I don't want to examine flaws on my BHs thinking or try to tell him what to think, I just want to try to understand.
We went on a long walk the other night and he was talking about how his school days weren't fun for him. High school was hell for him and college was hard work. He missed out on things like prom and he never really dated much.
I think my A has made him look back with bitterness because he worked very hard to make sure his married life would be good one day. And he ended up being burned by infidelity anyway.
In contrast, I was a party girl in high school and college. I was divorced and a single parent when my BH met and fell in love with me. He was a virgin because he chose to wait until married.
He looks back on his school memories with pain because they were hard. I look back on mine with pain because I can see the crappy decisions fueled by my need to hide from my demons.
Back to the walk....he was saying how he has never gotten to really enjoy life. It has always been hard work for him. Instead of just listening I initially defended that he does fun things now... We travel a little, we go to concerts, etc... He says everything we do now is tainted by the A.
I would be fine with hunkering down in the house (I'm sure I'm depressed) but he really wants to go out and do these things. He loves OLD rock bands... But every thing we do is tainted. And I can see him enjoying himself a bit but still hurting and angry. And there are ALWAYS trigger songs. I believe what he's telling me...everything IS tainted.
He has worked hard. He deserves some good times now. We suffer my consequences together. Do we hold on to each other and make the best of things while waiting for T.I.M.E. to make things better? Will we be watching Lynyrd Skynyrd or Bad Company one day and the taint will just be gone?
He is in IC working through EMDR right now.
All I can do is listen and say, "I'm so sorry I screwed this up for us. I promise I will continue to do the work so we never have to suffer through anything like this again."
Please, I would love input from any of you who have BTDT.