* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.
When I look back now at what I wrote to AP, how I felt about my BH and our M, it feels like another person did that. Not me, not in this universe. I have a sense of detachment from it. What's hard now, is digging those reasons back up and facing them.
My husband had told me to find something to do. I was bored as a SAHM, kept bothering him for attention and company. He had a meltdown and told me he couldn't cope with my demands anymore and I had to go find "something to do". God forbid, I found a hobby or an interest or a job. No, that wasn't interesting enough for precious ol' me.
I knew my "friendship" with AP was inappropriate but at any moment when this thought entered my head I would dismiss it instantly and replace it with gross justifications as to WHY I WAS ENTITLED to have a friend in my life. I accepted my behaviour because FINALLY I have someone who really listens, and pays attention and thinks I'm smart and beautiful and irristable and most importantly to me at that time, someone who gives a shit about my life, as no one else could care less about me.
My choices were limited at that time BUT I had choices. An affair was cowardly, cheap, a copout and above all I let myself down and everything I've ever stood for during my life. I've always looked down upon and judged "cheaters" as lowly characters. I'm ashamed of myself and my actions. I now wear the badge of being a wayward and no matter what I do I will carry that forever.
I'm petrified that I was capable of such behaviour. It was like I was someone else caught up in a sea of entitlement and selfishness.
I know there's a stop sign but for any BS's who are reading this, I hope it gives you some insight into a waywards fucked up thinking. Not that it excuses the pain we caused but gives you some insight.