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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I not welcome on this forum?
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mod please?

[This message edited by KBeguile at 7:17 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Kbeguile

I know you are asking for a mod but can I just say something? I think you are very welcome here in fact you don't post enough in the wayward side. I see you are more active in F&G, OT and R but not so much on the wayward. Why is that? I feel the most comfortable here and get a lot of work done. With as many recent ddays as you have I would have to say you should make yourself more at home and make more posts here


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree

That being said...post where and when you want.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I work directly with Heart most of the time, which is why I tend to not post as often as I probably should. My usual problem with trying to post in Wayward is that I don't want to say something that's already been said 10 times before, and usually people better and brighter than me get to it first -- which isn't a knock against me, but rather a compliment to the rest of the Waywards!


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

usually people better and brighter than me get to it first -- which isn't a knock against me, but rather a compliment to the rest of the Waywards!

Sorry but I am calling BS on this. try again.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes saying it helps even if you are saying similar things as everyone else. What I've seen is that everybody has a unique tone or voice, so what may seem like piling on to you may actually be that one post that helps others...or you for that matter.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF:

I mentioned something about this to Heart the other night. She wants me to be a writer because I have "the gift," or whatever. Lately, my ideas about writing have taken a back seat to things I personally deem more important at this stage in our M: namely, me taking responsibility in our lives, which includes doing what I can to improve things like the house, our relationship, my relationship with DS, and so on.

However, my "writer" tendencies creep up all the time. I edit what I say as I type it, and I find that redundancy doesn't advance anything. I guess it's something that was drilled into me during my composition days, but I personally find nothing cathartic or useful in regurgitating what's already been said.

Again, you have a point in that "my voice" might contribute something new or different that hadn't arisen already. In fact, there are a couple of times when my response has been something that amounts to, "Agreed, plus X," where X is something I think might prove useful. However, in almost every case, X is also something that hadn't been posted prior to what I was saying, so "my voice," as you say it, has a chance to make itself heard, so to speak.

tired girl:

Feel free to call BS on it. It's a habit I have (see above, regarding the fact that I'm a writer), so you're working against years and years of composition drilling, instructors' voices in my head, and my own personal preferences toward typing/posting to forums/writing in-general. It's also a habit that I find particularly helpful, because it forces me to keep quiet unless I have something noteworthy to contribute, which I feel is an offshoot of my Narcissistic tendencies (which I am trying to get rid of).

I don't see it changing any time soon, but I appreciate the 2x4.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I not welcome on the forum?

Depends on your motive. Are you seeking personal growth and healing via the advice and resources on this site, or are you seeking acceptance from its members?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6255 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What made you feel unwelcome here?

Posts: 11688 | Registered: Mar 2008
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie84:

If I am only allowed to choose between those two options, then I am definitely more in the "acceptance from members" camp right now. I have felt as though I'm at a stable place in my development where I am needed to help Heart heal more, though this recent "adult temper tantrum" has me concerned that my Narcissistic tendencies are at it again.

Perhaps this marks the next step of needing to discover the roots of my "need for acceptance/attention from a social community" issues, because it's currently concerning Heart and myself that I am acting in this way.

I find myself best-prepared and -equipped to deal with the Waywards who come in here and whinge, as I did when I first came here. Since I have personal experience in that regard, I feel myself relatively capable of being assertive at swinging that specific 2x4, and, of late, there hasn't been a great deal of call for that particular tool.

The thing is that this flies right in the face of Buddhist philosophy, too, in that I am placing an overabundant amount of significance (attachment) on something that is, ultimately, trivial (social acceptance among peers). It's also, somewhat ironically, the basis about which I mentioned the specific 2x4 from earlier: that of "why isn't this about me (on some level)?"

While I can accept that I'm much better about this sort of pull than I used to be, I must acknowledge that my expectations of being "accepted" do not match the reality of the situation, nor was this even a situation that was designed to even come close to those expectations. The goal here is not to crown a King of the Mountain, but rather to help those who come to seek it, and offer aid to those who need it. As Heart said (paraphrased), "No one appreciates the class clown at a funeral."

By contrast, Heart comes here with no such pretenses and no such expectations of success in a social way, and she manages to earn high praise and accolades (in my opinion) for the work and contributions she offers. I suppose this is just another of those "interesting" Catch-22s life has to offer: the harder one tries to be appreciated, the less those around him are apt to appreciate the attempts, and vice versa.

I see now that my high expectations of my own contributions are also leading to several pitfalls in this same vein. I have already admitted to not posting when I feel I have nothing additional to add, which, in thinking about it, does defeat the purpose of humbly admitting that, "yes, I have been where you are, and I have had those problems, too."

I needed another dose of humility, and I think I have received it. If no one else was prepared to swing the 2x4, I will swing it at myself.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gotta say KB this thread has had me scratching my head from the get-go. I had no idea why you wouldn''t feel welcome here and how it turned into a topic about creative writing. I don''t see this forum as story time or a way to show off your writing skills. This place has to be about learning and growing even if that means discussing the same topics again and again with various members.

What I do like to see is how you are able to acknowledge this was an adult temper tantrum and give yourself a 2x4 as this had been about your narcissistic needs for external validation.I''m going to point out an important lesson that I''ve learned from Tired girl. Validation has to come from within. You need to go about your life without needing someone else''s approval or praise. That means you can''t rely on validation from Heart or OW or a social community. Feeling good about yourself on your own merit is empowering.

As you said this marks the next step. This is progress here. Now keep going!

[This message edited by messedupchick at 1:15 AM, May 31st, 2013 (Friday)]


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KB,

I swung. You ducked. That is the way it goes sometimes.

Look, I am going to give you my experience here. The first year here, I didn't post a lot, what I did post almost always happened in wayward, the few threads I put up, there were a few in R about my M. The rest were in wayward. I went into betrayed men to get an idea of where my H was at and into JFO. That was it. I wasn't in OT or F and G. Heck it has only been the past year that I started going into fun and games. But wayward was my home, because that was where I was learning what I needed to learn. I read everything, I asked questions. And I didn't give a shit if others accepted me. This isn't a social club, we are here because we did the worst thing we could do to ourselves and the other person in our lives. But we blew ourselves up. And I needed to figure out how to put that person back together again. Who cares if other people like me, I didn't fucking like me.

My second year out, I ventured out of wayward more, started posting more, talking more, giving more of what had happened to me to try to help others. I was learning to recognize patterns to this whole thing. I had made a few friends. But I was always cautious about not extending hugs to men, nor do I put emoticons on their posts. I keep it very straitforward, one of my boundaries.

You see, I am not here to be liked. I came here to figure out how the hell I managed to screw up so badly, I came here for answers. I found them. I am still here to give back to the place that gave me so much. This has never been a social club for me where I need others to accept me. Maybe you need to figure out why you are here.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4957 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edit:
Mixed up my responses! I'm sorry!


I know for me, its hard at times and if all I can do is put my toe in the water, well, something in me wanted to get in, right? It's hard and sometimes we need another to help pull the thread, kwim?

You are always welcome here. Stop looking for an excuse. Hell, I just royally fucked up my response to you earlier and I'm still here!

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:53 AM, May 31st (Friday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you feel unwelcome here? In fact, I find it odd that I keep seeing your WS-perspective posts everywhere else.

My usual problem with trying to post in Wayward is that I don't want to say something that's already been said 10 times before

So it makes sense to say it elsewhere?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 8:01 PM, May 31st (Friday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you post everywhere else because BSes aren't really going to call you on your crap in those forums. It's safer. It's easier. You're less accountable. But it's not really accomplishing much.

Does my laying it out like that make you feel unwelcome here? I hope not, because I'm not trying to make you feel unwelcome. I'm trying to make you FEEL: feel the yucky stuff that you need to address, feel the consequences of your actions, feel like you can relate to us because we've been where you are.

You're hiding in plain sight on the site.

We're here and really want to hear your story. So spill. Don't over-edit. Just spill it.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23486 | Registered: May 2004
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are very right, Fallen. Thank you.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 800 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, June 1st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi KBeguile,

DS recently reposted a piece on humility. You mentioned that you have received a dose of humility. That's good! Humility is key in healing from this. You should definitely check it out. It changed me at my core when I read it the first time.

It's hard to change old habits, and it is so common to avoid facing that when we first get on SI. Our As are our ways of avoiding the darkest, scariest part of ourselves, why would it instantly change when we get on here?

So, now you know. It's okay to be in different forums, but boundaries needs to be in place. And as WSs, boundaries are obviously something we need to learn.

Practicing your boundaries here, and IRL, will help you get them firmly set in stone.

Good luck.
AN


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37750 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 17

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