what I am realising now is that I don't want to lash out at him. I now think to myself "what if something I said helped him improve and become a better person". I think, for me, what I truly want is for him to continue his life unchanged. I know I cant and don't control him but I can control my out bursts.
So, at the end of the day, he doesn't deserve my pain or realisations. Not because he doesn't deserve a lashing but because he doesn't deserve to be able to use me to make himself a better person. That really is something he needs to do on his own and something I need to stop doing for him. It is a hard habit to break when you have played the role of being his enabler or problem solver for so long.
Feels good to withhold life lessons. I can now just concentrate on me.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
This really hit home for me.100% true.
I too have struggled with not getting angry and giving him the lashin he deserves. My biggest ah ha moment was realizing that he was passive agressive. Suddenly, EVERYTHING made more sense.
What I've come to realize is that I actually feel worse, when I allow him to suck me into his little mind games. Do you feel that way too?
Sounds like you've had some major ah ha moments yourself and I truly believe that even though we've all been dealt a nasty blow, that we will come out of this stronger than we ever thought we could be.
Until then ...... Crickets.
I love this POV. Too true!
But just like vengeance/justice the goal is that when it does come I will no longer care either way.
Visualising ego kibbles for him when I do break NC seems to work for me a vast majority of the time.
You're doing amazingly well friend. Take the time to congratulate yourself for that.
I CAN NOW JUST CONCENTRATE ON ME!! <<< When I got to that point, I could breathe again.
I wish that amoral bastard goodspeed in his quest for a moral compass...may his path lead him over a cliff.
I do love those ah ha moments.
I feel like I have had so many of them its like a string of industrial size fairy lights and I worry about the power bill
One thing that's "helping" me in a bizarre way is that if I spiral downward and tell him something personal, he hoards it like a squirrel or chick- munk and uses it against me, for his benefit. Each time pain comes again is another lesson.
Another thing that helps NC is when I was able to really, truly realize that this man honestly does not care one iota about me or my life.
Another thing that helps the most is the nightmares and mind movies, include OW in them with me in a cage, or me drowning and her cackling and I imagine every time I contact him for anything, he runs off and tells her and they throw darts at my picture or run over my blow-up doll. Not giving an iota of "ammo" or reason to continue complaining/blaming me is the number one thing...it's empowering for me to know that I can remove myself from it, but the strength it takes, I don't always have.
For the situation Perv made, Tesla really hit the nail on the head. (Thank you for finding the right words). He was trying to be someone he was not when he was with me and it took a long time to learn that. He even said it the last day he walked out, in manner of speaking.
I also make a small game with myself, and give a small reward for the longer time I can go without any contact from my end. Now it is largely him contacting me, which I find very interesting.
And if I see his name on my phone as new, I find myself saying "Oh, no! What now?"
IC said that's a beginning to healing?
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I realize that although he may be doing well now, his secrets are going to rot him eventually.