I believed my H at first too – after all, for 37 yrs, if there was one thing I could count on – it was his integrity. That was something he’d always been proud of – he always did the right thing. I had moments over the years where I would think to myself – I wish I could be as good as him.
Guess what – he was lying about the length of the affair and the physical part of the affair. He looked me in the eye – more than once – swore on our kids – his father – you name it – he said it….and he was lying.
Do you REALLY believe him? Or do you NEED to believe him?
Edited to add: Cheaters will deny...deny ...deny..until you have the evidence in black and white.
[This message edited by LivingALie at 8:31 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
I know it must feel like we are bombarding you, and that we don't really your husband, so you believe him. And I think I can say that we all wish and hope that he is telling the truth about how he betrayed you.
All of us have been through this, including me -who he lied about the type of affair it was, kept telling me that it was just emotional. And the sad part, I too believed him for over 1 YEAR!!!
My red flag was, him telling me that "she had told him that she was in-love with him" and He was too with her"
It just didn't add up, "being in-love" and not having a physical relationship??
It wasn't until OW dropped his ass, did he finally admitted the truth - that it had been a Physical relationship for 3 years.
And what does she mean, she didn't do anything wrong? At the very least, it is INNAPROPRIATE for her to be in your Husband's hotel room.. holding hands and kissing a married man!!!
Expose her, and no she cannot be your children's teacher! Can you imagine the Parent/Teacher Conference time?
But I am happy that your H is showing remorse and working on R. Wish you the best.
"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~
Here's the story of how I found out MrH's 1A was a PA.
June '99- he tells me that we have to talk. He's in love with someone and it's xOW1- my friend. After he pulls the wishy washy "I'm in love with two women" we decide to R. Our pastor at the time tells us we need to come clean about everything we've done to hurt each other and the M. During that exercise...MrH still claims no sex. We're told to take the lists and forgive. I'm not supposed to question the A anymore.
I can't help it, I do. When I'm triggered. When we're talking about boundaries...when I feel like we're close and he's let his guard down. Years I questioned off and on.
"We hugged. That's it."
I got pregnant a few months after d-day. We talked about getting tested for STDs. I knew xOw1 was a slut. She bragged about having a threesome before she got M, watching her "BH" make out with a co-worker and how she made out with a stripper in front of her "BH" when she bought him a couch dance. MrH assured me I didn't need to get STD tests. He knew our baby would be at risk from whatever xOw1 might be carrying. "No need to test, we only hugged."
We each get a new job that require a background check. The same investigator talks to both of us. He questions problems in our M. I tell him it was an infatuation. The investigator questions that, but I'm confident. I had talked to MrH and was assured I knew all there was to know.
He finally admitted to a kiss on our son's first Christmas- that was 18 months after the A. Never admitted to more, even when d-day hit for 2A and he admitted to sex "a couple of times" with xOw2. This was 7 1/2 yrs later. He said he'd break it off with xOw2 until after he got home from Iraq (he was leaving a month after d-day for 3 mos) to give our M a chance. I went into full HB mode.
Then he left for Iraq and I found SI. I started investigating to prove everyone wrong. I looked up xOw1 (we have moved multiple times) and called her. Yes, she lied about some things that I knew she was lying about because as a friend I had been around them both. She admitted to sex (claimed they used protection). I confronted MrH and he finally admitted he had sex with her...oral, vaginal and anal. She lied about the protection (though he claims they did use it for the anal
). He had also told the background inspector and the polygraph operator the truth way back then. No wonder I was questioned so closely and got a pitying look. MrH had been questioned first- the BI knew more about my M than I did.
I won't make this long story even longer, but I will say soon after that I found the 2A had gone underground and that while I was having HB sex with MrH, he was still having sex with xOw2. He would carpool home with her, have sex, shower then come home to me.
Cheaters lie. They zealously protect themselves. Even all those years and states away...xOw1 lied to make herself look better. I have been on SI for a long time and I can't think of a time when a BS with a WS who had the desires and opportunity to have sex didn't come back saying, "You all were right...the truth was hidden from me." Some of us are TT for decades.
Occam's Razor- the simplest, most straightforward answer is usually the correct answer. Your WH might be one in a million. He might be the WS who has the opportunity, attraction, entire fantasy built...yet drew a line, even while drinking. Frankly, that would be amazing. I would expect though that someone who could do that wouldn't have written a love letter for a NC letter and would've been more empathetic to your pain about OW teaching your children.
It's your choice to decide to believe him, but there's something both of you need to understand. If he is lying to you, he's keeping walls between you and windows between himself and OW. True intimacy in the M can never happen while he has to hide a secret that big. It festers. When something like that festers, then the validation that a WS tends to need from an A becomes a stronger need. Boundaries are already broken, lies are already successfully hidden. Affairs happen again.
If he is lying, he's risking your M more than by telling the truth. Most WSs don't get that until it's too late.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 9:30 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
Have you been STD tested since the A came out? If not please please please do so. Too many women end up with an STD from a manogamous marriage. The problem is these disease can be completely silent until they start creating abnormal cells, and the real trouble starts. For the sake of your kids get yourself checked, they need a mom.
You don't shit where you sleep. My H's OW had offered to leave but why would I rely on her? I made my H clean up his own mess. He not only left that job but we moved out of state. NC to the nth degree. OW could stay and deal with any rumors that may have been swirling around. And I know that there were, despite my H insisting that nobody knew. Other co-workers may not "know", but they see things and they talk.
The icing on the cake is that my H just watched two co-workers at his new job get the axe because of an A. I don't think my H will be making that mistake again.
SweetButStrong, I don't know how big your town is, but communities are built around schools and affairs at schools get talked about for generations. If you really want to shield your children, get them out of there.
I REALLY don't like you OW's attitude. Honestly, she sounds like she thinks she's smarter than you, like she knows more than you, like her and your WH are keeping secrets from you. I think she's acting like you're stupid and naive and going to fall for it.. I just don't think she would act like this if your WH's story was the truth..
And that keeps them emotionally closer, like they share something that leaves you in the dark.. I know you say you grilled him, but I still call bullshit.. Maybe talking to him about how the secrets and lies will eat away at your marriage and keep distance between you guys will help get the truth out of him..
Just too many things don't add up at all. Another one is the laying her head on his shoulder. That's not a "hey, let's do this and maybe it will lead to something later." That's a "this doesn't look so bad if we get caught, and it feels good and reminds me of the times we are able to do more." It really seems like an act of people who are already involved, not ones who are flirting and haven't taken it there yet.
You might have to manipulate him a little and act like he still has a chance if he tells you that it was a physical affair, that you just need the truth.. If you blew up angry when you learned of the emotional aspect, he might be scared to tell you the whole truth.. Seems like waywards use that excuse a lot to trickle truth. They tell a little bit and the betrayed blows up, so they are scared to tell more.. But so many times it's not the sex that kills the marriage, it's all the lies afterwards..
Sorry again for what he's put you through, and the huge hassle with the kids' school being involved. Big hugs to you..
I know it must if felt that we all ganged up on you, I hope you know that it was not our intention!
I hope you keep us updated and no judgements here, infidelity, no matter which kind, just sucks!
I hope that you're hanging in there and taking care of yourself. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
I'm kind of snickering in my head as I say this, since up until last year my kids went to Catholic school and I can tell you right now how that school would have fixed my "problem."
I actually did talk to the principal of my children's school though because our house was in total turmoil and I felt like the school needed to know what my kids were going through.