SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are still S. WH has been wooing and wanting to R, YET--he still refuses to make rock solid plans to do so. Always wishy washy, gets gung ho for a few days, then he is MIA emotionally and physically.

And basically I'm tired of the dance, the fence sitting, the limbo. I want my life back 100%.

So, this morning we talked on the phone and I said its "shit or get off the pot time" and said I would be scheduling with a divorce clinic next week and we can both go in and figure everyting out. I told him calmly and matter-of-factly. (because its how I feel)

He doesn't want to talk divorce. And, his reaction to me saying earlier "Ok, then I will move back in with you in a couple of weeks and we start MC immediately" also had him panicked and he didn't know how to respond.

Which tells me he probably is playing both me and the OW still.

So apparently it is possible for a WH to talk about R, and plan for his BS to move back in...at some point soon....but still be cake eating?

He is either not sure of what he wants yet (or who he wants yet honestly) and is stalling me for as long as possible.

So he tells me on the phone before we hang up "Lets talk more this weekend."

I said "no more talking is needed. If you seriously aren't ready for me to move back in immediately and start MC immediately, then you don't want R."

I added "Look, its just divorce. Its not so tragic. We can handle it."

He went silent then.

I hung up, I had to get to work.

Fence sitting? Cake eating? Both? Probably both.

Anyway, going through with the divorce clinic next week.

I want the D done, and I want to find a nice man someday. I realize I do want that companionship of someone special.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 10:57 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Really, the nerve. When you got married, Spelljean, I imagine you thought you were done with the "dating scene" and that your WH made up his mind and made his choice. To expect you to go through that whole dance again is ridiculous.

Yeah, I don't see what your WH thinks is so appealing for you to be separated and "dating" your WH. Fuck that shit. You are married. Or, you are not. Simple.

eta: I personally feel he is fence sitting. Knock his ass off the fence Spelljean.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:04 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

I am so sorry. I don't know the details of your story, but it sure sounds like he is not interested in R right now. If he can't commit, today, to what you need to make this work, then you are wise to proceed in whatever way you have to in order to protect yourself.

I have read so much on here about affair fog, fence sitting, cake eating, etc.

I can't say which it is with him, but you know that right now he isn't interested in R.

So I guess it may not matter which he is, fence sitter, cake eater, etc, it's still the same end result.

I am so sorry and take care of yourself!

So apparently it is possible for a WH to talk about R, and plan for his BS to move back in...at some point soon....but still be cake eating?

Absolutely.

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head here. Panic was the easiest telltale sign that FWH was lying.

If he "wants" R but doesn't want to commit to a deadline for beginning... well, there's really only one reason for that.

Stay strong and on your course. It MAY yank him out of his fog when he's got the divorce paperwork in front of him, or it may be the road to you getting your life back.

Either way, you win.

((((Spelljean)))

I asked him point blank "Are you still seeing the OW?"

He said no.

Don't believe him now!

Fence sitting? Cake eating? Both? Probably both.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'd go to the clinic and go 180/NC on him. So sorry you are going through this.

Hang in there.

He may or not be, Spelljean. It is hard to believe liars. It is hard to trust. I feel he is fence sitting, but of course I have no way of knowing. He maybe NC with OW, but he didn't "break up" with her totally if you get what I mean. I feel he left the door open so he can go back if you don't work out. He is coming to you with one foot out the door. He isn't committed, doesn't really matter so much why, does it?

((((Spelljean))))

I thoroughly sympathize with being in limbo.

I have to say though- if he's involved with OW in anyway, you're not in limbo, IME. You're either in an open M of sorts or no M at all. A M is two people. Not one, not three or more.

He's chosen to date, so he's choosing not to be M. He's likely testing his options- who will make the least demands of him.

It looks like you're where you need to be- willing to be without him rather than accepting less than you deserve. Just like you need to decide what you expect from the D, you need to decide what you need to remain M. He's shown complete dismissal of you, your heart and the institution of M. How can he show you he's ready to change all of that and remain the husband you deserve for the next many decades?

If he can't or if he refuses...then you'll know. No limbo, no wondering. You're not a puppy to be picked from the litter. If he can't commit, he doesn't need to be in your life taking away energy you could put to better use.

Yeah, you finally just get to that point where YOU now don't want to sit and wait for your own life to get back on track. Instead of waiting on him and being a "possibility".

It really is a freeing feeling. You will still have sad days but mostly it will be fewer and farther between once that big huge weight you have been dragging around is let go.

Thanks everyone. I feel fine actually.

Just always amazes me how much someone will try to get away with if you allow them to.

Still, to take advantage of someone that cares about you isn't something I could do to someone.

I had been in a somewhat vulnerable state and he knew it and used it to fence sit, or whatever he has been doing.

Mental abuse and not even in a mild form.

Good for you that you didn't fall for that old stalling tactic, "we'll talk tomorrow/this weekend/next Tuesday..." blah blah blah.

That's just a way to buy more time and keep you hanging on the fishing line while he continues to play both sides of the fence.

Good for you, moving forward and making your OWN choices. That's what it's all about.

I'm sorry Spelljean. Tell him you're tired of relationship hokey-pokey. Put your whole self in, or take your whole self out!

So apparently it is possible for a WH to talk about R, and plan for his BS to move back in...at some point soon....but still be cake eating?

Not just possible, but extremely common. They'll do it as long as you let them.

Actions actions actions. He's doing jack shit. (Well ok, he's doing OW)

Actions are what I'm all about. All I have been getting are words.

Actions are what I'm all about. All I have been getting are words.

Amen. It's difficult for BS to grasp this, from letting hope blind us (the BS Fog), but actions are everything.

OW has no doubt been getting lots of "words" too but she can have the whole rotten enchilada now if she wants.

All I know is its the first time my WH said "We need to talk about it later this weekend" and I came back with a "No more talking is needed" response.

'Cause I really don't want to talk about anything.

Here is what WH could "DO"

1. Bring a U-haul and move my stuff back into the house immediately.

2. Schedule a MC session himself and be early to arrive to the first appointment.

3. Turn over his cell phone to me as a gesture of trust and commitment.

But I really don't care if he doesn't do all that.

Just an example of actions versus words. Not that everyone here doesn't already appreciate the difference.

Good on you, spelljean. To everything there comes a time, and it looks like it's your time to be freed from this circular hell. (((hugs)))

(((HUGS))))

Stand your ground. You deserve better and you know it.

Either way, you win.

Yep. I always think waywards should be shown the door. Then they can knock and pound and beg to get back in, doing EVERYTHING you need and want to make this work and help you heal, or they can walk away since they were never going to be faithful or do what it takes to recover from this anyway...

None of this in between time, cake eating, fence sitting, emotionally abusive "deciding time." It just amazes me how selfish these waywards are when they pull this crap.. ONLY thinking about themselves..

Good for you.. You aren't letting him manipulate you one bit, and that shows a lot of strength on your part..

Big hugs..

Honey, file for divorce.

Shut. The. Door.

I realize that this year has been full of ups and downs for you. But think about it. It has been almost a whole year since Dday....and he is still trying to *talk* and being wishy-washy.

You have got to let go of your *hoped-for* outcome and deal with what is right in front of you. You still aren't even sure whether OW is in the picture or not.

Your hope is making you waste your life. You are sitting at home...*hoping*....while he is off doing <whoknowswhat> while wooing you.

Sultan did this stringing along shit to me also. Just last December I was getting texts from him about all that he was willing to do if I would *R* with him and stop the divorce. Guess what I found out later.....he sent those texts while he was sitting in a bar, 2.5 hours away from home, with his OW and her friends.

At some point, SJ, you need to start looking out for YOU. Chalk the marriage's demise down to his brokenness, incompatible relationship values, or incompatible definitions of what love is. It really doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is this: He betrayed you. And he doesn't really seem to feel very badly about it.

So even if he called you 5 minutes from now and asked you to come home.....would you really feel safe, loved, and wanted with a person that has spent the last year treating you in the manner that he has?

edited because punctuation marks matter....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:49 PM, May 31st (Friday)]