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User Topic: R-Looking back what would you have done differently?
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wish I had created boundaries from the beginning and stuck to them when he fucked up.

I made the mistake of not creating clear boundaries, and not following through. I got trapped in a cycle where for a while, he had a "I can do what I want, she isn't going to leave me," attitude, which sucked.

Hell, I think he still knows that I'm not going to leave him. I'm not great at boundaries, and I'm worse at follow through.

Set very clear limits on what you will and won't accept, and don't be afraid to walk away if he doesn't respect those.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have kicked him out rather than immediately agreeing to R. He never really had any fear that I would leave.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1495 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


For me and me only I wish I could of divorced and moved on. But I had kids. So I had to think of my kids.

We all have our reasons for staying. Just be honest with yourself as to why you stay.

Make sure he answers all your
questions that you need.
Make sure he writes a timeline out for you in writing. I got none of the above from my WS.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cds - Setting boundaries with an SA is imperative. No offense to Rocky but every CSAT we have dealt with has said that there are to be consequences tied to the boundaries. The consequences don't have to be as severe as divorce. Such as porn viewing being we will sleep separately until such time as there has been a month of sobriety from that. My SA doesn't use porn, so that isn't really an example we used. There are very clear boundaries that I will not engage sexually unless I feel that my SA is present and working his program. A boundary is supposed to be about self protection, not controlling the addict.

The main thing I would have done differently, per my SAs treatment center, is to have had very clear boundaries much sooner. It is appropriate to say that I will not have my SA sleep with me or touch me, unless I feel safe and he is working a program. This is about my safety and security and not to punish or control him. If my SA has any sexual contact with another person, he must move out. I will decide when and if he would move back in. So, if the boundary for you is that if he has any other sexual contact, it means divorce that is ok. Just make sure it is really what you are going to do, before you set that boundary. Setting a boundary and not keeping it is worse than setting no boundary at all, with an SA.

DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. The MC asked about my boundaries in our session and if I had thought about that. I told her I made out a MS Word document a month ago with boundaries and consequences and I review it periodically so it will seep into every pore! My H really wants to see the document as he is now petrified he will unknowingly violate some non-obvious boundary. Unlike others I suppose I have been fortunate in the sense that the H did hit bottom, was and is terrified he will lose me, and is full force committed to addressing his and our issues.

As for divorce as a consequence. Certainly it will break my heart. But, yes, if he has sexual contact (sex, intimate touching, etc) with anyone again then I am put a fork in it done! There is just too much health and emotional risk to me and I won't raise my kids in an environment of out of control addiction. I think it is very likely I can make a good life for myself and even more likely than not that I will have another (healthy) romantic relationship . .. I would like to do that while I am still relatively young. I have talked to my accountant, reviewed my legal options, and even revised my current homebuying plans to purchase something I can swing on my income.

Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ Member
Member # 33952
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I *did* kick him out on DDay, best decision I made in my life. It set the tone for everything that happened after.

My only regret was not keeping him out longer, he moved back in pretty fast. Not that it would have changed things much, but for the longest time I regretted not making him "suffer more", living without us longer.

Me - BW. Able to feel happy again. Sometimes.
Him - FWH. He did the unfuckable
3 superstar kids - light of my life
OW - used to be one of my closest friends
A - lasted 1 year
DD - Jan 2011

Posts: 207 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39068
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would have got Angier,,, I was trying so hard not to get angry,, not only did I not kick him out, I didn't even make him spend a night on he sofa, but the result of this was that when the anger I was trying to contain caught up with the pain and fear it was a huge shock for both of us and just so much harder to express just how angry I was, I think that anger needed to be set loose much sooner.

D-day 1 august 1st 2012
D-day 2 October 31st 2012

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ Member
Member # 19408
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have insisted she leave on DDay#1.
I would have refused her phone calls.
And I would have told the OM's betrayed wife what I knew and suspected that day she called me.

Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
♀ Member
Member # 31042
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have left immediately. The months and then years of pain that followed have been heart wrenching. Even if we ended up back together maybe things would have gone differently. We had so much TT and a roller coaster that landed on suppressed hurt and no real communication.
A lot of things to do differently but I think leaving and finding my strength would have helped.

Him 36.
3 little girls.
He ruined our lives. Currently married and trying to make the best life for my children. There is no hope for us but I have hope for them.

Posts: 713 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Not Portland, Oregon... But close
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stood up for myself, been independent, not so afraid that someone was trying to take my wh and my life. I should have handed it to her and let her have the REAL person he was than.

I should have left sooner or kicked him out( I tried but he would not leave) should of been stronger and not afraid is what it boiled down for me. I wanted to keep my family together and fix out issuse. However, you can't do that while wh is in A or in A mode. After 3.5 LTA and it was on it's way of fizzling out, we chose that someone had to leave the house. I chose to leave because the house triggered me so bad.

We now are seeing where all this goes. What is hard is this.... I am in love with the man I want him to be. I know we could be even better than we were, but he has to change and want that for us also.

On the other hand, I like that I am getting stronger after 10 months of seperation, yes, we see each other and spend time together but I like I have my own! I make my own choices and do what I want. I am truly think if I would not have left, I would still be in the same boat emotionally and mentally.

Boy, looking back, I would have CHANGED so much and not been AFRAID of the unknown or thinking "She can't have my WH"....

This is a good topic.

I wasted so much time that should have been meant for myself to get me right. But, I stayed in the drama, hoping and praying for God to convict his heart and bring him back. And that I guess was not in the plans because wh has free will.

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is fascinating how many of you wished you had kicked out the wayward for at least a period of time.

Every situation is unique, waywards obviously differ in their attitude and the extent to which they require a wake-up call. Though to the extent some of you seem to be beating yourselves up a little I wanted to give you my perspective. I wad very decided from the beginning not to kick out my H even though I desperately wanted him out of my space. I have two young kids, one of whom has childhood anxiety. In my situation and in my view, on the separation question I needed to "measure twice and cut once." My son in particular would have been traumatized by having his dad moving out of the house, back in, and possibly out again. If my husband leaves the house it will be for good and I knew, and was advised, that I couldn't make that decision in the early and highly emotional months. Also, I sort of feel like I have limited control over my husband's character -- he has to recover and treat with me respect or not. What I suspect in the stories is that kicking the wayward out isn't all that likely to change the wayward's behavior directly *but* it can be an empowering and self-focusing act for the betrayed spouse that sets the stage for respecting their needs in the R process.

Anyway, I hope this topic hasn't been painful for posters. I honestly thought when I posted I would get stories about how date night or imago or taking up a sport together speeded R along. That said, I appreciate hearing the truth!

[This message edited by cds22 at 12:13 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 51
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