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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: outing the OM: should I do it, or BH?
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alphakitt...

Adam, the predominant feeling amongst most BS's, especially women, is tht we don't want to hear one word from your WaywardWife!!! Ever.

Regardless of what forum you posted the above in...its out of line and will not be tolerated. Do not presume to speak on behalf of anyone here and please do not insult any member, we are all here to better ourselves, despite your personal feelings about the WS's.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198282 | Registered: May 2002
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, not all of us get apologies from the AP. Many of us don't. Sadly, you're apparently in that boat with those of us like that. I'm sorry for the pain that causes you. However, in our boat, we don't know the pain of having the AP shoved in our faces, arriving at our door, receiving a letter, etc. I've read those horror stories too on SI over time, and I can't say I envy their boat either. Infidelity sucks all the way around.

Kind of think of it like young girls with curly hair always wish they had straight hair, but girls with straight hair wish they had curly hair. Neither can see the cons of the other side, only the benefit.

I understand the lack of apology from your WW's AP may be disrespectful to you and painful, but likewise, please understand your WW's communication at all may be equally as disrepectful and painful to the OBS.

I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

Again, Adam, I am so sorry for your pain. This thinking here will fade in time as you become stronger. You'll realize there is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do to control the OM returning to your WW or your WW returning to him. They certainly didn't ask anyone's permission before, and they wouldn't again. That's the personal growth journey of each WS. It's her choice. It might be hard to see right now through your pain, but letting go of her choices is the healthiest thing for both of you. She's on here, she's posting. So, that means she's trying. There's hope here. Watch actions like those, but try to focus on things within your true control. As backward as it sounds, try to be supportive of her through her healing too. The two of you together can come out far stronger than you were before through all this.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

No argument here. I only ask you to consider you may not have the answer as to what the "fix" way is.

I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

Give her time. It will take a loooong time for that feeling to go away. Long-term, consistent actions will show you how important you are to her, how she abandoned him to save her M with you. She's already chosen you. His life is about to be a train wreck. Don't envy him. There's nothing there to envy.

i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me.

What kind of retaliation are you referring to? Have her draft the NC letter to the AP, review it together. Once you approve it, send it. If he contacts either of you again at all, consider harassment charges or a restraining order depending on the methods used.

Hugs to both of you. Kudos to both of you, also. Your honesty as you sort through these feelings and thoughts together is commendable.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Shutup  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if any BSs were offended, I didn't know I wasn't allowed to create threads in General.

Thanks for all the advice.

That's the personal growth journey of each WS. It's her choice.

I understand now why so many SI'ers stress the importance of self-examination and repair. Without it, recidivism seems almost certain. I'm sorry my infidelity was the impetus, but I'm finally digging into the CSA that so clearly damaged me. It's scary, because the "damage" has (I believe) largely shaped my personality. Will BH still love the "healed" version of me? The worst part is: even if the answer is "no," I have to proceed anyway.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
windowsnotwalls
♀ Member
Member # 36983
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will BH still love the "healed" version of me? The worst part is: even if the answer is "no," I have to proceed anyway.

Very healthy statement there. Even on the BS side, I had to examine the same question. Yes, whether the BS or the WS, both parties have to make that personal choice to examine the brokenness within, heal it...or not. There are all kinds of people on SI here on many sides of that spectrum. Some the WS didn't grow, some the BS didn't grow, some neither did......then there's the success stories where both partners did. I wish you guys the latter story. It's scary, but so well worth it.


"She stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails" (Elizabeth Edwards).
http://youtu.be/62oby83NtGw
Forever Conditionally Detached

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Pittsburgh, PA
Betrayeddaddio
♂ Member
Member # 30198
Question  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the BH in this situation, I would like to cover the reasons why I think it should be my WW that should make the contact and not me.
1) I personally would like to get an apology from the APs.

2) The apology has to come from WS. I can't do that for her.

3) I want the "outing" to come from WW to help insure that the AP never wants to chance contacting WW again. I want him to blame her.

4) WW caused the issue. It's her job to fix it.

5) I want the feeling of WW betraying her APs for me, since she betryed me for them.

6) i believe retaliation from the AP is less likely if it comes from WW rather than me

7) BS's reaction to finding out the person in front of her had an affair with her husband is never predictable, but violence is a real possibility.

Is possibly being assaulted a part of the WW's penance?


BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 708 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BetrayedDaddio, showing up on their doorstep isn't practical, as the Atlantic Ocean separates our homes. Even if it were, yeah, I agree that wouldn't be smart or kind. We're talking email here.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my humble opinion that a former wayward should NOT be the one to disclose such painful news to a betrayed spouse. You are about to turn this persons life upside down. Think about who the messenger needs to be.

Kudos to you and your spouse for being UNITED in disclosing the truth and putting another nail in the coffin of your affair.

Please let the news about the betrayal come from another betrayed spouse in this situation.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
hatefulnow
♂ Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a matter of empathy. When I told OM wife what was going on she cried, I cried and we comforted each other. I didn't expect that because, with the exception of the initial discovery, I don't cry...ever!

If my wife had gone to her, I have little doubt that this woman could have hurt my wife, badly. Apparently OM is a problem child and she stuck by him no matter what.

What I suggest is you give the news but offer to have your wife apologize, in a public place if she wants it in person, or by letter. As someone already stated, I imagine that women, after spending years with a man, suffering all the tortures of hell to bear his children, making every sacrifice imaginable and generally putting up with his crap, would probably not want to hear anything from their husbands lover. Even if your wife is sensitive and compassionate, I doubt it would be perceived that way by the BW.

Whatever you decide I wish you good fortune.


Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would rather hear it from the BS, personally. But I understand your BS reasons for choosing for you to own up to your mistakes and I respect your willingness to do it.

Not to sound picky, but if you do intend to write a letter, I would reword it. If this is truly about giving an "opportunity" to the BS, why don't you count how many times you use the word, "I".

Further, apologizing that the information you are sharing might be hurtful ISNT an apology.

My suggestion?
"My husband and I debated back and forth about whether or not to tell you the truth, but both of us feel that you deserve to know what has been going on. I am ashamed to tell you that cake eater and I have been having an affair for (insert amount of time). I know that there is nothing I can ever say that will ever be enough, but for what it is worth, I would like to say how sorry I am for hurting you. I intend on having no contact with your husband now, or at any point in the future. If you would like more information or anything else at all, please contact me or my husband. Again, I am unbelievably sorry."


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissD
♀ Member
Member # 39377
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I'm very sorry if this information hurts you, or comes as a surprise.

If it hurts, I cant imagine this news would not hurt.


I'm ashamed to admit I recently had an affair with your husband, Cake Eater. I'm married, and knew he was

Any info beyond "I had an affair, I'm sorry" IMO should be disclosed at the request of the BS.

As a BS the letter seems condescending to me.


Posts: 70 | Registered: May 2013
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't really read through all of the posts, but wanted to offer my advise.

I was also a WW that was on AM.

First I think you need to keep it less about you - your example reeks of me me me. If you want to apologize, keep it simple but factual. Give her the OM's AM name, some facts that only someone who knows him would know - a specific body mark for example. Tell her where you got together - hotel, car, house.

When we outed the OM, we made a fake email account. I searched google to find her work email so that the OM could not intercept the email. I told her how we met (AM), a brief description of our A (got together every 2 weeks at their house), specifics about their house and the room we were in (Room color & decorations), a tattoo that he had (near his ass that you could only see when he was naked). You want to give enough details that he can not lie his way out of it when confronted.

To me, it looks like your example was written by your BH. You mention nothing that really gives proof. Don't offer her the opportunity for more information - give it to her now.

After we sent our letter to the OBS, she emailed us back to thank us and said that he had already confessed to multiple A's (my BH email him weeks before threatening to tell his BW if he tried contacting me again) And that she also agreed to NC from this point forward.

Again, make your letter factual and less about you. Make the apology much simpler because in all honesty, she won't give a damn about how sorry you are.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it kinder to the OBS if the messenger is my BH, or me?

Its kinder to hear it from your BH.

If you do it, it just might be met with some choice words, or worse, a fist.

Besides that, it gives your BH some power back. Would probably be very satisfying for your BH to out your OM. Although he probably won't relish the hurt your OM's wife will feel. But it needs to be done. She deserves to know....from your BH


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case I would want to hear from the BH.

I can relate to the BH, I can't relate to you. You were the one who made a conscience choice to cheat with my husband. I am going to loath you and rightfully so.

I say BH because he can position it that he would have wanted to know if they found out prior to your revealing. He can apologize from his perspective. He is sorry your and their WS's actions caused such hurt and destruction to your families but he felt compelled to tell them the truth because they deserved to know.

Getting a message from you will only look as if you are rubbing in in their noses and I personally would not want to hear from you.

I would also send two separate communications vs. one to two people. That only brings added insult to injury.

Good luck to you. I hope through IC and MC you and your husband can find your way back to one another. Your husband sounds like a great guy.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Apr 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS - what is AM?


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Apr 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Faith: one doesn't realize how great a guy one's husband is, till he stands by your side and supports you, even when you lied and cheated and TT'd. I was a fool to ever question his love for me.

AM=ashleymadison.com the cheaters' dating site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 5:31 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 3rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. The same goes for the BS realizing that the WS has qualities that are worth fighting for and love that is genuine.

It is a terrible experience but one that truly opens your eyes, hopefully on both sides.

Good luck to you both.

Did you send the messages?


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Apr 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO this is a pretty clear cut deal.

BS should tell the other BS's.

WS should write NC communication , approved by BS.

The reasons - Direct accountability and relationships. BS is impacted in similar ways and expression of emotional impact is most genuine. Not saying WS's are sorry, but just as the BS can't experience all the euphoria of cheating, the WS can't experience all the pain of being betrayed. Can't live someone else's feelings.

WS had the relationship with OP. They should bethe one to end it.

Just my two cent...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

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