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User Topic: WH is "traumatized" by his A
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I have been trying to be more indifferent to my WH lately as it seems to be an at least temporary way of dealing with the on going pain, I explained that it helps me cope.

He thinks that this is a good thing because by doing this it allows one to cope with everyday life and not become obsessive about whatever is causing pain.

That is obviously how he deals with things,

I asked him if he would give the same advice to his recently bereaved BIL. He said yes, life must go on.

I told him that it is not so simple when one has experienced a trauma.
.
He said that he is also traumatized by the events following dday. He has had to face the fact that he has been living two lives even if one was "real" and the other was not. He has had to face the consequences of his actions ( something he never thought about before). He also has to deal with the fallout of the discovery of his affair, my reaction, that of our children and also his business partners who had to deal with the leaving of a long term employee who also acted as the office queen bee (MOW), and are pissed at WH because he jeopardized the company (possible lawsuit/sexual harassment charges)

Poor baby. No wonder he is traumatized.

I am at a loss for words. Am I being harsh and unreasonable or is what he is saying utter bullshit. Or maybe totally, self absorbed wayward thinking.

Your opinions are appreciated.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 7:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Feb 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boo frigging hoo. If he had kept his pants zipped then NONE of this trauma would have happened. My heart does not break for him.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4544 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, how I love having the opportunity to share this. My daddy taught me this years ago.

Tell your WH that he can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

Good Lord!


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2654 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
BIZZYBEEZ
♀ Member
Member # 37645
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH has talked to me about how his A has affected him. He no longer likes the man he sees in the mirror. He knows this is all on him & his piss poor coping skills & is working on himself. He's told me he too feels traumatized by what he's done but doesn't want or expect sympathy from me as he doesn't deserve it. I feel bad for him sometimes but not enough to give him a free pass. He did this - he needs to fix it.


BW (me) - 47
WH (him) - 39
DDay - 10/22/2012 (worst day of my life)

Learning to breathe again - one day at a time


Posts: 235 | Registered: Nov 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh what a baby! Oh, he's traumatized? Good Lord, get a grip. Go fucking tell it to your therapist, moron. You don't know the meaning of traumatized, Assclown!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9233 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Athena1979
♀ Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he wanting sympathy from you or is just trying to communicate his thoughts or is he trying to get a free pass?

We all must take responsibility for ourselves. He has to take responsibility for himself.

I do very much love the quote of "if he wants sympathy, look it up in the dictionary..."


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also has to deal with the fallout of the discovery of his affair, my reaction, that of our children and also his business partners who had to deal with the leaving of a long term employee who also acted as the office queen bee (MOW), and are pissed at WH because he jeopardized the company (possible lawsuit/sexual harassment charges)

I know how you feel as this is exactly how our situation played out to a T.

No you are not being harsh and unreasonable. They are traumatized by our reactions and they can't face themselves or what they have done to us. My WH is the same way.

I say he is saying utter bullshit. No one bullshits better than a bullshitter


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The difference is he caused the "trauma" to himself. No one forced his pants down, he wasn't raped. Your trauma was done TO you. You didn't ask for it nor did you want it.

Is he traumatized by all the fun gone out of his life?


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 616 | Registered: Jan 2012
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poor thing. Does he want some cheese with that whine?


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He repeatedly chose the A. You had no choice or voice. FTG.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:39 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2896 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He is allowed his feelings, just as you are yours.

If he didn't feel traumatized, guilt and remorse.. well hell at least he he's out of the fog, right?


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he actually comparing his emotional state to someone whose spouse died?

No sympathy here. His "trauma" was solely by choice.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 993 | Registered: Mar 2012
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell your WH that he can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

I'm sorry; much as I tried I could not find my tiny violin to play a song of sympathy for him.

Don't think you'll find many here on "his side" - tell him to take his pity party to IC and sort it out...that's not your job.

(((((Fighting)))))


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4944 | Registered: May 2007
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While he is certainly entitled to his feelings- whatever they may be- they cannot be the driving force if he wants to recover. He needs to nut up.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Sep 2011
Topic Posts: 14

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