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Newest Member: graspingstraws99 (45451)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need help with a response
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got the following texts from STBXWW this morning:
<DS16> not answering is unacceptable . I know you think you have the luxury of being "out"
I am going to have <my atty> put a court order that u put him in counseling.

Should I even respond at all?
None of my kids are in IC right now. I tried that as soon as we told the kids and the FC blamed me for the deterioration of their relationship. See below:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=485275&HL=38245
I fired that one.

Now I did start working with a new counselor three weeks ago and have a session scheduled next week. I didn't want to jump right back in until I knew this was the right person. As of now, I still am not sure.

Do I:
1) Respond with crickets
2) write back that I am already doing this and detail my plans?
3) write back that these are the consequences of her choices, and even though I'm already on it (IC for kids) all the counseling in the world isn't going to repair their damaged relationship because she still doesn't own what she did and he told me she's a liar and just cannot trust her again?


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets.
She did not ask a question that I see or anything that required a response. If she wants to blow money on a bogus clause, her call. You've already got them in counseling, she tries to file contempt she will look stupid and belligerent.
My atty told me 16yo is old enough to answer, you don't the blame or responsibility for that one. It would be different if he were 5yo.

Posts: 4719 | Registered: Dec 2009
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets! A 16 yr old is old enough to decide whether or not to respond, and no judge, court order, or counseling is going to force a teenager to answer if he chooses not to because he is angry. She created that relationship mess and she is the one that needs to work on repairing it. Thinking of my own DD16, if I even suggested going to a counselor she would laugh and refuse, and would likely tell a counselor to fuck off anyway (she is a very independent and strong willed young lady). There is no "expert" that can possibly convince her that her anger toward her father is not justified. If your DS is anywhere near bullheaded as my DD, he will sit in counseling to placate you and tune out everything and roll eyes the entire time!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. You're right. She didn't ask for a response. But she obviously wants one or she would have kept that to herself. So if I do respond, I'm feeding her ego. But it is 'about the kids'. So how about:

"Noted. <Fuck you. I didn't need to know that. Per SBB's NC code thread. > As you know, I have already started working on getting the boys to counseling. Remember, we discussed this when I got the EAP information to you so you could set something up for yourself.

I wanted to do at least two sessions with this guy before I brought the boys in. My next session is this week upcoming. If you wish to file something with your atty. please go ahead and do so."


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about it. Is it "really" about the kids or is it "really" about her being pissed off that her child sees her for what she is, and she wants to get a rise out of you. Let her waste her time and money with her bogus filing. You are doing what you are required to do and you are not obligated to explain yourself...


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1206 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets. Any kind of response will feed her ego.

Your DS16 is old enough to decide to answer or not answer phone calls or/and text messages. You can't force a teen to communicate.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets. No question was asked, no response needed.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about "I understand" or just plain "Noted"? KISS, right? Non-committal, indicates you read her note to you, nothing more.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9856 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.Response.At.All. To even say 'noted' will give her the idea that you agree on some level. She didn't ask a question--you shouldn't answer. Just let it go.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20325 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets!

I'm pretty sure this isn't about your son at all. It's about the fact that you've made such huge progress lately in your own personal life. She's probably feeling your self-confidence and happiness return, and, being the emotional vampire she is, she's trying to suck the happiness out of you by making you worry about stuff like this.

Remember how good you feel when you don't engage?


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm probably going against the grain here..

I would normally be all about crickets, but I'm wondering if this is kind of like a medical issue? It seems like one of those topics like extracuriculars or school or religion or something where both parents need to agree to it..

My children are still young, so I would be inclined to respond with something about this type of issue.. But I can see how at 16 perhaps no..

I guess since I'm still in the middle of divorce, I'm doing everything I can to seem like the reasonable parent, so if he brought something up like this with me, I would want to show that I responded. Especially given how smart you are going about the situation with meeting the counselor first, I don't see any reason not to let her know..

I put my kids in weekly counseling MONTHS ago. I told him that I was doing it and never got a response from him, and we haven't spoken of it since. I think it's the type of thing we would need to agree on, so I'm not even asking him for half the co-pays for fear that he will try to stop allowing me to take them.. It would only be about $50 bucks a month for his half, but it's just the type of thing he would cause a stink about and try to "hurt" me over.. It's his world, so I'm sure he would deny the children this just to spite me and not pay me the extra bit of money..

Anyhoo, good luck with your new counselor! The wrong ones can be very damaging, but the right ones can be so helpful.. That was definitely a horrible experience you had, and that counselor was WRONG..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2398 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
FlySomeday
♀ Member
Member # 35150
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets IS the WAY TO GO! Anything else feeds her. She got to you. You just go about your life like you are doing. She will look foolish. Her attorney will roll his eyes at her and unless she has money to flush, I doubt she'll file anything!! You are doing what you are supposed to be doing from your end. When you are ready for the kids to go to a counselor, I presume she will be notified. She sounds so entitled. BLAH Trying to intimidate you while you are doing everything you can for your children. Really now. no response is necessary. I'll wrap up with a quote I just recently scooped. The best response to a fool, is no response. There you go!! Let us know how things turn out.


Digging Deep in the Mud

Posts: 232 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Virginia
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you all were right...AGAIN! When will i ever learn??? WTH was i thinking. Crickets (her ring tone, BTW) was the answer, but I texted back, "noted." Then, i texted back the details about the counseling session i had a session set up. I thought it was the right thing to do to keep her informed.

I was then summarily attacked for leaving her out of choosing a counselor and firing the first counselor because i "didn't like how she portrayed me"??!?!?...

It was a double bind. i can't win for losing. She even went on to say, "don't act so innocent! Your friends are setting you up with <somebody, i've never head of and can't remember her name>" This was a surprise to me. i've never even heard of this girl. I must have some really good friends...

She sucked me right in, and i fell for it. We 'discussed' everything but counseling. She's pissed that i hired a sitter for DS11 while i'm at work. She says i'm doing a poor parenting job with DS16 because i'm not making him watch his little brother this summer. She blames me for EVERYTHING.

I'm doing the best i can with what i have to work with. She fucked coworker, rebuffed my attempts to reconcile, started a new relationship with 'Dallas' and moved out. Said i was emotionally unavailable and all kinds of ugly things about me that were basic rewrites of the marriage history. I have never been violent in my life, but suddenly she was afraid i might hurt her or the kids.

i don't understand why!!! What can she possibly gain from all of this? Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone? I was having such a good day, too. I planted my garden, and sprayed my lawn. Just planted a new palm for my pool. got my laundry done and got my first run in since my marathon in early May.

You all were right! phmh and Phoenix hit the nail on the head. This wasn't about the kids at all. This was about her trying to get to me. Her losing control. Her not being so happy with how her glib plans are working out. FTG(irl)!!! My life is going to be so much better without her.


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like FTB(itch). Yeah, what.a.bitch.

I seemed to be the only one who thought you should have responded to the counseling thing, and I think I stand by that purely from a "trying to look good to a judge" standpoint, but engaging in the rest was a big no-no.. I would have recommended crickets for anything else it led to..

Blaming you for getting set up with a girl OMG. These stupid waywards are SUCH hypocrites!!!

I don't understand why!!! What can she possibly gain from all of this? Why can't she just leave me the fuck alone?

Ego kibbles, I imagine. And NPD tendencies as you better not dare be happy without her..

Sorry you fell of the wagon. The good thing is that you can always get back on. I'm guessing it's time to go dark and wait to see if she puts up or shuts up on contacting her lawyer about this. I don't see you doing anything wrong, completely focusing on what's best for your son, so don't let her words get to you. FTB!!


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2398 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During my D from XWH#1, my DD18 refused counceling. I did however put my DS8 in counceling because of his behavior during the D toward me. It was Ok with the X until the councelor started seeing how he manipulated our son and she changed her mind about him in a hurry. Then the X tried to get me to stop taking my son to this coucelor and wanted his own and of course me to pay for it too. She will not be happy with what the councelor tells her in the end. The best thing for you to do is crickets to her text. First she has to get him to go on his own and then she can't control what he says when he is there. It is all mind games they play to get to us. It's just a shame that the kids are the ones that suffer. Good Luck!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 15

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