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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Trying 180 Again
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Frustrated  Posted: 10:26 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After opening the door to some communication with my ex (WS), I find myself in a strange position. I hoped and prayed for months for this opportunity. That she would want to be in contact. I will not say we got to the point of R as we were not "together" again by any means, but we were communicating regularly, and I thought working toward being in a healthy place. But because she is not yet in a healthy place, I have realized that we could not get to one. So now that I got what I thought I want, I believe that the 180 is in order again...but I can tell she is very confused by my efforts. I think her view is, here I am -- isn't that what you wanted?

By the same token, I am a fairly live and let live kind of person. I am not about ultimatums. if she does not find a personal motivation to grow and work on her issues, I am not about to force her because it won't do any good. So my response is 180 -- to back away.

As I said, she is very confused (or is acting confused). I don't feel it's appropriate to just pile it on and tell her I'm backing off because I find her to be a mess after I've worked so hard to heal. She is a bigger mess than when we ended things, and I'm even more sensitive to it because I really have done a lot of healing work.

Suggestions about 180 with love and giving her some clarity? Am I making any sense?

[This message edited by LoveRising at 10:28 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently. The 180 isn't about her. It is about you. You cannot concern yourself about how she feels, what she thinks, or what she does. You just can't. Not while you are actally doing the 180.

Think about the metaphor contained in its name. You are turning around 180. Stop making this about her. Reconnecting and opening comms did not show you what you had hoped for. Turn away.

Focus on you. If you feel the need to explain why you are backing away, make sure you explain it in terms of you. You need to focus on yourself and comms with her is not helping. So you will be in touch less and probably less responsive than in the past. That is something you are doing as part of attending to your needs.

Turn your back. It is hard. Do not look over your shoulder to see what is happening behind you. If she contacts you, remember silence (NC) will suffice.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1182 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you have made a decision that it is not going to work. I think that you should honestly tell her just that as gently as you can. Tell her it's you, and you've tried, she's tried but sorry, it's not going to work. Then gently do the 180. Remember the main purpose of the 180 is to focus on you and help you heal. It has nothing to do with her.

Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'180 with love'is an oxymoron. The 180 is all about indifference, which is the true opposite of love.

You are done. Just tell her and move on. Nothing good can come of this.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20171 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My suggestion is to pick up a copy of the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and move on with you life. Life is so much better when you only have supportive, healthy people in it!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3359 | Registered: Dec 2011
LoveRising
♀ New Member
Member # 38688
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks! I will definitely get the book. I think I had to explore this -- so I cannot say it was a mistake. But I found out what I needed to know. , or maybe !!!

Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 6

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