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User Topic: SO feels "pressured" to accept my friend request
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been with my so for 1 1/2 yrs. we both have FB. I know he requests friends and other people request him and he accepts. Always thought it a little odd we weren't fb friends so I requested him this past Saturday. He hasn't accepted yet. I asked him at the time if he was going to accept and he said yes at some point when he's on. I Was talking to a good friend of mine tonight who happens to be his fb friend about it and she looked at his fb page and pressed the message button and it said he was active 1 day ago.
I asked him tonight why he hasn't accepted and he said he hasn't been on since Saturday. I asked why he just doesn't go on and accept me and he says he feels pressured...
Ugh! Red flags ? What would you think??


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Ripley123
♀ Member
Member # 25277
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but RUN!!!


So let's roll the dice, one more time
Take a chance on love again tonight
Risk it all, lay it on the line
Let the skeletons fight for life
Tonight, hold on tight, as we collide -kid rock


Posts: 1680 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: The land of OZ
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it odd that he hasn't wanted to be your Facebook friend WAY before now.... this red flag screams "I'm hiding something" or "someones" ...I agree. NOT a good sign to me IMO...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but that is a red flag. Sounds like he is hiding or embarrassed of something. Does your friend see anything that stands out on his fb page?

((tired)))


Posts: 36043 | Registered: Mar 2011
forced2moveon
♀ Member
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO of almost 9 yrs and I are both on FB and after several years and just this month he sent me a facebook request, which I accepted. We've both been on FB for several years but never FB friends. It wasn't a big deal for either of us. I've always posted pictures of the two of us on my page and I even have in a relationship posted on my page. I've never felt the need to be his friend on facebook or he on mine. He's my friend, lover etc..... in real life. He has my trust 100% and I have his 100%. I have been cheated on by every man in my entire life with the exception of my sweet SO. This trust took time, he's a musician and is in clubs almost every weekend. In the beginning it was tough but he has always made it clear that I am invited to every gig and he has no problem introducing me as his girlfriend. Does your SO treat you well in every other situation?

[This message edited by forced2moveon at 9:34 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
forced2moveon
♀ Member
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redflag? Really?? Thank goodness I never saw it as a redflag.

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually looked on his page. I don't see anything abnormal. Mostly posts about his kids soccer games.
I have in the past asked him about a few friends that he added (bad I know). He has never done that with me but my friends are actually hidden. I don't know if he just doesn't want me on there because he's afraid I'd be questioning who comments on his posts etc or if he doesn't want someone to see me? When we first met our first contact was a Facebook message..


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@forced. Guess the difference is he accepted your request.
He does treat me well. We don't have a lot of time together(another issue) because he has his kids full time and they're always running to sports activities.
I don't know how accurate the fb "active" mesg is. If its accurate then he lied to me about not being on


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many FB friends does he have that he feels "pressured" by you? My FB friends are full of people I haven't seen since HS...and barely knew at that, but they friended me around the time of a reunion and I accepted.

I would expect the people in my everyday life to be my FB friends more than people that are practically strangers. I see some people with 400+ friends. There is no way they are all besties.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just think it is weird that he would think after a year and a half a FB request is "pressure". It's not like you are demanding for a ring on your finger.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1294 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, the difference with forced's situation is that they seemed to agree about the fb thing. Feeling "pressured" to accept an fb request, of all the trivial things is bizarre. It seems to suggest he's hiding something (maybe needs to clean up his profile while he leaves you hanging?) or this is an odd new breed of "commitment" phobia.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RED FLAG!!!

What is he hiding? Does his kids know about you? Something is going on if he is not communicating with you about this.

It is not so much "Facebook" as to not being honest with you.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes his kids know about me And we get along fine. I know he has Facebook on his phone So it would've taken him two seconds to accept my request.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he has over 160 friends--People he grew up with, People he went to school with, Neighbors, Coworkers And people he knows through soccer


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
nolight
♀ Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, a big one. He's either keeping secrets from you, or keeping you a secret.

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say it depends on his attitude toward FB. If he just uses it to keep in touch with distant relatives about kid stuff (and perhaps other team parents that he would not normally interact with IRL), then adding his SO would seem silly, since all of your interaction should be IRL, even if you don't see each other all the time.

FB is really silly for mature people in a relationship. It seems exhibitionist to me-all the kissy/kissy/loveydovey stuff-bleh. (And I love FB for keeping in touch with long-distance friends & family.)


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20322 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
tiredofit
♀ Member
Member # 26423
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree Facebook is silly i only have about 35 friends on Mine. He has been more active Adding friends and requesting friends. Not just people from far away to people that are local too.
I guess one of the big things for me Is that he said he hasn't been on it But he has Facebook mobile And it shows that he has been on it.


Me: BS45 him: stbxh 45
2 dd's 16 and 12
Multiple DDs 7/09 - 9/21/10 same mow co-worker
Last DD 9/21/10 found love notes on computer I'm done, I'm free!!

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: ny
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would agree it's a red flag. A year and a half is a long time.

However:

I don't know how accurate the fb "active" mesg is. If its accurate then he lied to me about not being on

Does he have fb on his phone also use a computer? Because if he has it on his phone and doesn't sign out, it will show you as active on instant message system even if your not actively using FB on your phone. Whenever it receives an internet signal it will show as active. That is how FB works on my phone here. I get IM during my work day. I don't have my phone with me, however whenever it picks up an internet network it shows me as online even though I am not using my phone. People often think I am ignoring them during the day


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe FB mobile acts differently than the desktop version in terms of being online. I have friends (and myself) who have it and they are shown online all the time, but they really aren't I think it has something to do with not logging out. Maybe in fact he is telling you the truth.

Anyhow I've become a believer that "FakeBook" is nothing but a huge pain in the ass when it comes to relationships. Especially at our adult level. Some people feel that they want to separate "relationship" life with "friend" life, so to speak. Personally, I think it's a huge invasion of privacy. I don't like posting relationship stuff on FB. I pic here and there is fine. But in no way do I EVER want my love life being posted on there and getting back to my son via social media. And for him to see pictures or comments about it is inappropriate and intolerable to to me right now. Will this ever go away for me?....I don't know. Possibly he feels like I do. FB is a HUGE public door into people's personal lives and some people are more sensitive about it than others. It's not a big red flag IMO so I say just get over it. If he has children on there maybe he's thinking of their well being, who knows. I think he just wants to keep his very personal life separate. I know I do. I had to have a very long and serious conversation with the women I've been dating about it. She wants the world to know that she has a life and isn't sitting home by herself. Some people use FB to project that. I think it's a sense of insecurity. Not saying you're insecure. I told her FB does not run my life. And it is not to be used as a reflection of my life. Stop letting it run your relationships and your feelings. I understand completely how he feels about being pressured by it. It's like TV, too much can be a bad thing. So just tune it out once in a while. All it does is cause more drama in your life.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 7:17 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
LOSTinaBook
♀ Member
Member # 30309
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, ever since D-day, I pulled WAY back from Facebook.
I wanted privacy, and so I used Surviving Infidelity to do my venting/posting instead. I feel like people start to wonder what's become of you and stalk your FB page to find out. Sorry, but the people that I love and interact with me on a daily basis KNOW the real me...They know I'm divorced (No, I didn't feel the need to advertise it on FB), they know I met a wonderful guy and we love each other, and that I have moved on with my life...
But someone that I was friends with in high school, they would not know any of that by looking at my FB page.
SO and I have been dating for quite some time and we're not FB friends. We joke sometimes about it, but I agree with an earlier poster, we are each other's best friend, lover, confidant IN REAL LIFE, so who cares if it's FB official.

When I separated/divorced, I took down all my wedding pictures, and I rarely post pictures at all now. Instead, I send them to the loved ones that matter.

I have said to SO, what if you see a picture of me on my wedding day? Would that upset you? (because friends/family didn't remove those pictures, so he'd see them).
He knows it's in my past, but I'm sure it might not be the most pleasant thing for him to see.
My point is, sometimes FB is not an accurate depiction of real life. I find myself suspicious of people who need to post all the time about how great their husband is and post "look at me and my perfect life" pictures all the time...maybe their life is perfect, but I'm sure some are just trying to create the illusion that it is.


fBW-me, 26 (now 29)
xWH-he

Divorced.
S (H e) B E (L i e) V E (d).


Posts: 318 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 69
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