SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After feeling wild and irrational pain and extreme alertness for about three months I experienced a sudden calm on Sunday.

For the last three days I have felt calm, rational and hurt. For the first time I thought of abandoning R. I felt that I would never be able to accept the A no matter how much I love my W.

Then this evening, I have been feeling a deep, deep pain. I know it sounds silly, but it's like my soul is in pain.

After going to the gym three of the past four nights I feel like I have no energy.

Then I found a letter my WW wrote under some stuff on the kitchen table. I read it. I figured if she cheated on me, I get to read whatever she writes — I would never have read the letter before the A.

Turns out, the letter is unfinished and meant for me. It's an "amends" letter. In it she apologizes for the A, including for specific things she knows I need to hear, such as, she's sorry she ever met the OM, she's sorry that he's a co-worker because she got to her dream job with my support and so on.

She's usually really good about writing on a straight line, but the writing is slanted, like it was emotional and difficult for her to write it.

She's asleep and doesn't know I read it.

On Saturday the two of us are going on vacation for a week at a resort. Paying for MC is killing our savings, but we thought it was worth it. I was scared of what that was going to be like, but this letter gave me a little bit of a boost. It makes me want to forgive again.

I'm not fishing for advice with this post, I just wanted to share the experience. As a bonus, the cat is hanging out with me and we're buddies again.

We don't have children yet and treat the cat pretty well. Ironically, I believe my WW brought the OM here to show him the cat.

I found out about the A because the OM gave her a card with a cat on the front. She liked the cat and kept the card. I found it while doing our taxes.

For the first 2.5 months after d-day I couldn't warm up to the poor cat. I felt like he was in on it. I know, I know, that's crazy.

The poor cat never received as little attention as he did over those first 2.5 months. I imagine that's what happens to children of divorced parents (I'm one).

Then I went away for a week for work. When I came back the cat still came to the door to greet me like he's always done. I picked him up and felt his little heart and we were back to being buddies again.

No, I'm not drinking — just having a weird emotional night by myself (and the cat, he's behind the laptop) while posting on SI and reading Co-dependent No More.

I hope we can stick through R. We were good together.

FWW here. Hope you don't mind my feedback as this is all a bit raw for you.

I loved what you wrote about the cat. You may be mad at it for not clawing the OM's leg in solidarity with you. Glad to hear you back on patting terms.

It sounds like it was a healing thing to read that letter. You must have had some trepidation in picking it up wondering if was gonna be another 2x4 to your heart. You sound hopeful after reading it, and it's definitely a good step on the R path. Good on your WW for starting it. I had to do this recently myself and it was terrifying. But am learning to let go of outcomes, and value truth. As someone who has spent my whole life hiding and feeling a lot of shame. It's frightening to expose myself. I wonder if your WW is feeling this. Time for us to grow up though. Just starting to for me.

I wish you and your WW all the best.

ophelia24, thanks for the well wishes. Same to you in your R.

Don't feel bad about reading the letter. You have every right to look through stuff.

Sounds like a good thing that you did. Your WW also sounds like she is doing a lot of self reflecting and trying to fix things that are wrong with her and your M. I hope this trip is a good one for you guys.

I fully believe that you were meant to read that letter tonight. You needed the emotional boost.

Feelingsomuch - I am glad that you are feeling buoyed by what you have read. This roller coaster that we are all on here can take many dips, twists and turns and whenever we experience positivity (in whatever form) we do need to grasp it and see the potential good.

I really hope your time away does both of you good.

FeelingSoMuch - a little PS!

I have shared your post with my WH this morning and we really, really laughed about the cat situation - only in a positive way!! We are both cat lovers and saw great humour in what you said about believing yours to be 'in on it'!

Any positivity needs to be grabbed - you have inadvertently given me and my husband a much needed boost as well!