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User Topic: SO feels "pressured" to accept my friend request
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it depends on how active the person is on social media. My SO is online a lot, posts on FB frequently, and chats/networks. If he was not my FB friend I would feel really strange about it.

I guess if someone has a FB they don't use much, or only have so they can keep an eye on their kids or something then it might be different.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sometimes FB is not an accurate depiction of real life. I find myself suspicious of people who need to post all the time about how great their husband is and post "look at me and my perfect life" pictures all the time...maybe their life is perfect, but I'm sure some are just trying to create the illusion that it is.

This exactly. One of my best friends from high school whom I've known actually since elementary school was on FB. He of course was projecting the perfect life. He knows what I was going through. About three months ago it appears his wife hacked into his FB account. She started posting about how unhappy their marriage was and that he was such a chameleon with his family versus what he would project to people on FB. Coming home from business trips, ignoring his family, etc. I believe he was having an EA with two women on the side because I know for a fact their marriage has been rocky from a physical standpoint. HE would comment on the fact that their sex life was non-existent. How lucky I was being able to date women now that I was divorced (yeah I'm a REAL lucky guy thanks). All my friends on FB were in shock about her ranting under his profile! He shut down his FB account. Rarely speaks to any of us since (I'm sure out of embarrassment). I heard from my mom that they moved 900 miles and sounds like he took a new job. I think one of the women he was having an EA with (who knows maybe a PA) worked at the company he was with. I believe his wife threatened him with D. She gave up her career as a successful psychologist a number of years ago to home school their children. I'm sure reality hit him pretty hard that he would be paying out the ass in alimony and child support for his two girls. That will get you out of the fog for sure. Anyhow, I haven't heard from him at all since the FB occurrence.

Get that FB crap out of your life if it's messing with your relationship. My exWW developed her affair on FB with an old high school friend who sweet talked her into bed. I don't necessarily blame FB for that so much as it was just a tool used for communication. I blame her for her weakness and character flaw.


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1361 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Mandilwen
♀ Member
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I haven't been on Facebook in awhile, I'll get around to it" - ok, sounds reasonable.
"I feel pressured to accept your friend request" - say what? Did you ask why he felt pressured?
We are talking about Facebook. It does not require a deep psychological analysis of the ramifications of accepting a friend request. In my world, if I'm not good enough to be a Facebook friend with you, you aren't going to be a friend of mine in the real world either. As it turns out, my deleted Facebook friends were bat shit crazy in real life.


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This screams "compartmentalization" to me. He didn't send you a friend request like, 14 months ago? And he feels pressured to accept one from you?

Just sounds like you are outside a box to me. A damn big box.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy my SO and i have been together 4 yrs and we are not FB friends.... I just recently told him he needs to update his pic but other than that i dont go to his FB and im not sure if he ever goes to mine....
It's no big deal but if i sent him a friend request and he never accepts it or worse decline it then HOUSTON we have a problm....


Make Everyday Count..
Divorced

Posts: 1724 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that he said he hadn't been on in a while, but your friend noticed he'd be on a day earlier tells me he wasnt honest with you on that point.

I'm wondering if he's taking the time to clean up his page before he hits "accept".

He hasn't really given you a reason for not wanting to friend you, BUT, I know people who are married or committed and are not friends with their SO on FB.
However, I also know that if asked to accept the request, it wouldnt be a big deal or seen as "pressure".

Something seems off...


Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs and 2 Cats)

The Cheater:
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Married 18yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: United States
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me echo and amplify something seanFLA said:

I would say there is a very good chance he is NOT lying to you about not checking his FB.

The default for FB is for it to keep you logged in. What this means is:
- if you use it on your smartphone, depending on which app you use to access it, it will very likely show you as active as long as the app is running in the background.

- if using it from a browser, it will show as active unless you actually log off or completely shut down the browser. Eventually, your session will time out if you haven't accessed it, but eventually could mean days or possibly weeks (I haven't timed it, but I know it does stay active a long time). If he accesses it in a window or a tab, and then closes that window/tab but doesn't quit the browser, the session is very likely still active.

That is not saying he isn't lying.... but it is saying there is a VERY reasonable explanation as to why he could say he hasn't been on it when his account is showing as active.

In light of that - his "feeling pressured" comment might make a whole lot more sense. He said he would do it when he was on. If that was the truth, then he said he would do it when he was on, you asked him again, and he said he hadn't been on yet. You then asked him to do it right then. That could easily be taken as either accusing him of lying, or as not trusting him to do it. Which could result in the "feeling pressured" comment as backlash.

The big thing here - you two should be able to talk about this.


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want to accept you as a friend, AND his friends list is hidden?

Obviously he is hiding something. Or someone.



D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His friend list is not hidden. I spoke with him about it and he said he's a very private person and he doesn't like to put everything out there. He also said he was nervous about what I might post. I'm pretty offended by that. Not really sure what he expects. Doubt I would post anything at all. If he's so private then why is he on Facebook at all? I ended up canceling my friend request


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd cancel the relationship.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... yeah, red flag.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15133 | Registered: Jun 2006
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also said he was nervous about what I might post.

Hmmm...that tells me that either he hasn't been completely honest with you or he hasn't been completely honest with somebody else about you.


Posts: 13356 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, this is not about "Facebook" per se, but about honesty. Something is not right here.

Always go with your gut and you do not imagine "red flags"!!!

Your gut is telling you something is not right. Your brain and logic help you to figure out what that is.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just let him just how under no pressure you can give him! Like VLC or very little contact. I mean I wouldn't want him to feel 'too pressured' by all the wonderful things you do for him. Like cooking for him, or being receptive to sex, or being a beautiful dining companion.....

If a FB friend request is going to make him feel pressured, and you inquiring about it, then he is likely to feel pressured about many many things in a relationship. Is this really what you want?

Who knows why he is being so weird about this, but I would really be questioning the whole relationship.

I would be feeling really discouraged by this. Sorry!

My SO and I are not into displaying girlfriend/boyfriendhood all over FB. We were together a year before we friended each other and neither of us list us as 'being in a relationship'. It just feels like no one's damn business. I think I sent a friend request and he accepted. I would have felt really uncomfortable if he didn't friend me back.

Since you guys started your relationship on FB my guess is that he is flirting or more on FB with other women. That 'I feel too pressured' line has been said to me before, by boyfriends a long time ago who were seeing other women while they were seeing me.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 3:19 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it very odd that after being together for a year and a half that you guys are NOT facebook friends especially if you both have facebook. I would feel very insulted if my SO says he feels pressured to accept my friend request after being together that long. You are in a committed relationship at this point.

I wouldn't let this go if I were you. In fact, I would want to know what he's hiding.


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also said he was nervous about what I might post

Uh oh, that's not comforting at all. :( I had this same thought before you typed it out.

I find it very odd that after being together for a year and a half that you guys are NOT facebook friends especially if you both have facebook

I very much agree with this considering he sounds like a frequent user.

My boyfriend and I have been together a short period of time and are both active on Facebook. I paused for just a second when we talked about becoming FB friends because he was still fairly new to me and I wasn't sure what he would say on pics...I wasn't ready to share him with my world at that point.

neither of us list us as 'being in a relationship'.

This is the case for me as well. It feels juvenile for some weird reason to have anything other than married. Weird, I know.

In fact, I completely forgot that my 300+ friends didn't ALL know about him, just a close 50 or so. I posted a picture of us out one night, tagged him and immediately received 70 likes and 22 comments plus 5 instant messages from my own friends. Good grief, people! LOL! One friend even typed out "Did I miss a divorce?!!? Is this a new man? Tell me all about it!" That was kind of embarrassing.

So all that to say....Facebook definitely shares a tiny slice of your world and can make it look a certain way. In my case and yours, yes...this is our SO and we are committed. In your case though, why wouldn't he want his world to know this?

I wouldn't let this go if I were you. In fact, I would want to know what he's hiding.

I agree with this. I'm sorry. This would really upset me. A year and a half? You should have been friends online a long time ago. He's hiding YOU if not something else.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 5:10 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 525 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to him again tonight. As I said in a previous post I had asked him before about a couple of friend additions in the past. . He said tonight that he felt like I was stalking his friend list. Ugh.Old habits die hard. I do tend to browse around at lunch time at work because I'm alone. I definitely dont look at it a lot but i have looked at it. We have both been cheated in previous relationships. It causes him to ask me when I go out if I got hit on, what did they say etc. if I hadn't been cheated on I would probably find it more annoying but being in the same boat, I just answer his questions and move on. It's the reason that I felt it was ok to question him abut a couple of single women friend additions. So now he feels like I stalk his page all the time and he's afraid it will cause arguments. He said everyone local knows we're together and he doesn't care about his other Facebook friends that are far away. He then said he's very private and doesn't want anyone to know his business and is afraid of what ill post.
This isn't about Facebook but really about his feelings for me. He swore on his kids lives that he isn't messaging anyone and nothing is going on. Even though my xh did that too, I tend to believe him because he is SUPER close with his kids, great dad and they mean the world to him.
I told him I can understand how he would be uneasy but we then have bigger issues. I don't know where this leaves us. I don't feel ok about anything.
Previous baggage can be hard to deal with.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He then said he's very private and doesn't want anyone to know his business and is afraid of what ill post.

Is he also afraid of what you say in public when you are together? Does he take you to company functions? Family functions?

Honestly, his statement would bother the crap out of me and I don't know that I'd be willing to stay with somebody who felt that way about me. He clearly isn't afraid of what other people have to say about him on Facebook, right? Since he's friends with plenty of other people and isn't censoring them, then the issue is with you alone.


Posts: 13356 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This bothers me and it sounds like nothing but excuses on his part. I'm sorry but I see hurt down the road and if he doesn't want to proudly accept his SO on his facebook page then to me that is wrong. Period.


Me: 41
Two boys: 16 and 13
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25502 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 2nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him the same thing. I don't know where this leaves us. I know it makes me feel like crap and I can't just act like I don't. I suggested we take a few days away from each other to think about things.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
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