My BH has frequently been hesitant to talk about his feelings and what he's going through due to my A. When I asked him about this he would say it wouldn't do any good and it would send me into a downward spiral.
I think he was right that in the beginning I was so consumed with guilt, shame, and self hatred that I would take any excuse to go into a downward spiral. That was making things all about me even though I was verbally encouraging him to express his feelings.
Now I am mindful to focus on him when he is sharing. I have stopped reacting to his pain with panic or hopelessness and am focused on listening and working to understand his feelings. I think before I was focused on finding solutions which won't work here because he has to work through his feelings and healing on his own.
Now that I am working on being a safe place for my BH to share he does so more and more. He also appreciates that I share with him without having to be interrogated.
I think he needs to get it out cuz I deserve whatever he says. I think I understand what you mean here, but I also agree with BBFF. Let your hearing him come from a place of love and caring for him rather than a place of sacrifice because of your guilt.
It's good you are both in IC.
do I try to get him to talk or just let him go at his own pace? I think it's good to encourage him to talk without pushing him. Let him know it helps you to be able to talk with him about what he's going through. It's an opportunity for you to show empathy and love.
Edit to fix typos as usual.