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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stressing about money
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in dire straits. I'm just discouraged. A number of financial disappointments have added up to a low grade anger around money, and I need to let it go.

It's all about the kids. Things were lining up in such a way that I felt confident that they would be well provided for, both for their college and also their eventual inheritance.

Well, division of assets and big lawyer fees substantially drained the savings and retirement funds. Child support and alimony have crippled my ability to build a nest egg, much less save for the kids' college. My ex, who has a better standard of living than me, has told the kids she is not saving for their college.

My mother was worth over a million, but she never made gifts to her children and never set up trust funds, so her entire fortune has been handed over to the nursing home. Before long, her money will run out and she'll be on Medicaid. Thank you Alzheimer's. And thank you Mom for being a member if the Hemlock society. That plan worked out well, didn't it? I know how cold that sounds, but I'm dumbfounded by her complete lack of concern around preserving her inheritance. Her wealthy parents set up a trust fund for her before they ended up in the nursing home. You would think she might have thought to do the same for her children, but nope.

Well, that inheritance was not money I would have earned, so easy come easy go on that one. But still, it would gave been nice to be able to pass that on down to my own children.

My identity has been around being a provider, so it pains me that my kids will have to pretty much do it on their own.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My older two funded their last two years of college themselves. It gave them a sense of pride and ownership of their lives. Don't despair, it will build character. Both of my kids also had no debt and didn't borrow money.

As for your mom, she also paid for her care and didn't have her burden laid at the feet of taxpayers so you and your kids would inherit. Something else you can be proud of, not becoming part of the entitled section of the country.

You need to do the best you can and be thankful for what you have instead of worrying about what may have been. Your kids see and your ex wife won't find happiness with money when its all about her.

Being a provider is not doing everything for your kids, its teaching them how to stand on their own feet. That is the true job of the parent. Be there to catch them when they fall, to offer them money when things get a little tight, but teach them to be thankful in all circumstances.



Posts: 2164 | Registered: Mar 2011
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey O... good to see you.

I don't have any advice but I can tell you I can relate to just about everything you said, right down to your mother and those circumstances.

Wish I had more for you than that... guess all I have are understanding and one of those annoying ole girl hugs for you.

(((O)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15382 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I funded all four years of college myself and turned out just fine.

But stressing over finances still sucks.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13687 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see you, OIAL!

The shock about money still hurts me too. How much I lost during the marriage when he was having affairs, how the retirement account was blown while supporting the year when he had no job (but was having affairs) and how now I can't save very much money.

I honestly just try not to think about it too much. If I project to far into the future, it...well...freaks me out. I do what I can, but I focus on today.

I save what I can, I have money in my kids savings accounts that I haven't touched and add to it every year. It will at least get them started in college, and that is the best I can do. Their Dad? Nothing. He has saved nothing for them.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4112 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's done. Do what you can moving forward.

I feel the same about my wxh. If he had contribute his fair share to our finances, my retirement would be in much better shape. My new plan for retirement is a rich old guy with a heart problem.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7550 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j:
My new plan for retirement is a rich old guy with a heart problem.

Somebody wanna hand me a towel so I can wipe the coffee off of my computer?
end t/j

OIAL, I get your frustration regarding your X not saving for college. Ex-shat makes 6 times what I make and is not putting a dime away for Teslet's future education. All I can do is the best that I can with the resources that I have and take time to teach him to be financially responsible.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the feeling; I will have to work for the rest of my life.

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself. Just don't let it define you. Like the others said, the kids can take care of their educations; lots of us do.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20019 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think wontdefineme put it very well OIAL. Vent away my friend, and I hope that helps you to make your way to a grateful perspective for all that you do have, as well as the importance of teaching your kids to learn to stand strong on their own.

I'm working on that with my 18 and 20 year old. DD20 gets it moreso than DS18, but then she always has, lol. But we're getting there.

I feel fortunate that we're doing okay - not "school is completely paid for, money lying around to burn" (wouldn't that be something? ) but bills are all paid, kids are working and going to school, I have a nestegg, and we're making it.

Honestly, it's a far cry from how I was raised, which was an extremely modest family income, I helped pay bills with my part time jobs in high school. So I guess that does affect my frame of reference and perspective.

You're a good dad OIAL.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4458 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to much of what you have said, though I have no children and don't have the college worries.

My short marriage to my crazy ex bled me of much of my pre-marital resources. Before my marriage, I had saved and worked very hard and was set up to retire early and comfortably.

But five years of marriage to the lunatic, with his cheating, not working and his crazy business schemes cost me plenty. I was able to get a legal annulment, thank God, so at least I don't have to pay that loser alimony!

I have my own business. After the D, I struggled but was able to buy my own home. I worked so hard to recover from the damage he did financially that I made myself sick. I now have RA. I do believe it has a lot to do with the stress he brought into my life.

My meds cost about $3,000 per month, insurance covers a lot of it, but I still have a huge deductible each year. I'm not able to work like I did before and I may end up disabled. It sucks. Plus my industry has been put in a total upheaval.

That said, I'll take the RA and the financial uncertainty my future holds over being married to a man who cheats, lies, won't work and who came up with crazy and expensive business schemes that cost me a lot so that he could keep me in a state of confusion so I wouldn't figure out what he was really up to.

I'm five years out from my marriage. I see things much differently than I did before. My priorities have changed greatly. And, with everything I'm concerned about, my life is "real" and no more lies!

Good luck to you!


Posts: 1397 | Registered: Oct 2008
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear ya-- hopefully, STBX won't do anything stupid with our children's 529s, but if he does, then our kids will do just have to do what I did-- apply for financial aid and scholarships and then fund their undergrad and grad school educations themselves. I had a few years of college loan debts, but in the end, I felt proud that I paid for it myself. My parents did help me out at first, but I paid them back. That's something you can think about-- giving your kids interest-free loans when the time comes. While your money isn't making money through a typical investment (like a money market fund or in an IRA), you are making a long-term investment that benefits you-- your kids will be getting the educations that they need so that they can become independent, self-sufficient adults who aren't living in your basement for their entire adult lives!

I'm sorry that the nursing home care will eat up your mother's entire estate. While I agree that it's the honorable thing to do, it certainly would have been nice if you or your kids had been gifted some of that money. As I told you before, that happened to my mom-- she was a good daughter who did a lot for her parents, and although they didn't have to give her all of their money, it would have been nice if they had gifted her more to make her life a little bit easier (and my parents are ultra-responsible people who never asked for a dime, so I feel they should have benefited from the estate more than they did).


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3572 | Registered: Oct 2011
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've got 8 brothers and sisters and my parents put all 9 of us through private catholic schools...

My dad died when I was a junior in high school so the income dried up with 2 in college, 2 in high school and 1 in grade school...

What happened? We all went to and graduated from college... We worked and borrowed to pay for it... It was the most accomplished feeling I've ever had when I handed in my final paper for college... My college education is what I worked for, earned for and studied for... It defined me...

My mom died 7 years ago... From her estate I got $25,000... I donated it to my high school...

My parents believed in education... They weren't out to leave us anything but the tools and education we needed to be successful on our own...

All 9 of us did it.... We're all self made and successful people... Most of the "trust babies" I know are worthless...

Instill the ability to be self sufficent in your kids and they'll be a lot happier than some punks that live off their parents inheritance...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5969 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. It's a mental adjustment that I need to make, to accept that my girls are going to have to be largely self-sufficient (unlike my XW). Also, an adjustment as to how I look at myself. I certainly can't stand a sense of entitlement in others, so maybe in some backwards way this is all for the best.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a mental adjustment that I need to make, to accept that my girls are going to have to be largely self-sufficient

Teaching your girls to be self-sufficient is a greater gift than money. So is being the good father that you are.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13722 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
forced2moveon
♀ Member
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 19 yr old daughter knew I couldn't afford college so she's working 2 part time jobs and paying for her own education. She's learning a great life lesson to be self-sufficient and I could not be more proud of her! She's also a great example to her younger brothers!

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am stressed about my child as well. That being said I was given this advice. Save for your savings/retirement because there are programs if they need additional funds for college. There are no options for you and when you are older you don't want to be a financial burden to your children. Some of the top schools will if your child gets in have amazing financial aid programs. They are lucky to have you look so far ahead.

Posts: 928 | Registered: Jul 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL,

I have 4 DD's, one just graduated college with her bachelors, One will graduate next year, another the year after. And 2 years after that the youngest will graduate. She just graduated HS last week.

My X pays nothing toward the girls college. I pay what I can, fill out forms, and put money into accounts in an emergency. I also pay for their phones. They will each have about 1 years worth of tuition in college loans to pay off. They ALL work 2 jobs to pay for college. youngest 2 graduated HS Suma Cum Laude while working those jobs.

They are accomplished, know that they can overcome any obstacle with hard work and perseverance. I hate to say it, but they are more responsible and mature than a lot of their class mates. My girls know how to take care of themselves, while a lot of other kids are looking to their parents to do it.

When awarding scholarships one college told my DD no matter what her grades were (they were very high) She would NOT get a full free ride. The school discovered that kids who got everything paid for them.. didn't take college seriously. Those that had to pay something, were the ones that did better and finished with a 4 year degree. If they owed money, they worked for it and appreciated the fact that it wasn't free. they took pride in their work both in school and at work. So at that school NO ONE gets a free ride... they might come close. But the kid will not gett the last 2 grand paid for.

I found that interesting...


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 17

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