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User Topic: Should I tell the potential new woman in the OM's life?
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick background.
- OM is my ex-Best Friend of 30+ years
- OM's kid and my kids are good friends so there is a "modified" NC in place right now that allows our kids to stay friends. This is subject to change based on my emotions.

So last week my single neighbour expressed an interest in my xBF. She'd met him before the A of course and more recently seen him dropping his DD off at my place. At her request I gave her his cell number and they have been texting. She asked my WW about him and I told her some negative things about him being screwed up emotionally, but she didn't seem to be discouraged. They have been texting all week and she has told me that he has invited her to his place for a BBQ.

I am EXTREMELY tempted to disclose the A to my neighbour. My reasons are as follows:
- She seems like a nice person and I feel obligated to tell her what a fucking asshole he is.
- I don't want to see the fucker happy and I wish I hadn't given her his contact info.
- I don't want to have to lie to her about why we are turning down opportunities to get together as a group...which I can see becoming more and more common if they start dating.

Thoughts? (Please don't give me any blowback on the modified-NC. We love his DD and for now I'm OK with her being in our lives.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it..chances are it won't change her mind about him,especially since you already tried to warn her. You have no idea who this neighbor may tell...if you tell her,your wife's affair may become the talk of the neighborhood.


ETA: If she does try and get all of you together,politely refuse. If she persists tell her honestly...the problem isn't her..it's him..and that while his DD is welcome in your life,he is not.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:43 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of too late now that you gave her the info. Maybe you could just tell her that he screwed you over so you don't want to hang as friends. If she pushes you can give more detail.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6139 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So on the weekend I was chatting with a neighbour (not the one the OM is now dating), and I found out that my WW told her that the reason I don't hang out with my "best friend" anymore is because her and him were "behaving badly" last year. Since the cat is out of the bag I decided to elaborate a bit and explained that it was a full blown affair.

I know that this woman and the neighbour who is dating my ex-Best Friend are pretty close so it will be interesting to see if she tells her.

You might be asking "What do you care?". Well part of me doesn't want to see my neighbour get hurt, but she is a big girl and I did try to warn her.

Oh well


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the OM and my neighbour are in full swing in their relationship. It sucks on one hand because he is showing up 3 doors down from me on a regular basis. I've spoken to him and her politely when I've needed to but generally I just ignore him when he is there. The odd thing is that my neighbour and I seem to be able to chat when he isn't around but when he is she doesn't even make eye contact with me. Not sure what that's all about but whatever! :-)

The good side of this is that IF, in bizarre twist of the universe, my wife and him started messing around, I've got a "second pair of eyes"... but the truth is, I chose to believe my wife 100% that she feels it was a huge, horrible mistake and she doesn't feel like that for the guy and that her feelings were infatuation caused by his attentions when she was at a low point. She seems to have learned from her mistake and is remorseful.

Of course, if I ever did find out about her and him doing anything again, that would be the end of it. I'd throw her shit out on the front lawn and change the locks. ;-)


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really hate to swing it mrcpu, but you totally brought this one on yourself. What on earth possessed you to give his number to her? And then when she starts dating him, you get upset and want to let her know what she's in for? Sooooo backwards. You should have said "I don't have that lying cheating SOB's number" when she asked you for it the first time and dropped it. She would have likely run away at that point, but after having been taken in by his charm for a few weeks, she doesn't care what you have to say about it.

Big backfire there, and you held the match. Now OM will be showing up 3 doors down from your home at the worst possible times making your life miserable and affecting your R with WW. Proximity to AP is almost always a huge issue after infidelity. Too late to do anything now, but please, for goodness sake, take better care of yourself in the future.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What on earth possessed you to give his number to her?

My thought as well.

I do not think it is too late to let her know the type of person she is getting involved with. I absolutely would want someone to give me that *heads up*

I would approach her and let her know that she caught you off guard and you regret ever giving her his number without also giving her the facts on what type of person he is...one that completely lacks integrity.

OM is my ex-Best Friend of 30+ years

^^^Wow, what a complete asshole. Sadly, he was never your friend. Friends don't shit all over one another.
{{{mrcpu}}}


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I realized after I did it it was a big screwup.

The reason I gave her the number in the first place was because she asked, and she knew he was my friend for a long time, and I did not think of a good excuse why not to give her his number.

At the time the idea of disclosing to her the marital problems my wife and I were having to avoid giving her his number seems like a bad idea.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yea, it was dumb to give her the number.

However, she would've gotten it anyway, somehow. It sounds like your 'hood is pretty tight knit. Plus, she sees him all the time. No way, no how she wouldn't have made the connection in due time on her own. It's not like phone numbers are hard to get and OM is certainly NOT hard to get. You are not the reason they are together - they are.

I'd just ignore at this point.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's odd that she won't acknowledge you in any way when he's around. It makes me wonder what he has told her.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's odd that she won't acknowledge you in any way when he's around. It makes me wonder what he has told her.

I'm not sure what he could have told her, except that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my wife. From everything I read (over 400 messages) she never told him that I was a bad husband, she just claimed to be lonely because I was out volunteering all the time (NOT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER. JUST RE-ITERATING WHAT THEY SAID TO EACH OTHER).

I get the impression from the way he acts toward me that he is ashamed of what he did. He doesn't come across as "it's your fault" or anything like that. He just seems very sad whenever we bump into each other. I have a feeling that, maybe he just told her what a horrible mistake he made and that she is "ashamed by proxy" for him.

Who knows. As for affecting the R, it doesn't help, but the fact that I have a 30 year history with the guy means that I can NEVER get rid of him. Sure, I could move an never see him again but I have 100's of stories from my life that involve him. It's like getting divorced after a 30 year marriage, your ex will always have some impact in your life.

If he was a stranger who I didn't know or didn't have a friendship with and my wife had an affair with him then it would have been different. Firstly, if he didn't know I was married then it wouldn't have been his fault, but his fucker stood beside me on my wedding day!

Anyway, over all our marriage is slowly recovering. I have my moments and sometimes things just piss me off but my WW is showing true remorse and that's all I can ask.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he wasn't seeing her he'd be seeing someone else. You'd be seeing him happy regardless of who he's dating. You're going to get used to seeing him happy with somebody at some point - I hope that point in time comes soon for you. There are some things you can control - this one you can't. Hang in there ...

Posts: 1970 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrcpu, I don't know how you can stand to see this OM every day and not go bazerk. I have not seen the my fWW OM yet in person. If I do I fear I'll hit the f*&Ker. He's a cop, so I'll probably get arrested!

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 12:45 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 490 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this is turning into a crazy soap opera!

My WW decided she needed to get it off her chest and tell my ex-BestFriend's (soon to be divorced) ex-wife about the affair. She felt she had to because the OM's ex-wife didn't know what was up and was coming to us from time to time asking us to watch their daughter.

The conversation went well and much to my chagrin, his ex-wife is now livid with him. She can't believe he would do that to me. She also suspected he cheated on her during their marriage so I decided to confirm some of her suspicions and told her about him telling me that he'd had the occasional ONS while travelling. I also gave her a hug and apologized for ever thinking it was HER fault that their marriage ended.

I've got some schadenfreude going on right now because she as decided to go for the full amount of support she is entitled to AND 100% custody of his daughter and move her an hour away.

To be honest, the main catalyst for her decision to SCREW HIM in the divorce was because it turns out our neighbor said some things that made her feel they were conspiring to go for 100% custody of his daughter.

Anyway... I'm actually glad my WW told the OM's xW and I'm hoping that he get's FUCKED big time in the divorce. The only thing I hate to see is his daughter suffer... but the truth is, he is a controlling psychopath who even lied about being suicidal to get my wife into bed so I can honestly say his daughter needs a better environment to grow up in.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One other thing....

I tried forgiveness. It was too painful. Then I discovered that if I embraced my HATRED for the OM I felt WAY better!!!!


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't volunteer the information unless she attempts to get everyone together as a group.

Don't volunteer it, but don't hide it either.

She is going to make her own decisions about who to date or not. That's her business, not yours. Now, if she tries to bring him into your life, that is when you say, "To be honest, I do not want to do group things with this man. He had an affair with my wife, and we are healing from that. He and I are not friends anymore, and he is not welcome in my life anymore." The end.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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