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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Things couldn't be worse. Plz lemme wake from nightmare
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story is so ridiculous that I have to confess if I was reading the same from someone else posting it, I simply wouldn't believe it...or I'd think the author has mental issues and doesn't realize his faults or understand what he's doing wrong.

The worst, I mean THE WORST possible outcome happened today. At our disclosure meeting the children's lawyer went on and on for over 2 hours blaming me for crap (most of what they blamed on me was actually what WW was doing) or accusing me of basically being a bad parent and even came as close as legally possible to stating they have concerns about what kind of father I could be as I'm disabled. Then when it came to WW, they basically absolved her of everything and even her biggest blatant crap she pulled they somehow made it my fault.

I left the meeting as soon as it was over even tho my lawyer wanted to talk to me. I managed to stay quiet the entire meeting and not show any emotion but knew I wouldn't last much longer so I left...and I bawled all the way home...so hard I could barely see the road through the tears.

All the way, I kept asking myself...how the fuck is this possible? Please, please, please just let me be dreaming and wake up to realize this last year was not real. Since that isn't going to happen I started seriously thinking things over...could I really be a bad person? Was I so awful a husband and father that I drove my WW into the arms of another man who should now also have my children? Am I really to blame for my kids being mad at their Mom? Are my kids really afraid of me or act differently around me...instead of just being themselves? Is there something really wrong with me (besides my disability)? etc. etc. etc.

The children's lawyers are actually recommending sole custody of my children to their mother.

Writing that last sentence again has me bawling. Wtf just happened?!!!

The people that know us well all say I'm a good person and a great dad. Almost everyone that knows us well is disgusted with my WW. Even some people we've known for years have come out to tell me they never really liked my WW and her actions don't surprise them in the least (yet I still had the urge to stick up for her....again, wtf?!). I've even had strangers in our small town come up to me to tell me they see through my WW's bullshit and tell me to hang in there. I don't understand anything anymore and I'm so fucking confused.

The children's lawyer only visited the kids and I one time in my home back in Jan. for less than 2 hours. Apparently they've been to WW's home several times. They never contacted one family member on either side - all of them, ALL (but WW's father...maybe) want me to have the children and are sick of WW's actions, but again...not surprised either. If they had contacted even one random family member they would have had their eyes opened at least a little.

My kids are taken in by POSOM's fancy house, new vehicles and motorcycles. I guess they haven't figured out that he and Mom buy them toys often but that they all have something in common....they keep the kids busy and out of sight, out of mind.

I've posted some of the shit my WW has pulled but probably the biggest, worst was her leaving the kids and I for 4 FOUR months! That was explained away as her not having suitable accommodations for the kids during that time. Really?! She took her fucking dog though.

I could go on and on but there's no point anymore. I think I know where things went wrong somewhat but don't know how to fix it, if I even could. I also know I need a better lawyer, a MUCH better lawyer than what I have. I'm on legal aid though so don't have options...and I guess you really do get what you pay for.

All the times I've bit my tongue....sometimes really hard....to avoid saying anything bad about the kids Mom or to correct shit they told me that they obviously learned from her...while instead repeating my mantra of "these are grown up issues and you guys shouldn't really be involved in any of these types of discussions...Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you and this isn't your fault at all." or some variation thereof. I stuck so much to not bad mouthing their mom and keeping things in....and I know it was the right thing to do but now it looks like it payed off for Mom not to do this anyways. She accused me of telling the kids all kinds of crap and the children's lawyer believes her. How is this fair? How is ANY of this fair?

Sole custody....to her.

In Ontario Canada, by the looks of most cases I've reviewed, it seems that judges always believe and follow the children's lawyers advice. I'm done....I don't know how to recover from this. I'll still keep fighting but I'm alone it seems while for sure the WW will be gloating today and for the future. Ha! The funny part (sad funny I guess) is I bet anything my WW doesn't even want sole custody! She was using me as a glorified babysitter and even tho we share the kids now I still have them more than she does - by her request...and I highly suspect she just wants the kids enough to gain financially and to hold onto any shred of respect as a mother that she thinks she needs.

Actually, the worst thing she did and continues to do is neglect the medical needs of our DS12. If at any point today she came close to getting any trouble, it was when that came up. Instead she got a warning that she should never put that off. Despite all the warnings she's previously had...the children's lawyer almost seem sympathetic to her in saying that they realize its hard to find the time for everything but that she can't neglect this. I'm a single father....and I ALWAYS find the time for my son. Again, wtf?!!!

To anyone who was following my previous post....zero resolution by my lawyer about his asst. He babbled a lot about it but seemed to be passing it off as a mistake by an overworked asst. and it's his busiest time of the year. I gave up there too....again, I'm on legal aid and don't have any options really. If he wants to continue to employ someone who may leak confidential matters to others and possibly even sabotage cases due to friendships or whatever this was....I guess it's his prerogative. Yes I realize this seems so outlandish that it's unbelievable too. All I can promise you is everything I write is the truth....what would be the point of my making any of this up?

I so foolishly even held onto a glimmer of hope that today we could have resolved everything and I'd finally have the kids and the right to move back to our hometown. Out of everything I imagined....it never, EVER crossed my mind that the recommendation would be sole custody to my WW....and that now my fight may be just to hang onto my kids for any bit that I do have them. How is this even fucking possible?


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Do you guys have anything like custody evaluations there? Those are much more in depth than what you're describing. And do your kids have a therapist? If so, maybe his or her advice could be sought? If not, I think one is in order ASAP. I'm just so sorry.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call the law society of upper canada immediately.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 729 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
september rain
♀ Member
Member # 18855
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pk,

I am so very sorry; as a parent myself, I cannot imagine having to deal with what you're going through right now. The fact that you were able to keep quiet and controlled while the lawyers were spinning their bullshit against you shows your level of integrity and character. I know that may not be much consolatino right now, but people do see it and it's far more important than you might think.

I just went back to read your other thread, and, as someone who's married to an attorney and who was once in the legal support field myself, I am truly beyond appalled and disturbed. It really sounds to me as if your suspicions may be a lot more than just paranoia and that some collusion has possibly occured between the assistant and your WW.

That would certainly not be the first time that's happened in a law office. Medical and legal offices are supposed to be hallowed halls of confidentiality, but the dirty little secret that most people don't want to know or even think about is that leaks and collusion and breaches of confidentiality happen in those offices a helluva lot more than you'd think. And they're fairly easy to get away with if you know what you're doing and how to cover your tracks. Since those of us who have worked in or are married to people in the law (or both, in my case) are a lot more realistic than those who haven't/aren't, I'd say that, regarding your suspicions, where there's smoke, there's fire. It just seems too convenient that your WW would always know your plans and things that happened way before you'd tell her, but after you'd told your L.

Her blatant lying about who'd requested the water quality report in the well situation should have gotten her ass fired; in every legal office I've worked in, had I or a colleague done that, our asses would have been fired pronto, no second chances, period. As they SHOULD have been. I just do not trust this woman, and I don't trust your L, either. That was NOT a "mistake", that was a blatant, deliberate lie.

You need a shark who will really fight for you, and not just one who will go through the motions of a case just to get it done and off his desk. I do NOT care how "busy" or "overworked" an L is, they are to vigorously and zealously represent their clients to the utmost of their ability. I've known attorneys who are so busy that they could easily work 24/7 and still not be done, yet they were always vigorous advocates for their clients. Any L who uses the excuse of busy-ness is not to be trusted or used, frankly.

Your L should have been jumping all over the children's L's and their so-called "report" and "recommendation", not the least being why didn't they more fully investigate insteaad of just taking WW's word for everything? When I was a GAL, I'd talk to EVERYONE I could get to on both sides and visit both homes frequently, as well as all of the other investigative stuff. I am especially suspicious of the blatant one-sidedness of their report, given your description of the situation. This leads me to believe that there is more than something to your suspicions of collusion.

I'm particularly irritated at your L's reaction to it, his simply dismissing it as a mistake due to busy-ness. Bullshit. If he were worth anything, he'd have immediately started investigating it, especially if he were interested in keeping his license. The sad truth is, as I've said, to people who are not in the legal field, your suspicions may seem to be nothing more than paranoia. But to those of us who are or have been, they aren't at all, I've even seen things like this happening in offices I've been in and so has hubby in some of his workplaces. It is NOT entirely uncommon. It is one reason why the attorney and his staff is not supposed to communicate with the other party directly, but only through their attorney. But that doesn't always happen that way, either.

You need to talk with the legal discipline board of your state; you can usually find that by talking with the local or state bar association or by contacting the state's supreme court, which often handles lawyer discipline. Do NOT let this go. I realize it may be difficult to do anything right now, but try to do so anyway. Something just is not right here.


Remorseful, ashamed and "recovered" FOW and FWSO
Newly married and afraid of the Karma bus

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2008
ray-ray
♂ Member
Member # 29940
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you are dealing with this crap. You would think that the judge could see through the bullshit. If you were so terrible than what kind of mother would leave her children with you for four months?

I hope things take a turn for the better.


So many roads

Posts: 716 | Registered: Oct 2010
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry! The scenario you described is a nightmare. I am not familiar with Canada's procedure but I hope you take roughroadahead's suggestion. At least it's a starting point. I am so sorry. I would be devastated if I were in your shoes. Hugs and support.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I think I'm in shock. I just got the kids to bed and don't know what to do with myself now. I've been low before but never this low. I know we're always warned that "life's not fair" but this is fucking beyond ridiculous.

I just had the kids have their bath and then read my 6 yr old her nightly bedtime story (my DS12 pretends he's to old for this and doesn't want me to read to him yet he often sits in the next room to listen and occasionally chimes in about the story or cracks jokes....like he did again tonight....so I know he likes it still too lol) and I thought about how my WW NEVER does anything like this, and still doesn't. My dd6 was trying to pick out a story for tomorrow night when I had to tell her she won't be here, she goes to Mom's for the next 4 nights, when dd6 got upset and asked me if I could call Mom and tell her she wants to stay with me longer. I told her I can't do that, that Mommy misses her and wants to see her too and maybe if she asks Mommy will read a story to her tomorrow night. Dd6 rightfully said "no she won't". I promised her she will be home in 4 sleeps and it won't be that long and she seemed to accept her fate.

But it got me thinking how the OCL (children's lawyer) actually stated today that after home visits they noticed dd6 was very affectionate with mom and seemed happy but with me she didn't seem affectionate and they even thought she was stand-offish around me. I couldn't believe I was hearing that...or that WW, despite everything, remained quiet about that too, as it's so far from the truth it's not even funny. Dd6 always wants to help me make dinner or clean up afterwards, she helps me with laundry and other chores, we play together a lot and always have, and I actually get frustrated if we try to watch a movie as she would rather sit with me than by herself. Before DDay, occasionally dd6 would try to sit with Mom but more times than not WW would tell her no, go sit with your dad. But the OCL stated this is their observation after one 2hr visit with the kids and I in my home back in Jan.

The OCL said ds12 had angry things to say about his Mom and that she cheated and he doesn't think that's right...and they blamed me for it! They think I put that in his head! He was 11 when Mom *disappeared* for 4 months...and on the rare times she would show up to take him to McDonalds for an hour or so she kept trying to introduce him to OM....who at the time she was still trying to pass off as the boss and a 'friend'! Neither the kids or I even had contact info for WW during most of that time so when ds12 would ask where she was staying, WW would tell him that 'her boss' rents her a room! I'm pretty damn sure our son could figure things out on his own and his anger feelings were legitimately his own for God's sake.

And the worst situation is my dd13 who now lives with mom full time. OCL claimed that she wasn't happy living with me and that I tried to put the burden of running the house on her since WW was gone, but that she's so much happier at Moms now. I can't believe they couldn't see through this bullshit. Sure I put more on dd13...when I was a kid we called it chores. I expected dd13 to help out around the house and she has just become your typical lazy teenager. The more she started going to Moms and discovering that she wasn't expected to do anything there and she has a lot more freedom including now being allowed to date...not just allowed but actually ENCOURAGED (mom would either drive her to boys houses or pick them up and allow them to stay at their house - I used to think that WW would wake POSOM up to what she's truly like by doing this but sadly found out that he didn't care as long as dd13 and the boys stay in the basement and don't bother them) - dd13 actually told me that her 'at-the-time' 16 or 17 yr old boyfriend cried to WW when dd13 broke up with him and WW actually attempted to talk dd13 into giving him another chance since he was obviously so upset so he must truly love her (are you fucking kidding me?!?!), that Mom would buy her clothes and makeup and other crap, mom allowed her to get a nose ring and then shortly after a lip ring (again, something I would never allow - and dd13 is the ONLY girl in her entire school with the lip ring!!!), and the general rules around WW's house are basically non-existent! I don't think she even has a curfew or if she does it's a very late one. I've been advised by people that they see dd13 walking towards WW's home - alone - at 9:30pm - 10pm on school nights, several times! There is also the fact that I live in the country whereas Moms new house, with her "boss", is right in town. Finally, Dd13 has been suspended from school twice in the last 6 weeks and her grades are slipping. I remember way back when dd13 first chose to live with Mom and I complained to L about it and one of the rare times L actually answered me, he stated that this was a good thing...if everything I claimed was true he predicted there would start to be trouble at school and this would be noticed and a good thing for me! Right. OCL didn't even mention the suspensions, thought dd13 was doing good in school, and the little bit of trouble they admitted she's been in is the result of the family unit breaking down and the father (me) confiding in his problems with dd13 and forcing her to shoulder more of the burden around the home (when she was here).

I fucking kid you not...not one line of anything I wrote. I'm not exaggerating a damn thing or leaving key parts out that would change anything about this either.

I was admonished for the 10 weeks I left dd6 and ds12 with Mom (dd13 had already chosen to move in with mom full-time before this happened) when I lost my water and the OCL claimed I only made 3 attempts to visit my kids. Such bullshit. First, I had no idea the kids would be there that long and that it would take that long to fix my well. I chose to do this as a preemptive move too as I knew once my WW found out from the kids that I had no running water at home that she would call CAS and try and make me look bad. As much as I hated doing this I thought it was the responsible thing to do and far better I make this choice than having CAS or a judge do it for me. Besides, I figured I could tolerate having to email the WW to arrange access times for a short while. What I never, ever expected was WW to lie and deny me time with the kids. The first couple of times I talked to the kids about going out to do something to which they ALL were excited to do so I then requested this time from the WW she told me flat out "no" as her and POSOM already had plans with the kids. When I finally talked to the kids afterwards and they asked me why I never got them sooner I apologized and said I hadn't realized that they already had plans with their mom so it just didn't work out. They ALL were very upset when they heard this and told me there was no plans, they just stayed home both those nights and didn't do anything. Finally, my last request was on dd6's bday and that too was denied for the same reason, but at least this time she offered me alternative times...3 days later after dd6's bday. I was beyond pissed but kept my cool...I was not going to let dd6's bday go by without seeing her...so I drove to WW's home unannounced to drop off some gifts and to give ALL my kids hugs. When the kids saw me there they were very excited and happy to see me but my 2 oldest also rushed out to tell me I better not stay long...as soon as mom saw me pull in the driveway she threw a fit and was yelling things like "why is he here? He's ruining our fucking day!!". I didn't even stay 5 minutes and I swore that was the last time I'd ever ask my WW anything. When things were the other way around, during the 4 months she was gone, and on the rare times she actually wanted to see any of the kids....I NEVER ONCE refused her access. I'd even cancelled plans a couple of times when she emailed with very short notice wanting to see the kids....figuring it was the right thing to do. So what I ended up doing from then on was picking the kids up from school during their lunch hour (always making sure those days were actually mine according to the current temp custody order...to save both me and the school any trouble should WW make an issue of it), or we'd talk on the phone when they were somewhere where mom wasn't. Hell, WW even took the laptop away from ds12 when she found out he was using that to chat online with me....of course with some lame excuse tho so ds12 didn't realize the real reason. He was only allowed to use that laptop there the first week or so, and then banned from it for the rest of his temp stay.

But the OCL didn't know any of this and when I tried to explain...in between all the guffaws from WW sitting at the table acting shocked at such fantastical accusations, and her and her L writing notes back in forth in a flurry, they didn't seem to care or even believe me.

As for the 4 months WW was gone, the OCL fucking chalked it up to her not having suitable accommodations for the kids yet. I bit my tongue so hard upon hearing that that I'm surprised I didn't draw blood. All I could think of was how she came back after a week or so from disappearing to get her beloved Newfoundlander dog though!!!

There is so, so much more I could write....again....ALL of it true and so outlandish I probably wouldn't believe it myself if I was reading it. For this reason, it never occurred to me that they would recommend sole custody to her. I thought my worst case scenario was status quo, denying me the right to move back to my hometown with the kids and allowing her almost half the time with the kids.

I fucking completely understand why you hear of people committing suicide over this shit now. I know life isn't fair....but this is beyond ridiculous. The kids are my life and I do my best for them. I try to keep them busy while having fun and involved with multiple extracurricular activities. My WW has undone all of that now too. I had dd13 in cadets and a youth group, both of which kept her busy and she loved the people and had a lot of fun with all of this. Within 2 weeks of being at Moms,that's all gone now. She no longer has interest supposedly. None of my kids now participate in any extracurricular stuff. Dd13 runs the streets basically and is obsessed with boys while the younger two are kept busy with new toys and mostly new video games....that's it (over there I mean). I'm finding it to hard to involve the younger two in anything now as we don't even do a week on, week off shared custody thing....it's one of those 2-2-3 plans (or whatever you call it) except my WW is allowed to bring the kids home one night earlier on her weekends...by her request to the judge! I still have to occasionally look at the calendar to figure out what nights the kids are here or at Moms, and I dare not plan anything that would fall on her time...that would be a cardinal sin...no matter how good it could be for any of the kids. And the poor kids can't even begin to wrap their heads around where they are supposed to be on what night. It's a regular question I get every night and every morning - "are we going to moms after school or coming home?".

And you know I again just realized that as I put down our current temp order....I shouldn't do that anymore as it now seems I'll be fighting just to maintain that thanks to the OCL recommendations! FFS. If the judge follows their recs to the T, I'll be at my WW's mercy as to when I'll see the kids and if you've managed to read this far, you'll know from past experience that that doesn't bode well.

Trying to get back on topic...I'm even afraid to complain to the Upper Canada Law Society about my L because if I lose him I don't know that I can even get another L. Legal aid is not something easy to get and they're very strict about sticking with the L you get once you're on it. I think I read you're allowed 1 L change but you have to have a damn good reason, and I know I do but I'm not kidding when I say we're in a very remote area. It's a 2 hr drive to the nearest big (to us) city which only has a population of ~25K. The L pool here is very slim pickings. Still, I'll start looking again tomorrow...but then even if I can find one, I'll have to convince him to accept legal aid and worse than that....I have to somehow convince him that I, the father, am being grossly mistreated and that the OCL report seems to have my WW's and my name in the wrong spots!! This will be a monumental challenge!

I don't know why I'm complaining here and I apologize. I don't even have a question to ask anymore. I keep thinking about karma and how good is supposed to triumph over evil but in my neck of the woods none of this appears to be true. I've even talked to a couple of family members (what hard calls these were to make) who were expecting to here good news and nobody can believe the outcome....hell I swear my WW is probably shocked all to hell herself...and they wanna know who they can call to help me. There isn't anyone. OCL is done (as far as I know) and next stop is a case conference and then trial if we don't come to an agreement. How do I convince a judge that OCL has everything backwards when judges by a large majority follow their recs?! Is this where I give up and just hope one day when my kids are grown up that they will understand how hard I fought for them and that I'm so sorry I missed a large part of their life and didn't have any power to make choices for them as that was left to the hands of mom and their new stepdad?! I'm being a little bit facetious as I know I'll still see them...but I also know every time will be an uphill battle if WW has sole custody and final decision making choices. My poor ds12 who has Spina Bifida and needs a lot of help and a very interested, concerned parent taking care of him and making the right choices for him....and the OCL has chosen his Mom for that role??????????

Someone, please, ,please, please wake me from this nightmare.


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of support do you have IRL? I hope you have family and friends with whom you have confided with and maybe they will be know someone who knows someone who can help you. Do you belong to a church?

It seems you have a lot of objective evidence. You have written it in plain and understandable language. Could you submit your evidence to your attorney? What choices has your attorney given you?

I can hear that you are in a dark dark place. Are you seeing a doctor or therapist? Are you open to taking AD's to take the edge off temporarily? Do you have the number to a suicide hotline?

Please please please take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping. What do you do to release stress? Whatever it is, DO IT. If talking/posting helps get your thoughts out and organized, DO IT. Take care of YOU.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read the book "Divorce Poison"? If not, please download it immediately or get it from the bookstore ASAP. This very scenario is described in which the other parent uses the system to take the children from the nuturing parent.

Please make some phone calls. Maybe even call the author of the book. I know he has resources & connections all over, he might be able to get you assistance. What you're describing is so outrageous, yes, it's unbelievable, and yet it's actually happening.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9535 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dmari: I send my L emails as soon as anything happens or I need advice, then again later to summarize. I'm lucky if I get one answer from him to every 10 emails I send....again, not exaggerating here.

Yes I am in a dark place now. But I'm not all 'woe is me', I'm scared for the kids and their futures. I just KNOW WW is not going to look after them, they will not be a priority to her. They never have been. But I'm not stupid enough to do anything to myself and I'm sorry if I gave that impression in last nights post. I know someone needs to be here for the kids *WHEN* the shit hits the fan. I just don't want that to happen at all and I won't take any consolation from saying "I told you so" later. I suppose I could always hope that WW may straighten up and start acting like a mature responsible parent too, but I'll believe that when I see it.

This has even shaken my faith in the justice system and the 'professionals'. We all read from time to time the horror stories about CAS getting involved and making the wrong choices causing the destruction of a family or worse...rape, death, etc. but at least I always believed that happened places far away and was simply a case of bad luck, bad decisions, or a bad employee. For the most part I assumed they usually get it right and everyone is better off for it. To witness what's happening now with my own family when I have the support of both sides of the family and WW has so blatantly done things which should have been large red flags to those involved...yet they're either missed or ignored....is so surreal and it's shaken me to the core. I so naively want to keep believing that if I'm generally a good person and I generally do the best I can as a parent, then people will see that and make the right calls and have the right opinions. I'm so desperately trying to make sense of this or to blame someone or something....but now I'm just questioning myself. Have I been deluding myself? I seriously can't see or think of anything I've done to make others think I'm the worst choice out of our kids parents...but what if I am? Have I been to strict with the kids? Do I not do enough things with them? They always seem so happy to see me and other than dd13 lately, they always want to be with me...but are they just saying that to me because they think it's what I want to hear? Am I embarrassing to them because of my appearance due to the ankylosing spondylitis (which has me severely hunched over and also unable to move my neck)...or because of this is it the fact that I'm limited in what I can do with them? I don't know....yes, I'm in a dark place now and questioning everything. I seriously woke up this morning and my very first thought was about whether that OCL meeting was a dream or real....but I already knew. It was hard getting the kids out to the bus this morning and I brought my sunglasses with me because I knew I probably wouldn't contain the tears as they left for school, then moms tonight for the next 4 nights...leaving me to wonder if I'm down to the last few times I get to do this with the kids. Fuck.

Then I came in and spent hours looking up lawyers. I made several calls but I give up. Mostly I don't even get past the "do you accept legal aid"? question. I'm stuck with the L I have even tho it's safe to assume he's useless. I guess tonight I'll start reading up on our laws and family court procedures and see if I have any chance at self representation. I don't mind at all putting in the work for the kids but I also realize I don't know the first thing about law or what to do when...and what an uphill battle I will have to try and defend myself against OCL opinions and recommendations all while fighting the WW's L - whom she warned me was ruthless besides being the best around...and now I believe her.


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
pjkmkjm23
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Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl: no I haven't read but I'll go now to look for it and download it to the kindle if I can. Thank you! I do have some other books I've read, one entitled tug-of-war which was really good...but most of my books so far are more about how to help and protect the kids. Thank you!

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
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Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce Poison addresses parental alienation. It includes a lot of information as well about how assholes use the system to file false allegations against the decent parents and otherwise abuse the system to take the kids away.

There is also a book titled "Splitting" which is all about what to expect when you're divorcing a personality-disordered person. It, too, includes information about how assholes will recruit "the system" to abuse you just because they can.

Buddy, there are a lot of us here who have divorced/are divorcing major assholes who are using the children to hurt us. Collectively we have a lot of experience to share. You're not alone in this.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9535 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
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Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess tonight I'll start reading up on our laws and family court procedures and see if I have any chance at self representation. I like this plan. Until someone else steps up and can represent you, I think this is good place to start.

I know that over here the judges/courts main concern is deciding what is in the best interests of the children. Since you don't have the kids for the next few days, perhaps you could write a letter to the court/judge/attorney/OCL disputing every single thing the OCL stated providing evidence.

Please don't give up. Someone has to take notice. At the same time, continue to take care of you.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
Griefstricken25
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Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is beyond a nightmare. ((((pjkmkjm23))))

I'm in Canada (not the same province as you) and in my research, when I divorced, I thought it was in EXTREME cases that one parent gets sole. I understood joint was basically a given. I ended up with sole because WXH lives overseas.

What is happening to you and your children is beyond unjust, and makes me so angry for you. The children's lawyer should be for the CHILDREN and most people know children should have a relationship with BOTH parents. This smells awfully fishy to me.

[This message edited by Griefstricken25 at 3:08 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2507 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
pjkmkjm23
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Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl:

Divorce Poison addresses parental alienation. It includes a lot of information as well about how assholes use the system to file false allegations against the decent parents and otherwise abuse the system to take the kids away.
There is also a book titled "Splitting" which is all about what to expect when you're divorcing a personality-disordered person. It, too, includes information about how assholes will recruit "the system" to abuse you just because they can.

Buddy, there are a lot of us here who have divorced/are divorcing major assholes who are using the children to hurt us. Collectively we have a lot of experience to share. You're not alone in this.

I am SUPER optimistic and excited to read the book Divorce Poison now!!!! I just purchased it after reading the description and comments on Amazon and it seems like it's written almost personally for me!!! Thank you so much for the recommendation Nature_Girl!!! I truly don't think I would have bought another book or even looked for one as I've bought and read a few of them over the last year and even noticed that I've already purchased Splitting too and read it (and obviously should reread it again too!). But this one seems to be specifically full of tips on how to deal exactly with what WW is doing. I even read a part where the parent that says and does nothing - taking the higher road - can easily end up losing contact with their children and judges and lawyers will assume it's that parents fault!!! That's EXACTLY what's happening to me it seems!!!! Wow!!! It is nice to see I'm not alone and that maybe I can even do something about it. I'll definitely be devouring that book tonight


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
pjkmkjm23
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Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coraline:

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Do you guys have anything like custody evaluations there?

I'm not sure about this but I will jot it down to ask L about. If it something that I have to pay for it won't be an option...not because I'm cheap but because I just don't have the money for it. Thank you.

september rain:

When I was a GAL, I'd talk to EVERYONE I could get to on both sides and visit both homes frequently, as well as all of the other investigative stuff.

Thank you for everything you wrote. The line I quoted above really means a lot to me though because if you used to do this and you even admit that there are frequent visits in both homes, it leads me to hope that I have a good argument for declaring this whole report as incompetent and unfair. 1 visit, 2 hrs tops, in early Jan. with the kids and I. One of the complaints against me and my home is it was cold too....well I live very far north where -40C is fairly common and this one visit was in early January. What do you think?!! I bet a lot of homes were cold that day! But even more to the point, this meeting wasn't even on one of my days...so the kids were brought out to my home just for the meeting and then taken to their Mom's immediately afterwards. I don't run the electric heaters upstairs that are needed when it's really cold when nobody but me is here. That still might have been a stupid choice on my part and I would give this up rather than argue it tbh....but the report was presented yesterday....June 4th. Had they come out again anytime between Jan and June....I think maybe they'd find the house isn't always cold!!!

ray-ray:

Sorry that you are dealing with this crap. You would think that the judge could see through the bullshit. If you were so terrible than what kind of mother would leave her children with you for four months?

For this very reason I never once even slightly entertained the thought that I could lose custody of the kids. I knew WW was throwing around a lot of allegations but even if they were true...what Mom would leave her kids with that type of man then?!! So nobody...I mean NOBODY was more shocked than I yesterday when I started getting bashed for leaving the kids with WW while I had no water in the house (which was only 10 weeks, as opposed to her 4 months!!) but she was let off by the fact that she apparently didn't have accommodations for the kids - even though she admits she left to shack up immediately with her OM!!!

Griefstricken25:

I'm in Canada (not the same province as you) and in my research, when I divorced, I thought it was in EXTREME cases that one parent gets sole. I understood joint was basically a given. I ended up with sole because WXH lives overseas.

That was my thought too! Again, it's why I never once entertained the thought that a recommendation for me to outright lose custody of the kids could happen....and why I was so shocked. I stupidly and maybe naively thought my worst case scenario was status quo...and i don't even know what you would call our temp order but maybe it's joint, or shared....whatever. I worry that people will just assume I'm paranoid and looking for conspiracies everywhere but it's reassuring to read that others like you think they're must be more to this story. Thank you


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
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Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one thing to take the moral high road and not say a single thing in your defense IF your ex/STBX is an otherwise decent person who only has the occasional laspse in verbal diarrhea. It's something else entirely if you're dealing with a psycho who has a vendetta to destroy you using your children as the weapons. You cannot sit passively back & do nothing when your relationship with your children is at stake.

The children & I have been in counseling ever since this all went down. Something that all the counselors have been unanimous about is that STBX does not get a "free pass" on his bad behavior just because he's the children's father. No, I do not go out of my way to say anything against him. However, I do not allow inaccurate perceptions about him or me to go unchallenged. For example, he tells the kids he HAS to bring them back early from visitation because otherwise I'll get him in trouble. No, I don't have to let him get away with lying to the kids about me like that because it damages my relationshp with them ("Mom is mean. Mom wants to get me in trouble. I don't dare bring you back even one minute late or she'll get me in trouble."). I can and should counter with the truth, "Kids, you know me better than that. You know I do everything I can so you can spend as much time as possible with Dad. Dad is allowed to have you until __:__. It is his choice to bring you back early. I have never gotten him in trouble for bringing you back late. You've never been late coming home, anyway. I've asked him to please keep you the full amount of time. He chooses not to. I don't know why. I also don't know why he says it's my fault. The judge says you get to stay with Dad until __:__. I don't want you to come home early. I want you to come home on time."

All I can do is explain MY thoughts to the kids. I cannot explain their father's thoughts. I don't know why he does what he does. I am perfectly within my rights to defend myself from the lies he tells the kids. We HAVE been through an extensive, expensive parental evaluation. The evaluator interviewed the children in detail. He had no problem with what I'd been telling them, he found no evidence at all of any attempt on my part to engage in parental alienation (something that STBX has been claiming all along, that I'm deliberately ruining his relationship with the kids).

I'm telling you this as an illustration of how it is possible to gently counter lies without engaging in character assassination. Trust me, I'd love to give the kids an earful about the true nature of their father. But at this tender age it would only hurt & confuse them. Plus it would legally hurt me.

It is exhausting. I have to be constantly vigilent because STBX is constantly finding new things to lie to the kids about me. It's appalling. I will not do nothing while he destroys my children. He never wanted them to begin with. He knows they are the only thing that matters to me. So he wants to destroy me by destroying them. I'm not going to let him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9535 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 17

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