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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: AP misses my friendship
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Stop  Posted: 12:03 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My AP and I have a mutual friend, and on occasion he reaches out to her to see how I'm doing. Today, he asked if I was dating, if my husband and I were working out, and told her that he missed me. Meanwhile, he is still married,and I guess his wife is making his life miserable, not that I blame her.

I have asked her, my friend, not to communicate how I feel with him, how my life is progressing, etc.,

But now tonight I find myself missing him, help me. I haven't felt this way in weeks.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For one thing, third-party communication is the same as breaching NC.

For another thing, I would think that someone who is both a friend to you AND a friend to AP is NOT a friend of the M - ESPECIALLY if a topic of conversation is how you are doing in your M. That should be no one's business but yours and your BS's.

For yet another thing, AP's situation should be of absolutely no concern to you. You have enough things to deal with on your own: both you and your BS need your whole time and attention right now, and if you really want to R, you don't need to have your headspace be anywhere but at home.

Do you have appropriate boundaries set up?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked her, my friend, not to communicate how I feel with him, how my life is progressing, etc.,

It needs to stop in this direction, too. You need to change the subject when she talks about him. The responsibility is yours.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may need to consider letting go that friend.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have enough things to deal with on your own

Yes KB, we do...


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks y'all.

I've considered that I might need to stop talking to this friend, and I have asked her to no longer mention to me when he calls or reaches out to her. I am pretty sure he only reaches out to her because he knows I have a chance of hearing about it. So if she doesn't respect my wishes going forward, I'll have some decisions to make.

I came here for my own little 2x4 because I couldn't believe I was missing a man who was so willing to destroy my life with me, and appears willing to continue to do so.

I definitely don't miss him this morning.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't believe I was missing a man who was so willing to destroy my life with me, and appears willing to continue to do so.
Remember that last part to help motivate you to stay NC. Not only did he help you stab your BS in the back, but with every attempt to get in contact with you, he brings his arm back for another stab to your BH. He's still inflicting pain and damage.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardlessons,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38078 | Registered: Sep 2007
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWMEH13,

Did you share this with your H?

He has a right to know that OM is trying to reach out to you, and he has a right to know that this friend(?) is willingly going along for the ride.

I kept many secrets from my wife and when we entered into recovery, I agreed to complete transparency. Transparency and rigorous honesty are a must in recovery. Without these tools in place, recovery is not real, it's false..... Just more lies...

[This message edited by Card at 3:43 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Card - Does your BH know about this?

One more question, did your friend know about your A? and if so, did the support it?


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
WWMEH13
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH does not know as we are separated and have not discussed it.

My friend did know about the A, but neither encouraged or discouraged saying, I was going to do what I wanted.


WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing


Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost of the opinion that, separated or not, as long as you are still on speaking terms, you should tell your BH about it, as well as whether or not you intend to keep this friend in your life and what you intend to do other than that.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
september rain
♀ Member
Member # 18855
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember when the MM in my own situation kept trying to communicate that he missed me several months after our A had ended, and when he was supposed to have been trying to fix things with his poor BS. Like you, when he did that, I also felt like I missed him and still wanted to talk to/be with him. I was single and he also kept trying to find out if I was seeing anyone (I wasn't, but it was none of his business what I was doing, nor mine what he was doing).

What snapped me out of the insanity of missing him, finally, was the recognition of who he really was, a man who hadn't thought of his wife's feelings, or his marital vows to her, before initiating an EA and PA with a work subordinate, and who was then contacting that former co-worker while he was supposed to be recommiting to and reconciling with his wife.

Now, granted, I was equally guilty in the A and should have also thought about his wife and family. But still, that's the kind of person he was. And that's the kind of person your AP is, also, except that, since you were M also, he gave no consideration to your BH as well as none to his BS.

In my mind, the reaching out to an A partner after it's ended, whether it's to tell them you miss them or just to "keep in touch", is a form of attempted control, as well as more than a touch of egotism and arrogance.

I am glad you recognized your feelings of missing him were not right, and that you've maintained NC. If I were you, though, I'd seriously consider ending your friendship with that mutual friend.


Remorseful, ashamed and "recovered" FOW and FWSO
Newly married and afraid of the Karma bus

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 13

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