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User Topic: Being around him......
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I told WH I couldn't live like this anymore and wanted the divorce. He is still seeing OW. I wish I could have been unemotional but I was not. He didn't say much. Before I went to bed I said something about my room - he said it your room for now and looked at me and said its yours until we figure out how to make it ours again. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for months

I am making the appointment with the mediator today. What do I do now?

I want to stay in the house and so does he. Being around him tears be up.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D the 180. Its point is to help us detach. It works, even if you have to take it baby steps.

I think you have to make it clear that there will never be an "our" anything (besides "our D" I suppose) as long as OW is in the picture. Even after she's gone, it still might not happen if he's destroyed too much of your feelings for him.

Start imagining what it would be like somewhere else, free of being around him. It might become a more attractive alternative than it is at this moment.

It may not feel like it, but you took a step of strength.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11097 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

until we figure out how to make it ours again.

Oh, please. What a bunch of bullshit. "Let my rack my tiny little brain to figure out what I could possibly do to fix this.." Like stop fucking another woman? No, that couldn't be it......And he probably had these caring doe-eyes and gentle voice while he is spouting this bullshit.

I agree with you. Being around this asshole is crazymaking.
File. Get exclusive use of the home. Get his ass O-U-T.

He knows what to do to save the marriage. He is choosing NOT to do it. Everyday.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I can is right. I had some similar converstions with my H while he was in the fog. He was trying to keep me placated while all the time trying to figure out how continue his behavior. He was trying all kinds of different things for those few months, pretending to R, getting mad at me and trying to bully me to leave him alone, trying to convince me I was over reacting, etc. I think he is trying to play on your emotions to keep you hanging on a little longer.

I think you have to remember that everyday, at any moment he could start to repair this by honestly ending the A, it's easy and every day he chooses not to. So she's right, he is your enemy right now, he's trying to manipulate you and he's using your love for him to do it and that is cruel, I'm speaking from experience.

So stay focused on your goal, don't be tricked, Personally I'm for being fair b/c even if he's being an ass I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know I was fair. But being fair doesn't mean being walked on. If there is no obvious reason for one of you to keep the house ( kids, heirloom, etc ) you may have to consider selling it and splitting the money. But I've also felt like if I'm trying to save the marriage and you're actively trying to crush my spirit maybe I'm owed the house? or alimony? kwim?
I would talk to a lawyer to find out the laws in your state and then push forward with the mediator. I know in my state infidelity is taken into consideration for everything pertaining to the divorce, so if we couldn't mediate and we left it to a judge in my state, I'd probably get the house b/c of his affair. Thats a good thing to know before you mediate, imo.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw a couple of attorney's a few months ago. One of them was the one that suggested a mediator. Proeprty division only.

We have no kids together, but his daughter is living with us now. Because of this he would probably get exclusive use of the home if it went to court. He actually rented a place and then refused to leave.

Infidelity will not be taken into consideration in my state so no help there.

I did make the initial consultation with the mediator but her first available wasn't for over two weeks.

I get the 180 but I do not know how to do it practically. I don't know how to say do your own laundry and cooking without coming off cold and unfeeling. He still takes care of some of his old jobs in the house so why shouldn't I do mine.

I told him I wasn't going to "play family" with him anymore. I do not want to try to stay away from the house meaning purposefully go home late to avoid him. I just don't know how to be around him. What do I do? Hide in my bedroom? Please suggest somethings.

I am so sad and I am afraid no matter what I will do he will say I am moping.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please suggest somethings.

As crappy as it is, i think at some point you need to decide what is more important, your health, sanity, and peace.....Or a house.

And I agree with I think I can on the post they made....That statement is a bunch of bullshit and should be taken as such. If he really wanted to make that place your's again then he would have dropped OW like a bad habit and groveled at your feet for forgiveness.

He's in your kitchen baking his cake, eating it too, and then sweeping the crumbs under the rug.

(((stung)))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As crappy as it is, i think at some point you need to decide what is more important, your health, sanity, and peace.....Or a house.

I am afraid if I move out my sanity will be affected because I know he wins the house. I moved out for a week in April and it killed me knowing he got my house to live in while I bummed floor space (not really) off of friends.

He is the one that f-up. He should be the one that goes.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
256shute
♀ New Member
Member # 39308
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for all the pain he has put you through. How old is his daughter that lives with you?

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How old is his daughter that lives with you

16 almost 17


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

without coming off cold and unfeeling

So what? The 180 will help you not care what he thinks.

He's going to blame you, stung. He doesn't want to accept any responsibility for this, or any consequences. And when consequences come down the pike, he's going to blame you. It doesn't matter what you choose--he's gonna be an asshole about it. It's time to start detaching from what he thinks. Time to start doing what's best for YOU. It's not about winning or losing--it's about respecting yourself. Worry about what YOU think, not what HE thinks.

I agree with Holly. Start imagining your own space. Decorate it in your mind. See yourself making the bed, or not making the bed. Eating whenever, whatever you want. Imagine a place of calm, and safety. If you are going to have to move--imagine how great that could be.

Start going out and looking at places to live. A condo on the water, downtown, in the hipster part of town, in the country------go visit places in real life and have fun with that!!!!


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
MissD
♀ Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly your sanity has been affected and this is yet another ramification of dumbass selfish W decisions. The question I mights consider is whether my sanity is worth a fight over a house. It takes something special to create a home, which can be done in virtually any structure. As I type this I am also reminded how easy it is to be distracted by things in situations like ours. So sorry for your pain.


BW 40's - WH 50's
M 20yrs, T 23yrs
2 children
Multiple EA, OA,& PA's
Thankful for my faith in God to be my strong tower.

Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stung, I'm living in sep bedrooms, too. It's been 5 months now. We also share an office. It is difficult at best. I'm trying to find a house to buy so at least I have a plan. I'm doing the 180 and it is helping tremendously. I try not to listen when he is talking on the phone. It only makes my mind go crazy wondering what he's up to. If he's in one room I will try to find a reason to go into another. I read books and often will sit outside. I am pleasant and I still do the laundry. Sometimes I will cook but not make a big fuss about it. SOmetimes he doesn't come home after work and I'm getting OK with that. I try to put on a happy face but that is mostly my pride. I cannot wait to get out of the house for good (it is his house, not ours). I have been going through all my closets, drawers and cabinets. Throwing out what I don't need and packing things into nice clean boxes. I am feeling better every box I pack because I don't want to be burdened with moving unnecessary items. I still help his kids (grown and not living with us) with things they need. I have helped them paint, helped with their kids, repairs and such. I am just trying to move my thinking away from our relationship and towards me being on my own. Everything I do is with that goal in mind and it is helping. I get overwhelmed at times and go into panic mode. I hate those times and try to remember that it doesn't last forever. I try to look at every blessing that comes my way and that keeps my mind off the sad stuff.
I hope these things help you. Feel free to pm if you want. Things just HAVE to get better, right?


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6086 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

without coming off cold and unfeeling

So what? The 180 will help you not care what he thinks.

The 180 says to not be cold that is why I said that.

Part of the thing with the house is that it is more mine. Financially and title wise it is ours but he has traveled so much the last couple of years, I feel more like it is mine. I have lived there alone for the better part of 2012.

I have started looking for a new place. I cannot really afford to buy until we sell the houses we have. I found an apartment that I liked but was kind of depressing. Apartment elements when I am use to something much nicer.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You won't be cold. You'll be breezy and indifferent.

But you are worried that he will think you are cold ("will come off as cold"). And he might accuse you of it because he knows that's your worry button. (Great SI saying--he knows where your buttons are because he installed the fuckers.)

The 180 is a great way to start thinking more about how you feel about you and less about how he feels about you.

((stungbytravel)) It's incredibly difficult.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
stungbytravel
♀ Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He definately knows how to push my buttons. He was sweet last night. Not overly so, but enough that it makes me waffle in my head. I did not say anything out loud to him. I hate where we are. I would have much rather him just say Stung, I am sorry this is not working and then we moved on.


I wonder whether I will get Jekyl or Hyde tonight.


Not sure DD 10/6/2012
No doubt in my mind DD 04/2013
Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms 12/2012
Formal Separation 6/2013
Divorce Final 12/2013
Admitted Affair 4/2014

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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