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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Liar, liar...
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally got response paperwork from X regarding custody. A couple points...

-He listed his income only from his PT pizza delivery job. He also works under the table laying hardwood flooring, but I don't know how I can prove that.

-He claimed he pays $200 in rent (he lives with his parents) but I know that isn't true at all. Claiming that is just him wanting to keep more money away from his son. It doesn't hurt me, it hurts our son. Selfish prick.

- He's asking for alternating weekends and one evening a week. Where exactly is he planning on having my son sleep? On the mess of garbage, laundry, and beer bottles in X's room? He has nothing for him there. He's never wanted overnights with him before. And if he thinks he's taking him to Mrs. Robinson's house he's crazy. I won't allow that. He wants to spend one evening a week with him and daytime on Saturday, fine. No overnights, he's only two.

Okay, done ranting.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-He listed his income only from his PT pizza delivery job. He also works under the table laying hardwood flooring, but I don't know how I can prove that.

That's pathetic. It pisses me off these dads who lie to avoid paying child support (and income tax, i'm sure!).

How to prove income from laying hardwood flooring? Does he do remodel work or does he work for builders? First thing that comes to mind is having a friend call him up to quote a job and ask for references. You would then have a list of clients from which to work. Similarly, a friend could contact the builder he works for to get references as well.

it may be a long shot, but i'm thinking it pays better the PT pizza delivery.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an a$$! My daughter does sundays and 4 hours during the week and she is 6...Screw him..

Posts: 155 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a PI for the job proof...I was thinking suggesting to his employer that unless your X tells the truth a suggestion to have employer audited might get sent to the IRS. But that might backfire.

He should have to prove rent by sharing financial records. That might be faked by them just giving him cash back but it's a start. Maybe have your lawyer contact them directly and ask for proof as well as mention what a shame it is when dads try to take food out of their kids mouths by lying about finances and it's good they seem to have raised him better. I know.

As for the living situation, you can always mention you don't think it's safe for your DS and ask for a neutral third party to inspect it. Have a background check on OW done...she's had documented mental issues, right?

Basically be above board as possible when it comes to you, but you might have to come at things from different angles when it comes to dealing with him.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tread carefully here. If you and xbf cannot agree, it won't be your decision what to allow or not allow, and the last thing you need is to be viewed as unreasonable by a future court. Visitation will be a completely separate issue from child support.

As far as overnights go, the domestic relations court in my county has a ton of information online. 2 year olds can have overnights if there is evidence of a substantial relationship with the non-resident parent prior to the split. The judge will most likely want xbf to have a room for DS, but this could be his parents' guest room if that's where he lives. The mess isn't going to be a concern unless it's a health hazard or the mess is like drug paraphenalia or something. Check your court's web page for details about how overnights are decided, and for the standard visitation schedule. Absent special circumstances (like an addicted or abusive parent), that is what the court applies when the parties disagree.

As for the CS, pass along whatever info you have in as much detail as possible (eg do you have the name of his under the table employer?) to whoever is representing you or dealing with the case, whether an attorney or a representative from
the state child support agency.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you using an attorney or divorce accountant? If so have his bank records subpoenaed; he would have to explain the extra $$ if he has no income. You can also subpoena his parents to testify under oath that he is paying them that amount of rent; they may not be willing to lie in court about it. This isn't foolproof, but it might put the fear of god into him.

If you are not going through court, speak to the people at the state agency that handles garnisheeing of income; tell them what you told us. They may have methods of compelling him to disclose honestly. Don't let up on the pressure.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20149 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could afford a PI! The sucky thing is that I'm nervous to get nosy because I don't want to be seen as stalking.

I have a good relationship with his mother. I don't think she would allow him to lie about paying rent. So either she doesn't know he's claiming that or he has legitimately started paying her.

There is no guest room at his mom's place. Shouldnt he at least have to have a bed for DS? My son still sleeps in a crib, he can't just crash on the couch like DD.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he will need somewhere for DS to sleep if he has overnights. For example, waffle is required to have 3 bedrooms--one for himself, one for the boys and a separate one for DD-- to have overnights with them. Check the rules in your area, usually available on the court web site


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will go through many years of this so be careful and pick your battles wisely. The courts do not look at things the way we do as a parent. When they ordered a home evaluation (money in someone's pocket) I had to show them that my son had a clean room, groceries in the fridge, clothes, etc. No problem with my home environmentat all. XWH#1 had a mattress on the floor,no bed sheets, no groceries in the fridge, and no clothes at his house for my son to wear. The courts did not really care even though they ordered the study. Everything that they ordered did not really make a hill of beans when it came down to it. They gave standard visitation to my X, even though the child psychologist and another psychologist said he had mental issues. It was all just wasted money in the end. He spent years manipulating and turning my son against me and there was nothing I could do about it. He took my son to live with his mother when he was 14. The house they lived in was literally falling down around them and my son slept in a tiny guest room and his Dad slept on the couch. The house had vines from the outside literally growing in the closets and was filthy dirty. The courts said as long as he had a roof (even though it was falling in) that at age 14 he had a right to live there if he wanted to. Our justice system really has little interest in hearing anything you have to say about the irresponsible parent or the environment the children are forced to live in. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but want you to be aware that things can get out of hand if you push too many buttons. The lawyers will bleed you dry if you give them the chance. So pick your battles carefully. You have a lot of years to deal with the STBX. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is all so irritating...

He lies about his income to get OUT of supporting his child, and then gets visitation he doesn't deserve because he can't take care of a single bedroom let alone a two year old. He NEVER wanted overnights before, never, even if I would have asked! Why ask for it now? We didn't live together, he never put his son to bed or bathed him or got up with him in the night, nothing has changed except he's spending an inordinate amount of time with a whore and I am not a doormat anymore! He can still see his son during waking hours he just only asks once a week for an hour!

This isn't how things were supposed to be.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, rumor, I'm sorry. It's so hard when you have little bitty ones. I am fully convinced that this wouldn't be nearly so difficult if I didn't have 2 very young children. It's difficult in other ways with older kids, but with the little ones it's so hard to worry about how they'll feel and act if they have to be away from us for long. I don't know how it works in your area, but it doesn't sound like your ex has much of a relationship with your 2yo, so I don't see why they'd grant him overnights just yet. Maybe when he's 3, but why now? Hugs to you, and I would try not to worry about it if I were you (although I still *would* worry about it, if I'm being honest - try not to though).

[This message edited by Coraline at 3:33 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devil's advocate, give him your son.

I find it very hard to believe that he is a responsible parent and will be responsible faithfully to your son. So give him more visits and overnights, let him be a parent. You could use the down time yourself so you can start dating again.
I bet he won't live up to the responsibilities he is asking for... And him having your son will probably make his fantasy with OW come crashing down sooner. Kids are a big fantasy buster and time consumer. Kids make relationships more difficult and a selfish person (as the waywards and APs are) won't have time for that.

So while it hurts, give it to him. You have so many years ahead of you and so many other battles (that have yet to come up) to fight. Plus, not fighting will not give them more fuel to bond over. It will also show him you are moving on (which could shock him into reality).

I didn't get it before but I truly see the people of SI were right. Detach, detach, detach... It serves two purposes, it keeps you from getting hurt and starting the process to moving on with your life AND it denies "affair fuel" to the wayward. Stop fueling a car and see how much longer it can go. That is why most of these waywards come back to the BS when their affair car runs out of gas.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 3:45 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And by the way, I am going through the same thing. At first it was hard to give my ex our son for 3 days however now I look forward to the time off to see friends and go on dates. I have accepted our situation and am now moving on. My ex isn't liking it but he is still stuck on his AP so he isn't doing anything about it. I think he will by the end of the year though as I am seeing signs that things aren't going so well over there. She won't even add him to her Facebook... He must feel so rejected.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree in a logical sense... if it were a house, a car, a dog, he could have it! I am all about no affair fuel, I even told X's mom she ought to go ahead and meet the OW like he has asked even though i know she thinks "FTB". But it is my precious baby and relinquishing control over his wellbeing to an incompetent baboon is very hard.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I don't like my son with his idiot father, but at the end of the day, it is still his father. The less you fight now, the easier this will be on yourself. At this point, your ex isn't coming back so you have to get use to the possibility of the next 16 years of sharing. Might as well start now.... And keep in mind, he is only doing this to look good/ reduce support amount. Kids are hard work. Do you think he "really" want to be daddy? If he did, he wouldn't have had the affair.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 3:56 AM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is really true. Perv gets out of having to do the rules by complaining to his lawyer about me, if I question anything he does, directly to him.

I've had to put my own beliefs and wishes away for DD and cried many times for further injustices to her and broken promises.

It's hard to remember that we are already the perceived enemy and it feels like being the person's parent sometimes, for all I want is for him to do the f'ing rules like the rest of us.

Anyway...yes, I agree with the wisdom here and if you can find a way sort out and choose what are the bigger issues and what stems from emotions, sometimes it helps. I also have this one relative who I trust who I call and ask things sometimes, before I chance hashing it out with Perv or chance being billed by L. Many times she's helped calm me down and see that like the A, I truly have to step away from DD's life sometimes and let her go, more than I want to or am ready for.

The affects of the A and Perv's actions continue to reach out like an octopus and hurt us, but maybe as parents we can find some things not to worry so about.

I see that your son is very young and I'm sorry for this happening in your family. You sound like a good mom, Rumor.

We've had this come up with the baby to be that I'm having, where Perv is already talking about taking the baby away from me and with him overnight-a new born, FCOL! But L is researching my rights and the baby's. Maybe there are rights that you have and your son has?

Yes, sometimes Perv has backed down when I let DD do something more with him, or he's realizing that the weekends he pushed for are taking up "his" time.

He won't even provide OW's address, so how could he take a newborn anywhere "with him", when he is still hiding her as he claims to live there-he has no job, no address, no home to keep a baby and kid!

I'm sorry for your frustration.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
rumorhasit
♀ Member
Member # 38943
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland I'm so sorry you are going through all this while pregnant! Does he have any idea how to even care for a newborn? I swear, WSs make me wonder if there really is a stupid pill out there, and they all took one!

I'm so lucky DD's mom is going to mediation with him first, I can see how that goes and plan my approach from there.


BGF- 30 (me)
WXBF- 30 (him)
Last Dday- 4-8-13, he left for OW#2
Us- 1 DS 3yo, Him- 1 DD 7yo

Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin


Posts: 205 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 17

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