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User Topic: 26 years ago today...
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave birth to an exquisite, beautiful, tiny baby girl. I held her close to me. I breathed in her scent. I kept her with me for 48 hours, only letting her leave at midnight for a few minutes. I fed her, changed her diapers, held her while she slept, nestled between my breasts. My family came and visited. My parents stayed the entire time. So many friends, family, loved ones came to see us. I held a dedication service in the hospital chapel, and most of my church attended.

And then, 48 hours after her birth, I left the hospital without her. Two weeks later, I signed the documents that would forever sever the legal bonds between me and my child. I had no idea, of course, how strong the emotional bond would be, and that I would spend the next 21 years trying to make the pain go away.

It was the right decision, made for the right reasons. I was 19 when I was raped by a friend of my brother's on the other side of the world when I had gone for a visit. I was 20 when I gave birth. I had not yet begun to process the abuse that I suffered as a child. My mother was nuts. My family was wracked with mental illness, addiction, abuse. I remember looking at my daughter and thinking, "No one deserves to be brought into a family like this on purpose, certainly not this beautiful, innocent baby in my arms." So I signed the papers and trusted that God would ensure that she was cared for, and that He would bring her back to me some day.

Not a day has gone by in the past 26 years that I have not thought of her and grieved. I have been able to peek into her life over the past 8 years, and I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse. I mostly think it's better, because I know that she was cherished, cared for, loved and brought up in a stable home. I've been able to see pictures as she has matured into a beautiful woman. She's a high school guidance counselor now...maybe she'll have the opportunity to counsel a pregnant young woman.

I wasted 21 years trying to numb all of my feelings with drugs, alcohol, sex, achievement, marriages...nothing worked. In the past almost 5 years of sobriety, I have learned to live with pain, to walk through it. I bend, but never break. I get knocked down but I keep getting up.

The last communication I had with her was 3 years ago...she said that she wants to meet me "some day" but is not ready. So every day, at least once, the thought crosses my mind, that maybe, today will be the day.

And then it isn't.

Today, it really, really, really hurts.

Thanks for letting me share.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..

..keep hope alive..the day, your day will come and hers..

sending prayers

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4124 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15396 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))


Posts: 35248 | Registered: Mar 2011
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give her time. She will be ready, and you will be there for her. I wish I could say something to magically take away the pain you are feeling today. (((HF)))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
KVille
♀ Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BIG BIG hug.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HFSSC)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25382 | Registered: Aug 2011
deeplysad
♀ Member
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. For me, it was 45 years ago, but I have been lucky enough to have her in my life for the past 20+ years. And I get to have a relationship with my granddaughters.

It has taken a very long time to develop the relationship she and I have now, so I do think as your daughter gets older, she will be more willing to let you be a part of her life. I hope this happens for you.

I do understand the pain you're in today and my heart is sad for you.

((((HFSSC))))


Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert


Posts: 3235 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HFSSC))))
One day...


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HFSCC))

Kep the faith.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7656 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
jrc1963
♀ Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24514 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))

Just want you to know that even though I didn't give birth to her, I know what you are going through. I had to make that decision as well, and to this day I know it was the right one, but it still hurts. I've gotten to know her, but she hasn't wanted contact lately because it confuses her. My heart goes out to you.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3937 | Registered: Dec 2011
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for the hugs, the prayers, the gentle, kind thoughts.

I am just so weary of walking in pain. Days like today, it feels as though I have never had a single day of my life that was not overshadowed by the pain of abuse, of loss, of grief. I have had happy days, days when the sun was shining, but there have always been clouds hanging over the horizon.

I wonder what it would feel like to wake up totally free, totally new, totally alive, totally refreshed.

Deeplysad and Tred, especially, thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. It is truly a pain that no one can imagine who has not been through this.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
yewtree
♀ Member
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HFSSC))
You are a brave woman, and I hope that someday your child will come to you.


Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.


Posts: 4668 | Registered: Oct 2007
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HFSSC)))

I was adopted and about 20 years ago my bio-logical mother found me ( I was never really interested in meeting her since I was adopted into an incredibly loving home and always felt fulfilled) and she ended up flying MH and myself out to the East coast for a visit.

She was/is very nice and I'm glad we met however the best part of the meeting was getting to know my two brothers.

I hope one day you get to meet your daughter, giving her up for adoption was beyond loving of you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197808 | Registered: May 2002
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HFSSC)))))


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5913 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
click4it
♀ Member
Member # 209
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HFSSC))))

How incredibly brave to share your story with us here. I do hope that the "one day" will be very soon. Much hugs and prayers sent your way.


Me: 42
Two boys: 17 and 14
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?


Posts: 25559 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: California
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, thank you all for the hugs and warm thoughts.

DS, thanks for sharing that. On some level, I truly am glad beyond measure that her life has been so good for her, so complete that she doesn't have this aching, empty need to fill. That's what I wanted for her. But on the other side, my entire family has never forgotten her, never given up hope of meeting her, knowing her, having some sort of relationship with her. My niece, who was 5 years old at the time, still remembers holding her in the hospital. My cousins still have a picture holding her. She was loved, immeasurably and unconditionally from the very start of her existence.

My boys know they have a sister, and it breaks my heart over again when ds14 asks if I really think they'll get to meet her someday.

And I truly do get that so much of this is about ME and my needs. I keep thinking that if I can get to a point where I don't need/want it so much that's when it will the right time. I just don't know how to get there.

I can't tell y'all how much it helps to just be able to get this all out. Everyone here is either in the same place or I'm scared they're tired of hearing about it.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Topic Posts: 22
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