new family down.

Time to get mad, time to march over to the lawyers and put an end to the fantasy world. Do not let him bully you into anything less than what you deserve. I get angry just reading your story. You can't nice him back, he isn't going to change his mind, your children do deserve a father, but they don't deserve the crap he is trying to hand them.

Let us know how the lawyer visit goes, and don't wait a minute longer.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
ConfusedAbudhabi
♀ New Member
Member # 29763
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Blackhair..))
I have not posted in a while, but always lurking.. There are a lot of good people here who can give you good advice..

Sent you a PM..


Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2010
Topic Posts: 46
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