Would I believe an apology from her? Don't know, but I still want it.
[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 4:59 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 5:10 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]
I really don't care how sorry she is. I just want her to feel my pain.
If she tried to apologize to me now. I would think she just wants to make herself feel better. As far as I am concern, she has no right. At least compared to the Hell my fWH and the AP put me through.
Leave her alone...IMO. If anything -allow your H to reach out to her. She can identify with him checking to see if she is alright and apologizing for you.
I can hold my head up high and look at myself in the mirror with dignity.
If she reaches out to you someday then give it to her then. Otherwise let sleeping dogs lay.
You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.
Unfortunately, at this point (2.5 years into R) I think it will have lost its meaning. I would like to know, for her BH's sake, if she ever felt remorse and tried to help him, but my feelings toward her are not as strong as they were, and I am perfectly okay with my feelings toward her now. I am not saying I would reject an apology, and it is possible I would still benefit from it, but her ability to impact my healing in any positive, meaningful way is gone.
How well do you know the BS of your AP? I do think this is a difficult question. For the record, my FWH seriously considered apologizing to her BH, but worried that it would re-open wounds, and after I posted a query here on SI, he ultimately decided not to. But the fact that he wanted to reach out and apologize meant something to me.
I couldn't handle my husband's pregnant gf. After all, 17 years I was faithful. -Him?! Not so much.
D Aug 2008
My guess is that even if the BS is wanting an apology, there is nothing that you can say that will ever be enough.
Respecting NC is your best option, IMO.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
I wouldn't send it. As a fBS if I got a letter almost 2 years later, it would piss me off. Here I would be trying to move, then I get a letter?
I say leave her alone.
How does your husband feel about it?
Write the letter if it makes you feel better, but don't send it.
Reading "I'm sorry if I hurt you" typed or hand written by the OW would only take me back to DDay again.
I would feel much better if she wrote me a letter telling me what a weak person she is, that she is a predator, a hypocrite and a liar, and that she knows she doesn't deserve anyone's respect after what she did. THEN I would believe that she is beginning to "get it."
If it was just about her, then it would anger me. But if I felt she truly understood the damage and pain she caused and was willing to take full responsibility for it, then it would mean something to me.
It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert
That far out, I might be receptive, but I would want the offer to come via the other BS. As in, "My fWW is truly remorseful and wants to extend her sincere apologies to you even though she knows she can never "make up" for what she did. She would also like to offer the opputunity to you to ask her any questions that you have of her. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in and I will help arrange it". I think, for me, it would help soften the shock of hearing from the OW and her intentions would be a little less suspect if her BS was involved. If I didn't want to hear from her, I could just say no and she would not have 'touched' me."
She knows you are sorry, and if she wants more info it is being offered and she knows how to get it. I would also add something about your being afraid, as her husband lied so much, that she may still be living with lies and might want to know some truths.
The other issue is that I have pretty well achived indifference towards her OM. There was nothing special about any of them other than being available and wanting to have sex with my W after she flirted with them. If it was not them, it would have been others.
I was nothing to OM while each of them was involved with my W, I do not want to be anything more now that they are out of our lives.