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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why is it so odd / unacceptable to others to not date
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 years out and not in a relationship and I swear to god one day I am going to explode I like my life as it is right now - I have my own house, 2 fab kids - a new job I like - so why oh why can people not stop wondering / asking why I am not dating???

I meet new people and the first question - where is your partner from? Oh you are "alone"? how long ? - 4 years??? - then the pity look followed by the comment - don't worry it will work our for you

It is actually funny reading it back now but in the moment it is just annoying

Why is it so important to people that I have a partner? I will for my life not understand it - ever...


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
time2grow
♂ Member
Member # 35983
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the pity look

In my opinion they are denying their own issues and it's nothing more than egocentric superiority. I don't need people like that in my life.

Its been 2 1/2 years for me, I've run into it a couple of times. I've learned to smile inside and be thankful I don't have the problems they do.


Posts: 1721 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Missouri
inhishands55
♀ Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry about what others say...It took me 5 yrs after the D before I even considered seeing anyone...It is your choice and that way you can focus on you and your children...

Everyone always thinks they know what is best for you..My brothers and friends were always wondering why I didn't have anyone in my life...It was my time for me...When and if you decide to have someone you will..

If you keep a smile on your face people will wonder what you are smiling about...It isn't so bad to be without a relationship...You don't have to clean, cook or answer to anyone...There is advantages to being single...


Posts: 408 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe they are active love and sex addicts and think they would die if they weren't hooked up?

Congratulations on having so much together after 4 years. Good for you! That's so great.

I see my SO 1-2x a week and people look at me sadly like this is not a real relationship and something must be wrong. It makes me second guess myself and us sometimes and then I feel annoyed too.

I think if people can imagine that you have problems or imperfections then they momentarily get themselves off the hook for where they feel unsatisfied or unfulfilled.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are "alone"? how long ?

Strangers seriously ask this question??? Jeez; they'd just get the evil eye from me. That is incredibly rude. I would just not engage with these idiots.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never felt outside pressure to find a romantic partner. Plenty of internal pressure, but that's a different matter.

Maybe this stems from an old sexist attitude that a woman is incomplete without a man? Are these people who give you this nonsense attitude particularly old-fashioned?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this a lot also. It is irritating. It feels like I'm being put on the spot, to explain my personal life to people.

I can't imagine asking people these same questions, or asking a married person, "Are you still married? How's it going?"

The way I look at it, if someone wants me to know something about their personal life, they will tell me. Otherwise, it's really none of my business. But, clearly, not everyone sees it that way.

When people question me about it, I just tell them I'm not seeing anyone and then drop it. I don't owe them an explanation about my personal situation.

What drives me bonkers is when people ask me about my ex's personal life. That's just beyond rude. My standard response, because it's the truth, is, "I have no idea and I don't care what he's doing."


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love it when my grandma looks at me with sadness and says, "Don't worry, you are good wife material, someone will snatch you up soon."
But that's grandma.

Strangers commenting on my lack of a partner? Jeez, I would find that incredibly rude and I'd probably have to give them a raised eyebrow and dare them to continue their line of inquiry.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4684 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You see I am German living in Ireland and my STBXH is Irish now living abroad with OW and twins , so the first question I get all the time - is your partner Irish or German? I would never assume someone is in a relationship, ever, but everyone does - probably because of the kids and when I clarify that I am separated I am getting that look - many, many times

That's mostly people I just meet - and people who know me better either suggest very strongly online dating or casual sex at least
I just don't get it - what does it matter to them how my life looks like - it's similar to the situation I encountered after we split 4 years ago - I decided for the first time in my life not to work for a few months and to be there for the kids after their dad decided not to come home anymore. The grief I got my goodness - not my closest friends thank god but acquaintances mainly... and you know what - it was the best thing I ever did - I stayed home for 9 months and then got a new job after they were ready and I was ready

It felt like it was not acceptable to not work even if by choice

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 7:49 AM, June 3rd (Monday)]


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
need_hope
♀ Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

followed by the comment - don't worry it will work our for you

The appropriate response to this is "Thanks. It already has." And then smile a mysterious smile and move on.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1741 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course people find it odd. Most people are programmed from very early by society, media, etc. that single is a temporary state and the goal is to be paired up.

Single and happy is not something they see portrayed or modeled.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25736 | Registered: Aug 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love it when my grandma looks at me with sadness and says, "Don't worry, you are good wife material, someone will snatch you up soon."
But that's grandma
This had me cracking up because if my Grandmother were still alive I would hear the same thing along with her trying to hook me up with every single woman in the church. My Mother actually told me this when I told her I was getting a D.

Back on topic, I believe many people don't have a clue how to be happy by themselves. Jerry MacGuire was wrong. No one should "complete" you. Your significant other, if you choose to have one, should complement you. You are complete in and of yourself.

People can add or take away from your level of happiness with their actions and how they interact with you but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:45 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 12

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