Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Realisation that helps with NC
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might sound silly or possibly nasty, IDK, but it is something I have now realised that has helped me to stop lashing out. I couldn't get the NC = no new hurts for me because I saw lashing out as a way of venting the toxins he inflicted. Ergo, he deserved it.

what I am realising now is that I don't want to lash out at him. I now think to myself "what if something I said helped him improve and become a better person". I think, for me, what I truly want is for him to continue his life unchanged. I know I cant and don't control him but I can control my out bursts.

So, at the end of the day, he doesn't deserve my pain or realisations. Not because he doesn't deserve a lashing but because he doesn't deserve to be able to use me to make himself a better person. That really is something he needs to do on his own and something I need to stop doing for him. It is a hard habit to break when you have played the role of being his enabler or problem solver for so long.

Feels good to withhold life lessons. I can now just concentrate on me.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Douchebagfree
♀ Member
Member # 39267
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, at the end of the day, he doesn't deserve my pain or realisations. Not because he doesn't deserve a lashing but because he doesn't deserve to be able to use me to make himself a better person

This really hit home for me.100% true.
I too have struggled with not getting angry and giving him the lashin he deserves. My biggest ah ha moment was realizing that he was passive agressive. Suddenly, EVERYTHING made more sense.
What I've come to realize is that I actually feel worse, when I allow him to suck me into his little mind games. Do you feel that way too?

Sounds like you've had some major ah ha moments yourself and I truly believe that even though we've all been dealt a nasty blow, that we will come out of this stronger than we ever thought we could be.


Until then ...... Crickets.


Sometimes you have to stand alone, just to make sure you still can.

Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this POV. Too true!

But just like vengeance/justice the goal is that when it does come I will no longer care either way.

Visualising ego kibbles for him when I do break NC seems to work for me a vast majority of the time.

You're doing amazingly well friend. Take the time to congratulate yourself for that.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4508 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, at the end of the day, he doesn't deserve my pain or realisations. Not because he doesn't deserve a lashing but because he doesn't deserve to be able to use me to make himself a better person. That really is something he needs to do on his own and something I need to stop doing for him. It is a hard habit to break when you have played the role of being his enabler or problem solver for so long. Woo Hoo!! Yay!! Happy Dance!! Cheers!! I LOVE these insightful moments, don't you?

I CAN NOW JUST CONCENTRATE ON ME!! <<< When I got to that point, I could breathe again.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1830 | Registered: Oct 2012
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There came a point a few months out from D-day when I realized that I was tired of being ex-shat's conscience. I was the one holding him to a higher moral standard with my inability to maintain NC.

Quite frankly, that fool doesn't deserve any residual goodness from me...except to see what a fabulous kid Teslet is (and really, I don't even believe that he deserves that).

I wish that amoral bastard goodspeed in his quest for a moral compass...may his path lead him over a cliff.


ish kabibble

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks all

I do love those ah ha moments.

I feel like I have had so many of them its like a string of industrial size fairy lights and I worry about the power bill


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 714 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for these. NC was/is a major struggle for me, one of the biggest ones.

One thing that's "helping" me in a bizarre way is that if I spiral downward and tell him something personal, he hoards it like a squirrel or chick- munk and uses it against me, for his benefit. Each time pain comes again is another lesson.

Another thing that helps NC is when I was able to really, truly realize that this man honestly does not care one iota about me or my life.

Another thing that helps the most is the nightmares and mind movies, include OW in them with me in a cage, or me drowning and her cackling and I imagine every time I contact him for anything, he runs off and tells her and they throw darts at my picture or run over my blow-up doll. Not giving an iota of "ammo" or reason to continue complaining/blaming me is the number one thing...it's empowering for me to know that I can remove myself from it, but the strength it takes, I don't always have.

For the situation Perv made, Tesla really hit the nail on the head. (Thank you for finding the right words). He was trying to be someone he was not when he was with me and it took a long time to learn that. He even said it the last day he walked out, in manner of speaking.

I also make a small game with myself, and give a small reward for the longer time I can go without any contact from my end. Now it is largely him contacting me, which I find very interesting.

And if I see his name on my phone as new, I find myself saying "Oh, no! What now?"

IC said that's a beginning to healing?


Ashland 13

The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
npain
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurts, you are just where I am now--I have decided to be civil to STBX and move on with my life as NOTHING I can say at this point will make him grow a conscience, or integrity for that matter. So I am spending that energy on taking care of me and 2 little kidlets who are doing fairly well despite.

I realize that although he may be doing well now, his secrets are going to rot him eventually.


S,beginning D

Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.