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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: XH wants 50-50 visitation now
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you trust him. Therefore, I'd say go with your gut. However, try to get this all in writing, even if it's just emails. That way, if it goes off the rails, you have a paper trail.

Good luck.


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19179 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
notmeanymore
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Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second getting something legal drawn up (or at least get him to sign something with a witness). If you just start accepting less money, he could turn that around on you.

I give you credit for trying to give the kids more time with him.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 839 | Registered: Feb 2006
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

:)

I'm glad you had a better discussion with him. I really commend you for working with him in this situation.

GET IT IN WRITING!!! That's my only advice.

Good for him for calming down and acknowledging openly what his concerns are.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8261 | Registered: Apr 2008
tabitha95
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Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is our schedule. XH gets Tues & Wed and every other week-end. To make it easier to plan out future events, etc..., it was set up as XH getting "even" week-ends and I get "odd". It is determined by Friday's date. About 6 times a year, there are back-to-back evens or odds, so those week-ends are usually shared.


BW (me) - 44
DS 13, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Dec 2008
Mandilwen
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Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xh and I just switched to week on/week off. My child support isn't changing cause he didn't pay it anyway.

I think it has really helped out out situation. The little one was back and forth so much, he never knew where he was going.

My xh and I are also amicable and talk just about everyday. It is so much better on the kids that they know for a whole week where they will be. We do our switch off on Fridays, so we have the weekend to adjust. This was a lot harder on me than it was on them. The older one says he loves the schedule cause he gets the best of both worlds. Their dad is an outgoing, always got to be doing something type of guy, while I am a homebody, let's chill and just hang out, lol.

Start with a schedule that works for you. You can always ease into the week on/week off down the road when you and the kids feel more comfortable. As far as not fighting for them four years ago? My XH thinks that little ones need their momma more. He never argued with me having full custody, and we both agreed as they got older, they'd need their dad more, and we would switch to 50/50. I actually know a lot of people that do the week on/week off and everyone seemed to really like it, especially those with older kids, and good parenting relationships. Good luck!


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
little turtle
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Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your support and advice. I haven't written anything up yet. We're starting the change today. After I drop the kids off to school, I won't see them until Thursday after school. Very strange to me!! The kids seem fine with it. I told them they can call me at anytime. I set up an app that you can share a calendar, lists, journal notes on your phone. I put in XH's days and times to pick up/drop off the kids at school. I'm nervous about him being late. Something I can't control. I've always been in charge of school drop offs and 99% of the pick ups. XH picked up DS6 once or twice this year. Both of my boys have perfect attendance in school. Well, DS5 missed one day when I took him to the zoo with DS6's class. I'm going to add the kids' school activities for the rest of the year later today.

If all goes well, I'll write something up so XH and I will have our agreement. I'm sure he will at me.

Any tips/suggestions of things to look out for, things to help the kids adjust to the homes, and/or things to help XH and I stay on top of everything?


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 3973 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Mandilwen
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Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I usually remind the kids the night before that they will be going to their dad's, so they can get anything they'd like to bring with them. Sometimes they still forget, and then they have to deal with it. XH stayed in the old house, so the kids have a lot of their stuff there already. My kids tell me every night I talk with them that they want to come with me, but that's cause I'm not as strict as the ex, lol. I just assure them that I love them and will see them soon.

As long as you can coomunicate with the ex without too many major arguments, everyone should adjust just fine.


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
tabitha95
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Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that the kids have clothes and necessities at both houses. Some people put this in their custody papers.

When we first did this, I was the one transporting over-night bags, etc... It became my task. I was also the only one doing their laundry, etc... I quickly found out that it wasn't going to work that way.

I sent clothes to their dads, an assortment of anything they might need. I'm not anal about getting back new clothes that I bought for them, etc... Eventually everything rotates back over.


BW (me) - 44
DS 13, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Dec 2008
AppleBlossom
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Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Little Turtle, just wanted to drop in and say how much I admire your steady approach with this.

We did the 50/50 thing until I moved away, and it was great for the kids, and set up the foundation for them to have a really good relationship with their father.

Tips for the change: we were getting the kids to pack a bag every time they changed houses, but I found that hard because invariably things go missing. The kids also found it was disruptive and a huge reminder that they had to change houses all the time. It took time, but we eventually got to the point where they had a set of everything at each house.

The really important this is to be supportive of their relationship. I remember at various times, each child has had a problem going to dad's - not because of him or his behaviour, but because they were just sad and over it. Once night my eldest called me and asked me to come home. I went over there and we talked about it together with her snuggled between us on the couch. I put her to bed in her dad's house and let her know that everything was okay.

Dont get me wrong, I hate my ex with a fiery passion. But I also know how very important it is to have a healthy realtionship with your parents.

We now all live in the same city, but far enough apart that we cant do 50/50. I would very happily do it again.

For the record, my kids are 6, 11 and 13. Their dad and I split five years ago.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
little turtle
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Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the suggestions. They don't take anything other than the clothes they are wearing when they go back and forth. XH has stuff for them over there. He will have to get more stuff/clothes though.

XH called me yesterday while picking up DS5. He forgot what time and saw some buses leaving. He thought he missed him. Everything was fine, XH was early. But I was glad I could talk with him and tell him more about our routine so he can try to do the same. He said he would call/text if he had more questions. I haven't heard anything, so it must be fine.

I'm trying to deal with the change by staying busy. It was weird to not have to be home for DS5 to get off the bus, and to not have to pick up DS6 3 hours later. I woke up at my usual time this morning....the house was silent. I'm looking forward to tomorrow already! I miss my boys and I want to hear what they think about this change now that it's happening.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 3973 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
itainteasy
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Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To help stay on top of things like Dr appts/activities/sports, etc..

Use Google calendar. You can fill in the dates and times when the kids are due for whatever it is they need, and he can access that every day and see it.

I wouldn't give him access to it, to be able to put things in though because you don't want him to "accidently" erase something that he doesn't want to take them to.

ETA: I just went back and re-read an earlier post, Little Turtle, and I see that you have an app for this already!

It sounds like you're as on top of this as you can be. I hope your kiddos adjust to the changes well, and that you can enjoy your time without them.

[This message edited by itainteasy at 10:38 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3093 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Topic Posts: 31
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