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Newest Member: lynnde (44729)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support/advice needed asap
Newchapter
♀ Member
Member # 36525
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize this is ultimately something that requires legal advice, but wanting to see if anyone else has gone through a similar experience.

Equitable distribution went to trial in January, divorce finalized a few weeks ago Custody was mediated out of court last June.

Have a 16 y.o. son with special needs, only child. Has been in residential treatment for past 17 months and was anticipated to remain there until 18.

Circumstances changed and it was decided among his treatment team he'll transition home into an outpatient program.

At the time custody agreement was made, son was in hospital and at that time we agreed that if he came home he would reside in the 'marital home" with me.

Fast forward to trial. Son was long gone from hospital and in what everyone thought would be long term residential. Therefore, it was decided we would sell the house.

Judge ordered that until house is sold we split mortgage and utilities and both parties could reside in house.

XWH had already moved in with girlfriend even before the trial

A TON of repairs had to made on home and meanwhile things were constantly changing with my son and I am his case manager running at all ends constantly while also trying to keep my part-time jog.

XWH did NOTHING to attend to any repairs or do anything to prep house for sale, I did everything until about 3 weeks ago. Despite that he started threatening me saying I wasn't "cooperating" with divorce decree.

Mind you, there is absolutely NO time or date stipulation whatsoever in the decree and I'm dealing with a very volatile situation with son, having to move him twice and then going back to hospital.

Barely have time to breath, which XWH is fully aware of and does NOTHING at all to help with son's case.

Due to his increasingly hostile and threatening emails regarding sale of the home and the fact that every few weeks he will say out of the blue "I'm moving back home this weekend" or whatever, it seems quite apparent that his girlfriend is giving him ultimatums to get the house sold, get married, or whatever.

He could care less that our son is coming home from the hospital and knows full well the TON of work that has to be done on that front alone.

Today he sent me an email saying if I don't agree to sign a listing agreement for the house by tomorrow he's contacting his lawyer and pursuing things legally.

So there are two considerations:

At time custody agreement was made, which states son will come to live in this house with me, circumstances were EXACTLY the same as they are now, but no one could have forecasted that would be the case when the trial took place.

So there is a huge change in circumstances dealing with our son.

I know this is not the typical divorce house sale situation, but I wondered what you all think and if anyone has ha d a similar experience with an asshole XWH trying to force the sale of the home and essentially put you and your child out on the street. Not to mention the fact that I have 2 dogs.

Even if I did have time to do everything before my son comes homes, which is in less than 2 months, I do not feel it's in his best interest to take a year lease somewhere, him come home to an entirely new surroundings and unfamiliar neighbors, etc without my first making sure that everything will work out with his new treatment team, locate a school, etc.


Me: BS - 52
Him: WS - 51 NPD, 5-year LTA
Filed for D 7/2011

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: North Carolina
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry that jerk is making a difficult situation even worse. A change in circumstance is a valid legal reason to have ANY prior agreement modified. Get thee to thy attorney posthaste...

What an absolute douche!!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't have any experience with this, but wanted to send you some support and wishes that things work out for you and your son. I agree that significant changes should always warrant a revisit..

And yeah, what an absolute douche!!!!!! FTG!!!!!!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2108 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Newchapter
♀ Member
Member # 36525
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Phoenix and Butterfly! What I wrote here is only a fraction of what has gone on. I am literally physically ill over this and had to call in sick to work last week after just returning from visiting my son because the POS burst his way into the house without any forewarning at 1:00am and scared the holy shit out of me. This was following one of his lovely threatening emails about selling the house.

AND we even had a phone conversation right in front of my son's doctor with me sitting next to the doctor that same evening before I came home. XWH agreed that he and I would discuss the house situation and if we couldn't agree we'd enlist the judge who ruled over our custody to mediate.

I knew he had to be BSing because he despises that judge. Sure enough, as I'm at the airport ready to board the plane just an hour after that phone discussion, I get an email saying he is "immediately and aggressively" pursuing the sale of the house because it is "the judges order." He keeps repeating that in all of his emails but of course he knows full well there is absolutely no time or date stipulation and is clearly aware of the major change in circumstances.

And then on top of all of this, I have to act in front of my son like none of this is going on behind the scenes. If he had an idea of even a fraction of what was going on and how abusive his POS father has been towards me and that he's now basically trying to throw me out on the street he would go ballistic.
It is so hard for me to put on this fake facade whenever the topic of his father comes up and act like nothing is wrong.

My hair is literally falling out, I'm sick to my stomach almost daily and barely sleeping. XWH knows all of this and could care less. And then he'll turn around and profess to everyone how he is father of the century and would do "anything" for his son. Really? What about stop trying to put your son's mother 6 feet under when she is the one doing ALL of the work to manage his case and care for him!!!!


Me: BS - 52
Him: WS - 51 NPD, 5-year LTA
Filed for D 7/2011

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: North Carolina
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Honey, I'm so sorry. This is a horrible situation. I agree, it sounds like a significant change in circumstance has taken place. I hope you can talk to a lawyer or Legal Aid or a "friend of the court" tomorrow and get some direction on this.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the fuck is up his ass? Has he NO CLUE on what is involved in raising a child with special needs?!?!

I have two kids with special needs with my oldest just being a year older than yours. My stbx chose to be completely ignorant and completely useless regarding anything that had to do with the children. So I know how you feel.

PLEASE tell me child support will continue past 18.

PLEASE document all the repairs you have made on the home with receipts.

Document the changes in your sons care. Basically, document everything regarding the care of your son.

Document all his emails and texts threatening you to leave the home. How dare he do that to you when you are the only parent your son really has!

Please tell the judge that due to the changes in your sons circumstances, you would like to request that the judge/court to amend their decision to include the ORIGINAL custody agreement.

Your focus should be on yourself and your son. What the fuck is wrong with your ex? I hope the judge sees what a selfish prick.

Due to your childs special needs and his long term needs and because his future living arrangements is uncertain, hold on to the house IF you can continue to split mortgage and utilities.

Your ex is truly broken, selfish, and cowardly like mine. I really feel for you. I wish I could take you out for coffee!! Please please please take care of yourself. See your doctor, therapist. I pray you have support. Take care!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

POS burst his way into the house without any forewarning at 1:00am and scared the holy shit out of me.

No no no no no shit no!!! Did you file a police report?


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, yeah. Court, judge, lawyer, police report. And all those messages to you sound like harassment.

It probably wasn't the best, smartest move legally or financially on my part, but I left the marital home due to his increasing anger and violence. There was NO DAMN WAY I was going to live somewhere that he could walk in whenever he pleases.. I could still move back in, but I'm not doing that unless I get EXCLUSIVE use of it. He should feel lucky I don't go there, and I would NEVER burst in at a time like 1 a.m. That's scary stuff for sure.

Please take care and protect yourself however you can. I wish I could take you out for coffee too..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2108 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Newchapter
♀ Member
Member # 36525
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, Nature Girl, Dmari and Butterly. I can not tell you how much it is helping just to have you all to "talk" to. Here I sit up at almost 2:00am not able to sleep because I am scared to death I will end up sick in the hospital from all of this and my son will suffer so terribly if that were to God forbid happen.

There is SO much I have to put in place for him to come home and obviously I would have been doing it a lot sooner had we known that was ultimately going to happen.

On top of everything else, insurance just pulled the plug at the hospital so in addition to all of this I now have to work my butt off to appeal the denial, which is no easy task as I've been there done that before.

Again, ex is doing NOTHING whatsoever to help out.

As far as filing a police report I tried but because he legally can come and go as he pleases there is nothing they can do.

I have a lock on my bedroom and office door, which I installed right after I filed and he burst his way back in the house after being out fro 2 weeks and has been on a rampage ever since. It's been a year and a half now of living hell, even with him not living here for the past 6 months.

POS ex said in his email today that if I don't sign listing agreement by tomorrow he's contacting his L. He put a list date of July 1st. So that means, all repairs would have to be done, house painted, stuff put in storage, and a TON of packing by that time, and then even if the house sold in the very first day on the market, it still has 30-45 days in contract. So that means that just as my son would be arriving home I would be in the middle of having to find and move to a new house. But again that would only be if the house literally sold in the first day on the market.

Then if it didn't, I'd have my son coming home to a situation with having to constantly show the house and look for a place to move and all of the major stress that goes along with it.

This is a kid with a SEVERE anxiety disorder among other things who is very emotionally fragile. So can you imagine what all of that would do to him, not to mention how I'd even physically survive all of this anyway!!

I am so sick to my stomach and upset I don't know if i will be able to sleep or eat and am so afraid I will get really sick. The stress level has been SO high for such a long time without a break. My son's situation obviously, but it's magnified by about 1000x by all of the crap I've had to deal with my X's abuse, harassment, threats, etc. I feel like I am beyond the breaking point, and obviously that is his goal, to put me 6 feet under so he won't have to pay SS or CS anymore and can live happily ever after with his new GF


Me: BS - 52
Him: WS - 51 NPD, 5-year LTA
Filed for D 7/2011

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: North Carolina
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO NO NO NO NO!! You are not leaving your home. My DD17 also suffers from anxiety and I can't even imagine bringing him home to this situation. NO NO NO NO NO!!

Ok. Let's break this down into manageable bites:
1. Judge ordered that until house is sold we split mortgage and utilities and both parties could reside in house. ~ It should be clearly stated that home should be used exclusively for you and son. It should be clearly stated that unannounced entry into the home is prohibited.

2. As your son's case manager, you should have a chronological timeline regarding his care, doctors appointments, meds, therapy, residential treatment, outpatient treatment, etc. Include the recent health insurance issue.

3. Continue to document threatening emails, texts, and actions (1:00am incident). You may have enough to warrant a restraining order.

I have a feeling he is trying to bully you to sell the home to fuck you up.

4. Does he pay child support and does he cover sons health insurance? Due to sons special needs, please make sure you request that child support continues past 18.

I'm asking until 26. WE know that our children are not going to be "independent" in the normal sense by even 26 but I'm optimistic that the gap between dependent and independent is narrower.

There is not much more you can do right this moment until you can contact your attorney. I am pleading with you to take care of yourself. I hope you don't respond to my post because that will mean you are sleeping. Please see your doctor. You need to be well to continue to fight for yourself and sons welfare.

What kind of IRL support do you have? Parents, siblings, support group? Since your son is being cared for now in residential, YOU need to be seeing your doctor. If you don't take care of you, who will care for your son?


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
SweetheartVixen
♀ Member
Member # 4956
Default  Posted: 2:27 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this. Your STBX sounds so much like mine. He left and I am stuck in a huge house that is badly in need of extensive repair. He wants NO part of it, he has neglected things for 19 years and now it all falls on me with little income.
The other posters are right, see your atty ASAP. I have a strong feeling that things will go in your favor.
I have no kids at home but the stress has made half of my hair fall out along with psoriasis.
Please focus on you and your son and try to ignore his evilness. I know its hard to do. I am having trouble doing it myself but you need to let your attorney rake him over the coals. What an ass!


BS/60s WS/60s Divorcing and not soon enough~!
Its nice to be important, but its more important to be nice...

DD 6-14


Posts: 3096 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: somewhere over the rainbow
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given the situation, is there an option for your son to stay in residential treatment after all?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mentioned the house needing clenaing & repairs. It sounds like you don't have time to get that done just now.

How about you contact a real estate agent and get an estimate from him/her about how much the house would likely fetch if sold "as is" and how much it would get after repairs. Maybe if he sees he stands to lose a large amount of money by rushing things he will back off a bit.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 258 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 13

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