I really can't add more to the wonderful advice you've already gotten, but I noticed one thing reading your posts that struck me as progress for you.
When he sent those texts to you and you stated he had never been alone, it occurred to me that you are already becoming much stronger than he is. You've been alone since December with 4 children, one a newborn? You rock girl
I know the next few months will be hard for you, but i sense through your posting that in spite of the miserable place he put you in, your going to be fine.
Try not to think too much of what goes on between him and skank OW. Neither come close to someone of your worth and they dont matter as near as much as you and you kiddies.
Hugs to you Jewlz
So, it did make me think about him and miss him so much more. I've been missing our old life sooo much. I've also been so angry at the same time but I've been doing things that make me feel worse, like putting my engagement ring on and crying, reading old texts, reading my pregnancy diary (how happy I was right before the A, before he even started talking to the OW).
So just now, I'm sitting at work and I texted him about missing our life together and immediately after hitting send, regretting it (because I've been doing rather well with 180 and detaching otherwise and before this weekend!)
So now I've set myself up for a no reply and regret and sent a pointless text. I will seem unattractive, pathetic, blah blah blah, yes, but at the same time, this IS how I feel! He was my best friend for 15 years and this is how I feel. I know...my feelings should be my own. Him asking how I am is probably more him just wanting his little bit of guilt he may be having to go away when I say I'm fine. I am NOT fine but I know he will never understand what I'm going through so my reply was BS (sort of).
I should have said "what do you want to hear?" like his OW said to me in front of him at the park on DDay! It haunts me like, he's mine now and you don't need to know what's going on between us. 15 years to her handful of months and she talks to me like I don't deserve an explanation. I guess I need to accept I may never get one. He took the easy way out and said he was leaving first to avoid the cheating conversation so I'm sure he won't be willing to go there now or ever. I just can't believe that after all this time, this is what he did to me, how he did it, and what he wanted for me. Rather me go through this awful pain and suffering so he doesn't have to. I really need to keep reminding myself that I deserve better and stop answering his dumb texts! He doesn't have a right to know how I am!
Lately, I feel very hopeless that I will never feel like I will want to live without him. At the same time I do not want him back, like in limbo. Please, when does this longing start to fade?
Ugh, this post is all over the place, like my thoughts!
[This message edited by Jewlz at 1:26 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
I am so sorry.
Don't beat yourself up over this, please don't.
You are human. You have feelings and you love(d)your husband. NOTHING wrong with that in the least. NOTHING.
You have so much to absorb and it is normal to feel everything and nothing.
It takes a long time to accept this has happened. That it is real.
Know that we are all here rooting for you.
Deep breaths, hug your babies and know that you matter.
And you know that, but you miss him. Totally natural, and completely human. Do you have a sponsor who can help wean you off your addiction to this very toxic guy? Who you can call in your moments of weakness? (Besides SI, of course. And you can always post here.)
Lots of hugs to you and the baby. My heart goes out to you.
Good idea, next time I have the urge to text, I should write here or call someone first and by the time I'm done, the urge will have probably faded!
I can't wait for my IC session tonight.
It sounds to me like he is setting himself up as the compassionate, caring ex-husband who wants to be your best friend because you guys divorced because you grew apart.
Screw that shit. He was the one who cheated on you and abandoned you and the kids.
I would really like to put shrimp underneath the back seats of his car.
Having read your whole thread, I admire your emotional honesty, and ability to verbalize all the feelings and thoughts you are having throughout the ordeal. You are not playing any mental games with yourself, or with him, and you are an emotionally "whole" person.
Your ups and downs are perfectly normal, and a big plus is that you know what is going on inside of you (or what WH is doing) to cause those ups and downs.
You're honest with yourself about still loving WH, and hating him for the pain he is causing by having an A.
To give yourself strength:
When your WH is nice to you or inquires about your well being, and you begin to want to respond back because you L him, miss him and the way things used to be, remind yourself what he is still currently doing: he is not living in your home because he is involved with OW.
By exchanging friendly texts with him, you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.
It is obvious he is beginning to see some of the havoc he has created, and now he wants to have an ongoing friendship with you, even while he is still with OW. He is beginning to realize how horribly he behaved toward you, and some of your pain.
However, he has shown no hint of true remorse, or of wanting to leave OW and wanting to be back with you. Remorse is not the same thing as guilt. Remorse means that they are willig to take full responsibility for their actions, and do whatever it takes to help you heal from the pain they caused. Your WH has not gotten to that point, although he seems to be getting some of his conscience back.
When you want to reach out to him, or respond to his inquiries, remind yourself: Do you want to now become the OW in his life, or do you still want to be the only woman?
As of now he still has has OW and you. Your conditions have not changed, but his being nice to you is weakening your resolve, thus pulling you back in to the triangle.
It isn't fair to you for him to pull on your emotional strings, by emailing you about personal things.
You need to remove yourself from the picture. That doesn't mean you have to behave in an ugly way, you just have to maintain your boundaries, and refuse to now become the OW in his life.
Tell him the truth, that you L him still, and miss him, wish that things were the way they used to be, but that he has clearly chosen OW and needs to focus on her, so you can begin to rebuild your own life without him. Tell him that you aren't going to talk about personal things with him while he is in another relationship. Tell him you aren't willing to become the OW now that he has left and is with another woman. He needs to keep all communication strictly about business.
If the fog is beginning to wear off, and he realizes that you aren't fighting for him anymore, but you have accepted he is with OW, and you are not willing to become the OW in his new relationship, it might help more of the fog to lift.
Your mother is so wonderful for being there to help you during this time. Don't feel guilty for leaning on her. That is what family is for. When you are able, do something nice for her. Tell you how much you appreciate her now. I am saying this because I had noone to help me, except friends. My parents have passed away, siblings live far away and we are not close. FWH's family are messed up, cheaters, users, or liars, so I didn't bother telling any of them...they would have made excuses for WS behavior and blamed me. You are so blessed to have a mother who is willing to help you.
WH just called tonight. He started about the visiting arrangements because his mom is taking the 3 older kids but not the baby. Anyway, then he mentions how he misses ALL of us. We end up having a half hour conversation. He started saying he wants to know if we can talk in person, saying how sorry he is again and that he wants to tell me in person. He says "I need you to be able to look at me" or something rather and I said this is not about what you need. He says he knows.
He told me he is not with OW anymore, how he doesn't know what he was thinking. All she does is collect checks from her baby daddies, she's a party girl. He talked about how messed up it was to our kids. I told him that the worst thing for me was feeling so disrespected and he said I was, in the worst possible way. He said I WAS his best friend and he realizes that now. He wants to go to an IC.
It was absolutely too much to handle in a 30 minute conversation after all that's happened and I am just overwhelmed, sad, confused and so disappointed that this happened.
It seems like he cannot stand her. And when I said "I don't know her" he said "you don't want to". He said how our kids are the best, our kids are awesome, better than any other kids. (I'm guesssing he's comparing to her brats, they really are!)
I just cannot see being with him right now...but I'm not supposed to feel that now, right? I can't imagine being intimate with him again or a life with him now. I've already got D papers in the works, a night out with a bunch of single girls this weekend and he just started paying child support! Yeah, don't say it!
So, any thoughts? Is he worth it? Should I just take it slow and let him do IC? Should I still be doing 180?
He said he knows I probably hate him. I told him I don't hate him, I hate what he did. Lie, I fucking hate his guts right now! But that sounded better. I hate him and her and don't know if I can ever feel different. He said he knows boundaries but he chose to cross them. I asked if he did it to get back at me in some way and he said maybe he did! He says he doesn't know why he did it and he's been lost. Sorry if this is all over, I'm trying to remember and it's coming in pieces.
He talked about her SO and how she said when he left their home, everyone side in relief, but he thought about how when he left our home, everyone was like, what the F just happened.
The fact is, that he left me for this girl he barely knew, was sure about it, and now only sorry because he is realizing he didn't know her and doesn't actually like who she is. But he liked to have sex with her and not me and caused me tremendous pain and psychological issues. I am having ALL kinds of issues that I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with, triggers, my own body, thoughts about sex..I can't go to the bathroom without being reminded of what they did! Sorry, tmi? It's sick and I just think I love myself too much to forgive him for what he did to me!
It was absolutely too much to handle in a 30 minute conversation after all that's happened and I am just overwhelmed, sad, confused and so disappointed that this happened.
Exactly. Too much to handle. You've been a rockstar of a mama for several months on your own. No need to rush to get back with him, or hear him out or anything. Just keep on keepin' on like you have for awhile. Let the feelings of being overwhelmed pass before you really try to analyze what this conversation means. Every BS should take a huge step back to calm down and do some self-care before making any decisions. And especially someone in your situation who is being yanked around.
I would keep up with the 180 if you can. That's for you. And if he's truly remorseful, you focusing on you won't deter him from doing the hard work. Nothing will. He'll do it for himself and for just a sliver of a chance to be with you. If he can't handle the 180 or can't handle you taking a long, deep breath and time to think - then he's not worth it. If he wants to get IC, good for him. But that's on him and you shouldn't have to encourage or reward it.
He says he wants to see the light at the end of the tunnel? FTG, so long as he stays in this mindset. HE can create that light for himself and if you want to go along for the ride later, so be it, after you've had time to think this through.
I hope others who have more intently followed your story come along soon. I'm sure that conversation was gut wrenching.
Step back & give yourself time to process his approach. It sounds like he is putting "the rush" on you. That's never a good thing. It's VERY manipulative.
He threw the ball back in your court. Good. Use it. Keep 180 make him show TRUE intentions.
You can't be the fallback from the barbie tool. You are the wife who was wronged & nice will do nothing for him. It won't change him & he needs to honestly change before he is allowed to be part of your life.
Think ahead Jewlz. He has made GROSS, selfish choices for how long? He can't fluff off the responsibility he chose by his "confession" He has to own it & it bothers me that he hasn't SHOWN anything first, just talk.
It is your life, your choice & you know your own situation best. I trust you Jewlz. I'm just throwing in my 2 cents. Don't forget how valuable of a person you are. Of course he wants to hook up with you, you are faithful & a true warrior. He put you through hell so he knows. But Jewlz, THE BOMB, is WORTH likecharacter, not spineless, cheater mentality.
Can you read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson? It is VERY applicable to our situation.
Thank you for the update & no matter what, you DID get a sorry, I was a dumbass. He can't take it back!
Prayers for you & your family Jewlz. Him too. (Grrrrr) Blessings & God speed!
You don't have to see him tonight, or even tomorrow. It doesn't mean you will never see him. If you need space, tell him that. If you need even more space, tell him not to call you for a few days, while he processes HIS OWN FEELINGS, to make sure they are real, and not just his latest whim.
If he is really coming out of the fog, he will also need to hear your angry feelings, eventually, when you are ready.
Tell him what your conditions are to see him face to face: that he has actually seen an IC? That he is 100% NC with OW, and you want him to send a NC letter to her...that you seal in the envelope and drop in the mail to make sure it actually is sent?
I didn't go through what you did, but my H's behavior really sent me for a loop. 4 years later I am still not secure in the M. I had him write up a post nup, making sure that I wasn't going to get the short end of the deal, should he ever flake out (have an A and dump me and the children) again. You may need something like that, should you decide you can stomach being with him again...
You're a strong woman, who deserves to be cherished, respected, and ....did I say RESPECTED? How is your WH going to show you he respects you now?
I think by now you know I've been closely following your story. I'm worried about you and your state of mind right now. I fear that you may want him back so bad that you may settle for less than you're worth.
That said, I think you SHOULD meet with him face-to-face; HOWEVER, you MUST be prepared for the conversation - more specifically, you must be prepared to TAKE CONTROL of the situation now. I think (and this is just my opinion) that it's important for you to remain on the same course towards your own personal healing. You should continue to build yourself and your children up as if he can step out of the game at any time. This will protect you in the event he loses his mind again. You should go into the conversation with a list of conditions (i.e. he gets independent therapy, shows true remorse, apologizes to your children, replenishes the money in your savings account that he pillaged, stays away from drugs/alcohol, and does some serious work to start fixing the mess he's made).
I stand by the advice I gave you just a couple of days ago - GO GET A MAKEOVER! Start exercizing and regain your physical strength. Go treat yourself to some new clothes and some sexy under garments. Work on the outside to help you heal on the inside. You should do all of this before you meet with him so you can go into the conversation feeling confident and in control. If you truly feel confident on the inside, you will exude confidence and THAT will allow you to grab control and set the tone, especially because he is so vulnerable right now. The fact that the other woman is no longer in the picture should help you gain at least a little relief to focus on yourself a little more now that the threat of her completely demolishing you is less.
If you feel as though there is a glimmer of hope, tell him that you are open to trying to move forward with reconcilliation; however, you discovered a strength in yourself that you never quite realized you possessed. Tell him that divorce is still very much on the table and his actions will dictate whether or not that ultimately changes. Remind him that although you love him, you do NOT need him and that his actions over the past few months have hurt both you and the children immensely and, because of this, you must continue to take steps to protect both yourself and the children from further pain. Encourage him to get therapy for himself AND his children. This will help no matter what becomes of the marriage because it will help him become a stronger father and a stronger man. Remind him that even if you don't get back together, you will be connected for at least another 18 years while your baby grows up and that in order for the two of you to co-parent, he must work through the issues that have brought him to this horrible low. I suspect (actually, I KNOW) that your older children are going to need some kind of counseling and he IS going to need to be a part of that in order to repair his relationships with them. You need to mention this to him. He's really made quite the mess and it's important that he understands the severity of the situation he's caused. You should also mention that no matter how big the mess, with a lot of hard work, dedication, love, and forgiveness, the mess can be cleaned up. This may help him see the "light at the end of the tunnel."
You hold the cards now. Do NOT let him see you sweat! Be strong. Be decisive. Be guarded. Be open-minded. Be firm with him. Be gentle with yourself. Be the better person.
Good luck and please keep us posted on your progress. As always, come here when you need encouragement, advice, or feel the need to vent. We're here for you and sending you strength and best wishes!
ETA: The reason I think you should meet with him is so that you can FINALLY get the conversation he never afforded you on his way out the door. This conversation is for YOU not for him. It's so you can reclaim what was owed to you MONTHS AGO. He deserves to answer for his sins. He deserves to feel awkward and uncomfortable. He deserves to hang his head in shame. Do NOT be charmed by his handsome smile. Do NOT be swayed by his "underwear model" good looks. Be strong and commanding.
[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:13 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]
Again, take your time and do what's right for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. He must live with whatever decision you make. Just don't make a hasty decision while you're still weak and vulnerable.
I agree with Anewday's conditions and Duffy, thank you for your post and book recommendation. I do plan to read something and hope he cares enough to as well.
And yes, the angry feelings are mine for now, I'm not ready to even let him know the depth of how much my soul has been shattered. I just have no idea how to ever make this work. Just because he realizes now that she isn't who he thought she was, I should be there to be his best friend again? He has no one to talk to because of what he's done.
He still brings up about things that were said in front of our children. So, he cheated and went with her and disrespected me so terribly because I said something negative about him in front of our kids!? I reminded him that the reason we were fighting and all that happened was because I felt he was not there emotionally. He was with her.
My mother is worried that I am going to let him come back. So I also have to worry about disappointing others who don't want me to be hurt again and who have had to sit with me while I cried and couldn't get out of bed and suffered. She was there to take care of the kids when I broke down and he was with OW so she has a right to be angry.
I feel like I will always wonder when the next pretty girl will throw herself at him and he will just take it. I can't trust him but I am SO afraid of starting over.
Xanax is kicking in!
Just like when you first found out. You don't have to make any decisions today.
Tread lightly. Yes, you love and hate him at the same time. NORMAL. He is your husband and the father of your children.
But sorry doesn't quite cover this one. It just doesn't.
He has A LOT of work to do on himself first.
He needs some serious IC. Please continue yours as well.
If the lovey dovey stuff is too much to stomach (it was for me after DDay) then tell him please refrain from your expressions of love/caring right now because I honestly can't stomach them.
You have processed so much and went through so much, you can just snap your fingers and welcome him back with open arms. It is not realistic.
Approach this as pragmatically as possible (easier said than done, I know).
Don't worry about disappointing anyone. This is your life and you have to do what is right for you.
R may be possible or you may feel like to much has happened and you can't ever be at peace with all the hurt his selfish behavior caused. Again, you don't have to decide this today.
Keep 180 make him show TRUE intentions.
Heavy sigh and many hugs my friend.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:07 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]
You make a very valid point in will you have to worry about the next pretty girl. Don't forget that & consider it heavily.
If you can at all do the make over. You can even if you have to do it yourself. I so agree with ANewDay about make over. Please?! My new makeup had hubs asking very nosy questions. My new clothes? Look great & he is checking me out. Insert pissed off eye roll. I don't have cell but I am VERY mysterious with my iPad. I HAVE to have it glued to me. I close whatever I am doing when he walks up, just to make him wonder. I could go on about jerking his chain but really, I'm just doing these things for me & he IS reacting. I would like to stab him in the eye. Does that make me a bad person? Lol JK
I'm praying for you Jewlz. God is in control. Listen for His still guidance. XO
He needs a reality check right there. Don't let him get away with THAT if he's stupid enough to bring it up again.