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User Topic: egg donar is dying...akward...confused
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She quit being my mother when I was 9 or 10. It became about her and her men and later she put her responsibility of her three kids on me

She was also verbally abusive. Belittling me in front of her friends.

I never felt love from her. I dont ever remember her saying she loved us.

I do remember her saying she only wanted my brother and if it werent for him she would have left

I quit talking to her 21 yrs ago.

My sister forgave her for saying the above crap and for turning a blind eye when her boyfriends molested my younver sister.

Now I get a fb pm from my sil how egg donar quit eating and wont make the week. What am I supposed to say/do?

I did say a prayer that she didnt suffer (and please make me a better mother to my kids than she was to me)

I get she struggled as a single parent

I get she felt unloved bc her family rejected her (I think my grandma was bipolar. She abused egg donar. Egg donar was sent away. Everyone else just kept quiet). I get all that. But why not eat with heapinv spoonfuls the love her kids gave her. My kids drive me nuts but they rock my world.

Im glad she was a good drandmother to my brothers kids. Im glad they will miss her. Im glad they are there with her But I cant feel more than that. I dont hate her. The anger is gone. Im just kind of not there on the subject. My sil didnt like my response (akward considering the history....I hope she doesnt suffer). What am I supposed to say? Hell, if I died they wouldnt bat an eye either.

Dysfunctional foo shit

Not sure how to process.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sully)))

I have a toxic "mother" too... I'm not even sure how I'll feel when this day comes for me.

I don't have any words of advice... Just Hugs.


Me: BSO - 45
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24341 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

My just fb pm'd a bunch of people. Im on that list, too, tho its unnecesary bc she already pm'd me

Then she put it on her fb page.

I wont begrudge egg donar any well wishes. Its the livings last gift to her. As much as I have detatched from her, I feel she deserves it. The last gift from the world

I just. Cant


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have detached from the egg donor to protect yourself. It has served you well. Just because the egg donor is now dying you are supposed to get all emotional? I don't see how you could or why you would. I feel you have the right attitude, sully. It is like someone you once knew is dying. Yeah, it is kind of sad, but really has no effect on you or your life.

(((sully))) Don't let anyone tell you that what you feel is wrong, or don't feel, for that matter.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have made piece with her dying then you do what is natural.

Has she every apologized for what she did? If not is SIL contacting you so your mother can? A lot of people want forgiveness and to apologize when their life is almost over.

If it is for this I would consider seeing her for the apology, but keep it simple. You have every right just to accept it politely and show little emotion.

No matter what you do what you feel if right and what you can live with after she passes.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sully

My father walked away from us and didnt pay a red cent for child care.

Short of the story he came back when I was 18 wanted a reconnection. Not happening bud.

He died alone. i knew he was sick but I felt nothing towards him.

I showed up at the funeral home stayed 5 minutes and went home. His death gave me a 3 day paid leave.
No regrets here. I owed him nothing!

[This message edited by heartache101 at 10:38 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sully)))

Compassion is all we owe anybody, and you are showing that.

You're doing the best you can, and that's ok. Don't be hard on yourself.

Sending hugs and strength.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16395 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((sully)))) I hope you find some peace for this situation.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9652 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
movingforward777
♀ Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the wonderful things we get to do as an adult is decide who we do and do not have in our lives!
It sounds like you made the decision a long time ago to not have her a part of your life and that is ok.
You don't have to reconnect/see her simply because your sil thinks you should....she really has no say...it always has been and always will be your choice...
HUGS


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4830 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She made the choice to be abusive to you and, as an adult, you made the choice to walk away. I'd say you made a wise decision. Don't let strangers guilt you now into allowing her a place in your life that she doesn't deserve.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jun 2007
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just like to point out that your grandmother had issues; but as an adult, your mother made choices on how to live her life. And your mom had issues, but you have made choices as an adult on how to live your life. No matter what your mother's family was like, or what yours was like, we all have the responsibility to step up as adults and make choices and decisions for ourselves and our children. It's very sad how your mom chose to live her life, but you haven't let that dictate who you are, and that shows a lot of strength on your part. You are an adult, so you get to make your own choices about how to handle the situation without having to listen to anyone else's opinion.

Big hugs to you. My kids drive me nuts as well, but they certainly rock my world


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sil wrote on fb

Egg donar died this morning. She left us with many sweet memories. It hurts me to see my family grieve. We loved her so much

For some reason that just ticks me off immensely. Im so glad for hou sil. Congrats. You werent there. You didnt get your babysitting money taken from you so she could buy food for her, your brother and buy herself nodoz and cigarettes. My sister and I had to steal candy bars from the safeway to eat.

Okay a good memory: we were taught not to complain about our food (imo a good trait...be thankful for what you have). She actually did good with throwing bits of this and bits of that together (until later when she quit providing food for kids in leiu of her fuck face male ho). Well, this one day it didnt vo so well. The three of us just sat there wondering how we were going to get it down.

Egg donar took a bite then said "put your plates in the sink. We are going to mcdonalds".

No she never apologised. She had ways to reach me. Through my sil or years prior through my sister. Nothing.

My dad was schitophrenic. Nuture not nature. He was a gentle giant who was abused by a man who wenf into war a sweet man and returned an abuser. My father apologised to me when I saw him when I was 20. He apologised several times after that (he was emulating his father bc he thought thats how fathers acted) I knew my father loved me

Egg donar.

I cant remember who on this thread said this (butterfly?) but as an adult she had control of her decisions. Thats why I cant cut her slack. The only improvement I knew about was age 50 she learned to pay her rent so she didnt get evicted.

I see sil post this stuff on fb but she never did it for my dad. Supposedly they went to see my dad and my brother spoke often witb him by phone

No fb posts from them They didnt even show for the funeral. I asked for info of their kids so I could put it in the book at the cemetary. They never responded.

What I remember about her is the drama

Phone rings;

Sis or myself: hello
Egg donar: wwwaaaahhhhh (insert problem). She needed money. My sister usually got these calls bc I was walking away or had shut the door

I feel sorry for egg donar. I really do. To have your kid not speak to you for 21 yrs. For you to never have spoken with two of your grandkids. (I mean her...dont want to retype to fix errors). Im trying not to curse but I will...She had a totally fucked up childhood. She failed at raising kids but there was still a chance to rectify but she didnt

Please God let me be a better mother.

As for those fb posts...just in case youre wondering, Im leaving them alone Im not even addressing them privately with sil. Just venting here


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((sully)))))


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4847 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((sully)))) You are a wonderful, beautiful person. A great mother! I have a whole new level of admiration for you and a new understanding, too.

Yes *crickets* is the way to go.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:27 AM, May 27th (Monday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
philly172
♀ Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Sully! I don't have any advice as I had the greatest Mom in the world who devoted herself 110% to her kids.

I have to say I admire the way you came out of a bad situation, your posts don't sound bitter, they sound like a person who has put that behind her & moved on.

As for how to process? keep doing what you're doing & what feels right to you!

One of my Mothers favorite sayings ( & she had TONS, believe me) was some people shouldn't be allowed to breed & your mom seemed to fall in to that category..

Big hugs to you today, I'm sure you'll be dealing with lots of emotions!


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sully))

my SO has a difficult relationship with both he dad and his step-dad. His dad bailed out when he was 2 years old and mad half assed attempts later in life. He died last august. My SO was shaken up for a few days but elected not to go to the funeral. He had made peace with his decisions regarding his father a long time before. If you are truly comfortable with how you've left things with your egg donor, do not feel obligated to do anything. My SO feels good about his decision. It not with out some feelings to deal with but he still feels it was the right one.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8405 | Registered: Apr 2008
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a fabulous mother sully. We can all see it.

Big, super huge hugs to you today. Go give those kiddos some extra love.

(((((((((sully))))))))


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2000 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sully)))

Posts: 33855 | Registered: Mar 2011
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have learned from her mistakes. Good for you.

Staying out of the drama with your SIL sounds wise. She is not worth your stress.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

I cannot imagine your confusion and pain right now. I want you to know that you have the right to mourn what wasn't but should have been.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
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